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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Paying Keep

412 replies

Lee17 · 06/08/2019 17:23

Hi All,
My 16 yr old daughter has left school is earning now. She is on an Apprenticeship, which starts officially in September. She is earning about £130 a week at the minute, which may well go up if she does more hours. Now, I think it is reasonable for her to pay a little towards her keep. At the moment we are encouraging her to save half, which she is doing but when we mentioned keep she threw a wobbly. Is it reasonable to ask her to pay say £25 a week, then save half of the rest and have the other half to spend as she pleases? My husband and I were brought up to pay keep, many, many years ago! And back then in the early 80s, he was paying about £20 and I was about £15. Any advice please? I think they need to appreciate how long it takes to earn what they intend to spend and to evaluate the cost and if it is worth it. We pay for everything for her at the minute, apart from extra clothes and makeup. Thanks. Looking forward to hearing your thoughts. Keep or no Keep?

OP posts:
thejudgesaidhewasatitandIagree · 07/08/2019 00:32

She achieves her pay packet, by working for it. You don't need to take money from her to teach her this.

Agreed. Working all week for £130 and only coming out with £40 isn't going to teach her much. She's already saving half so what's the point of taking more off her and putting it into secret savings? What exactly does that teach her?

Original poster
Lee17 · 07/08/2019 00:38

Hi Mrskeats; thanks for your comment. No we aren't on any benefits, paying over £250 a month to GET to work, a mortgage etc. We barely get by month to month.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lee17 · 07/08/2019 00:39

Thanks happinessischocolate. You are absolutely right! And our earnings are meagre. We just get by month by month.

OP posts:
HairToday79 · 07/08/2019 00:44

My eldest son is doing an apprenticeship, I don't get child benefit for him.
He costs us a flippin fortune in toilet rolls alone but we have asked he pays £80 per month to take into account the cost of living to prepare him and also myself and his dad are not on huge wages and cant afford to eat out/ etc the way he does so it helps us too towards the household income (to be fair we still pay for him for anything we do socially so he probably gets it all back 🙄 ) but at least he's budgeting his money a little.

jay55 · 07/08/2019 00:52

Taking her money to save on her behalf isn't taking it for keep. It also means It'll her longer to save up for anything herself, which she'll find frustrating and it isn't teaching her to budget.

Take money for keep, sure, but only if that is what it is actually for.

Original poster
Lee17 · 07/08/2019 00:53

To IAskTooManyQuestions; Child Benefit will stop. But it isn't about that; it is about learning to value how hard you have to work for money in comparison for what you can buy/get for it. It is all relevant. I would like to teach her to think about that. So, for instance she gets £3.90 an hour but wants a makeup palette that costs £12; how long did she have to work for that? Paying some keep for the electricity, gas, hot water, Spotify, Amazon, her phone, her basic living essentials, her travel to College etc. Is that being unreasonable when both myself and her dad work full time?

OP posts:
Defender90 · 07/08/2019 01:00

I started work at 16, earned £60 a week (job seeker with council) parents kept half and put half into a savings account I'd had since I was a baby.

That paid my house deposit.

Could you do something like that?

Carrotcakeforbreakfast · 07/08/2019 01:02

I think paying keep is a very good life lesson.

However, on such a low wage I think £25 a week is a little steep.

NCpreggo · 07/08/2019 01:08

Perhaps rather than "keep" which you would be putting into savings for her anyway, she could put that amount into a pension? It would be great to get her into the habit of saving into a pension young and do the world of good in the long run if she starts one this early.

Plus you say you want her to learn the value of things which this would still do, she would learn about compound growth etc

I wish my parents had encouraged me to do this!

inbetweenforever · 07/08/2019 01:09

I still think it's to young to be taking money from her. Why can't you wait until she's earning more and then ask?

Itsallpointless · 07/08/2019 01:46

Bloody hell, I cannot believe some (majority) of the replies to this thread.

OP I do NOT think you are BU. You have stated CLEARLY your feelings and thought processes regarding this situation. IF your DD was (in the old days) able to get a proper job at 16, and earning say £250+ PW, would people still be saying "you can't take money off a child"? Hmm

Some parents have very very little disposable income after bills/shopping etc. Earning £130 a week, with no outgoings, leaves a huge chunk of money to play with for a 16 yo.

Take the keep and do with it what you want OP. Your intentions are good/right/proper, and don't be guilt tripped into thinking otherwise!

Straightalkinggal · 07/08/2019 03:15

Definitely, she needs to learn to be responsible from an early age.

MrsDilligaf · 07/08/2019 07:09

@Lee17

Flowers You've had quite a bashing about this.

YANBU. I do understand why other posters would feel aggrieved that you "are taking money off a child Angry" but in reality you will be teaching your daughter a valuable life lesson.

Having worked extensively with apprentices they are very much immersed in the the world of work - this in itself is a huge culture shock. Aside from college they are in an adult working environment.

I'm sure you've already thought about this, but sit her down and talk about finances, how to budget for bills, what APR means, what yo do if she's struggling, but by being honest and adult about money you are teaching her invaluable life skills. Part of that discussion should be about your household finances and explaining how much you earn vs how much you spend on running a house. I remember being shocked at how much my mum spent just on sanitary protection for us.

Asking her to pay a nominal amount is not out of order, but maybe ask her what she thinks is reasonable?

As she's working in a salon she may also make a few extra pounds in tips, so I would suggest that she saves these as a matter of course.

Good luck

sandgrown · 07/08/2019 07:17

I think you should take something OP. My children both had part time jobs and earned lots of money in the holidays . While they were in education I took nothing but once they started work and Child Benefit stopped they paid a contribution. They never complained and once they moved out they realised how easy their life had been.
When my stepson lived with us he even paid £5 a week when he was on JSA. When he wanted to buy a house we allowed him and his girlfriend to live with us for a small contribution so they could save a deposit. It's just a bit of give and take .

redcaryellowcar · 07/08/2019 07:58

I'd be delighted that she was saving half, I take the view that we chose to have children and therefore we support them and offer them a home. Doesn't have to be elaborate, but my children will always be welcome, to sleep, eat etc. I think with the £65 remaining that your dd could probably have A pizza out with friends, go to the cinema and maybe buy a book, magazine, pay for travel etc, sadly £65 doesn't go that far.

rookiemere · 07/08/2019 08:04

I think the keep aspect is fine - encourages her to understand what elements go into maintaining a house and feeding her. However expecting her to save half of her salary when it's not a huge amount feels like on the one hand you're treating her like an adult- expecting her to make a contribution to the household- but on the other like a child - by dictating how much she saves.

Nearly 30 years on I still remember how annoyed I was after getting my first pay packet that DF insisted that I took on payments for a savings plan they had in my name. It was the lack of choice and being dictated to when I was old enough to make my own savings decisions that rankled.

Encouraging your DD to save is a great principle, but I believe you need to let her set the amount.

TillyApple1 · 07/08/2019 08:06

Definitely should be paying, welcome to the real world I'd be saying. It's a life lesson.

Cannyhandleit · 07/08/2019 08:26

My parents started charging me digs when I left college and started working at 17. I see no issue with it at all, I would do the same! I would however maybe ask for a little bit less until she starts eating more!

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2019 08:31

If you need the money then do it. However you don't get to do it and dictate she saves half, she willhave fuck all money to go out, buy stuff or anything else, basically you want her to live off of fifty quid a week.

It's her decision, if you ask for keep and treat her like an adult you also don't get to dictate how she then uses the rest of her wage.

You can't have it both ways.

IamtheOA · 07/08/2019 08:37

Oooh, no....

Not if her sister didn't have to.

Unless her sister had a part time job, and you had a share of that?

Otherwise you are penalizing her for her choices.

And an apprenticeship is NOT an easy option. Working AND being a student? Not easy.

Seriously unless you want to breed some big resentments, I would do the same for her as for her sister.

And you know- not everyone is mature enough for full time work at 16, so well done to your DD 😊

Iggly · 07/08/2019 08:38

Did you eldest have a part time job and not pay keep?

I’d encourage her to buy some of her own things instead of specific keep - eg toiletries etc

IamtheOA · 07/08/2019 08:41

PS
If it wasn't for the sister issue, I would say to give her a few months grace- at least until just after Christmas, and then take a nominal amount.

otterturk · 07/08/2019 08:43

I think it's bizarre to ask her at 16 when you're still getting child benefit. It seems very mean.

Bluntness100 · 07/08/2019 08:45

Op, you're not thinking of trying to take her savings money off her too?

So from the 130 she earns you want to take 65 in savings and 25 in keep? Leaving her forty a week?

That's outrageous. Either treat her like an adult and take keep and let her manage her own money or don't charge her keep and help her with her savings.

Your approach is so far from ok

bouncingraindrops · 07/08/2019 08:46

I don't understand this valuable life lesson which is so special you can only learn it at 16.

I never charged me adult DC to live here, oddly enough they managed to 'learn' to pay rent when they needed to.