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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to not want to be friends with someone?

144 replies

Merryoldgoat · 06/08/2019 12:02

I am usually extremely forthright and don't generally get myself into pickles like this, but I can foresee issues ahead.

There is a woman who is the mother of one of my son's friends. I don't really know her very well but always say hello and brief chat etc, if we're in the playground near each other (I chat like that with everyone). I suspected that we didn't have much in common but obviously that doesn't stop you from being polite.

Her DC came to my house for a playdate and she came too, I fed them both (happily) and we chatted whilst the kids played.

I don't like her. At all. I can't really divulge any detail as it's very outing but we approach everything differently and I found the few hours I was in her company very difficult.

Her DC, however, is absolutely lovely and I'm more than happy for them to be friends with my DC and would happily encourage/facilitate that. But I don't want to be her friend.

She is clearly keen to be my friend judging by messages she sends and she is obviously a vulnerable and lonely person.

How can I keep my distance without being rude? Am I okay to just be 'I'll grab DCs after school and walk them back after dinner' when arranging play dates and not give her an opportunity to come too?

I really don't want to affect my son's friendship but I can't be her friend.

OP posts:

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 06/08/2019 12:04

How old are the DCs?

DirtyDennis · 06/08/2019 12:06

Is it particular opinions on topics you're uncomfortable with (e.g. she's 'leave', you're 'remain')?

Or is it more of a general approach to life (e.g. she enjoys gossiping about people, you don't)?

Gizlotsmum · 06/08/2019 12:06

I suspect I am the other side of a similar story. I would hate to think that my son wasn't invites because of me and would accept the offer you suggested above (I suspect he has been excluded from a gathering this weekend because of me, it's a horrible feeling)

IAskTooManyQuestions · 06/08/2019 12:10

Her DC came to my house for a playdate and she came too

How old are the children? Thats odd, to tag a long on a play date, really odd.

I think your solution of 'I'll pick up Jimmy after school and bring him home at X o'clock" is what people normally do.

Gizlotsmum · 06/08/2019 12:13

I tended to accompany my son if it was the first time at that house, I didn't know the parent that well or how my son would react. I am also happy for parents to stay if their child has not been to ours before. My son is 7

jesuschristwtf · 06/08/2019 12:17

What’s wrong with her? Was she rude to you or something?

RachelEllenR · 06/08/2019 12:19

Seeing as they are school age then your suggested approach is fine!

Dontsweatthelittlestuff · 06/08/2019 12:23

School age children don’t need their parent at a play date so in further tell her you will pick him up with your child from school and what time you expect her to collect from your house. When she collects a pleasant five minute chat whilst shoes are put on and coats gathered then out the door.

Original poster

Merryoldgoat · 06/08/2019 12:24

To answer in order:

DC are 6

It's more outlook generally - it's generally hard to explain without possibly outing myself (and therefore her) but it's not stuff where you can agree to disagree - I have several friends with different political persuasions - we just talk about other staff and take the piss out of each other (me for being a daft lefty and other for other stuff etc). It's a kind of helplessness that I find unbearable, she doesn't want to take any responsibility for things in her life and I'm the complete opposite of that. The thing is she's obviously had a very hard upbringing, but then again so have I. Urgh. I don't know.

I would NEVER exclude the child, and if she didn't want the child to come without her then I would put up with it. My discomfort doesn't trump a child (and a very nice one at that) being treated fairly or kindly.

@gizlotsmum - I am the same in terms of accompanying my son and have no issues generally if parents want to stay. In my son's friendship group it seems that it happens both ways quite frequently and he's had both kinds.

OP posts:

AnastasiaVonBeaverhausen · 06/08/2019 12:32

Thank you for answering.
I do feel that at 6 kids are old enough to go back to a friend's house without parents being there although I like to meet the parents first. That's been done now so you should be able to minimise contact. You're quite entitled to not want to be friends with someone so hopefully you can politely swerve her as much as possible.

Original poster

Merryoldgoat · 06/08/2019 12:39

@jesuschristwtf no, not at all rude - I can deal with rudeness with no issue. It's more life-outlook.

It makes conversations hardwork. It would be like talking about discipline and someone saying 'I'd give them a smack' when that's absolutely not your approach; or 'I think having to work as mother is awful' when I work etc. stuff like that.

OP posts:

Oblomov19 · 06/08/2019 12:40

She only needs to come once. Parents shouldn't come too on a second play date.

Original poster

Merryoldgoat · 06/08/2019 12:41

Ok, looks like I can reasonably have the DC without her and this is what I'll try to foster.

Thank you all for your kind responses.

OP posts:

Oblomov19 · 06/08/2019 12:43

So you're interaction will be minimal.
when September starts and they are back st school, you text:
" Can Freddie come for a play date on Tuesday after school? yes? good. ok: I'll pick them up after school and after I've given him tea I'll drop him home at 6:30" end of! You barely need to speak to the woman! walk him up to the house, deposit him and leave!!

AuditAngel · 06/08/2019 12:44

I know exactly what you mean. There is one mum in our group that I just don’t like. I find her whiny and as soon as she posts on the group message it gets my back up. Offer to accommodate the child as suggested

Original poster

Merryoldgoat · 06/08/2019 12:45

@Oblomov19 - it's more that she is obviously keen to be friends. I've had several messages which are definitely an opening to a more friendship-type interaction so I don't want to be rude, but also don't want to entangle myself with someone I don't like.

OP posts:

Coffeeandcherrypie · 06/08/2019 12:48

Having the child round for play dates less often is not excluding the child. Having a glass party and not inviting the child would be excluding him.

I agree that you should have the child for play dates but without the mother, but you need to be prepared that she will want to come along. If you say you’ll pick the kids up after school is she the type to insist that she’ll come too and you’ll all go to your home together?

Original poster

Merryoldgoat · 06/08/2019 12:53

@Coffeeandcherrypie

She may well be the type to insist she comes, in which case I'll put up with it. There are only limited opportunities for play dates anyway.

I've just got a feeling that this is going to snowball somehow. Maybe I'm just being overly dramatic! It wouldn't be the first time!

OP posts:

Lilyannarose · 06/08/2019 12:54

Would you feel comfortable just openly disagreeing with her views?
Surely if she knows that you don't share her outlook (although it's difficult without knowing what the issues are) then she won't want to pursue the friendship?
Why would she want to be friends with someone who feels the opposite to she does?
There is no reason why your children can't remain friends.
My children have friends that I have nothing in common with their parents, but doesn't stop us being friendly when arranging meet ups for them.

RuffleCrow · 06/08/2019 13:17

I think you're being a bit unkind tbh op.

You've told us this woman is vulnerable and could probably use some support.

You don't want to be her friend - fair enough. Don't be.

But i feel it's a sign of the times that when faced with someone needy and vulnerable we've become a society that can't think of another option than checking out of that relationship altogether. Isn't there a middle ground?

If you haven't seen Russian Doll on Netflix I highly recommend it as it addresses exactly this aspect of the Zeitgeist.

Elliebellbell · 06/08/2019 13:34

I completely disagree with RuffleCrow, the op isn't being "unkind" at all.

It's far kinder to be honest as opposed to allowing someone to think you're going to be mates when it's never going to happen. The op isn't letting it impact on her dc friendship which is also very kind.

Why are we railroading people into being "friends" with people they have nothing in common with. And it's not the op's responsibility if this woman has a victim type mentality she can't get on with.

If someone wants to adopt every waif and stray, that's their lookout but it's not compulsory for the rest of us.

RuffleCrow · 06/08/2019 13:43

You're misrepresenting what i've said @elliebellbell. I quite clearly stated she doesn't have to be friends with her.

Nobody is saying it's 'compulsory to adopt every waif and stray' either.

What i'm trying to get at is whether as a society we can imagine any middle ground between being friends and cutting someone off completely in an emotional sense. Your response suggest not.

Elliebellbell · 06/08/2019 13:48

Well if you feel "misrepresented" why are you calling the op unkind? And how exactly can she find a middle ground with someone who will undoubtedly demand more from her?

TheCatThatDanced · 06/08/2019 13:53

Can't you just engage to a civil extent to enable her to feel ok when/if she visits your house for playdates and not engage further?

Make excuses for not being closer friends, but don't say/do it outright.

RuffleCrow · 06/08/2019 13:54

The fact i feel she's being (a bit) unkind doesn't really have any relevance to your complete misrepresentation of what i actually wrote.

That's really up to the OP and what kind of boundaries she chooses ultimately. Nobody has to be kind to anyone, but the fact is we're in the midst of a loneliness epidemic and even the smallest gesture can transform someone else's day whilst costing us relatively little. It also has proven psychological benefits for the person 'giving' so win/win. As long as you don't end up giving more than you can reasonably spare.

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