Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I BU telling a woman not to speak to my son?

682 replies

Spinoni · 06/08/2019 13:37

I realise I might be. But in the moment I was so annoyed.

In Sainsbury’s with DD 8 months and DS4
Son wants to go down toy isle- we don’t often to to Sainsburys so he was overly excited. As all 4 year olds are while looking for toys!

Go to the isle, he is looking and I noticed the ‘ boy ‘ toys were down the next isle.
By boy toys I mean toys I know he likes toys he has toys he’s into and toys that are quite frankly marketed at boys.
Me - ‘ ooo look DS name the boys toys are over here ‘
Interfering woman down isle to my son - ‘ you know you can play with whatever you want let your mummy know that ‘

FIRSTLY I was annoyed that I’m not ‘ forcing ‘ him to ‘ boys ‘ toys. It’s stuff I know he wants.
SECONDLY why even say anything?

The thing I massively regret is saying anything.
I said pardon?
And she replied ‘ Sorry it was just the way you said boys toys - when he can play with whatever he wants he shouldn’t be told their just for boys ‘

I replied probably not too politely telling her to mind her own business and I’ll parent how I want to and walked away.
And I could then hear her and another customer talking about me saying how rude I was ?
Was I BU?
I feel mortified I just was angry that something I said was interpreted as me forcing my son into something it’s ridiculous

OP posts:
MarieIVanArkleStinks · 06/08/2019 16:11

if everybody is so concerned, go and protest to the bloody supermarkets that are putting toys in categories for goodness sake.

I actually think that's a very good idea. I think something of the nature has already been done; studies have been carried out on it too. Check out the hashtag #Pinkification.

Simkin · 06/08/2019 16:12

The study showed that male monkeys preferred wheeled toys. From that we should extrapolate there is such a thing as boys and girls toys and that description should prescribe how we talk to our children about their choices? Er, no.

Notthetoothfairy · 06/08/2019 16:12

They definitely are but wouldn’t choose (for example) a game featuring a lot of pink, girls, unicorns etc. I would not say anything if they did want to play with such a game, it’s just not something they would want to do. My elder son watched Cinderella at the cinema (I dragged him along) and was cringing down in his seat the whole time.

Notthetoothfairy · 06/08/2019 16:13

That was in reply to @Barbariansmum

HiJenny35 · 06/08/2019 16:14

Yabu, she shouldn't have said it to you because she shouldn't have had to. Obviously your child would pick boys toys because you put this on him by saying things like boys toys and giving him a token baby or pram doesn't change that undercurrent of believing some toys are for some kids.
The study on monkeys is a load of rubbish, it's a study on monkeys. If you watch children when they enter nursery you will see the ones that have been allowed free range of toys at home and the girls and boys that have only been allowed certain toys, you then see as the year go on girls saying that's a boys toy and vice versa, alongside staff still handing babies to girls and trainsets to boys, by year one pupils are far less lightly to play with others toys. This is nurture and stereotypes not nature.

1forAll74 · 06/08/2019 16:14

I think that this is all a bit silly really. My two children,who are now all grown adults,so toy buying was many years ago, was obviously, boys and girls toys, and no problems with this.

But surely,any parent would know what their child is attracted to in the toy shops,and so take that as an indication to their child's preference to what they like, instead of all this adult talk about gender related toys.

It doesn't really matter how the shops separate the toys, I am sure children will find what they like on their own.

Owlypants · 06/08/2019 16:15

Makes no difference what colour something is or who its aimed at, everyone is allowed to choose the thing they prefer. Barbie fans will go for barbie themed products like action man fans will go for action man products. Some girls like being girly pink princesses and some boys like pretending to be action heroes, let them! Don't tell them to stop because they're living up to stereotypes. Let kids enjoy what they want.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 06/08/2019 16:17

She probably should have said anything, but I also find it just as ridiculous and even aggressive when some goes all “Don’t you dare speak to my son/daughter/wife/whatever” it’s so unnecessarily hostile.

Ignore, move on, don’t make a spectacle.

ChardonnaysPrettySister · 06/08/2019 16:18

Should not have said!

PBJtimedance · 06/08/2019 16:20

@InTheHeatofLisbon well you first have to decide what you are classifying as a different species that in and of itself is a whole thorny issue in biology. Monkeys are so close to human that they make excellent models for human behaviour which is why they are used all the time in science experiments, particularly in pharmaceutical. This makes the experiment very relevant. The study does not say that society doesn't have an impact l, it clearly does, it says that there is an innate difference in choice selection which means as much as parents will try and make everything 'gender neutral' there will still be small differences in choices.

heath48 · 06/08/2019 16:22

On your side OP,it was nothing to do with the other customer,you weren’t talking to her! Why people seem to think other people’s business is anything to do with them is astounding.

I would have said slightly more to her than you said!!!

PBJtimedance · 06/08/2019 16:22

@InTheHeatofLisbon and here is a study in human babies.

www.city.ac.uk/news/2016/july/infants-prefer-toys-typed-to-their-gender,-says-study

AryaStarkWolf · 06/08/2019 16:25

if everybody is so concerned, go and protest to the bloody supermarkets that are putting toys in categories for goodness sake

Why is this always the go to answer when people give their opinions on subjects like this? The thread brought it up, why can't we share our opinions on here?

QueenoftheBiscuitTin · 06/08/2019 16:25

'Boys toys' Really? Hmm
She shouldn't have said anything but she had a point.

ysmaem · 06/08/2019 16:25

YANBU for being annoyed at her for saying it directly to your son and not to you bit she does have a point in what she said though

Reallybadidea · 06/08/2019 16:28

It is possible to simultaneously think that there are innate differences in behaviour between boys and girls and believe that gender stereotyping of toys is harmful.

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2019 16:31

I’d have thought it was obvious that referring to boys’ and girls’ toys is damaging and wrong

I'd have thought so too, but there are a couple of posters on here who believe that as this is how they are perceived to be marketed then critical thinking is not permissible and they need to teach their kids that. That somehow it makes it ok.

CassianAndor · 06/08/2019 16:33

OP, you sound like a marketing executive's dream.

Personally, I think the damage done by perpetuating sex-role stereotypes is worse than any damage done by this woman's comments.

VashtaNerada · 06/08/2019 16:33

Can’t believe people are still quoting that sodding monkey experiment 🙄 Read some Cordelia Fine for a more balanced approach looking at ALL the studies, not just one!

saraclara · 06/08/2019 16:34

Gordon Bennett. Did the OP really deserve the pages of lecturing? While I agree that toys shouldn't be gendered, this is not what she posted about.

Yes, any stranger who came up to my child in a supermarket and said something to him that undermined me, would get the sharp end of my tongue, if I could think quick enough. It was none of her business.

When my daughter was young, in her pushchair, and frazzled because it was past her lunch time, I popped a dummy in her mouth until we could get to somewhere where I could give her something. A woman walked up, said ( to her) "you don't need that" and took out her dummy and handed it to me. Then walked off.

I see the OP's situation in the same light. It doesn't matter what you think about what a mother is doing (provided it's not concerning safety, or abusive) you mind your own business. And you certainly don't direct your opinion to the child.

SunshineCake · 06/08/2019 16:35

I think she should keep her nose out. I was so tempted to say something though when a granny told a boy having a lovely time with a toy that he was too old for it.

Bluntness100 · 06/08/2019 16:35

If I want to teach my child that toys are gendered then I will. Either way it’s none of your business

But why would you want to? Genuine question. The vast majority of people on here can see why this is damaging. You cannot or you don't care, the question is what benefit do you perceive in teaching your children this?

IAintWroteNoPoetry · 06/08/2019 16:35

I think if I heard someone say 'boys' toys I'd have felt the same as her. I wouldn't have said anything though.

Idontwanttotalk · 06/08/2019 16:37

"Well men from other cultures wear thawbs, kilts and kaftans without giving it a second thought so I doubt it's anything to do with nature."
So do you think the majority of men would wear dresses if they were made to fit male bodies? I don't think so. I was trying to say that if they did it would probably be only those with a feminine nature who would.

Even though kilts are traditionally worn by men, I don't believe most of the men who wear them these days do so without a second thought. My lovely dramatic gay cousin is very into fashion and wears a kilt occasionally but doesn't do it without a second thought. He's very well aware of the impression he wants to give. None of my other male Scottish family members would dream of wearing one.

Nogoodusername · 06/08/2019 16:37

I don’t use boys toys and girls toys - because I have a boy and a girl who both like Lego, avengers and Star Wars, so I wouldn’t want to spread a message that these toys are only suitable for one of them. I would have just said - oooh look, this aisle has the cars/trains/whatever. I wouldn’t have said anything to you though, I would have rolled my eyes inwardly frustrated because I and my daughter hate the idea that particular toys aren’t for her gender when she loves them too (and why not - I also love Avengers!)