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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I BU telling a woman not to speak to my son?

682 replies

Spinoni · 06/08/2019 13:37

I realise I might be. But in the moment I was so annoyed.

In Sainsbury’s with DD 8 months and DS4
Son wants to go down toy isle- we don’t often to to Sainsburys so he was overly excited. As all 4 year olds are while looking for toys!

Go to the isle, he is looking and I noticed the ‘ boy ‘ toys were down the next isle.
By boy toys I mean toys I know he likes toys he has toys he’s into and toys that are quite frankly marketed at boys.
Me - ‘ ooo look DS name the boys toys are over here ‘
Interfering woman down isle to my son - ‘ you know you can play with whatever you want let your mummy know that ‘

FIRSTLY I was annoyed that I’m not ‘ forcing ‘ him to ‘ boys ‘ toys. It’s stuff I know he wants.
SECONDLY why even say anything?

The thing I massively regret is saying anything.
I said pardon?
And she replied ‘ Sorry it was just the way you said boys toys - when he can play with whatever he wants he shouldn’t be told their just for boys ‘

I replied probably not too politely telling her to mind her own business and I’ll parent how I want to and walked away.
And I could then hear her and another customer talking about me saying how rude I was ?
Was I BU?
I feel mortified I just was angry that something I said was interpreted as me forcing my son into something it’s ridiculous

OP posts:
Csleeptime · 06/08/2019 22:36

icerebel yes because my parents didn't help me learn to dress like a girl or do make up so I got bullied loads at school specifically because if this. I loved being a tom boy but I wish they taught me so I could fit in rather than 3 years crying in the bathroom at school. It would be great if thus didn't happen but that's not reality

MirzyMoo · 06/08/2019 22:41

Your son is probably more confused because you made as issue out of nothing. Who says "Boys toys" anyway? In Sainsbury's its just the toy aisle, no segregation needed. Seriously 😧

MidnightMystery · 06/08/2019 22:51

I'd have told her to mind her business.

Sceptre86 · 06/08/2019 22:51

My ds is naturally drawn towards cars and vehicle type toys, whereas his sister isn't. My ds also likes his sisters toy kitchen more than she does and even at 2 tries to help me in the kitchen again his sister has no interest. He also likes dolls but is not very gentle with them. Dd has no interest in dolls. She likes musical toys, her toy shop and sport type toys. I think some kids are just more drawn to particular toys. It sounds like you were directing his attentions away from certain (girl's) toys. The woman had the right sentiment but she didn't need to express it and it sound like you were rude.

YourDaughter · 06/08/2019 23:41

This BBC documentary (interesting in its own right) puts a different slant on it - as a Psychology teacher anyway Grin. It’s the experiment with the baboons if you want to skip to the only relevant bit, it starts about 20 mins in

www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/m0007f78/animals-at-play-series-1-2-playing-together

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 06/08/2019 23:49

I agree she was interfering. I wouldn't have said anything. But I would have thought exactly what she did.

Your attitude is sexist, limiting and about 60 years out of date. So from my POV you were both BU.

Bouncingbelle · 07/08/2019 00:09

Am i the only one here not horrified by op saying "boys toys"?! Obviously her son can play with whatever he wants, but shops DO market toys on a gender basis. My son has ample opportunity to play with dolls/my little pony/prams etc but has NO interest in them. He has been into cars & trains since he was tiny, wheres his girl cousins love all those kind of hatchimal/lol doll type toys (in addition to dinosaurs & cars). Have toys not just been marketed to boys/girls as they are what boys/girls tend to like???

Enclume · 07/08/2019 00:58

Toy isle
Toy aisle
Toy I'll

She had a 1/3 chance of getting it right, but fickle Lady Luck was not smiling on OP today Sad

M3lon · 07/08/2019 01:08

Csleep so you feel you parents should have forced you into stereotypes against your will? I suppose they would have saved the bullies the effort by doing their job for them eh?

Parents should support their kids against bullying and the enforcement of gender stereotypes, not get in on the act!

M3lon · 07/08/2019 01:13

bouncing have you ever praised a kid for something? You know the way they react - really happy and like they want that praise from you again?

Now imagine that more often than not random adults praise girls, its for looking pretty, being kind, playing nicely etc. What will those kids value and be interested in? And those same adults ore often than not praise boys for being smart and brave and showing physical skill....what will those kids value and be interested in?

Its all about subtle bias. Have a look at the many video links on this thread. You will see many adults convinced that the chid they were playing with chose gendered toys, but in reality the adults made the gendered toy choice based on what the kids were wearing and not their actual gender at all...and certainly never on the child's actual preference which is totally swamped by the adult biases.

Mymomsbetterthanyomom · 07/08/2019 01:25

These comments are absolutely ridiculous!

MilkLady02 · 07/08/2019 01:32

OP, perhaps you should have said to her, “you’re right, come on Isabelle, (or any girl’s name) let’s look at the gender neutral toys!”

Yeahnahmum · 07/08/2019 02:56

Yabu.
"Boy toys" is just laughable

OneStepSideways · 07/08/2019 06:22

YABU to say boys toys, good for her to correct you! Your son may prefer trains/cars/action figures etc but so do lots of girls. My DD loves 'boys toys' and I never tell her she's shopping from the 'boys' aisle.

Really the supermarket and manufacturers are to blame. Toys shouldn't be marketed for one gender. Tea sets shouldn't be pink. All children should be encouraged to play with a variety of toys, not just those thrust at them by gender stereotypes. Even though you feel your son innately prefers 'boys toys' he will have been bombarded with gender stereotyping since birth (TV, nursery, other kids, adverts etc) pushing him towards a certain type of toy.

My friend's son loves playing with baby dolls, he has a child's farm doll he carries about in a baby carrier. He also loves his toy kitchen, mop, playmobil fairyland castle thing. He goes to a Montessori nursery where they follow a gender neutral play method. What's wrong with that? If kids felt less pressure from society to conform, there would be no need for segration of toy aisles.

londonrach · 07/08/2019 06:36

Op...most people would agree with her but most people wouldnt say anything. They just privately shake their head at you. Not heard anyone say boy toys since my childhood. Yabu

IceRebel · 07/08/2019 06:44

Csleeptime I find it sad that you blame your parents for allowing you to be yourself, rather than the bullies who were actually to blame.

VivaLeBeaver · 07/08/2019 06:48

Am i the only one here not horrified by op saying "boys toys"?! Obviously her son can play with whatever he wants, but shops DO market toys on a gender basis. My son has ample opportunity to play with dolls/my little pony/prams etc but has NO interest in them. He has been into cars & trains since he was tiny, wheres his girl cousins love all those kind of hatchimal/lol doll type toys (in addition to dinosaurs & cars). Have toys not just been marketed to boys/girls as they are what boys/girls tend to like???

I'm pretty horrified by this. What difference do you think there is between a boy's brain and a girl's brain that makes one like cars and one like dolls? There's no difference. Toy companies may gender market their toys but that doesn't mean as a parent you have to reinforce gender stereotypes.

People who say their boys are into cars/trains from a young age don't seem to realise that's because they've been bought such toys from a young age. How many dolls did you buy your son from a young age? If you hadn't bought him any cars and only bought him dolls he would love playing with dolls.

LadyWithLapdog · 07/08/2019 06:49

YABU. Boys toys and then a mouthful of expletives, great.

MashedSpud · 07/08/2019 06:55

None of her damn business. I hate snowflake busybodies.

Guavaf1sh · 07/08/2019 07:01

YANBU - it’s hard enough shopping with children as it is without the word police butting in

toomuchtooold · 07/08/2019 07:13

@Csleeptime I know where you're coming from. Our kids, like us, are in a society that has very strong expectations about you depending on your sex, and pretending that that doesn't exist is not necessarily the best way to support your kids through dealing with those expectations. You know, not everyone wants to be a gender warrior all the bloody time, specially in the school environment, where the smallest differences get picked on. Part of being a successful child is figuring out what the social codes are and following them, or at least being in control of when you choose to break them. I see this with my own kids - 7 yo twin girls - they do reject stuff that they perceive as boys' only, and while I can make sarcastic comments about does it have a willy, I know that they get peer pressure at school and they need to negotiate that in their own way. Otherwise you're into vegan dog territory, you know?

MissMogwai · 07/08/2019 07:17

YANBU she was interfering.

Even if she disagreed with you, what's it got to do with her?!

The fact she thought you were rude in your reply says it all really. She can say what she wants but you can't.

Yabbers · 07/08/2019 07:18

They confirmed to those norms without any nudge from me.
That suggests you were the only influence.

We don’t believe in norms and stereotypes. DDs favourite colour is turquoise. For a few months aged about 3, it was pink, purely because of her friends at nursery who loved pink. She didn’t really “do” toys, but loved Thomas the Tank, that meant having to shop in boy sections for clothes and toys. We often heard people say to her that Thomas was for boys.

She sees a a lot of doctors and has done since she was little. 80% of them have been women. As part of a game, I asked her to describe a doctor and she described a man. She’s 10, she knows the whole blue/pink job thing is nonsense, she calls it out where she hears it, so why does dr = man? Society.

Don’t underestimate society’s impact on your children. Don’t fall into the myth that left entirely to their own devices girls will “naturally” choose dolls and boys “naturally” choose cars. That’s bullshit.

HulksPurplePanties · 07/08/2019 07:24

My DS & DD are quite close in age (7&6) and they play with the same toys. They choose them together and usually they will choose the same thing. One day it's stuffy pink, sparkly flamingoes, the next day it's hot wheels. The ONLY thing they care about is that they can play with them together.

There are no "boys" toys or "girls" toys and I've made it clear they can play and dress however they want. (In this they do differ, DD is going through a blue with sparkles stage and HATES dresses and DS is decidedly all about the dinosaurs).

YABU to say boys toys and to point him in any particular direction OP. Let him explore the aisle himself and see what he wants.

As for the women. I probably wouldn't have said it out loud, but I sure as hell would have been thinking it.

CassianAndor · 07/08/2019 07:51

Yabbers DD was the same about doctors. She had only ever seen women doctors and yet it came up that she thought only men could be doctors.