to never have people stay in my home?

[CiaraLiara]

I have NC
I come from a European country where the lifestyle is pretty different to the UK, people turn up to other people's houses without asking first and hosting is generally quite casual.
I have lived in London for 30 years and I have hosted friends and family many many times. Where I come from the host will usually look after their guests, even if they have invited themselves.
I never really thought much of this but when my own DC were young, I realised that we never got invited back, ever.
My oldest friend, who lives in my own hometown, stayed with me in London many times. Despite this, she would sometimes not even be available to even meet me for coffee whenever I was visiting my hometown, almost like it was too much effort to break her own routine. There was never any pressure on her to host for us as my DC and I were staying with my own parents.
Yet at one point when my own DC were 8 and 5, my oldest friend and her husband decided to have a break without her DD, left her with her mother and came over to London 'to see me', except they didn't see much of me outside having breakfast (prepared by me), and dinner, also prepared by me after putting my own kids to bed. I felt used as a B&B after they left and I had to change bedding, wash towels, etc, after having done extra shopping and cooking to facilitate their own little break.

Fast forward 7 years, and out of the blue I receive a phonecall from my oldest friend's husband saying he wants to surprise them (my friend and their daughter) with an impromptu holiday to London next week.

I can't think of anything I'd rather do less right now than having to make an effort to host other people. I work term time only and I am making the most of not cleaning, cooking or organising any activities as DC are old enough to do their own thing. I quite simply do not want to do it. It's more effort than I want to make, I haven't got the energy or the will. DH says she's my oldest friend and we should host them but actually why??? They will NEVER reciprocate. DH says I am holding a grudge and that whatever happened was years ago. What say you?

Is your SIL inviting people to stay at her house or yours User?

user87382294757 Tue 06-Aug-19 12:22:51
PS my DH is similar- did recent thread in cleaning for his family. Not sure what it is with these people pleasing DH's. Maybe will yours be doing the actual hosting? Possibly not.

What's with them is that they expect to agree to all this shit then palm it all off their wives

What a couple of piss takers. Just make up some excuse, work, child stuff, other plans. And clearly tell them you can’t.
They may get the hump, but it’s nit in hosting is HORRIBLE and stressful.

YANBU at all. You'll have to use that old MN saying "that doesn't work for me I'm afraid"!

The trouble is with saying, "Would love to meet up! I can recommend a hotel/b&b" is that any CF worth their salt comes rightbackatcha with, "Oh, I thought we were staying wth you...." So you have to have a quick comeback involving a cast-iron excuse.

Don't say you are on holiday! Dm did this to a CF repeat offender and we were all sitting in the garden (very clearly not away on holiday!) when CF actually turns up on the doorstep and bold as brass says, "Barbara and Roy - you naughty people! I knew you'd be here!"

My parents were mortified and I think forever after dm had a panic attack whenever there was an unexpected knock at the door.

That's true Irma some people have no limits to their CFery! My DM once said she had no room to put up a CF relative and family. No worries said the cf, we will sleep in the car outside your house. Well DM wouldn't allow that, shame from neighbours and all that so had them all spread across the living room floor for 5 bloody days between Christmas and New Year!

A now ex-friend used to invite himself to stay quite regularly because I live in London - at least, now I realise that was the key motivation. The last time he tried I had a friend living with me temporarily because she’d split from her boyfriend and she had nowhere to go. He messaged me saying ‘Thinking of coming down bank holiday weekend, let’s go to club night X’ - no ‘Would it be alright if...?’ or similar. Because I felt obliged I asked ‘Where are you planning on staying? You can stay here if you need to, but as you know Sal has got the spare room at the moment, so it will have to be the sofa I’m afraid’. He replied back ‘Great, see you then. Going to need that spare room though - too old to sleep on sofas now, LOL!’

This was the beginning of the end for me. Assuming he could stay was one thing, but assuming I’d bump a friend who had nowhere to live so that he could have a bed was quite another.

You could say, "We have so many people wanting to stay, so now it's just people who keep in touch, I'm afraid."

Got it - reply ‘We’d love you to come and stay! Obviously we’re very busy with the move at the moment, but as soon as we’re settled in Middlesbrough we’d love you to be our first guests!’

still that could turn into the most expensive game of chicken ever .

Please tell me you said no...

StillCoughing oh wow! Glad he’s an ex friend ... that is proper entitled asshole behaviour!

What’s wrong with Middlesborough??

When I moved to lomdon, friends wanted to use my house as a hotel. I stopped allowing this and joked saying id start charging them. I dont think you should have them to stay, they are keen on visiting London, not you.

This would be my worst nightmare!

Op, you’ve been a good friend all this time but the friendship isn’t being reciprocated. They are using you. Your dh needs to be on your side with this!

If the friendship ends because you won’t host then they’ve lost more than you and at least it will show their true colours.

You never know, it might just make them sit up and think! Well, your friends dh at least! Then again CF will always be CF!

Just be careful about saying you are not there though, as they will ask for your house.
Been there so many times.

Yes I definitely wouldn’t say you’re on holiday.

It’s hard but they need to know you’ll no longer be hosting but that if they still plan on visiting London you would love to meet up.

There are plenty of places they can stay but they’ll just have to dig deep into their pockets for a change!

Op, just tell him straight that you aren’t able to host them, but you will catch up some time.
No excuses
My husband is Spanish and used to have different friends visit from Spain. At the time we lived in Central London , so the friends would stay with us for days, sometimes weeks.
I would cook for them, clean, take them out to dinner etc.
However, when we visited Spain these same people made little effort and were always conveniently busy.
I then decided that the cheeky fuckery had to stop and that I would not be hosting any of these people.
I told dh that if he insisted they visit, that I would leave the dcs with him and spend a few weeks at my mum’s home.
Dh quickly realised that I was serious and told his friends that we were unable to accommodate them.

Your friends are taking the piss, just say no.

They can still see you and stay in a hotel, the two aren't mutually exclusive. They're a bunch of users. Yanbu

You live in London-that is the appeal!

Just say no...

Well!
I feel rather comforted by the unanimous IANBU!! Thank you everyone. DH has read this thread and now he's fully converted too .

I am still a wimp though, so rather than ringing my friend's husband I have texted and lied a little bit, I have said that my MIL is here with us next week. He has replied to say oh what a shame, friend would have been so happy to see me, maybe another time.

I feel there won't be 'another time' but even if there is, he will not catch me by surprise and I feel quite empowered that I am in the right by not facilitating this anymore, so thank you everyone!!!

Well done OP. It is not easy to come to the realisation that a friendship that you have valued is more than a bit one sided. Who knows, it may even turn out that if you stop making all of the effort your friend may step up and make some effort instead.

I am still a wimp though, so rather than ringing my friend's husband I have texted and lied a little bit, I have said that my MIL is here with us next week. He has replied to say oh what a shame, friend would have been so happy to see me, maybe another time.

Next time, if there is a next time, don't lie. You really don't need to waste white lies and excuses on someone who views you as convenient free holiday accommodation in an expensive city.

@Benjispruce

I know, I know.

It's the extra, unnecessary "o" that's wrong with Middlesborough.