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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I BU telling a woman not to speak to my son?

682 replies

Spinoni · 06/08/2019 13:37

I realise I might be. But in the moment I was so annoyed.

In Sainsbury’s with DD 8 months and DS4
Son wants to go down toy isle- we don’t often to to Sainsburys so he was overly excited. As all 4 year olds are while looking for toys!

Go to the isle, he is looking and I noticed the ‘ boy ‘ toys were down the next isle.
By boy toys I mean toys I know he likes toys he has toys he’s into and toys that are quite frankly marketed at boys.
Me - ‘ ooo look DS name the boys toys are over here ‘
Interfering woman down isle to my son - ‘ you know you can play with whatever you want let your mummy know that ‘

FIRSTLY I was annoyed that I’m not ‘ forcing ‘ him to ‘ boys ‘ toys. It’s stuff I know he wants.
SECONDLY why even say anything?

The thing I massively regret is saying anything.
I said pardon?
And she replied ‘ Sorry it was just the way you said boys toys - when he can play with whatever he wants he shouldn’t be told their just for boys ‘

I replied probably not too politely telling her to mind her own business and I’ll parent how I want to and walked away.
And I could then hear her and another customer talking about me saying how rude I was ?
Was I BU?
I feel mortified I just was angry that something I said was interpreted as me forcing my son into something it’s ridiculous

OP posts:
LolaSmiles · 06/08/2019 20:02

MyFamilyHistory
I think the woman was wrong to say anything in the shop

Alas, I don't think there's much critical thought going to happen on this with the OP however it's raised. Socialisation is a myth, boys are inherently programmed to like football and girls like princesses and nobody at all in society influences or creates these stereotypes. It's sad, but what can you do when people think marketing and socialisation is the companies catering to customers rather than companies actively shaping customer preferences and then offering a solution customers hadn't asked for.

Divebar · 06/08/2019 20:07

I was in a supermarket looking at children’s clothes and nearby was a woman with a little girl of about 8. I saw the girl pick up a pair of trousers and heard the mum say “ you can’t have those they’re from the boys section”. So fucking depressing.

Jinglebin1 · 06/08/2019 20:14

I agree with the woman but she shouldnt have said it, its not her place

IceRebel · 06/08/2019 20:19

but she shouldnt have said it, its not her place

Whose place is it then? If parents, family and friends are reinforcing stereotypes, then the cycle continues. Perhaps a comment from a stranger, is what it takes to make a person reconsider their approach to gender stereotyping.

MrsXx4 · 06/08/2019 20:20

@SoupDragon I wasn’t actually making any point about the colour of the cup he has a green, purple, blue and orange I’m just saying that you can’t seem to avoid judgement from certain people. It was more the fact that on the one hand you’ve got someone pointing out that you shouldn’t be saying ‘boys toys’ and on the other I had someone muttering that I should dress my child accordingly.

Most people, like it or not, right or wrong, would see a baby in all white and spot anything that could determine sex and either go with that (if they need to pass a comment) or just say ‘what a lovely baby, what is their name?’

But surely you knew what I was getting at? No?

Dutchesss · 06/08/2019 20:23

YABU.
He may well be into the stereotypes but don't underestimate your part in it.
Imagine someone telling you while you were looking at a new TV in a shop that the 'womens gadgets' were somewhere else.

AlexandPea · 06/08/2019 20:24

None of her business. I would have told her so too.

Beaverdam · 06/08/2019 20:29

I have to be honest. Before i had my son, i really thought that kids were conditioned to play with 'girls' and 'boys' toys and if everything was marketed gebder neutral, than more boys wouod play with dolls and more girls would play with action men etc. However, since i have has my son i realise i am was wrong. He is always given the choice to play with any toy and i encourage it in some aspects because i love gorls toys but he naturally lovees boys toys and is a little boy in every apspect.

The lady shouod have kept her trap shut as she does not know your child.

HelpIcantfindaname · 06/08/2019 20:38

I don't know if it's still like this but just a few years ago I was in Tesco, & the toy aisles were actually labelled as 'Girl's Toys' & 'Boy's Toys'. I couldn't believe it.

Level75 · 06/08/2019 20:41

My son doesn't have a preference for 'girls' or 'boys' toys (as marketed) but he does love unicorns, pink and purple. We don't watch adverts, don't go into clothes shops (shop online) and tell him he can play with and wear what he wants.

Since starting school his freedom of choice has been gradually eroded. Recently he came home and said he didn't want to wear his unicorn hat anymore because a couple of the children had laughed at him for wearing 'girls' clothes'. He was confused and upset.

I know the parents of these kids and they would never consider themselves to be sexist, but the reality is that they bear some responsibility for their kids' behaviour.

Unless you're actively challenging stereotypes at home, the drip feed of marketing and outdated views of gender differences will result in children buying into this rubbish.

And it does matter. The gender imbalance in science and engineering isn't random. The heightened suicide risk for men versus women isn't random. It all has a cause and one of those causes is lazy parenting from the earliest ages.

So, OP, you were BU for pointing your son towards the 'boys' toys but the lady was BU for saying something.

carly2803 · 06/08/2019 20:41

id have told her piss off too- politely

if my child wants to play with the "opposite" genders toys thats fine. But i wont buy my son a doll without being asked (by him) when hes old enough - IF he does!
Mabey old fashioned but no.

ooooohbetty · 06/08/2019 20:49

YANBU. You can say what you like to your son. No matter what anyone on here or any woman in a supermarket says.

Shooturlocalmethdealer · 06/08/2019 20:55

I stand with you. Boy toys and girl toys. I take my.grandson to the boy toy aisle as well. If it's what they like whata the big deal. I'd have said worse to the lady who said that to your son. She had no business saying a thing.

SylvanianFrenemies · 06/08/2019 21:05

I also agreed with her, but she probably shouldn't have approached your son. Maybe she was just surprised.

I don't get how you can "believe" in boys/girls toys. My DD loves Pokemon and Nintendo. Is she less a girl when playing with these than when playing with her baby dolls? Confused Maybe I should tell her she's non-binary. She also prefers trousers to a skirt, so......

KatharinaRosalie · 06/08/2019 21:08

Absolutely. You can't let boys play with girls toys. You never know what might happen..
i.pinimg.com/originals/d7/4e/8a/d74e8a3a22b9c4595f403ec510d5f7f9.jpg

DeReynolds · 06/08/2019 21:08

I have read the whole thread and I wholly agree with everything @blutness100 has added to the conversation.

@carly2803 if your son is old enough to choose his own toys then I 100% agree that you wouldn't buy him a doll if he didn't want one. But if he isn't old enough and you do buy his toys for him then I think you are missing a trick by not adding a doll to his toy collection. That way he has the option to choose without any gender stereotype.

I was horrified when my gran told me how she enjoyed seeing my partner push our daughter in her pram, as back when she had children, if my grandad pushed the pram he would have raised a lot of eyebrows.

It was at that moment I made a conscious decision to never enforce gender stereotypes on my children.

On the other hand my partners mother thinks it's a travesty that I don't dress our daughter in pink and frills and steer clear of dresses ( not practical for a toddler). She constantly raises eyebrows at my choices and in her words thinks my daughter needs to be more "girly".

cacklingmags · 06/08/2019 21:11

Her politics were right - her speaking to your son outrageous - I would have told her to go away most forcefully.

BizzzzyBee · 06/08/2019 21:13

I've yet to see anyone articulate rhe benefit of gender stereotyping toys
Just because your culture is accepting of gender neutrality or non conformance to traditional gender roles, doesn’t mean everyone feels the same. Nor should they have to - freedom of beliefs and all that.

Level75 · 06/08/2019 21:21

@BizzzzyBee cultural acceptance of the inferiority of black people (justification for slavery) used to be common. I assume you don't have a problem with that because of 'freedom of beliefs and all that'?

Ever thought that there might be a good reason to challenge cultural differences or the prevailing norms?

EssentialHummus · 06/08/2019 21:23

It goes without saying that he can play with and have an interest in whatever he wants. But things are marketed towards a certain gender in every supermarket/ toy shop

Presumably someone in the 12 pages I didn't read has already pointed out that you identifying certain toys as being for him and others not will have an effect on what he takes an interest in.

YANBU OP, and if someone had butted in the way she had I'd have replied with "Are you always sticking your nose in strangers' business, or am I a special case?" But in your shoes I'd have said that the cars/Peppa toys/blocks/whatever are over there, not brought it down to sex. No one's covering themselves in glory here.

Benes · 06/08/2019 21:23

Why stop at toys biz ? lets go the whole hog and stereotype jobs and go back to gender defined roles in the house and wider society

MilkLady02 · 06/08/2019 21:31

As children in the 80s, my brother and I had a whole range of (traditionally girl’s and boy’s) toys to play with. I used to line up the matchbox cars neatly in colour order, and he used to smash them into the skirting boards and try to drop Lego into the fireplace! I craved a barbie but wasn’t allowed any plastic shite, but used to love going to my friends house to play with them! Having said that I also loved my go kart! I think there is a difference in the toys that boys and girls naturally gravitate to, even if they have not been influenced (as far as possible!) I now work in a traditionally male orientated career (dentistry) and in 13 years can remember only 2 occasions where a boy chose a princess sticker and a girl chose a Spider-Man! (I always give them a choice of any sticker!)

BarbariansMum · 06/08/2019 21:33

So many things "go without saying":

  • women can work in tech, engineering and programming
-women should be paid the same as men for doing the same or equivalent work -men are just as capable as women at doing childcare and housework
  • men can make great carers or nurses

And yet...

roisinagusniamh · 06/08/2019 21:35

I hope you've learned something from this thread OP alongside how to spell aisle properly!