to never have people stay in my home?

[CiaraLiara]

I have NC
I come from a European country where the lifestyle is pretty different to the UK, people turn up to other people's houses without asking first and hosting is generally quite casual.
I have lived in London for 30 years and I have hosted friends and family many many times. Where I come from the host will usually look after their guests, even if they have invited themselves.
I never really thought much of this but when my own DC were young, I realised that we never got invited back, ever.
My oldest friend, who lives in my own hometown, stayed with me in London many times. Despite this, she would sometimes not even be available to even meet me for coffee whenever I was visiting my hometown, almost like it was too much effort to break her own routine. There was never any pressure on her to host for us as my DC and I were staying with my own parents.
Yet at one point when my own DC were 8 and 5, my oldest friend and her husband decided to have a break without her DD, left her with her mother and came over to London 'to see me', except they didn't see much of me outside having breakfast (prepared by me), and dinner, also prepared by me after putting my own kids to bed. I felt used as a B&B after they left and I had to change bedding, wash towels, etc, after having done extra shopping and cooking to facilitate their own little break.

Fast forward 7 years, and out of the blue I receive a phonecall from my oldest friend's husband saying he wants to surprise them (my friend and their daughter) with an impromptu holiday to London next week.

I can't think of anything I'd rather do less right now than having to make an effort to host other people. I work term time only and I am making the most of not cleaning, cooking or organising any activities as DC are old enough to do their own thing. I quite simply do not want to do it. It's more effort than I want to make, I haven't got the energy or the will. DH says she's my oldest friend and we should host them but actually why??? They will NEVER reciprocate. DH says I am holding a grudge and that whatever happened was years ago. What say you?

If she wanted to see you she would have made more of an effort when you went to your hometown . I would point this out to them.

Say you are busy or have other guests if you can't be straight.

I would say it would be lovely to see you while you're over here but I wouldn't suggest a B and B or a hotel. That would give them the excuse that said hotel was awful and they will try to decamp to yours after one night. Just make a vague offer of a meet up and see where it goes.

That’s great your husband wants to host them. Of course he will also need to cook and serve all meals and do the cleaning and laundry because you won’t be there.

I'd simply say it isnt convenient.

I understand your culture though, mine is much the same.

How can your friend "really want to see you" if the holiday is an impromptu surprise? Not much of a surprise if she already knows about it!

I think your friend and her DH are being CFs and looking for free accommodation for their trip and are just saying what they think you want to hear "just want to see you" to get you to say yes. Personally I'd decline and say sorry, really busy next week, not able to have house guests.

"So sorry but we won't be able to host this time. Can't wait to see you though! Let's organise dinner/drinks/a show/big suprise so we can spoil oldest friend and spend lots of time together. Looking forward to seeing you all, let me know when it's confirmed".

Is she really someone you class as a friend now? She's used you several times and can't be bothered even meeting for coffee when you go home, never mind cook for you after all you've done for her.

You know they are using you so as others have suggested I would say "sorry, we can't put you up but would love to meet up, let me know where you are staying",

After a year where three different lots of overseas visitors took the piss in different ways I no longer have people to stay for more than one night.

Your DH is a chump.
Just say no.
No reasons, just no, it doesn't work for you.

Hosting is a pain when it’s one-sided. I don’t mind with close family and friends as we all muck in. We sort food, cook and clean up together so the only things I do on my own are a tidy before they arrive and bed prep/sheet washing.

They never make me feel like I’m just a convenience, but that they actually want to come and spend time with me and my DC.

I absolutely would not enjoy hosting in your position. They’re quite clearly using you. I bet they even agreed that the DH would contact you to arrange it as it’s be harder for you to say no to what seems like a ‘treat’ for your friend (one where you do all the work!).

I wouldn’t do it, and I would just say it’s not convenient for you so you’re sorry but it’s not going to work out this time.

Don’t say you’re away for the two weeks because the CFs will probably invite themselves to stay at your place anyway!

My friend's husband was implying that my friend talks about seeing me/missing me all the time, and the attraction of coming to London is seeing me. I simply don't believe a word of it.

Reply with "That sounds lovely, I'll check which days we are free to catch up. Here's a list of hotels my friend recommended."

The friendship ran its course years ago & she's now really just someone you used to know way back when & be great pals with.
Just tell him you hope they have a great time on their holiday but your DC being the age they are now - and isn't it amazing how the years fly by & life changes so much - have friends staying over all through the holidays & you haven't room to put anyone up.
They really have a nerve.

Oh I am so pleased you are coming to London...Let me know a day you have free and we will meet you for lunch....nothing more needs to be said.

I always did it because I felt it came with the territory, having moved away from my country to a desirable location

It absolutely doesn't. You didn't move to a desirable location as a favour to all your friends and relatives. You have no obligations to host anybody except people you actually want to host. Rest of them can stay in a hotel.

"Part of me wants to point this out, but I won't".

Why not, OP? until you do, your so called friend will continue to use you. You have a chance to get to the truth here. If you just allow your 'friend' to stay, you will seethe with resentment the entire time and hate every minute. Why not ask her why she spends so little time with you and never reciprocates? see what she says.

What Sally said. Maybe add:the summer is pretty booked up already but we can try and move things around to meet you one day.

Just point out that you havent heard/seen your friend to the husband and that its not convenient for you to host. You dont have to explain yourself... so dont.

Just say no.

Just put your foot down. You hardly know these people any more.

Please tell us what you reply.

If she really missed you, you would not have got a phone call ‘out of the blue’. Just say it’s too short notice and you have become so English that you want a bit more notice.

What did you say when he said he wanted to stay? You must have said something? Your reaction to his suggestion will determine how we are going to help you out of this and you definitely should NOT put these users up!!

I suggest "Really looking forward to catching up, maybe we could dinner out one night? Staying here won't be possible but London is full of great places to stay, let me know what night suits you guys and we'll try arrange a nice place to eat close to your hotel"

@pepperpot99 I feel it will be the absolute end of the 'friendship' if I say something like that, but I agree I will resent her massively if I just let them stay. My decision is that they're not staying with me as a family, specially after giving me just a weeks notice. If my friend wants to see me so bad she can talk to me about arranging something convenient for both of us.

Op, don’t do it. Say it’s not convenient for them to stay. Your DP is dictating generosity to you also. The friends husband is cheeky, he wants to surprise his wife but you do all the work? Don’t fall for it. Stand your ground. Let us know how you get on. X💐