DH angry with my hearing loss

[IamMachine]

This is my first post, so please be gentle!

I was diagnosed with hearing impairment a few years ago and given two hearing aids.
I can hear okay in quiet environments, but I really struggle with background noise, even with my hearing aids (they amplify everything).
I’ve never really gotten used to the hearing aids. I don’t really wear them much. I still struggle to hear with them in certain situations and they get quite painful after an hour, or so. Also, I’m only 31 and they are visible (NHS basics).
‘D’H doesn’t understand any of this, he seems to think I should wear them anyway, so he doesn’t have to repeat himself.
I should point out, it’s not that often that he has to. And only once or twice when he does.
Two incidents recently have really upset me.
The first was at a very busy, noisy theme park. He snapped at me nastily when I asked him to repeat himself.
The second was driving home from a boating holiday. DD2 needed the toilet and, as we were near MIL, he asked me to phone her from the car to ask if we could nip in.
I really struggle with the phone, in any situation. I’d have no hope of hearing a word in a noisy car, so I said I’d rather not. He angrily threw his phone back in the pocket thingy (behind the handbrake). I explained why and just got a sarcastic “okaaay!” in response. He was in a mood for ages after that.
I tried to talk to him about both times last night, but he’s clearly not sorry and just thinks I should wear my hearing aids. Although even if I did wear them frequently, there’s no way I would take them to a theme park or on a boat!
I should also point out that he does often get angry with me about it, these two instances are just the most recent.
So AIBU to want some patience from him? And understanding that hearing aids aren’t for everyone, nor are they a ‘cure’?

Sorry this is long, I needed to get this off my chest as I’m very upset about it and feel ‘lesser’.

I’m sorry OP I’m another that can see it from both POV. My DH has a condition which means he’s loosing his hearing over time. He’s been aware of this condition for many years now, initially he knew he had the condition but didn’t need hearing aids or treatment but we’ve now reached a point where he needs to go back and start rectifying the problem.

I cannot tell you how completely soul destroying it is, repeating yourself over and over and over again, multiple times a day. It’s so lonely talking to yourself all the time and not being acknowledged in any way. I’m constantly repeating myself to the children (because they’re children), I’m repeating myself to the dog (because he’s a dog) and I’m repeating myself to DH because he can’t won’t hear me properly. There’s been points where I’ve totally lost all energy when it comes to speaking to anyone and feel that if I have to repeat myself one more time, I will breakdown in tears. It’s sounds ridiculous I know but it’s one of those things that chips away at you over time. After a while, you start to take it personally, especially if your partner isn’t doing anything, or is doing the bare minimum to help the situation.

I have no doubt living with hearing loss is tough and facing up to it must be horrendous, I can’t even imagine but it really does adversely affect your nearest and dearest too and it’s not fair to condemn them to misery too. I wear glasses and I sometimes wonder what my DH would think of me deciding to not wear them and to fetch me things all the time....

Please look into all the options (and report back because I’d like to know what you find!), the one you have now obviously isn’t working for you and there will be others. Good luck!

As I was saying, before I rudely interrupted myself by pressing "send" prematurely.

Would your partner be so short tempered if it was your sight you were losing? If not, why is losing your hearing so much more aggravating for him?

Secondly, I would very strongly advise you to persevere with your hearing aids. When I first got mine i was told that my brain had to relearn what noises it could ignore (clocks ticking, fridge turning on and off, my clothes rustling as I walked). I reckon it took me a good three or four months before I could comfortably wear my aids all day. There were times i had to walk out of my office in order to save my sanity, the noise (general office noise, nothing particularly excessive) was just so very over whelming.

I have moderate to severe hearing loss. A couple of months ago, I decided to try non NHS hearing aids (they had a two for the price of one offer). Wow,just wow 😊😊. Not only are they less noticable, they perform just so much better in that they have functions my NHS ones didn't have.

For example, I can control them from my phone. I can turn them up, down. Change them from inside to outside hearing, especially helpful when it's windy. If I need to speak to someone on my mobile phone, their voice goes directly into my aids, not through the speaker. I can listen to music on my phone with no earphones, again the sound goes directly to my aids.

Crucially, for me, I can turn the radio/television up so I can hear it, but I can also turn external noise up. This means i can hear the door bell or the telephone ringing. It makes me feel much more secure.

You are quite right that hearing aids do not (and can not) cure hearing loss. They can help you a little, but they cannot totally cure your hearing loss.

In short, your partner is being a bastard for the way he is acting but you ( for your own sake, not his) should persevere with your aids

No other disabilities seem to frustrate others so much.

Incredibly ignorant comment. Have you seen how much abuse people with mental health conditions get?

OP, I completely sympathise. Why is hearing loss considered so differently to other disabilities? There seems to be more shame attached to it and a total lack of understanding.

I have partial hearing loss. I have a hearing aid, but because it enhances the frequencies I can hear as well as those I can't. I have never been able to get used to it. I lip read to fill in the gaps a lot of the time (I never formally learned to lip read, but my consultant thinks I have been doing it subconsciously for many years).

Your DH is being unkind and unreasonable. Would he get so frustrated if you were blind or unable to walk?

It would be so much better for everyone if learning sign language was made compulsory in school!

I wear glasses and I sometimes wonder what my DH would think of me deciding to not wear them and to fetch me things all the time

But glasses can pretty much give you "normal" vision. Hearing aids will never give you "normal" hearing.

From your DHs perspective, it appears as though you aren't doing anything to help the situation. It is really frustrating having to repeat yourself, starting conversations and getting no response, not knowing if you'll be heard, if you'll be able to have the conversation etc. It does take ages to get used to hearing aid, and they need to be used correctly and be set right for you. I'd definitely get a referral to see if they can help you more. Like you say it isn't a fix, but it doesn't sound like your relationship can stand much more of this. It also doesn't sound like your DH is very nice, he should be more understanding and patient, but he might just be sick of it and not expressing it well (I don't knw what the rest if your relationship is like).

Actually @ihatemyhearingaid my glasses don’t fix my vision completely. Please don’t assume. Vision isn’t the same for everybody, just like hearing and mobility isn’t.

user1471453601 those hearing aids sound amazing! What are they called, please?

'DH happily wears glasses which to me are the same as hearing aids. '

This says it all about your understanding of hearing aids. They are not glasses, they amplify sound thus making all sounds less clear. They are completely different from glasses.

OP, your husband really is a piece of work. He has shown no interest in learning to be deaf aware, he should at the very least be patient with you. My son is deaf and if he ever has a partner with the attitude of your husband or the poster I've quoted they will get incredibly short shrift from me. The ideal solution for your problem would be to learn to sign but I imagine your horrible DH won't have the interest in bothering to learn to communicate effectively with you.

Ok, sorry BettysLeftTentacle I shouldn't have assumed that.

Thank you so much for the understanding replies. It’s like fighting a losing battle trying to explain this to some people. I truly believe that my hearing aids (as they are) don’t help much. And I have tried with them. I was excited to get them, then quickly disappointed. Now I’m aware it’s an option, I can try getting them ‘re-tuned’, then perhaps look into other options. I can’t afford to buy them privately.
I sort of see it as, I’d never get annoyed with someone walking slowly with crutches (I also need these sometimes) because they could be going faster in a wheelchair, but it seems to be acceptable to get frustrated by hearing loss.
I didn’t ask for it or do anything to cause it. I’ve had countless appointments to try to find the cause (just ‘one of those things’) and I’ve tried hearing aids before deciding they don’t help enough to be worth it. Why should my DHs frustration trump my discomfort?

I really empathise. Hearing loss is so tough and exhausting.

Of course he shouldnt take it out on you. It sounds as if he may not be aware of anything he could do to adjust to what is a change that does affect him too. I'm not trying to say it's all about him, just not sure if you have jointly thought through what could help.

So for example, could you have texted or whatsapped your MIL? And if she 'doesn't do texts' could he put in the time to explain to her how much easier it would be for you all if she did?

Likewise, has he adjusted his communication style for you? Does he touch you to get your attention before speaking, has he looked on websites for communication tips and tried them out?

Have a talk to him when you're both calm. And maybe both go for another appointment for adjustment and ask for advice for the two of you. I do like the sound if private aids if you can afford them.

Your DH doesn't sound very nice, it's not your fault you have a hearing problem.

I have hearing aids and I put them in when I wash and dress every morning and take them off at bedtime. Telephones can be a problem, as can loud places. I'm sure you can get them adjusted.

I think perseverance is key - wearing them all day, every day helps. Best of luck.

Apology accepted but you’re basically berating people on this thread for doing exactly the thing you just did. Your situation isn’t exclusive, people live with a variety of disabilities and impairments of varying degrees of severity and success in treating them.

This is slightly off the subject, but for all you hearing aid users did you know that you can get a disabled person's rail card?

www.disabledpersons-railcard.co.uk/are-you-eligible/

Glasses are totally different.
Funny that it drives you to tears, because it does me too!

NoBaggyPants I also have MH disorders! I’ve never experienced the kind of treatment as I do with my hearing.

Also, I have a pain condition which requires crutches or a walking stick. I rented a wheelchair once, but DH got so frustrated pushing it I never bothered again.

To the people saying it’s so frustrating trying to start a conversation, it’s really not like that. My hearing appears normal most of the time without hearing aids. I have also subconsciously learned to lip read. I was surprised to be told I needed hearing aids. My kids are two rooms away right now and I can hear them talking to each other. It’s really not like, “what? What? WHAT??” multiple times a day.

Oh how lovely of him (not) if you were in a wheelchair would he have a go at you as well.
he needs to sort his attitude out, or learn another method of communication like sign language and he also needs to get over himself.

Look at private hearing aids OP and a finance plan if you can. The new digital ones these days are amazing and even come with a tiny pocket remote/some even with a phone app I believe to change the type of environment you're in.

Betty, I do know that. I did not mean to upset you.

He won’t try anything as he sees it as my problem. I should wear my hearing aids, though they don’t really make much difference!
I suggested calling MIL on loudspeaker, but he didn’t want to.

Also, I have a pain condition which requires crutches or a walking stick. I rented a wheelchair once, but DH got so frustrated pushing it I never bothered again.

OP, that is terrible. My DH is disabled and uses a wheelchair when we go out. I have never ever once resented pushing it.

Is the issue really your hearing though?

It sounds like he thought you just didn't want to speak to your MIL and when challenged used your hearing as an excuse. You could have, for example, explained upfront that your hearing was the issue and offered to text her.

Being in a busy, noisy theme park with a couple of kids is pretty stressful. He wouldn't be the first person to snap over a very minor irritation in those sort of circumstances.

It sounds like you both need to cut each other some slack.

I have moderate hearing loss and I saved up to buy the expensive tiny digital hearing aids. I had them fitted a few weeks ago and they are AMAZING. They are comfortable to wear and my hearing is so much better with them.

I have no suggestion about how to deal with your horrible husband. He sounds like a really nasty piece of work.

My dh is completely deaf in one ear and it means he finds social situations very difficult. He has a hearing aid but like you finds it amplifies everything and he gets overstimulated easily when wearing them so he tends not to bother.

I have responded by learning to talk very loudly and clearly and sometimes repeating things that other people say (so if the waitress mumbles ‘the special is fish’ I’ll say ‘the special is fish’), it makes me appear a bit simple but I don’t really care it’s just what you do. I try to be loud and he lets me know if he didn’t catch something.

There’s no way he should be getting annoyed with you, does he not realise how awful hearing aids are?

On another note did you know you’re eligible for a disabled persons railcard if you have to use a hearing aid?

It’s definitely my hearing. He knows I can’t hear on the phone