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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I BU telling a woman not to speak to my son?

682 replies

Spinoni · 06/08/2019 13:37

I realise I might be. But in the moment I was so annoyed.

In Sainsbury’s with DD 8 months and DS4
Son wants to go down toy isle- we don’t often to to Sainsburys so he was overly excited. As all 4 year olds are while looking for toys!

Go to the isle, he is looking and I noticed the ‘ boy ‘ toys were down the next isle.
By boy toys I mean toys I know he likes toys he has toys he’s into and toys that are quite frankly marketed at boys.
Me - ‘ ooo look DS name the boys toys are over here ‘
Interfering woman down isle to my son - ‘ you know you can play with whatever you want let your mummy know that ‘

FIRSTLY I was annoyed that I’m not ‘ forcing ‘ him to ‘ boys ‘ toys. It’s stuff I know he wants.
SECONDLY why even say anything?

The thing I massively regret is saying anything.
I said pardon?
And she replied ‘ Sorry it was just the way you said boys toys - when he can play with whatever he wants he shouldn’t be told their just for boys ‘

I replied probably not too politely telling her to mind her own business and I’ll parent how I want to and walked away.
And I could then hear her and another customer talking about me saying how rude I was ?
Was I BU?
I feel mortified I just was angry that something I said was interpreted as me forcing my son into something it’s ridiculous

OP posts:
demureandgraceful · 08/08/2019 10:47

@CassianAndor I have seen no toy shop that still writes girls and boys. Only one half of the shop is filled with my little pony next to barbie and hello kitty as they probably share a target customer and another side filled with dino or cars. Nothing that says boys or girls but more people who like x and y also like z so we put them in one area to make it easy

MuseumGardens · 08/08/2019 10:48

Funny how "woke" is used as an insult when the definition is "alert to injustice in society, especially racism"
I guess it's the new "PC gorn mad."

AryaStarkWolf · 08/08/2019 10:53

@MuseumGardens What's funny is that it's considered a PC idea that a girl might like to play with lego

BertrandRussell · 08/08/2019 10:55

Yes- it’s like “do gooder” being an insult. I’d rather a do gooder than a do badder!

BertrandRussell · 08/08/2019 10:57

And “over-thinking”.

Better than “under thinking”!

Devora13 · 08/08/2019 10:58

She was too much of a coward to challenge you directly, so chose to confuse a 4 year old instead just to make her point. Enough said about her motivation and self righteousness.

CassianAndor · 08/08/2019 11:06

demure never mentioned signs. In the bookshops I go into fiction that might be marketed at girls sits right alongside fiction that might be marketed to boys. Do children and parents still manage to find what they want? Yes - and because the books aren't segregated there is a higher chance that a boy might step out of his 'boy' box and choose a book that might more regularly be chosen by a girl. Which is a GOOD thing.

Ladywillpower · 08/08/2019 11:10

My children are all adults now & I have a 2 year old DGD.
My DD (DGD mother) was never particularly interested in "toys" as such, preferred crayons, jigsaws etc.
DGD was watching tv & saw an advert for Barbie dolls & wanted one much to the annoyance of DD. DD huffily responded "who do you think would want to play with a Barbie doll?".
Immediate response from DGD "Uncle Charlie",who is my 6 ft 4, 28 year old son!!

Fillipe · 08/08/2019 12:58

Ladywillpower Grin Grin

thebillmoon · 08/08/2019 14:04

You were right AND we live in a democracy. You have every right to say boy's toys whether people like it or not.

M3lon · 08/08/2019 14:06

ah yes democracy...where you have the right to be as sexist or racist as you like!

Oh wait...that's not true is it?

Pretty sure a toy shop selling toys labelled 'white toys' and 'BAME toys' would soon discover you can't do what ever you like even in a democracy!

BertrandRussell · 08/08/2019 14:18

“You have every right to say boy's toys whether people like it or not.”

You have every right to say all sorts of daft stuff! Doesn’t mean you should, though.

Simkin · 08/08/2019 14:25

The truth is that shops love you too spend more time in them than necessary.

The only reason not to put dinos next to my little ponies is because you think gender is true. They are both play animals (i suppose you could have an extinct/fantasy animals section with unicorns and dinos in it).

Cars don't intrinsically have anything to do with paw patrol. Barbie has nothing in common with a toy cooker - unless you group things by gender and prescribe what your kids should look at accordingly.

Benes · 08/08/2019 14:49

Yey to democracy......I hereby declare that only men can be doctors, engineers and scientists and women should stick to being teachers and nurses. Until they get married of course then they should stay at home to look after the house and raise children. Of course we should ensure people know their place early on so we'll make it easy and ensure we have 'girls' toys and 'boys' toys. These toys will encourage children to develop the skills they will need for the future.

What could possibly go wrong? 🙄

browneyes77 · 08/08/2019 14:53

Honestly I think it’s adults that get all het up about this stuff and demand neutrality, whilst in the meantime the kids don’t really give a shit and will just pick up and play with whatever they like.

The difference only really comes when a parent physically stops a child from playing with a specific toy because they believe it should only be for the opposite sex. So a parent stopping their son playing with dolls etc.

Just referring to them as boys toys or girls toys isn’t going to scar your child for life. But physically stopping your child playing with them and telling them it’s wrong to play with that toy, might.

This entire thread has all been a little bit melodramatic in response to the OP’s original post. Fact is, whatever you think about the terminology of toys, this woman had no right to open her judgey mouth to the OP’s child in the first place.

Evilmorty · 08/08/2019 14:55

I’m really not demanding anything. I’m just like, wanna play with that? Cool. That’s the end.

I’m not the one screaming for very intricately labelled toy shops with aisles that have more than one category so that my little boy doesn’t accidentally look at a barbie and ask me for one.

Benes · 08/08/2019 15:01

brown do you understand how socialisation works? If only it was as easy as parents allowing free access to all toys.

browneyes77 · 08/08/2019 15:44

@Benes What? Hmm

Benes · 08/08/2019 15:49

Well brown your post seems to suggest that you don't understand how socialisation and unconscious bias works.

It's a much bigger issue than parents preventing or encouraging children to play with certain toys. It's doesn't even matter if those toys are labelled as suitable for girls or boys. Gender stereotypes run much deeper than this and it's worrying that so many people don't seem to be able to understand this.

AryaStarkWolf · 08/08/2019 15:50

Just referring to them as boys toys or girls toys isn’t going to scar your child for life. But physically stopping your child playing with them and telling them it’s wrong to play with that toy, might.

Yes but calling them boys toys and girls toys is what makes the taboo around playing with the "opposite sexes toys" in the first place and which cause a parent to try to stop their child playing with the "wrong" toy

GreenTulips · 08/08/2019 16:11

so that my little boy doesn’t accidentally look at a barbie and ask me for one

Does he have a doll? Has he asked for one? Has one one brought him a doll?

Evilmorty · 08/08/2019 19:07

Yes green he has one. Lots in fact.

Read the whole fucking sentence I’m not the one screaming for very intricately labelled toy shops with aisles that have more than one category so that my little boy doesn’t accidentally look at a barbie and ask me for one.

This is directed towards the poster who has written about 6 paragraphs on how she would set up her imaginary toy shop to separate boys and girls toys.

Evilmorty · 08/08/2019 19:11

I’m now inclined to agree about the hysteria of some posters on this thread. I don’t agree with gendered toys, said it a few times now, and yet there are still some people so frantic to find someone to disagree with that even when I’m in support of the same point as them, have to ask me three times whether my son has a doll.

Does he have a doll??? Has he asked for a doll??? Has ONE ONE bought him a doll???

Calm the fuck down and take the time to have a proper read 👍🏻

BertrandRussell · 08/08/2019 19:26

“so that my little boy doesn’t accidentally look at a barbie and ask me for one”

I am as sure as I can be that that was a joke...Grin.

CBsDad · 09/08/2019 10:49

Is the issue here not that someone is openly critiquing someone's parenting? If I see a parent buying processed for for their kid am I entitled to express my opinion? Can I tell a parent they are raising their child 'wrong' where is the line drawn? If it's in the interest of health and safety then absolutely step in but other than that absolutely don't say anything. OP completely entitled to respond as they did. Well done.