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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to never have people stay in my home?

131 replies

CiaraLiara · 06/08/2019 12:14

I have NC
I come from a European country where the lifestyle is pretty different to the UK, people turn up to other people's houses without asking first and hosting is generally quite casual.
I have lived in London for 30 years and I have hosted friends and family many many times. Where I come from the host will usually look after their guests, even if they have invited themselves.
I never really thought much of this but when my own DC were young, I realised that we never got invited back, ever.
My oldest friend, who lives in my own hometown, stayed with me in London many times. Despite this, she would sometimes not even be available to even meet me for coffee whenever I was visiting my hometown, almost like it was too much effort to break her own routine. There was never any pressure on her to host for us as my DC and I were staying with my own parents.
Yet at one point when my own DC were 8 and 5, my oldest friend and her husband decided to have a break without her DD, left her with her mother and came over to London 'to see me', except they didn't see much of me outside having breakfast (prepared by me), and dinner, also prepared by me after putting my own kids to bed. I felt used as a B&B after they left and I had to change bedding, wash towels, etc, after having done extra shopping and cooking to facilitate their own little break.

Fast forward 7 years, and out of the blue I receive a phonecall from my oldest friend's husband saying he wants to surprise them (my friend and their daughter) with an impromptu holiday to London next week.

I can't think of anything I'd rather do less right now than having to make an effort to host other people. I work term time only and I am making the most of not cleaning, cooking or organising any activities as DC are old enough to do their own thing. I quite simply do not want to do it. It's more effort than I want to make, I haven't got the energy or the will. DH says she's my oldest friend and we should host them but actually why??? They will NEVER reciprocate. DH says I am holding a grudge and that whatever happened was years ago. What say you?

OP posts:
Drum2018 · 06/08/2019 13:32

My friend's husband was implying that my friend talks about seeing me/missing me all the time, and the attraction of coming to London is seeing me. I simply don't believe a word of it

At least you can see right through his pathetic attempt at buttering you up to get a free trip. Send a message back saying that you would love to meet up some evening they are in London, to let you know where they are staying and that you and Dh will try to arrange to meet them at their hotel. That way you are letting him know your house isn't an option for accommodation, and that you are not going to cook for them either. Do that asap and if he has the cheek to come back and ask to stay with you, just simply text back that it doesn't suit - no further explanation required. Don't start using other people (mil, dd) as excuses.

amusedbush · 06/08/2019 13:32

Please don't let them stay with you. They are CFs and I guarantee they'll do the same as they did before. They are looking for free accommodation in London and you will seethe the entire visit.

PoppyFleur · 06/08/2019 13:34

Do not host them. Your friend has treated you appallingly after all the kindness you have shown her.

Tell the husband that unfortunately you can't host but it would be lovely to see them and to let you know of their plans once they have booked accommodation.

flouncyfanny · 06/08/2019 13:37

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Sexnotgender · 06/08/2019 13:40

YANBU. I bloody hate people staying in my house.
On this occasion I would definitely do as others have said and say you cannot have them but point out nearby accommodation and say you’d love to catch up for dinner and drinks. Bet it never happens when they don’t get their cheap holiday.

Durgasarrow · 06/08/2019 13:43

Yes, you are 100 percent being used. This is not a joke.

madcatladyforever · 06/08/2019 13:44

Just say it's not convenient right now. Hopefully she'll get the message and stop being so selfish in future.

Idontwanttotalk · 06/08/2019 13:45

There is not a chance that I would host them. They are CFs of the highest order. I'd tell the truth. Just say that you are using the summer holidays to chill out and recharge your batteries and let things drift in your house. Say you'll be pleased to meet up one evening (or one day) to catch up but you're no longer hosting people these days. Life's too busy.

If they don't like it that's their problem.

Your DH needs to support you in whatever decision you make. Show him this thread.

ineedanotherholiday · 06/08/2019 13:46

As others have said you need to say you won't be able to accommodate them on this occasion but look foreword to meeting up for dinner/ drinks whatever- then see what he comes back with!

AcrossthePond55 · 06/08/2019 13:48

If you refuse, she'll resent you and the friendship will end.
If you agree, you will resent them and the friendship will probably end at some point.

In the second scenario, you'll also have had to put yourself out as hostess, cook, and cleaner. I'd choose the first scenario.

Durgasarrow · 06/08/2019 13:50

"Hello, old friend's husband,
So delighted to hear you're coming! We're honestly not up for houseguests right now, I'm sure you understand. But let me know some times you two have free so we can go out to eat or do something else fun while you are here!

ILearnedItFromABook · 06/08/2019 13:51

There's is no way I would do that, nor would I feel obliged to continue to host people who don't seem to truly appreciate it or you. Just because something is part of our culture, that doesn't mean we must comply with it for our whole lives. Some cultural practices are impractical even unfair or unethical and even if they're just not for you, that's reason enough to put a stop to it.

Besides, this "friend", specifically, doesn't sound like she is a friend. Her actions and lack of action have spoken loudly over the years. If this is enough to kill what remains of the friendship (which sounds like it's limping along as it is), I'd say it's time to let it die.

Derbee · 06/08/2019 13:53

I’d just say “it would be lovely to see you. I’m afraid we can’t offer you a place to stay this time, but let us know your plans whilst you’re here and we’ll make ourselves as available as we can!”

You don’t have to call them out on their cheeky behaviour, but you also don’t have to allow it and let them stay. Path of least resistance is what I prefer to do - pretend there isn’t an issue, but stick to your guns

AntonsMumsTeeth · 06/08/2019 13:53

What everyone else says! Do not host them!

I only like hosting if it's reciprocated. It's all one sided in this case and I don't blame you for not wanting them to stay.

Make it clear you'd love to see your friend too but that they'll have to find their own accommodation. You're not a bloody hotel.

Your DH sounds like he doesn't get it? That's odd. I'd have thought he'd be right behind you in this one given what you've told us.

candycane222 · 06/08/2019 13:55

Don't give him chinks to argue into! I'd be messaging something clearer, sharpish, eg: "We've had a quick chat (or if dh really not on board, 'I've had a think') and actually, having houseguests really doesn't work for us any more, so you won't be able to stay here, sorry. We'd love to meet up of course...."

No explanation = no discussion / bargaining

Drum2018 · 06/08/2019 13:56

Don't say you can't host them this time as that gives him an excuse to change the dates thus leaving you back at square one. Just say it doesn't suit, full stop!

IwantedtobeEmmaPeel · 06/08/2019 14:07

You are right in all your conclusions Op. Your "friend" is not a true friend, she may be your oldest friend but it sounds like the only reason you have stayed "friends" is because you live in a desirable holiday location.

Please stand your ground and tell them that you are unable to host them, but to let you know which hotel they are staying in so you can all meet up for a meal out (not at your house).

I think you deserve to enjoy your holiday relaxing and resting before you have to go back to work, why should someone else's wishes and demands trump your right to quiet family time in your own home.

Linseedlill · 06/08/2019 14:14

Don't do it op! I'm an expat and I started out hosting enthusiastically (and to be fair some guests are great - others though just take the Michael!) but now I'm older I just don't have the will, energy or enthusiasm for either type. Also, my DH works long hours and has very few holidays and I got thoroughly fed up of spending those rare times shopping, cooking and cleaning for others. Those who don't host , never appear to appreciate the effort that goes in to it either. The worst culprits are those that say "oh don't go to any trouble for us" and then proceed to make a lot of demands and ask you to pick them up from the airport at 5 am, inform you that they can't eat gluten and must have a room with a bed that faces north, oh and can my best friend's sister's cousin tag along for the trip too?

Also, I think you would be justified in alluding (subtlety) to the fact that you doubt your friend is as enthusiastic about seeing you as her DH claims, by saying something along the lines of "delighted to hear from X on another occasion but a week's notice is not convenient I'm afraid as we are busy this summer and we no longer host as often as we did. We can recommend b&bs however and how about we meet for dinner one night?"

XXcstatic · 06/08/2019 14:15

I love hosting, but even I would say no to this one. You will just feel even more used and resent her.

Benjispruce · 06/08/2019 14:15

Just say you're away that week. I know how you feel. Some people are givers and others are takers.

Benjispruce · 06/08/2019 14:20

I have family that regularly 'visit' friends who just happen to live on tourist destinations -London, Edinburgh and anywhere by the sea. They never ask them to their place. I just wonder if they'd be such good friends if they lived somewhere less desirable.

Oldraver · 06/08/2019 14:31

I would do Squirrels message maybe with an added...It would be lovely to catch up, as we didnt get to spend much time together the last few times we have been home

user87382294757 · 06/08/2019 14:51

You say this is an old friend but with a close friend you should be able to tell them you don't feel up to hosting / need headspace or whatever but will meet up with them without worrying about offending them. They would be able to understand. I don't think it sounds that close a friendship if you need to worry about that so much.

user87382294757 · 06/08/2019 14:52

Hm makes me think about he tourist thing, we too are in a place people like to visit and my SIL keeps inviting her family- I told them to stay in a airbnb next time.

Roussette · 06/08/2019 15:04

Please don't answer with the oh-so-british apologies that some have said on here..

sorry but we can't host
I'm afraid but we can't put you up
Unfortunately we cannot have you to stay

Just say... love to see you but we are not having guests to stay so let us know where your hotel will be and we'll meet up!