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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH angry with my hearing loss

159 replies

IamMachine · 06/08/2019 14:32

This is my first post, so please be gentle!

I was diagnosed with hearing impairment a few years ago and given two hearing aids.
I can hear okay in quiet environments, but I really struggle with background noise, even with my hearing aids (they amplify everything).
I’ve never really gotten used to the hearing aids. I don’t really wear them much. I still struggle to hear with them in certain situations and they get quite painful after an hour, or so. Also, I’m only 31 and they are visible (NHS basics).
‘D’H doesn’t understand any of this, he seems to think I should wear them anyway, so he doesn’t have to repeat himself.
I should point out, it’s not that often that he has to. And only once or twice when he does.
Two incidents recently have really upset me.
The first was at a very busy, noisy theme park. He snapped at me nastily when I asked him to repeat himself.
The second was driving home from a boating holiday. DD2 needed the toilet and, as we were near MIL, he asked me to phone her from the car to ask if we could nip in.
I really struggle with the phone, in any situation. I’d have no hope of hearing a word in a noisy car, so I said I’d rather not. He angrily threw his phone back in the pocket thingy (behind the handbrake). I explained why and just got a sarcastic “okaaay!” in response. He was in a mood for ages after that.
I tried to talk to him about both times last night, but he’s clearly not sorry and just thinks I should wear my hearing aids. Although even if I did wear them frequently, there’s no way I would take them to a theme park or on a boat!
I should also point out that he does often get angry with me about it, these two instances are just the most recent.
So AIBU to want some patience from him? And understanding that hearing aids aren’t for everyone, nor are they a ‘cure’?

Sorry this is long, I needed to get this off my chest as I’m very upset about it and feel ‘lesser’.

OP posts:

Original poster

IamMachine · 06/08/2019 16:10

We’d only just got to the theme park. He was telling me to wait somewhere for him to go to the toilet.

OP posts:

Loopytiles · 06/08/2019 16:12

You say your H is quick to anger in general. Sounds like you walk on eggshells around him?

That’s not OK.

Original poster

IamMachine · 06/08/2019 16:13

Thank you furrytoebean (great name!), I didn’t know that.
And if only more partners were as understanding as you! I will make some of these suggestions to him when we’re both calm and the kids are in bed.
I know he sounds really horrible from what I’ve put, but this really is just a snapshot of our lives. It’s just when he’s in the wrong mood he gets like this.

OP posts:

itscallednickingbentcoppers · 06/08/2019 16:13

'It sounds like he thought you just didn't want to speak to your MIL and when challenged used your hearing as an excuse. You could have, for example, explained upfront that your hearing was the issue and offered to text her. '

Anyone who knows the slightest thing about hearing loss knows that talking on the phone is difficult if not impossible. He's just a prick.

Original poster

IamMachine · 06/08/2019 16:14

Loopytiles not so much walking on eggshells. He does have anger issues that I’m encouraging him to seek help for. He’s better now than he used to be. I know it’s not ideal, but I accept his flaws lol

OP posts:

Original poster

IamMachine · 06/08/2019 16:15

Oops, didn’t mean to post or the lol!
I accept his flaws as he does most of mine.

OP posts:

HaileySherman · 06/08/2019 16:16

Nope, not unreasonable to expect so sympathy and patience from your partner. Is this characteristic of him?

Loopytiles · 06/08/2019 16:16

Does he have “anger issues” at work, with his friends and family, ordinary interactions with people

Or does he just snap at you?

I suspect the latter!

Loopytiles · 06/08/2019 16:17

Also, you imply that he isn’t kind about your health in general, eg the wheelchair.

Original poster

IamMachine · 06/08/2019 16:20

He actually does at work, it’s the kind of job where it’s accepted that people argue. Also road rage, gets angry with strangers etc.
He did get fed up with the wheelchair and I was upset about that. He’s understanding with crutches or my stick, also MH problems.

OP posts:

janebond007 · 06/08/2019 16:21

he's right and I say that as a deaf person. Wear your hearing aids. It sucks but the more you wear them, the more you will get used to them.

That said, your hearing aids wont give you 100% hearing and he needs to understand that.

Have you tried making contact with Hearing Link? They are really good at helping you adapt to hearing loss and recommend some equipment you could try in addition to your hearing aids. You can also try signing up for some lip reading classes.

With regards to telephone - could you try texting? Also download the NGT lite app.

Dungeondragon15 · 06/08/2019 16:22

He definitely should be more patient. However, I think that you should consider wearing hearing aids more often. My father often doesn't wear his (has had them since his 40s) and while I would never get frustrated I do sometimes say that I am not talking to him unless he puts them in as it does make a difference. He wears non visible NHS ones though. I understand they are expensive but would it not be worth the investment as it would make your life easier/happier.

Original poster

IamMachine · 06/08/2019 16:24

Thanks for your advice janebond
I’ll make an appointment tomorrow to get re-referred to hearing clinic and hopefully they’ll be more comfortable to wear.
I wouldn’t mind wearing them if it wasn’t so unpleasant

OP posts:

Dungeondragon15 · 06/08/2019 16:25

As for the phone could you just put it on loudspeaker next time?

Original poster

IamMachine · 06/08/2019 16:26

I understand that it seems I’m doing nothing to help myself to some people. As they are, it’s like having roadworks in my ears. They really don’t make talking easier to hear.

OP posts:

mumwon · 06/08/2019 16:26

@furrytoebean just told dh about railcard! I can sympathize with both sides of this. Mishearing things you haven't said &repeating things 3times & than being told not to yell (dh has severe hearing loss) not wearing hearing aid out because of loosing it - re glasses - not all visual problems are rectified that easily (peripheral issues close vision - the supermarket ingredients one eyed glasses off peer - which gets someone coming up asking do you need help!) it can be very frustrating for both of you -it may well be you are mishearing more than you think. BUT do go back to hospital & tell them that you are having problems (goes off to get dh another appointment thank you for reminding me!)

Original poster

IamMachine · 06/08/2019 16:27

I can’t hear loudspeaker well myself (too muffled). I did suggest it but he was in a mood

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BettysLeftTentacle · 06/08/2019 16:27

Glasses are totally different.
Funny that it drives you to tears, because it does me too!

Yeah I get that, that’s why I said I can’t imagine how terrible it must be to be losing your hearing. I have impairments too I can empathise however, right now I happen to be standing in your husbands shoes and thought I could give you an insight into why he might not be as forthcoming as you would like. From his point of view, you’ve tried one thing, it hasn’t worked and you’ve ended it there despite it being miserable for and for him. I’m kind of getting the feeling, you’re not much interested in any of that though from your updates.

If this is really just a snapshot of your relationship like you say it is, then you need to have an honest talk with each other about how it’s affecting you, how it’s affecting your relationship and what you’re both willing to do to help.

FermatsTheorem · 06/08/2019 16:27

OP.

I am gobsmacked by some of the really shitty replies on this thread. My mum lost a lot of her hearing towards the end of her life, my dad is going the same way now, and I can spot the first signs in myself in my fifties.

It's shit. But the people around you can do so much - speak clearly (not louder), face you while they're speaking, accept they may have to wait till a source of background noise has passed, that they may have to repeat things. It's not hard. But from some of the responses here anyone would think it was the hearing partner whose life was being more affected and that the deaf partner was doing it just to be annoying .

I like the crutches analogy - no one would be stupid enough to say to someone "well you've got your crutches now, why aren't you out running a 5k this weekend?"

mumwon · 06/08/2019 16:28

actually op you may find there is lipreading classes if your up for them locally do a search on line maybe? Its to help you

Pineapplefish · 06/08/2019 16:29

It’s also upsetting that hearing loss is seen as such an annoyance - I think this is because nearly all health conditions cause more annoyance / discomfort to the sufferer than to the people around them, whereas for hearing loss the reverse is true.

However, it does sound like he could be more patient.

mumwon · 06/08/2019 16:29

& text people rather than phone -although the deaf association maybe able to give you advise on phones

Dungeondragon15 · 06/08/2019 16:31

I can’t hear loudspeaker well myself (too muffled). I did suggest it but he was in a mood

That's a shame as it seems to help my father. Even if you couldn't hear it would mean that he could converse with your MIL though. I think you should also discuss getting some non NHS ones though if you can possibly afford it.

PinkSparklyPussyCat · 06/08/2019 16:31

Look at private hearing aids OP and a finance plan if you can. The new digital ones these days are amazing and even come with a tiny pocket remote/some even with a phone app I believe to change the type of environment you're in.

This. DH has hearing loss and couldn't get on at all with NHS hearing aids as all they did was amplify sounds and that didn't help him as he can't hear certain tones. Earlier this year he went to Specsavers and now has small hearing aids that adjust to the background noise. They bluetooth to his phone so he can now use that easily. There are still certain things he can't here but his hearing is much better than it was.

Original poster

IamMachine · 06/08/2019 16:32

Pineapplefish yeah, it’s so much more annoying for him..... what an ignorant comment!

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