Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I BU telling a woman not to speak to my son?

682 replies

Spinoni · 06/08/2019 13:37

I realise I might be. But in the moment I was so annoyed.

In Sainsbury’s with DD 8 months and DS4
Son wants to go down toy isle- we don’t often to to Sainsburys so he was overly excited. As all 4 year olds are while looking for toys!

Go to the isle, he is looking and I noticed the ‘ boy ‘ toys were down the next isle.
By boy toys I mean toys I know he likes toys he has toys he’s into and toys that are quite frankly marketed at boys.
Me - ‘ ooo look DS name the boys toys are over here ‘
Interfering woman down isle to my son - ‘ you know you can play with whatever you want let your mummy know that ‘

FIRSTLY I was annoyed that I’m not ‘ forcing ‘ him to ‘ boys ‘ toys. It’s stuff I know he wants.
SECONDLY why even say anything?

The thing I massively regret is saying anything.
I said pardon?
And she replied ‘ Sorry it was just the way you said boys toys - when he can play with whatever he wants he shouldn’t be told their just for boys ‘

I replied probably not too politely telling her to mind her own business and I’ll parent how I want to and walked away.
And I could then hear her and another customer talking about me saying how rude I was ?
Was I BU?
I feel mortified I just was angry that something I said was interpreted as me forcing my son into something it’s ridiculous

OP posts:
dragonflyflew · 08/08/2019 01:21

She was rude! I hate when people do virtue signalling, presuming that they’re so much more right on and woke than everyone else without any knowledge at all of how people live and what existing knowledge they already have.

ChocolateCroissants · 08/08/2019 01:23

Oh all the gender neutrals are out in force... you know the same ones that find out the “gender” of their babies so they can buy a load of blue or pink 🤣.

I’d refer to the diggers, trucks, cars etc as boys toys and the barbies and dolls as girls toys. I have a boy and a girl so we have girls and boys toys, my daughter loves dolls, my son loves cars and diggers. I don’t tell them what to play with, they can play with whatever they like, but they seem to like stereotypical toys.

I don’t get why it’s so weird to tell your child where the boys toys he likes are?! I’d refer to them as that too, because well they are!

Maniak · 08/08/2019 01:29

I say "boys toys" and "girls toys" all the time! Because stuff is OBVIOUSLY marketed to boys and girls. My kids aren't stupid. Why deny reality? But then, on top of that, I make fun of all the gender specific stuff, and so do they.

All I can say, OP, is get used to it? Weird people are forever popping up out of nowhere to make comments about parenting and kids, in my experience. Try not to let it get to you.

HennyPennyHorror · 08/08/2019 01:30

Maniak that's not the POINT. It's the fact that toys ARE marketed at boys and girls that;s wrong!

Nobody's denying they are. Just saying it's NOT ON.

avamiah · 08/08/2019 01:35

Green Tulips,
Well tell that to Hamleys in London, one of the biggest toy stores in the world .
It’s just not possible to put a barbie house and all of the barbies on the same floor as Tomas the tank engine and friends and 15 different train sets, let’s not forget barbies friends but she does have her friend Ken so that’s ok .

Maniak · 08/08/2019 01:38

@HennyPennyHorror i don't have any control over how companies market their stuff, but I can influence how my children think.
If my son says, "I want to look at boys toys," and I reply, "Darling, what do you mean? There is no such thing!" it's gaslighting him. There IS such a thing as boys toys, it's obvious, it's oppressive and there's absolutely no point in preventing kids from using words to name it.

GADDay · 08/08/2019 01:45

Toys. Just toys.

Interfering woman - weirdo for opening her mouth and offering unwanted opinion/advice.

OP - whilst there is a level of PCness about this issue, it's much the same as the accepted levels of racism in the 70's. Nothing would ever have changed if hard and fast social norms were not redefined. Seriously, it's 2019, we need the same social norms to be redefined if anything is ever going to fundamentally change sexist norms. Subliminally you are gender stereotyping your children. This will affect the way they interact with the world as they grow. It is unavoidable if you don't modify your language/mindset.

TumblingTumbleWeeds · 08/08/2019 01:46

I'd have told her I didn't want my son to spend the rest of his life on hormones and in therapy. Fuck her to hell.

avamiah · 08/08/2019 01:57

It’s simple, you can only guide your children not control them .
I always answer my daughters questions honestly.

HennyPennyHorror · 08/08/2019 03:59

Maniak I think you will find that you DO have control over the way companies market their toys

As the MN born campaign "Let Toys be Toys for Girls and Boys" has proved and goes ON to prove.

They've galvanised change in loads of places. Read it up.
lettoysbetoys.org.uk/

InMySpareTime · 08/08/2019 04:13

By convention, all steam trains are referred to with feminine pronouns, so Thomas and his friends are all girls. HTH.

TheSpamCounter · 08/08/2019 04:15

Just another 'woke' nutter.

If you want to point your son in the direction of the toys that you know he prefers, then that's your prerogative.

They're toys. He's a boy. He likes the boys toys.

Fk political correctiveness. It'll have been replaced with a new set of unwritten rules in a couple of years anyway

MangoMummy19 · 08/08/2019 04:48

I would have done exactly the same thing to be honest. "Sorry Susan, maybe pick up a jar of mind your damn business on aisle 2" Hang how polite they thought I was being as telling you how to communicate with your own child is the height of rudeness.

TimeForDinnerDinnerDinner · 08/08/2019 05:14

I just don't understand why passersby need to give uninvited input. Butt OUT.

OP YANBU

MangoMummy19 · 08/08/2019 05:24

Why are people acting like she slapped a toy doll out of her son's hand and then redirected him to the dump trucks??? Gender stereotypes exist and the OP is not responsible for it. She knows best what her child is into...so if her son was into dressing up as a ballerina, she would know and direct him to said section. The person comparing this issue to racism is an idiot. You can alter your preference in toys; at any age, you cannot alter your DNA. Children are born with parents so they can have guidance, once a child reaches an age where they can express themselves more they are vocal about it. Sheesh

demureandgraceful · 08/08/2019 05:40

This is ridiculous. That woman was out of order and very rude. While of course kids are free to play with any toy they like shops try to make it as easy to navigate as possible that's why they group toys enjoyed by one group all in one place and shops enjoyed by a different group in another because let's be honest there is no point keeping the hello kitty stuff at the other end of the store to my little pony and then have barbie completely else where forcing both adult and children to walk the entire shop trying to find where the new hatchimal is.

rwalker · 08/08/2019 05:40

Sorry well done for speaking up nothing to do with her. As for gender organisation of toys not a problem with this they have to be in some order what do people suggest alphabetical? . Don't know about every body else kid but mine would pick up and played with what they wanted. regardless if it was on a pink or blue shelf.

Fillipe · 08/08/2019 05:55

Shock, horror!! OP said "boys toys". Anyone would think she'd sworn at him or something! And what's it got to do with that random stranger anyway? Bugger off, nosey cow. Well done OP for saying what you wanted to say instead of what other people want to hear. Good on yaWine

BlueMoon1103 · 08/08/2019 06:30

If any random interfered with my parenting is have to them to leave us alone...what business is it of hers? And I’m a bit surprised how many people on here think it’s okay to get involved in other people’s parenting?! Eh??

G5000 · 08/08/2019 06:53

It's so depressing that people see no problems whatsoever in limiting children's choices based on their genitals. Why would you do that? Whom does it benefit besides toy manufacturers, who can sell a regular globe and pink one? How is it easier to find stuff when it's marked 'girls' as opposed to 'dolls'?

G5000 · 08/08/2019 06:59

Don't know about every body else kid but mine would pick up and played with what they wanted. regardless if it was on a pink or blue shelf

Mine as well, until they went to school and came home with very clear ideas what was for boys and what was for girls. Suddenly started to carefully studying all toy ads, and declared something is suitable for boys or girls depending on if they showed boys or girls in the ad. I still remember when my son was watching one toy and was sad as this was for girls, but then there was a boy also shown, and he immediately cheered up and said it's for both, I can have it!
Labels matter. Marketing matters, otherwise it would not be a billion-pound industry. Unnecessary sexist labelling should not be a thing.

Fizzysours · 08/08/2019 07:00

I agree she was a bit OTT but also agree it's really important to think of how social conditioning has undoubtedly already done its work on your son...avoid reinforcing it...because he may go through his whole life happy to be stereotypically male, or he may experience a lot of internal stress and unhappiness, feeling he does not fit into that stereotype. And that is so sad and so pointless....be part of the solution, op!! Rude woman was right (but harassed parents do not, in my experience, appreciate sociology of gender lectures in a supermarket)

demureandgraceful · 08/08/2019 07:02

@G5000 because it makes sense to put the dolls next to the other toy that 90% of children that like dolls also happen to like rather then have it at the other end of the store. They do also do globes that come in a colour that is neither pink nore blue. No one is forcing anyone to buy gendered everything. Most toy shops also have a neutral family section where you find board games and puzzels etc stuff to do as a family

G5000 · 08/08/2019 07:07

And they also have to be labelled as 'girls' instead of just 'dolls'? You couldn't put chemistry sets all together, instead of 'boys set' on one floor and pink 'girls set' on another? I go to scandinavia often where they would not dream of such sexist labels, and have been able to find toys just fine.

demureandgraceful · 08/08/2019 07:12

Most shops I see are not but you do still get the my little pony, hello kitty, hatchimal, sylvanian family, disney princess on one end of the store and get the power rangers, hot wheels at the other end the chemistry sets tend to be again in the neutral section unless it is sparkly and full of glitter in which case once again there is a gender neutral option right next to the board games.