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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I BU telling a woman not to speak to my son?

682 replies

Spinoni · 06/08/2019 13:37

I realise I might be. But in the moment I was so annoyed.

In Sainsbury’s with DD 8 months and DS4
Son wants to go down toy isle- we don’t often to to Sainsburys so he was overly excited. As all 4 year olds are while looking for toys!

Go to the isle, he is looking and I noticed the ‘ boy ‘ toys were down the next isle.
By boy toys I mean toys I know he likes toys he has toys he’s into and toys that are quite frankly marketed at boys.
Me - ‘ ooo look DS name the boys toys are over here ‘
Interfering woman down isle to my son - ‘ you know you can play with whatever you want let your mummy know that ‘

FIRSTLY I was annoyed that I’m not ‘ forcing ‘ him to ‘ boys ‘ toys. It’s stuff I know he wants.
SECONDLY why even say anything?

The thing I massively regret is saying anything.
I said pardon?
And she replied ‘ Sorry it was just the way you said boys toys - when he can play with whatever he wants he shouldn’t be told their just for boys ‘

I replied probably not too politely telling her to mind her own business and I’ll parent how I want to and walked away.
And I could then hear her and another customer talking about me saying how rude I was ?
Was I BU?
I feel mortified I just was angry that something I said was interpreted as me forcing my son into something it’s ridiculous

OP posts:
IceRebel · 07/08/2019 22:10

Why don’t you accept that not everyone can/wants to be gay/transgender and some people want to stay the way we were born?

Err not sure how this is relevant.

Remember when you said Some people on here respond for the sake of responding and not making a valid a point.

You're just as guilty of this as some other people on the thread, if not more so as you've gone off on a complete tangent here. Confused

Imbananas · 07/08/2019 22:19

Yeah I agree with you so apologies but I get a bit annoyed because people are so tough on the op because of all this boys/girls toys.
The thing is that woman shouldn’t have interfered. People like her must learn to mind their own bloody business.

EmpressLesbianInChair · 07/08/2019 22:24

Why don’t you accept that not everyone can/wants to be gay/transgender and some people want to stay the way we were born?

Well yes... if you go by Stonewall’s definition of trans, which is anyone unhappy with the gender (socially constructed sex-role stereotypes) associated with their biological sex, then any boy who plays with pink toys or any girl who likes football must be transgender.

Or you can recognise that as regressive sexist bollocks.

Jamct23 · 07/08/2019 22:36

You definitely have NOT been unreasonable

LolaSmiles · 07/08/2019 22:44

Imbananas
No I didn't say the same thing. Sex and gender are different. One is a biological reality and the other is not.

I acknowledged that some jobs have the freedom in law to have a genuine occupational requirement for the sex of the postholder.

Boys' and girls' toys and other gender stereotyping has nothing to do with it, and if anything limits boys and girls and their perception of careers and their perception of particular attributes and places pressure on them to conform to very narrow set of rules that does a disservice to us all.

chocciepumpkin · 07/08/2019 22:49

This woman sounds like an ignorant fool. I'd have been most displeased if she said that to my child. Sounds like she needs to get a life.

Imbananas · 07/08/2019 22:49

All of you trying to push the so-called Gender neutral toys read this:

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.express.co.uk/life-style/life/455465/Stop-making-our-children-neutral-let-boys-and-girls-play-with-gender-specific-toys/amp

LolaSmiles · 07/08/2019 23:11

It's not about pushing gender neutral toys. It's about there being just toys.

It's about not telling children that craft is for girls and toy guns are for boys, that if girls want to bake they need pink cooking things but if boys bake it needs to be blue.

Nobody gives a damn that Barbie and Action Man are gendered. Nobody is suggesting that every child plays with the same thing all the time (plus social conditioning on all of us will transfer some preferences).

Take toys out of the equation a second. I'm buying baby clothes for bump. I like some typically girly clothes and typically boy clothes but neither that are pointlessly pushing gender stereotypes (e.g. little monster tops for boys / dancer motifs and tutus for girls) and will be buying some of them in due course. I'm not some hard-line person who seeks a sea of beige and white to pretend there's no socialisation at all.

When I've been shopping it's been really hard to find nice pretty unisex clothing and the reality is that what's happened is they have a few creamy items and then otherwise I've picked a range from both 'girl' and 'boy' sections. I honestly think it is stupid that a white and grey sleepsuit with a dinosaur on is classed as a boy baby outfit, but a different item of clothing that's white with animals on is a girl item of clothing.
A bright yellow jumper was classed as a girl item of clothing, but a mustard yellow coat (similar shade to the popular Joules one) was a boy one.
They're just nice baby clothes! But they were more difficult to find in a sea of very pink/purple and blue/grey.

I feel the same about toys. I genuinely couldn't care less if Barbie and Action Man are preferred by boys and girls, that's life and we are all socialised and we've all been shaped by advertising. It would be a very foolish person to claim otherwise.

But is Star Wars a boy toy? Is Lego a boy toy unless it's pink and then it's for girls? Do we really need 2 versions of the same product in gender coded colours? Do we need a book of adventure stories to be labeled as for boys, or could they just be some great stories that boys and girls could both enjoy? Do the fairytales and fantasy anthologies need to be labelled as for girls, or are they tales that anyone could enjoy?

As a child hated playing with Barbie, thought Sylvanian families were dull and pointless, loved mechano, lego and spigrograph and still enjoyed Polly pockets. Thankfully there wasn't a sea of pink and blue when I was a kid and we had mixed sex friendships and everyone played with everything. If my parents were shopping today then they'd have to go to the boy section for Lego and mechano (unless they wanted to buy me it in pink), the girl section for Polly pocket and would probably find spirograph in with girl toys.

Unless they went to Smyth's who are sensible and sort their website usefully by category e.g. construction / early years / Lego and bricks / fashion and dolls / games and puzzles

Littlejets · 07/08/2019 23:16

Let's all give this some perspective here... all this speculation here's some real life...my best friend lives in Brighton and her son is exposed to a melting pot of sexual liberation. Her son from about 2-3 always wanted female toys, she let him have what ever he liked, consequently he never ever felt he had a closet to hide in and is a very outwardly gay guy. Without the early indication she received from gender specific toys she would never of known how to best allow her son to grow

LolaSmiles · 07/08/2019 23:22

little
Any parent who gives their child a meaningful range of experiences and toys and learning opportunities and is conscious that their own biases and assumptions will shape their actions is probably going to give a broad and accepting approach.

The issue is when people either actively push stereotypes or claim that they are somehow uniquely uninfluenced by complex social norms and so therefore their child must have been hardwired to have stereotypical preferences.

LilQueenie · 07/08/2019 23:34

you did nothing wrong OP. The other person could have said to you rather be cowardly and say it to a child who wouldn't be likely to answer back. I often say to dd the girls stuff is over there. Primarily because she is heavily into barbie and lol at the moment. I also point out batman toys to her as she likes that too. Big deal. Its not forcing sterotypical views on a child.

Littlejets · 07/08/2019 23:35

Lola

Ergo, the woman in question was pushing the line in her assumption that OP didn't know her own child?

LolaSmiles · 07/08/2019 23:42

Littlejets
I don't get your point.
From my first comment on this thread I've said the woman was rude to comment in the supermarket even though I agree with her sentiment on claiming gendered toys.

onegiftedgal · 07/08/2019 23:43

There ARE boys toys and girls toys so you were completely right op. We are born male or female period. How we choose to raise our children is how we mould them. Parents determine how their children will turn out.
The woman was rude op and she had no right to approach or speak to your child.

Littlejets · 07/08/2019 23:48

My point is, if gender specific toys didn't exist, would identifying our children's preferences and identity's be so apparent?

albertselephants · 08/08/2019 00:08

YANBU, the woman was rude and I would have been ruder back.

My eldest DD wore pink everything for the first few years of her life, everything she owned was pink and all her toys were pink. She absolutely grew up wanting exclusively girls toys although she was exposed to both.
Now aged 10, she owns many boy clothes and toys and hates the colour pink. She happily says shes going to look in the boys section so clearly me bringing her up with my definitions of boy and girl toys/clothes hasn't damaged her for life 😂

In contrast, my 8yr old DD is still very pink and girly 😊

CTRL · 08/08/2019 00:13

I don’t think you needed to be rude but I also don’t think the lady needed to say anything.

I really CBA with all this gender neutral crap. His a boy and youbsimpy sirectedbyou boy child to the boys toys that you know he would enjoy and he likes. End of

CTRL · 08/08/2019 00:14

You simply directed your boy*.

Autotext is on a mad one tonight 🙄

Wheresthetimegone · 08/08/2019 00:37

I too am very shocked that people are horrified that you referred to them as boys toys. I’ve worked with young children for over 20 years and it’s a fact that boys more often do choose to play with certain toys ie cars, animals, construction, castles .... It’s PC gone mad - I would have told her to mind her own business and to concentrate on her own life which is probably far from perfect.

TerracottaLeggy · 08/08/2019 00:44

Wheresthetimegone

I too am very shocked that people are horrified that

Yeah well, I'm flabbergasted that you are shocked that people are horrified.

Your move.

Littlejets · 08/08/2019 00:51

Terracottaleggy*
*
Its tiresome. Our children will chose their own way regardless. We all did!!! No one needs this shit shoved down their throats and judged at every opportunity just because they're unhappy in their own lives and feel the need to stick their beaks in other people's business.

missperegrinespeculiar · 08/08/2019 00:55

The lady was right, interfering, but right! I wish I had her courage!

avamiah · 08/08/2019 01:05

Omg .
Firstly the woman should mind her own business and if OP wants to say “boys toys “ then she can say that as her child is a boy and for her to say boys toys then he must like playing with cars, action figures rather than barbie dolls.
What is the big deal ??
Most department stores separate toys into boys and girls sections otherwise nobody could find anything .

savingshoes · 08/08/2019 01:14

You described the isle in a way your son would know that he would be interested/look forward to seeing.
I think that person who challenged you front of your child was rude and undermining. You were right to stand your ground.
Once he's older and can articulate more I'm sure you can grow together with other ways of describing a bit of plastic that your child knows as boys toys.

GreenTulips · 08/08/2019 01:16

Most department stores separate toys into boys and girls sections otherwise nobody could find anything

You see that’s madness

What’s wrong with Art supplies, bikes, out door toys, sports, construction, dolls, dressing up clothes etc etc

Why does it need to be labelled Boy/girl?

That’s the point! They are just toys.

And those who work with children will see boys gravitated towards the princess dresses and girls towards the trains because they don’t have them at home.