Was I BU telling a woman not to speak to my son?

[Spinoni]

I realise I might be. But in the moment I was so annoyed.

In Sainsbury’s with DD 8 months and DS4
Son wants to go down toy isle- we don’t often to to Sainsburys so he was overly excited. As all 4 year olds are while looking for toys!

Go to the isle, he is looking and I noticed the ‘ boy ‘ toys were down the next isle.
By boy toys I mean toys I know he likes toys he has toys he’s into and toys that are quite frankly marketed at boys.
Me - ‘ ooo look DS name the boys toys are over here ‘
Interfering woman down isle to my son - ‘ you know you can play with whatever you want let your mummy know that ‘

FIRSTLY I was annoyed that I’m not ‘ forcing ‘ him to ‘ boys ‘ toys. It’s stuff I know he wants.
SECONDLY why even say anything?

The thing I massively regret is saying anything.
I said pardon?
And she replied ‘ Sorry it was just the way you said boys toys - when he can play with whatever he wants he shouldn’t be told their just for boys ‘

I replied probably not too politely telling her to mind her own business and I’ll parent how I want to and walked away.
And I could then hear her and another customer talking about me saying how rude I was ?
Was I BU?
I feel mortified I just was angry that something I said was interpreted as me forcing my son into something it’s ridiculous

@SoupDragon That's a good read, thanks

The natural end point of this segregation is teenagers feeling they are the wrong sex because they like things that are not intended for the sex they are. When the whole idea of anything being for one sex in particular is made up.
This.

Because in the real world most people still believe in boys and girls.
Nobody doesn't believe boys and girls exist.
Some of us just don't believe that toy preference and toy options should be based on the genital of the child.

I couldn't find a lovely baby grow I wanted for the bump from M&S online. It was a lovely unisex item in the shop but they didn't have my size. Online I had to search through girl clothes and boy clothes. It turns out that an item of grey animal clothing is a girl item of clothing!?

My cat prefers dog toys, he just doesn't seem to like the ones aimed at cats. Should i ask him if he identifies as a dog? Should I ask him if he's offended and feels pressured to only play with cat toys? A toy is a toy, he doesn't care what aisle of the shop it comes from and i doubt kids care either. Girls and boys can play with what they want but it doesn't mean we have to gender neutralise everything

The woman made the mistake of speaking to the son. She should have spoken directly to the op
No, she should have minded her own business. You don’t get to decide what’s damaging for someone else’s child.

I think if you're doing something that is perceived as damaging
Then as long as it isn’t illegal you still have a right to expect to be left alone. I think religion is damaging but I mind my own business and don’t go around telling people to stop indoctrinating their children. I think living on chips and pizza is damaging too but I don’t go around telling people with trollies full of frozen food that they need to feed their kids some fresh veg.

Yes OP but the toys shouldn't be marketed or advertised by gender at all. That is the issue and what people have an issue with. Toys should be toys. One section. All colours, red blue green yellow purple orange pink neon bloody unicorn colours, whatever. That is it. The reason your son will pick 'boys toys' is partially because of the way they are marketed and subliminally you will have encouraged it. It is hideously damaging to girls and their future prospects, perhaps more so than boys. So please, please do not encourage her down the 'girls toys' aisle.

I think that this pink/blue shit has created the sharp rise in non-binary kids. Otherwise boys who like unicorns or girls who like football are meant to feel like freaks for not liking what marketers have decided.

Exactly, such an odd turn of events

No, I think she shouldn't have spoken to your child. She's a stranger and should have kept her opinion to herself.

This is a link to the study that shows that 'picking boy toys' is actually an intrinsic character and not a societal trait. www.newscientist.com/article/dn13596-male-monkeys-prefer-boys-toys/

There is an innate difference between what female and male children want to play with that has nothing to do with society.

My relatives' DC tend to choose their own toys by being taken out to stores like Smyths. They choose whatever they like so I don't believe that most children have parents' pre-conceived ideas foisted on them.

Agree with the woman, you shouldn't be limiting your child.

There is an innate difference between what female and male children want to play with that has nothing to do with society.

No there isn't, and your survey is about monkeys. Not children.

I'm another one who rails against pinkification and the ridiculous gender distinctions in toys and clothing. But that's aside from the point. Unless it relates to my own parenting of my own DC, it doesn't matter what I think. Complete strangers don't care what I think, no more should they care what I think, and they certainly shouldn't have to listen to my telling their DC what I think in a patronizing, condescending tone in front of them!

'Thank you for that unsolicited parenting advice [patrony] random stranger in supermarket, I'll change my ideological child-rearing practices and alter my attitudes and beliefs henceforth' said absolutely nobody, ever.

And she's surprised she received a rude response?

There are times when rudeness is a desirable virtue, or at the very least is necessary to temper one brand of rudeness with another. This was one of those times.

Fellow-customer is a CF. YADNBU.

I fully agree; however, I think this attitude is far more prevalent now than it was 30 years ago. We seem to have gone backwards.

I remember playing with 'generic' Lego when I was a child... Now there's Lego Friends which seems to be marketed for girls (my nieces didn't play with the 'generic' Lego and now they're older, assumed my DS won't want their secondhand Lego as "it's for girls")!

I also used to love trains, farms, mechano, etc. and my brother loved dolls and dressing up as a princess.

These days it seems as though toy manufacturers market via gender rather than 'type'. I don't remember boys and girls aisles existing 'back in the day'!

Some of us just don't believe that toy preference and toy options should be based on the genital of the child
You’re entitled to hold that belief. You’re NOT entitled to insist that others agree with you. If I want to teach my child that toys are gendered then I will. Either way it’s none of your business.

The amount of boys I have seen say something along the lines of "boys are cooler than girls because girls don't play with X". I really despair of what my daughter is going to think when she hears things like this at school and from her brother, and whether she will internalise it. I think regardless of the fact that your son happens to like toys marketed at boys, calling those things "boys toys" rather than just "X toys" is still reinforcing a really negative message to him.

But no, I wouldn't have said anything in her position. I would have just rolled my eyes and moved on.

@InTheHeatofLisbon if you read the study they quite clearly say that there is.

But the study ties in with a previous experiment with green vervet monkeys showing that males favour masculine toys.

“Together the results are compelling,” says Gerianne Alexander, a psychologist at Texas A&M University in College Station, who led the vervet monkey study.

She thinks that biological differences between sexes start the ball rolling toward learned preferences for play toys.

“There is likely to be a biological tendency that is amplified by society,” she says.

Girls and boys can play with what they want but it doesn't mean we have to gender neutralise everything
Most things are neutral if we stopped doing stupid gender coding that add nothing to the product.

E.g.
If a science set is a gender free toy (and it is), why not have one science set? Why go girls need pink science?
If a kids baking kit is gender free (and it is), why do girls need pink bowls and whisks and boys need blue ones?
And sure there'll be Barbie and Action Man and they can be left be because you're right, we don't need the world to be beige. But why should star wars figures go in the boy section and not the girls (especially considering the female lead in recent films)?
Why do we need nerf guns in gender coded colours?

There's so much that has gone backwards in terms of stupid needless branding and pink/blue washing that it isn't any good for anyone.

My boys would not be remotely interested in anything they see as “girly” or too young for them. I loved pink when I was small. Boys and girls might happen to like some of the same toys but there is no point in pretending they are not usually more drawn to the toys aimed at them, even if that is no longer PC!

There is likely to be a biological tendency that is amplified by society

IN MONKEYS not children.

I had DD and DSD2 11 months apart, huge variations in toys available to them. They both played with whatever took their fancy, not what society said was for them.

Agree with the woman, you shouldn't be limiting your child.

Oddly enough, I agree emphatically with the woman. This pink/blue colour-coding is nothing more than a marketing ploy and it's a bonkers one at that;. The more strongly people pigeonhole other people into neat little categories, the more uncertain they're likely to feel when they don't believe they fit into those other people's neat categories, and the more confusion is likely to result in the face of gender identification, with some of the major political consequences we're seeing at the moment.

The statement that 'the political is personal' is profoundly true, and has serious implications for every one of us.

But that isn't really the point here, is it? Fellow-customer was still rude, interfering, and wrong to behave as she did.

@InTheHeatofLisbon you still clearly haven't read the study! They used Monkeys to take away the impact of society on the study as monkeys are not subject to societal pressure, that was the point! Monkeys can be used as model systems for human interactions as they are basically human (there is practically no difference between us and monkeys).

I agree with her sentiment in that children should be given all sorts of different toys/dressing up stuff that isn’t called ‘boys’ or ‘girls’. They’re just toys. However it is none of her business what with her being a total stranger. She can think it, but it was inappropriate to say what she did. It’s not a discussion group it’s a supermarket.

OP forget everybody thats so mortified over 'boys toys' this world is ridiculous, if everybody is so concerned, go and protest to the bloody supermarkets that are putting toys in categories for goodness sake. But anyway.. that woman has no right to say ANYTHING to your child, if the cow really was so concerned about it she should have kindly come up to you and mentioned something to YOU, not your 4 year old son!! How incredibly rude?! People like her are so fixated on being equal etc etc yet somebody has a different opinion or way of being, the CANNOT accept it. If only everyone just minded their own business.

So what's "girly" @Notthetoothfairy? I take it they're not into computers/computer games then.

PBJtimedance aye because using a different species is entirely relevant and the results must be right!

Find me a study that says babies just starting to crawl (so not pressured by societal issues and stereotypes) always go to the toys set out as "theirs" by society and then I'll think about it. That boys go to "boys" toys, and girls go to "girls" toys, as standard with few deviations.

Monkeys not included, since they're not actually the same species as humans.