to never have people stay in my home?

[CiaraLiara]

I have NC
I come from a European country where the lifestyle is pretty different to the UK, people turn up to other people's houses without asking first and hosting is generally quite casual.
I have lived in London for 30 years and I have hosted friends and family many many times. Where I come from the host will usually look after their guests, even if they have invited themselves.
I never really thought much of this but when my own DC were young, I realised that we never got invited back, ever.
My oldest friend, who lives in my own hometown, stayed with me in London many times. Despite this, she would sometimes not even be available to even meet me for coffee whenever I was visiting my hometown, almost like it was too much effort to break her own routine. There was never any pressure on her to host for us as my DC and I were staying with my own parents.
Yet at one point when my own DC were 8 and 5, my oldest friend and her husband decided to have a break without her DD, left her with her mother and came over to London 'to see me', except they didn't see much of me outside having breakfast (prepared by me), and dinner, also prepared by me after putting my own kids to bed. I felt used as a B&B after they left and I had to change bedding, wash towels, etc, after having done extra shopping and cooking to facilitate their own little break.

Fast forward 7 years, and out of the blue I receive a phonecall from my oldest friend's husband saying he wants to surprise them (my friend and their daughter) with an impromptu holiday to London next week.

I can't think of anything I'd rather do less right now than having to make an effort to host other people. I work term time only and I am making the most of not cleaning, cooking or organising any activities as DC are old enough to do their own thing. I quite simply do not want to do it. It's more effort than I want to make, I haven't got the energy or the will. DH says she's my oldest friend and we should host them but actually why??? They will NEVER reciprocate. DH says I am holding a grudge and that whatever happened was years ago. What say you?

I say go away for the week and let your husband host them, since he is so keen.

You don't feel like hosting, and they have a history of using you as free holiday accommodation, so don't. 'Impromptu' holidays to a city generally involve a hotel, not leeching off a friend whose hospitality you never reciprocate. Just say it doesn't work for you.

Just ask him where they are planning on staying as its not convenient for you to have them there. CF!

I know what you mean. You could say you would like to see them if the come to London if they are staying nearby. Make it clear not at yours. not easy though if they have in the past.

PS my DH is similar- did recent thread in cleaning for his family. Not sure what it is with these people pleasing DH's. Maybe will yours be doing the actual hosting? Possibly not.

I do feel they are CF but he (friend's husband) was saying to me that what friend really wants is 'to see me'.

Actually I don't buy that anymore, as if she wanted to see me that bad she would have been more available the times I have been in our hometown. On one occasion I stayed at my parents with DC for 3 weeks in August. I saw her on just two separate occasions, for about one hour each time (she does not work in August).

They're just after a cheap break, aren't they?

“Ah that’s a shame, we’re away for a couple of weeks I’m afraid. But have a great holiday and we’ll catch up another time xx”

And relax.

“We can’t put you up at ours unfortunately, but there’s lovely x b&b nearby and we’d love to have dinner together.”

My DH would totally put himself out for them if my decision is to host them. He'll do a massive shop, collect them from the airport and drive them back, take them places and be absolutely lovely.

YADNBU. His 'surprise' trip is at your expense, so he gets to look the good guy, whilst you do all the work and bear the expense of facilitating it. After 7 years? With a weeks notice? Tell him you're busy.

Yes, they are just after a cheap break

Crikey, sounds like a sweet deal to me

“We can’t put you up at ours unfortunately, but there’s lovely x b&b nearby and we’d love to have dinner together.”

This. And it will tell you exactly where you stand in her priorities.

Basically your thread just says, "I don't want to be used." That's what's happening, isn't it? And of course you're not unreasonable - who would want that?

@CiaraLiara

YANBU obviously! What a cheek.

There's another thread on here running right now, where a poster is expected to look after her SIL - (her husband's sister,) and her kids, because the SIL has supposedly broken her foot.

Like with this poster, why do YOU have to be the one to do the hosting, and looking after?

Just because you are the woman?

I would go (with your two DC) and stay with your folks for a week while these people are here, and let your DH deal with them, seeing as how HE wants them there!

Has he specifically asked to stay with you, or is it implied? If just implied, respond to the husband and say ‘It would be great to see you while you’re here - where are you staying?’

If he’s specifically asked, I think you should be vague about why, but firm that it isn’t convenient for you to host.

"That's nice, where are you staying? Let's arrange a time and place to meet while you're in London"

“Great, sounds fun! Let me know where your staying and if it’s convenient maybe we can meet for a drink or dinner. Bye!”

Don’t do it - as PP says, suggest a B&B and meet up for dinner.

Wow they are massive CFs! That would be a definite NO! from me, and tell DH to get grip - if it's your oldest friend then it's your choice whether you want to see them or not. I think these people are not really friends, they are users. Don't let DH guilt you into this as you will spend the time feeling really pissed off and used.

Suggest you tell them you have other plans.

Don't you think your guest room is looking in need of decorating, and maybe a few other key areas? I am sure it would be great to meet them for a meal at some point though.

Yes, he has totally said they want to stay here because 'the most important thing for my friend is to see me'. Except I don't buy it because if my friend wanted to see me that bad she would have made more of an effort the times I've been in our hometown.

Part of me wants to point this out, but I won't.

Fuck that shit!

I agree with everyone else. Reply with a breezy “How lovely! It will be great to catch up. Let us know when you’ve booked accommodation and we can arrange a meal out somewhere convenient.”

X-posted.

Then reply

“How lovely! I’d love to see X too. We can’t host you this time but would love to meet up. Let us know when you’ve got accommodation sorted and we can make a plan to meet.”

DO NOT OFFER EXCUSES.

It’s massively cheeky to invite yourself at short notice to stay in someone else’s house.

Do people generally enjoy hosting? It's such bloody hard work. I always did it because I felt it came with the territory, having moved away from my country to a desirable location. I feel I never want to do it again.