Was I BU telling a woman not to speak to my son?

[Spinoni]

I realise I might be. But in the moment I was so annoyed.

In Sainsbury’s with DD 8 months and DS4
Son wants to go down toy isle- we don’t often to to Sainsburys so he was overly excited. As all 4 year olds are while looking for toys!

Go to the isle, he is looking and I noticed the ‘ boy ‘ toys were down the next isle.
By boy toys I mean toys I know he likes toys he has toys he’s into and toys that are quite frankly marketed at boys.
Me - ‘ ooo look DS name the boys toys are over here ‘
Interfering woman down isle to my son - ‘ you know you can play with whatever you want let your mummy know that ‘

FIRSTLY I was annoyed that I’m not ‘ forcing ‘ him to ‘ boys ‘ toys. It’s stuff I know he wants.
SECONDLY why even say anything?

The thing I massively regret is saying anything.
I said pardon?
And she replied ‘ Sorry it was just the way you said boys toys - when he can play with whatever he wants he shouldn’t be told their just for boys ‘

I replied probably not too politely telling her to mind her own business and I’ll parent how I want to and walked away.
And I could then hear her and another customer talking about me saying how rude I was ?
Was I BU?
I feel mortified I just was angry that something I said was interpreted as me forcing my son into something it’s ridiculous

Same reason as some people teach their kids that God exists. Because they believe it

So can you articulate it? Your response would indicate you cannot articulate why you'd wish to do it, what benefits you see, simply you are saying you lack any form of ability to critically think, blindly believe and as such will tell your kids this?

And toys are not like religion, and as much as religion brings much harm to thr world, most wars are fought in its name, the premise of a god brings benefits to many people, from comfort, through to a sense of community and belonging,

Gendering toys really isn't on the same level. But at least with a belief in god, people are able to articulate the benefits.

I've yet to see anyone articulate rhe benefit of gender stereotyping toys. And the response of because it's like believing in god clearly doesn't answer the question,

@Spinoni

Well I'm not a mum but I reckon she was interferring, shouldn't have said owt and it's none of her damn business. So no. You were not BU imo.

I've yet to see anyone articulate rhe benefit of gender stereotyping toys. And the response of because it's like believing in god clearly doesn't answer the question

Exactly. Al I can see is negatives, what exactly is positive about gendering toys?

FFS OP you are getting a hard time here today. I'm afraid gender stereotyping is everywhere and most of us choose our battles. Eg I had a long conversation with DS re girls could do and be good at football and boys could do ballet. He had got it in his head age 4 that only girls liked ballet because guess what the local class is full of girls wearing pink and sparkly butterflies. Who's to blame? I would say the class teacher for insisting on pink and the girls parents for buying into this.

RE toys, manufacturers and stockists target their goods at either boys or girls. The best toys tend to be gender neutral e.g. Brio, lego (if you forget lego friends which is clearly targeted at girls) so what you said is understandable and I probably would have said it too. DS would not even consider playing with a doll - should I pick him up on this every time? I don't because I think it is more important that he understands that men can do jobs that were traditionally female (e.g. nurse) and vice-versa

I get more pissed off when people talk about 'being a big brave boy' or saying things that suggest its not OK for DS to cry if he is hurt or upset, whereas it is seen as acceptable if a girl does this.

You did nothing wrong OP -

I think the woman was rude but I totally agree with what she said. I think it is important to challenge such old dated views.

I think you were very rude too but who likes their parenting being criticised publicly by strangers?.

But I also think this has been a worthwhile thread. I love the image from onlyoneoftheregimentinstep

I recall seeing the 'Mother's Day gift' books in a supermarket, all pastel colours and chick-lit, for want of a better word, no Tom Clancy in sight! OH laughed and said 'I'll dare the girls to buy one of those!'

Haven't RTFT but OP, YANBU. Jesus, absolutely none of the interfering busybody's business what you say to your child, as long as it's not abusive, you get to say what the hell you like to your own children!

Nothing wrong with saying 'boys toys', and those horrified that said it should wind their bloody necks in, ridiculous bunch glad I don't know anyone like them in RL

It goes without saying that he can play with and have an interest in whatever he wants.

He’s 4. It doesn’t go without saying. Now is exactly the time for it to be said.

I think she was pretty ballsy to say something but I completely agree with her sentiment

Although you mean well, you are actually subtlety conditioning your son to like a certain product by telling him ones are for boys and one for girls

It's not the 1950's, boys can play with babies (don't we all want to bring up boys who will make good fathers) and girls can play with building toys (don't we all want girls who can be logical and make trying independently).

I did watch a very good documentary a couple of years ago on bbc about how society conditions children from a very young age and that's a reason why, traditionally speaking, girls are more nurturing (from day dot given dolls/soft toys etc), therefore more girls in nursing/care work and men are more logical and more men in say engineering work (they're given Lego/mecanno etc more).

Anyway not judging your parenting style at all, just giving you some food for thought

OP don’t worry about it honestly.
When your DD is older she’ll play with your DS’s toys, like I did with both brothers’ lego and cars.
You’ll stop labelling the toys then, you’ll see.

@Cheeseandwin5

There was no bad behaviour here so no need to interfere. The woman was inflating her own sense of self importance (wankerdom). No parent needs pressure adding to what is already a busy / stressful day and the fact that the OP had posted here strongly suggests that the woman's careless comments have had a negative impact. She did not have permission to do this and should should have wound her neck in. Save interference for when it is warranted.

I am really shocked that everyone is so mortified I said boys toys.
It goes without saying that he can play with and have an interest in whatever he wants.

But that isn't the message you're telling him, even if unintentionally. He will hear boys toys and think those are what he should play with. You will think he hasn't an interest in the other toys but that's because he thinks he can't play with them/shouldn't play with them. Words matter - a lot.

The number of people who think it's okay to micromanage the parenting of complete strangers is quite depressing. This really is a case of OP's child, OP's choice!

You said "boys toys". You didn't say "toys for not very clever short-sighted/red haired/working class children" or anything similarly derogatory and unkind. You caused no harm to anyone.

You simply don't parent the way others want you to but that's okay.

I think YANBU and that the interfering woman got off very lightly. I would have told her where to go!

Lots of unpleasant people answering here. Yes she was a bit annoying but she meant no harm, a nicer way to behave (and a better example for your DS) would have been to reply, yes you are absolutely right.

You do cause harm if you perpetuate gender stereotypes.

@MartiniDry

"toys for not very clever short-sighted/red haired/working class children"

Hahaha I am adopting this type of descriptor going forward

Toys marketed at boys - boys toys. Thomas, cars etc etc
Toys marketed at girls-girls toys. Baby dolls and pink tat.
Clear what you meant. Clearly either can play with any of them.
Yanbu. People should keep their views to themselves.

Sexism harms lots of people, just like racism. And if you choose to perpetuate your sexist or racist beliefs in public, people have the right to challenge you.

"And if you choose to perpetuate your sexist or racist beliefs in public, people have the right to challenge you."

And if you choose to challenge complete strangers in public people have the right to tell you to eff off.

So don't be surprised or offended when they do.

Toys marketed at boys - boys toys. Thomas, cars etc etc
Toys marketed at girls-girls toys. Baby dolls and pink tat.
Clear what you meant. Clearly either can play with any of them.

Is it clear to a small child though? Are they going to realise that toys are only categorised in that way for marketing purposes but they can play with what they like, or are they going to think 'I'm a boy and therefore I should be playing with boys' toys?'. Or (a few years down the line) 'I'm a boy but have 'girly' interests and preferences so maybe I'm non-binary/trans'.

Just out of interest, OP, would you use the terms “boys’ jobs” and “girls’ jobs”? Apologies if this has already been discussed upthread.

(or “mens’ jobs” and “women’s jobs”, rather!)

OP I really wouldn't let her busy body ways upset you. Some people just can't help poking their noses in where it's not needed.
She had no right to approach your child in this way and if she did, you are well within you right to politely tell her to eff off.

I remember seeing the epitome of why gendered toys are shit in the
Early Learning centre once. It was a globe and came in standard colours for the boys and pink for the girls. 🤦🏻‍♀️

urgh. Glad someone pulled you up on it OP.

You are very confident your kid prefers those toys due to no bias from yourself, but all the evidence indicates that its EXACTLY because people like you push those toys preferentially that causes the 'preference' in the first place.