DH angry with my hearing loss

[IamMachine]

This is my first post, so please be gentle!

I was diagnosed with hearing impairment a few years ago and given two hearing aids.
I can hear okay in quiet environments, but I really struggle with background noise, even with my hearing aids (they amplify everything).
I’ve never really gotten used to the hearing aids. I don’t really wear them much. I still struggle to hear with them in certain situations and they get quite painful after an hour, or so. Also, I’m only 31 and they are visible (NHS basics).
‘D’H doesn’t understand any of this, he seems to think I should wear them anyway, so he doesn’t have to repeat himself.
I should point out, it’s not that often that he has to. And only once or twice when he does.
Two incidents recently have really upset me.
The first was at a very busy, noisy theme park. He snapped at me nastily when I asked him to repeat himself.
The second was driving home from a boating holiday. DD2 needed the toilet and, as we were near MIL, he asked me to phone her from the car to ask if we could nip in.
I really struggle with the phone, in any situation. I’d have no hope of hearing a word in a noisy car, so I said I’d rather not. He angrily threw his phone back in the pocket thingy (behind the handbrake). I explained why and just got a sarcastic “okaaay!” in response. He was in a mood for ages after that.
I tried to talk to him about both times last night, but he’s clearly not sorry and just thinks I should wear my hearing aids. Although even if I did wear them frequently, there’s no way I would take them to a theme park or on a boat!
I should also point out that he does often get angry with me about it, these two instances are just the most recent.
So AIBU to want some patience from him? And understanding that hearing aids aren’t for everyone, nor are they a ‘cure’?

Sorry this is long, I needed to get this off my chest as I’m very upset about it and feel ‘lesser’.

Your ‘D’H should certainly be more patient. No doubt about that.

But I do think you should be a bit more proactive about your hearing aids. My DMIL has very bad hearing loss. It has taken her a long time to get used to her hearing aids and to get the most from them. Lots of appointments until they were adjusted just right. Please go back to your provider for further help.

What’s “not often”? If he only has to treat himself once or twice a month then HIBU. If it’s more like ten times a day then perhaps you could explore other options together (hearing aids that are not visually obvious, for example).

This issue nearly ended a friends marriage, as it was so wearing saying everything twice that in the end the one who who could hear ok didn’t bother starting many conversations.

repeat not treat doh!

Thank you for your advice. I will definitely see my GP about being re-referred, I wasn’t aware they could do anything. They told me I wouldn’t need further appointments 🙄

Thanks for your reply. It’s only around once or twice a week that he has to repeat himself, and usually only once. He has said in the past (before diagnosis) that he hates repeating himself.

So what if he has to repeat himself, he shouldn't be getting angry with you. This needs addressing

My hubby has memory problems which drives me mad having to repeat things but what drives me even more up the wall is that he won't do anything to help himself. Apparently lists and reminders are for girls!

Even if he does find it annoying, he shouldn't behave like that. He should behave like a adult and have a grown - up chat about it. It's he generally disrespectful? He certainly doesn't sound like he likes you.

Once a week doesn’t seem excessively frustrating

He has a very short fuse. Never been violent, but it really doesn’t take much to make him angry. He’s also very stubborn and it takes a lot for him to admit he’s wrong and properly apologise.
Mostly he seems to like me and we get on well. It’s just the anger over something I don’t really have much control of. At first, I really did try to get used to the hearing aids. But it was so unpleasant, I suppose I just gave up on them.
DH also has an awful memory, but if I get annoyed he hasn’t set a reminder (not often, I’m normally very understanding), then I’m in the wrong.

My DM has pretty bad hearing problems and hasn't found any hearing aids which help her - I think a lot of people think it's an easy fix but dependent on what's actually wrong with your hearing it can be really difficult.

Despite knowing this, I do still get frustrated with having to repeat myself, although I know that's not my DMs fault and she does try really hard. I would never get in a strop with her - absolutely not!

That’s exactly it! So many people see hearing aids as a cure. They’re really not.

It’s also upsetting that hearing loss is seen as such an annoyance. No other disabilities seem to frustrate others so much.

My DH has mild hearing loss and also has NHS basic hearing aids he refuses to wear. I have to repeat myself upwards of 5-10 times a day, so I suspect you thinking your DH is only repeating himself once or twice a week is a tad on the low side.

Plus, it's not just repeating things, it's having conversations and getting responses where it's clear that the person who has hearing issues hasn't heard what was said properly and is guessing/filling in the blanks rather than asking for it to be repeated. I notice this most when DH speaks to the DC, he fluffs his way through conversations and it's obvious he's not heard what's been said. Then of course there's all the extraneous noises that are missed - not hearing people at the door etc.

I suspect that your hearing loss has more of an impact than you realise.

I try to be sympathetic about it and I appreciate that the hearing aids aren't great. We could afford fancy, less-visible hearing aids if my DH wanted them, but he doesn't so I do find having to repeat myself etc frustrating, especially in situations where you're stressed (like in the car, whilst driving when a child needs the toilet and you're trying to think of somewhere to stop/have a conversation/drive/make sure the child doesn't wet themselves etc....) and having to repeat yourself just adds to the stress. DH happily wears glasses which to me are the same as hearing aids.

To my mind, you need to accept you have hearing loss, it sucks, but there's something that will minimise it's impact and you're refusing to use it, thereby expecting your DH (and everyone else) pick up the slack. If they get frustrated then I'm afraid I don't really think you've got much room to complain.

Whilst it must be horrible to be hearing impaired it can be exhausting being with someone who won’t wear their hearing aids. My dad had the usual deafness of old age and I used to come from visiting him absolutely exhausted where I’d had to repeat myself at top volume for hours on end.

Perhaps your DH is having to repeat himself more than you think although that’s no excuse for being nasty to you.

I've been wearing hearing aids for about twenty years, so I have some experience of the issue you face.

Firstly, would your partner be so short tempered with you if i

The thing is, hearing aids are not like glasses. Glasses work and are comfortable. Heating aids help but don't really work that well, even expensive ones, and they amplify some noises too much and can be painful. If your glasses suddenly made the while world way too bright and hurt sometimes and didn't always show a clear view, you wouldn't wear them all the time.

I’m certain as I can be that it’s only a couple of times a week. Obviously my hearing is different to your DHs.
People DEFINITELY don’t have to shout at me. Most people I speak with have no idea of my hearing loss and are surprised if I mention it.
Why is this acceptable treatment to hearing impaired people? Why shouldn’t I be upset if someone gets angry with me about it? In the instances mentioned, I wouldn’t have worn them anyway in case they got lost or damaged. I can’t afford to replace them or buy them privately.

Thanks for the understanding replies

A friend’s dh is partially deaf and has hearing aids. Her frustration (and yes, she would get very frustrated) was that he generally doesn’t wear them. It’s meant he could be oblivious to kids kicking off, door going, phone ringing or just having a conversation. She gets that it’s crap to have hearing loss - the frustration is entirely down to the lack of attempt to get used to and wear more often something that might help. Not talking about crowded environment here - just around the house.

They had a big bust up because she got so down about it and since then he has made more of an effort to wear them, which has meant he’s got used to them and they’re more comfortable, I believe (from him). He’s more involved with the kids and isn’t disappearing off to the tv room or to read (not suggesting that this is something you do).

Again, your friends DHs hearing must be different to mine! I definitely hear the kids, the door and the phone. I can’t hear over the phone though, so wouldn’t answer it. I get feedback with hearing aids in, so that wouldn’t help either.
I have tried getting used to them at home in the evening. They don’t help enough to be worth the discomfort.

I think the frustration is because it often affects the ability to have a straightforward conversation.

This doesn't mean it's ok, but there's not much that you can do to stop yourself being frustrated by something. It's the way you react which makes the difference - like I said I'd never snap at my mum. I can get quietly annoyed at having to say the same thing 3+ times before she hears it properly, but it's far more annoying for her than it is for me and I know that.

Your DH is certainly allowed to be frustrated, as are you, but it's his reaction to this frustration which is the issue. He's being childish and uncaring.

Hearing aids aside, your comment of

"Mostly he seems to like me" is very sad. I hope this is just a flippant comment. Otherwise, worrying about his reaction to the hearing aid issue is a bit of a red herring.

Do you have the budget top look at private hearing aids? There are some reasonably priced options out there, finance deals etc. I would guess he gets frustrated because he doesn't understand that hearing aids amplify the wrong noises as well as the right ones, aren't comfy etc.

Have a calm conversation with him, explain. Get him to spend an evening wearing your hearing aids (switched off!) to see that they are not comfy.

They’re called hearing aids, not hearing fixers. They can’t fix broken hearing.
I use the analogy that hearing range is like a choir singing - each member singing in different pitches. With hearing loss, some of the choir is quieter, farther away or missing altogether. The hearing aid is meant to be tuned to amplify the quieter ones as best it can, but they do end up sounding tinny/muffled/not quite right. And sometimes it can amplify a frequency as high as it can, but unless your ear can hear it, you’ll never hear it! And like you said, they’ll amplify everything nearby!
Even the standard NHS issue ones need adjusting to find the optimal setting, typically with pre-sets like ‘active’ if that describes your lifestyle best, but it needs their computer to do it with.
Wearing them to a theme park is not a great idea - it would've been irresponsible to risk getting them lost or wet and expecting the NHS to replace them.
Wearing them more often can help you get used to them and get used to what your ears can and cannot do.
Maybe the next time you see someone on crutches ask DH why they’re not running, after all, they’ve got crutches haven’t they? Well, it’s the same with hearing aids not hearing perfectly.

I loathed hearing aides. I had a stapedectomy in both ears... Maybe worth seeing big that's an option for you.

You've only tried one type of hearing aid, and failed to seek further help when you couldn't get on with them. You are being unreasonable dismissing how useful hearing aids can be.

Hearing aids can be worn whilst sailing and at theme parks!

You need to take some responsibility for your condition.