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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I BU telling a woman not to speak to my son?

682 replies

Spinoni · 06/08/2019 13:37

I realise I might be. But in the moment I was so annoyed.

In Sainsbury’s with DD 8 months and DS4
Son wants to go down toy isle- we don’t often to to Sainsburys so he was overly excited. As all 4 year olds are while looking for toys!

Go to the isle, he is looking and I noticed the ‘ boy ‘ toys were down the next isle.
By boy toys I mean toys I know he likes toys he has toys he’s into and toys that are quite frankly marketed at boys.
Me - ‘ ooo look DS name the boys toys are over here ‘
Interfering woman down isle to my son - ‘ you know you can play with whatever you want let your mummy know that ‘

FIRSTLY I was annoyed that I’m not ‘ forcing ‘ him to ‘ boys ‘ toys. It’s stuff I know he wants.
SECONDLY why even say anything?

The thing I massively regret is saying anything.
I said pardon?
And she replied ‘ Sorry it was just the way you said boys toys - when he can play with whatever he wants he shouldn’t be told their just for boys ‘

I replied probably not too politely telling her to mind her own business and I’ll parent how I want to and walked away.
And I could then hear her and another customer talking about me saying how rude I was ?
Was I BU?
I feel mortified I just was angry that something I said was interpreted as me forcing my son into something it’s ridiculous

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 06/08/2019 15:01

@zeezee3
I'm calm, thanks for the concern

But basically, there are people that still want to filter by girl/boy. Why should all this woke shit trump that?

Actually the most "woke" of all are dying to get the male/female boxes back out and shove us all back in there

littlewriggler · 06/08/2019 15:04

My niece likes 'girls toys'. When looking for a bday present for her on one website I was on, you couldn't filter by girls or boys. I had to trawl through loads of irrelevant cars and fuck knows what - in the end I left the site and went on another one.

There's no need for them to be split into "boy" and "girl", though. Just different interests. The same way that adult sites separate into categories like "household", "garden" etc. and they don't put kitchen utensils under "women" and tools under "men".

zeezee3 · 06/08/2019 15:04

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

VashtaNerada · 06/08/2019 15:04

Let Toys Be Toys started on Mumsnet y’know... lettoysbetoys.org.uk/

CensorshipHereIsAJoke · 06/08/2019 15:05

Banangana Tue 06-Aug-19 14:48:51
I agree that this 'boys toys' and 'girls toys' nonsense is damaging.

Funny then that since all this came about, and the molly-coddling parenting, and snowflake nonsense, that MH issues in kids and teens/young people has gone through the roof?

Exforestoarent · 06/08/2019 15:05

I still don’t see a campaign to make all clothing gender neutral, because there is more money to be made in marketing and selling gender specific items. Same with toys, if they are marketed to both genders, there are more sales to be made. Do you really think that John Lewis cares about all the gender neutral crap? They are just want to appear progressive and sell more stuff. It’s just a marketing brainwashing to sell even more...

Praiseyou · 06/08/2019 15:06

I'm ignoring all the gender nonsense on this thread.

The main point is that the woman should not have addressed your son. If she had a problem with what you said, she could have addressed you but I bet she felt much more heroic giving the child a "life lesson".

A stranger telling a child that he should not heed his mother is dangerous and a child protection issue. I would have reported her to security on that basis.

ColaFreezePop · 06/08/2019 15:06

@Aprillygirl that's because loads of us in our 40s were born in the 70s where we didn't have boys and girls toys - they were toys. Even many young children's clothes were unisex. This is because things were more expensive in general to buy.

This didn't mean gender roles weren't reinforced in other ways.

Banangana · 06/08/2019 15:06

Actually the most "woke" of all are dying to get the male/female boxes back out and shove us all back in there

Yes. And in the current climate I'd be very wary of reinforcing the idea that toys/hobbies/clothes etc are gendered.

Peanutbuttericecream · 06/08/2019 15:07

I think what you said was wrong, but she shouldn't have pulled you up on it in public

@pinkblanket So should she have taken her on one side and lectured her?

It was none of the woman's business. The OP was quite right to tell her that.

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2019 15:08

And why should girls play with dolls. Pretend they are mummies. At such young age, if you think about it it's sickening. Watching them pushing round little prams. Or dress their dolls up to look Pretty. Changing their clothes, fixing their hair.

Telling boys they don't play with dollies or push prams. That's what girls do. They get action man with his guns, and the cars that they race about. And tanks, and fighting machines.

Limiting girls. Limiting boys, socialising them from a young age.

None of that shit should exist, a toy is a toy. It should not be a tool to socially condition a child from birth.

CensorshipHereIsAJoke · 06/08/2019 15:08

littlewriggler Tue 06-Aug-19 15:04:05
My niece likes 'girls toys'. When looking for a bday present for her on one website I was on, you couldn't filter by girls or boys. I had to trawl through loads of irrelevant cars and fuck knows what - in the end I left the site and went on another one.

There's no need for them to be split into "boy" and "girl", though. Just different interests. The same way that adult sites separate into categories like "household", "garden" etc. and they don't put kitchen utensils under "women" and tools under "men".

I just wanted to filter by age then girls/boys. I didn't want to spend ages trawling through different categories. Ain't nobody got time for that.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 06/08/2019 15:09

Actually the most "woke" of all are dying to get the male/female boxes back out and shove us all back in there

Of course they are dear.
If you say so.

Personally I want my children grow up knowing that gender stereotypes are damaging bullshit and to make their own minds up, by not forcing them into stupid boxes from early childhood.

I had people horrified that I didn't replace DDs pink bouncer (hand me down from a friend) for DSD2 who was born 11 months after DD. I mean ffs.b

AFistfulofDolores1 · 06/08/2019 15:09

So what if this is how you feel, OP? You're totally entitled to your opinion, whether it falls in line with the expectations of others or not. She was out of order imposing her opinion on you.

SoupDragon · 06/08/2019 15:11

my son plays with whatever he wants

No, he plays with what you buy him and you buy him toys you think are for boys only.

Banangana · 06/08/2019 15:11

Funny then that since all this came about, and the molly-coddling parenting, and snowflake nonsense, that MH issues in kids and teens/young people has gone through the roof?

So you reckon that the increase in MH issues amogst young people is because some parents have decided not to label toys as boys' and girls' toys?

AryaStarkWolf · 06/08/2019 15:12

@Bluntness100 totally agree

Yes. And in the current climate I'd be very wary of reinforcing the idea that toys/hobbies/clothes etc are gendered.

It's massive backwards steps in the name of Liberalism

Idontwanttotalk · 06/08/2019 15:12

@littlewriggler
"Men would be more likely to wear dresses if they were made to fit men's bodies and it wasn't seen by society to be so awful and degrading to be 'feminine'."
I don't believe the majority of men would wear dresses if they were made to fit men's bodies. I think nature has a lot to do with whether you would or not. I don't believe my DH, DF or DBs would wear a dress if one fitted them.

A sari would surely be able to be worn by men yet I haven't seen any men walking around wearing them.

LizzieSiddal · 06/08/2019 15:12

My children- both girls, born in the '90s, played with tractors, a garage, a train set, as well as dolls, prams etc, as did all their friends.

I find it so worrying that we seem to be going back in time nowadays, with awful sexual stereotyping and this is confirmed by some of the attitudes on this thread.

littlewriggler · 06/08/2019 15:12

because there is more money to be made in marketing and selling gender specific items.

Do you really think that John Lewis cares about all the gender neutral crap? They are just want to appear progressive and sell more stuff

Um... Hmm

You make more money by gender stereotyping, unless you're John Lewis apparently.

KatharinaRosalie · 06/08/2019 15:14

InTheHeat I believe that person was referring to certain woke people who claim that a boy who likes dolls cannot be a boy and must be transitioned..

Aragog · 06/08/2019 15:14

I wouldn't say anything as I'm not a confrontational type of person but I would be somewhat Hmmhearing someone actual refer to 'boys toys' directly to their child. It does reinforce the stereotypes of everyone keeps saying such things.

Whilst as a young child Dd did okay with this more marketed towards girls I'd have never called them that at all. Just because they're marketed that way doesn't mean we should refer to them a certain way imo. Eventually the marketing might actually catch up if people try to avoid talking that way.

InTheHeatofLisbon · 06/08/2019 15:15

KatharinaRosalie my mistake for reading it out of context.

Apologies.

SpaceDinosaur · 06/08/2019 15:15

You know you shouldn't have been rude.

She had no place saying anything. Had I been there I would have simply rolled my eyes to myself, as I do when I hear or see something I disagree with.

We simply look for what my child likes "look, there's the faries"
"Look there are the balls"
"Oooh Paw Patrol"
"Look, it's fireman Sam"
"Princesses" etc. We go with the interest, not the label.

My child wears clothing from both sections. To be honest, shorts are stupidly short in one section and much more practical in the other. Some tops are nicer than others.

Trainers and shoes? Practical vs pretty. At 2, let's got for practical

Why limit your child and yourself?

littlewriggler · 06/08/2019 15:15

*I don't believe the majority of men would wear dresses if they were made to fit men's bodies. I think nature has a lot to do with whether you would or not. I don't believe my DH, DF or DBs would wear a dress if one fitted them.

A sari would surely be able to be worn by men yet I haven't seen any men walking around wearing them.*

See my other point - it's society that restricts it too. Men wore dresses, tunics, and togas for long parts of history because they were more practical.