to never have people stay in my home?

[CiaraLiara]

I have NC
I come from a European country where the lifestyle is pretty different to the UK, people turn up to other people's houses without asking first and hosting is generally quite casual.
I have lived in London for 30 years and I have hosted friends and family many many times. Where I come from the host will usually look after their guests, even if they have invited themselves.
I never really thought much of this but when my own DC were young, I realised that we never got invited back, ever.
My oldest friend, who lives in my own hometown, stayed with me in London many times. Despite this, she would sometimes not even be available to even meet me for coffee whenever I was visiting my hometown, almost like it was too much effort to break her own routine. There was never any pressure on her to host for us as my DC and I were staying with my own parents.
Yet at one point when my own DC were 8 and 5, my oldest friend and her husband decided to have a break without her DD, left her with her mother and came over to London 'to see me', except they didn't see much of me outside having breakfast (prepared by me), and dinner, also prepared by me after putting my own kids to bed. I felt used as a B&B after they left and I had to change bedding, wash towels, etc, after having done extra shopping and cooking to facilitate their own little break.

Fast forward 7 years, and out of the blue I receive a phonecall from my oldest friend's husband saying he wants to surprise them (my friend and their daughter) with an impromptu holiday to London next week.

I can't think of anything I'd rather do less right now than having to make an effort to host other people. I work term time only and I am making the most of not cleaning, cooking or organising any activities as DC are old enough to do their own thing. I quite simply do not want to do it. It's more effort than I want to make, I haven't got the energy or the will. DH says she's my oldest friend and we should host them but actually why??? They will NEVER reciprocate. DH says I am holding a grudge and that whatever happened was years ago. What say you?

@CalmdownJanet I left it a bit vague saying I needed to check dates with DH in case his mum was staying with us, and with DS who is 15 and might have plans for friends to stay.

Do not do it . CF ery at its best .

Ok vague is good so text him now and just say "I checked those dates and we can definitely jig things to meet for a night out, but staying here isn't possible. There are so many places in London though you'll pick somewhere up easily. Let me know what night suits you, really looking forward to a catch up"

Call their bluff! If they’re using you they won’t come and meet up for dinner whilst staying somewhere else.

‘Hey I’m sorry but we can’t host on this occasion, we would love you see you though so let me know where and when you want to meet for dinner’.

or try...so good to hear from you ...so glad you are visiting London...so much has changed in my life since I spoke to you all...can you believe how fast the years have flown since we last got together? we would love to meet you in london for dinner one night ..please let us know where and when you are free in your schedual.

Think Janet’s approach is best!

Crikey, you have been more than welcoming in the past, they're being CF. By the way can I come stay with you for a few days?

Would I fuck host them.
Stick to your guns OP.

Tell your husband that only two people really know the state of the true level of friendship between you and her. Not him, and not her DH either.

So since you are the one who knows most out of the three people discussing this possible ‘surprise’ trip, everyone else can just pull their noses out immediately. You don’t owe anyone any explanations.

If you feel like it, hint darkly to your side of the family that she confided something shocking and terrible to you last time you met, and you feel unable to enable her or her husband any more. You’ve tried, bless you, but there are some things to horrible to be a party to. Refuse to give details, just do ‘the face’ whenever they are mentioned. Make it seem you are protecting your family’s honor. Say you swore you wouldn’t divulge.

Your DH will likely go with whatever ‘sorry, can’t host’ excuse you come up with.

I would not host them either. Definitely just after a cheap break.

Agree not to do it. It's not holding a grudge for things that have happened years ago it's a reaction to how your friendship has changed. If she was free all august when you went home and only saw you twice for an hour then she doesnt want to see you that much and is no longer a great friend. You know that seeing her will just make you more resentful.

I'd reply and say life is so hectic at the moment you're not really up for having visitors at this time, but youd love to catch up with them and are planning to go home again next year so hopefully you can spend some time together then. And if they do come on holiday to the UK to let them know where they're staying and you'll try and meet them for dinner

Dont tell them that specific date isn't available as they will just change it to another or come up with some way round it. Just give a general no

He’s said the friends wants to see you? Perfect, you’ll meet them for lunch/dinner/coffee and you can do that on X days. You hope they enjoy their holiday etc.

No i don't enjoy having people staying more than one night, it is hard work.

They are taking you for a mug, just say 'sorry you can't stay here, but we can meet up x y z place for a catch up. Soo looking forward to seeing you.'

Or 'that would be lovely we must arrange to meet while you are here'.

You are too nice for your own good op, since you find it hard to say no... Can I come too? 😁

Wow, if saying no to hosting but suggesting you meet up to spend some time together ends the friendship this is not a friendship you want in your life.

Definitely do not host them.

That’s the problem with living in a desirable location. Cheeky buggers wanting a cheap holiday. I experienced it when I lived by the sea in Pembrokeshire. Funnily enough, when I moved from there to a big grey industrial town, these people were less desperate to see me!

It's a pity you said that you were checking dates as it implies that you could host them. But damage limitation: say that you would love to see them and what hotel are they planning to stay at and you'll look for a nice restaurant nearby. Don't discuss hosting, if they say "we thought we could stay with you" just just the MN trick of "sorry that doesn't work for us but would love to meet for dinner one night".

A friend of mine moved to a beach town in Spain. You can't imagine how many 'friends' she suddenly has, all desperate to see her.

I think that you would be doing all the work, the laundry, the cleaning, the food shoppig, the cooking, the chit chat and entertaining and finding things for them to do and not your DH, that it's a bit rich of him to criticise you. I also don't think its a grudge if its well founded in them expecting a lot from you, but not reciprocating, its just that you've realised that they are taking advantage of you. That's not a grudge, that is common sense.
You have a 15 year old so you've probably had some plans for that week already, or even if you were just looking forward to relaxing with them outside the pressure of school and homework and just pottering. Why should you give up that precious time for these people who can't even give you more than a weeks notice, but assume you will just jump when they call?
I think offering to meet up with them is enough if they really want to see you. Stick to your guns and good luck!

If you decide to host, you will be exhausted with pandering to them like a fully staffed hotel and it will cost you money too. I agree you will resent them more and this will further damage your friendship.

The way to honour the friendship is to arrange to meet up a couple of times whilst they stay in a hotel.

I'm with you! Tell them you already have guests coming but you are happy to meet up with them at a cafe...

Just say you have plans but would love to meet up for dinner at their hotel. We live in a tourist area and to stop CFs pretending to be friends, I removed all but one of the beds when the DC left home. So now we live in a large one bed room house with the "B & B sign" removed. My "real" friends still visit, but they stay in local hotels and we meet for days out.

Please don’t host them! Send them links to some nice hotels in the area!