DH angry with my hearing loss

[IamMachine]

This is my first post, so please be gentle!

I was diagnosed with hearing impairment a few years ago and given two hearing aids.
I can hear okay in quiet environments, but I really struggle with background noise, even with my hearing aids (they amplify everything).
I’ve never really gotten used to the hearing aids. I don’t really wear them much. I still struggle to hear with them in certain situations and they get quite painful after an hour, or so. Also, I’m only 31 and they are visible (NHS basics).
‘D’H doesn’t understand any of this, he seems to think I should wear them anyway, so he doesn’t have to repeat himself.
I should point out, it’s not that often that he has to. And only once or twice when he does.
Two incidents recently have really upset me.
The first was at a very busy, noisy theme park. He snapped at me nastily when I asked him to repeat himself.
The second was driving home from a boating holiday. DD2 needed the toilet and, as we were near MIL, he asked me to phone her from the car to ask if we could nip in.
I really struggle with the phone, in any situation. I’d have no hope of hearing a word in a noisy car, so I said I’d rather not. He angrily threw his phone back in the pocket thingy (behind the handbrake). I explained why and just got a sarcastic “okaaay!” in response. He was in a mood for ages after that.
I tried to talk to him about both times last night, but he’s clearly not sorry and just thinks I should wear my hearing aids. Although even if I did wear them frequently, there’s no way I would take them to a theme park or on a boat!
I should also point out that he does often get angry with me about it, these two instances are just the most recent.
So AIBU to want some patience from him? And understanding that hearing aids aren’t for everyone, nor are they a ‘cure’?

Sorry this is long, I needed to get this off my chest as I’m very upset about it and feel ‘lesser’.

It sounds like you need a further audiology appointment to make sure your hearing aids are optimised correctly. You could also ask for information on Assistive Listening Devices (e.g microphones etc which can be useful in certain noisy situations like the car). It depends on the severity of your hearing loss if it's at a severe-profound loss you may benefit from a cochlear Implant. I don't know if you have reached that stage yet though. Some things to think about (from a Speech Therapist working with hearing impaired and deaf adults).

I'm reading this with interest. I wear hearing aids although my hearing is classed as moderate in high pitched noises and mild to moderate in other stuff (at least I think that's what they said anyway).

I've got normal NHS ones. I'm not sure what people mean, specifically referring to op, when they say they're not discreet. They're not massive or anything. I've certainly not got those teeny ones that you see pictures of when you go private. And actually even when I wear my hair up people don't actually notice I've got hearing aids. Because they just don't look there. Is it your self consciousness that makes you think this?

It's really interesting what people say about private ones. Some seem to say they're amazing and some say they're the same. I wonder how you can check beforehand then as if I was paying I'd want to know I was getting something good! But if they are loads better like someone said it sounds amazing.

And definitely there are some people who mumble who speak quieter or less clearly than others. Just because you're the only one who finds it harder because of your hearing loss doesn't mean it's not true.

I do find people don't understand hearing impairment - and this is coming from someone who wears hearing aids all the time. I still find it hard hearing but it would be a lot harder without them. Mum especially when I say pardon a few times says are you wearing your hearing aids? As if I should hear everything with them in.
People don't speak up even if they know you wear hearing aids.

And for years I didn't wear mine. But I started wearing them more and more and I would say it took months to get used to them but you do need to wear them all the time in order to get used to them

And definitely there are some people who mumble who speak quieter or less clearly than others. Just because you're the only one who finds it harder because of your hearing loss doesn't mean it's not true.And definitely there are some people who mumble who speak quieter or less clearly than others. Just because you're the only one who finds it harder because of your hearing loss doesn't mean it's not true.

Obviously some people speak louder and enunciate more than others. However, it can be irritating to be told that you mumble by a parent if everyone else can hear you and they are refusing to wear hearing aids.

Well yes but I guess what I was thinking is that even if you wear hearing aids I think people still react the same way sometimes

Hi - I have moderate hearing loss plus tinnitus. I wear two hearing aids and have done for over ten years. NHS ones but have had them adjusted many times. It is still exhausting just going about my daily life. I find I constantly have to be on 'meercat' alert looking around me all the time in case someone is speaking to me. I can hear when I am looking directly at a person but otherwise I miss most stuff.

When I am with the audiologist things seem fine - it's a quiet room and they are talking clearly to me. I then get outside and bang, noise, mumbling etc I'm back to square one.

Some days it really gets me down and yes many people, family, colleagues get impatient. But you just have to deal with it, do your best and think many people cope with much worse

I've had my current hearing aids for about 5 years. They're NHS digital ones, and the audiologist told me they were programmed to fit my specific hearing issue.

I was born with hearing impairment, but the hearing aids I had as a child were just awful so I stopped using them. Eventually I was persuaded to go back to the GP for a referral by the OH person at work.

I was told that I needed to wear these aids constantly (except while sleeping, of course) as the brain needed to effectively learn to process the new sounds. Yes, the sounds were initially tinny and so loud, but over time the sound morphed into a proper rich sound. I was given a time scale of about 3-6 months for hearing to settle down with regular use, and that was about how it did happen.

There are still sounds I can't hear, these aids assist my hearing, they can't fix it.

And thank you to the PP who mentioned the disabled railcard, I never knew that and according to the criteria I would qualify.

It is important you get aids set correctly, and keep going back until they are. However, it does take a while to adapt to wearing them - be patient. In seriously noisy environments they will pose a problem and your DH just has to get that! Take him to your next appointment and let him listen to what the audiologist says.
It's a disability, but it only unfairly shares the problem if you don't wear the aids you need. It is frustrating to repeat yourself - it makes conversation difficult.
Hearing aids shouldn't be painful - so sounds like they need refitting.

Disability top trumps doesn't help anyone.
DH could show more patience but I can sympathise with him to be honest. It sounds stressful.

When poor health strikes it can be hard for both partners in the couple to adjust. You are obviously dealing with multiple conditions which is very difficult and he should be supporting you. But his life will have changed in ways too, I imagine and he might have lots of feelings he doesn't share e.g. I want to "fix" things for my DH who is unwell, but I can't and it leaves me feeling powerless.

Have you talked about this with him? His reaction should help you understand whether he's struggling with things or is just a stroppy man child.

I have 2 hearing aids, and apparently, a rare hearing loss which is congenital (something that only became apparent as I got to my late 30s).

I can hear fairly well without them, but my DH and two teen DCs are very softly-spoken (mumblers) and DH in particular gets quite frustrated when having to repeat himself.

I find I guess a lot at what they say, and it's certainly undermines my confidence. I try wearing the aids but I hate the bloody things. They're uncomfortable, they make my ears itch, they're constantly falling off my ears when so much as a couple of strands of hair gets caught, and after a few hours with them, I want to pull them out and stamp on them. I'd love to try 'in-the-ear' private ones but the cost is an issue and I don't know if they'll be any better.

I did get a railcard last year, but pretty sure I had to pay around £30 for it.

Just googled, railcard is £20, with 1/3 off fares.

I've worked in the hearing aid industry for a significant length of time and am familiar with a number of different hearing aid manufacturers and differences with private vs NHS. I thought this information below might be useful, not aimed specifically at the OP but to pick up points previous posters have made.

There are literally hundreds of different makes, models and styles available. It can take a bit of trial and error to find what suits an individual best. The problem with hearing is it is very subjective. So whilst the audiologist is looking at the screen and technically have the hearing aid programmed exactly to your loss, it doesn't mean you are going to interpret sounds that way. Which is why most people do need a number of follow up appointments or try different styles and models. Different manufacturers process the sounds differently so you may find one manufacturer suits you better over another.

With the NHS, technically the aids they offer are very good. Equivalent to mid range (£2k each) in the private sector. You may not have much cosmetic choice, just basic colours and styles. But the biggest issue for them is TIME. They just can't invest the same amount of time and support that an audiologist in the private sector can. That's where paying privately can be a huge benefit.

Privately, the very top end hearing instruments are fantastic. Many now connect wirelessly directly with smartphones, iPads, tvs etc. Turning the hearing aids into mini wireless headphones. If I had a hearing loss I would definitely do all I could to try and raise the money to pay for top end ones and have the aftercare service and support element you can't get in the NHS. You can usually get good discounts, hardly anyone sells at full list price, ever!

What we often see in the industry is people are still so concerned about cosmetics and the stigma attached to wearing hearing aids. To the point they want the very smallest, most invisible aid possible (usually in the ear.) however you lose so many of the main features by doing so. Often the smallest hearing aids only have a single microphone, but you need twin microphones to be able to even begin handle the challenge of background noises. If I had a hearing loss I would never chose one that goes in the ear. Behind the ear ones are far better and some are quite small now. If you match your hair colour (not skin) then these can still be very discreet.

Maintenance and care. Many hearing aids end up failing or perform poorly because they are not cleaned regularly and they get bunged up with wax. It may be that a different style is needed if wax is an issue. But it was very common to have patients complain about performance and it was actually a maintenance issue.

Working in the industry, I have total belief in these products being incredibly life changing for many people. It can take a bit of time and effort from audiologist and patient to get there. But the patient has to want to try.

Etty - good advice, thanks. In-the-ear appeals to me more because of the issue of the aid flipping off the back of my ear if I get my hair caught, and also wearing glasses at the same time worsens the problem.
Is there any solution/spray you would recommend for the itching it causes inside the ear? I very often get that 'shuddery' feeling, like someone's walked over my grave?
I am lucky in that we have a very good walk-in clinic locally, where once a week there are a few audiologists available for help and advice (though it's always during my working hours (school) so difficult to get there in term time.

This makes me really sad. My beat friend had to wear a hearing aid from childhood on, always an nhs one as an adult due to the precise issue. Even wearing it all the time he’d need things repeating frequently but so what! And if he wanted a rest from it in, say in the evening, then I respected that and made sure he could see my lips. I know his wife was never angry. Anger is really, really inappropriate and unpleasant.
Aids for hearing/seeing/walking are aids, they aren’t compulsory and unless he has walked in your shoes he shouldn’t judge.
However...for YOUR quality of life...could you get it checked at hospital (my friend was there frequently) and maybe even start slowly saving for a smaller device? Maybe he’d be less frustrated if he could see you were being proactive. I just couldn’t live with this personally, he’d be getting told!

It is nasty to get angry about having to repeat himself. There is no excuse for that. However, I can understand him being irritated if you don't wear hearing aids as they do make a difference to communication (once you are used to them anyway). I actually find it a lot easier to communicate with my father in his 80s than I did when he was in his 40s due to improvements in hearing aids and also probably the fact that he is used to them.
Another thing someone mentioned above is that they "guess" what people are saying which is something that actually did really annoy me.

@3catsandcounting is it an in the ear aid now you are wearing, that's causing the itching? How long have you worn aids for and how many hours a day?

You could try Eargene lotion. Some people have success with this.

EARGENE Soothing Ear Lotion 1/2 Fl. oz https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B003E6HUP0/ref=cmswwrcppapiii_nVTsDbTJFNGH6

@ihatemyhearingaids, sorry for not responding
Earlier, I've only just seen your question. My aids are Resound linx quattro.

To say they have changed my life wouldn't be much of an exaggeration. I no longer panic and stress of I have to make a phone call, for example.

For those living with/around someone with hearing loss. My hearing aids consultant told me to advise them To always start a conversation with me by saying my name, then to wait until I'm looking at them before they carry on with what they have to say. So very many oeople, when I ask them to repeat what they've said, repeat the second part of their sentence. I've usually caught that bit, it's the bit at the beginning I've missed

@EttyG - they're behind the-ear ones. I've gone through phases of wearing them to thinking I can't be bothered with them anymore. I usually wear them through the working day and into the evening, if I can bear it. I have had months of not wearing them, but at the moment I'm really trying to persevere.
I'm going back to the clinic next week to ask for some new domes, as I think they're not helping.
I'll have a look for that lotion, thanks.

Being hearing impaired myself, it occurs to me you've got two issues here . You've already had excellent advice on the hearing aids themselves, but the problem with your DH is probably harder to resolve

IME the hearing impaired are too often expected to beg ... the meetings where the hearing loop microphone's ignored, those who'll speak clearly for 10 words before reverting to a mutter and folk who won't stop covering their mouths when they speak all add up. Maybe the point that it's often a senior thing makes things worse, as in "you're not needed / are disposable now", and the habit extends to the threayment of younger sufferers as well

As so oftem, the thing of "walk a mile in their shoes" applies; it's just a shame too many ignore this, forgetting it'll be their turn one day

Huh?? That should have read "the treatment of younger sufferers"

While I'm having a silly rant, though, I'll also offer bank tellers who have a perfectly good loop microphone and won't use it, those who expect you to join a conversation from another room, and worst of all the waiter who poked fun behind the back of another H.I. lady, clearly not bothered that those on the opposite side of the table could see everything he did

Sorry some of you find sore /painful

Are they big nhs ones

Or little ones like my pic below

Mine are comfy. I don’t know I’m wearing them

But as I said previously I’m not hearing the bleeper - miss high pitch sounds - so back there next week

I was referred to SpecSavers, by my GP, the aids I was given are small and light, not noticeable and do not make my ears sore, it did take a while to get used to them but now I wouldn't be without them, they were free on the NHS, if they are lost, there is a replacement cost of about £70, which is far cheaper than the cost of glasses.

Why do some doctors refer to the hospital and some to Specsavers then? I could only be referred to hospital

It might depend on area, purpleme, but they're rolling out the thing now where hearing aid provision's contracted out to the private sector (except for complex cases, I believe, which hospitals still deal with)

Right now the NHS are funding this on a supposed 3 year rolling contract, but some of us wonder if it'll go the same way as ophthalmology and dentistry, and that they'll withdraw the cash and leave everyone to pay privately

I'll be so upset if they take NHS provision away for hearing