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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to not want to be friends with someone?

144 replies

Merryoldgoat · 06/08/2019 12:02

I am usually extremely forthright and don't generally get myself into pickles like this, but I can foresee issues ahead.

There is a woman who is the mother of one of my son's friends. I don't really know her very well but always say hello and brief chat etc, if we're in the playground near each other (I chat like that with everyone). I suspected that we didn't have much in common but obviously that doesn't stop you from being polite.

Her DC came to my house for a playdate and she came too, I fed them both (happily) and we chatted whilst the kids played.

I don't like her. At all. I can't really divulge any detail as it's very outing but we approach everything differently and I found the few hours I was in her company very difficult.

Her DC, however, is absolutely lovely and I'm more than happy for them to be friends with my DC and would happily encourage/facilitate that. But I don't want to be her friend.

She is clearly keen to be my friend judging by messages she sends and she is obviously a vulnerable and lonely person.

How can I keep my distance without being rude? Am I okay to just be 'I'll grab DCs after school and walk them back after dinner' when arranging play dates and not give her an opportunity to come too?

I really don't want to affect my son's friendship but I can't be her friend.

OP posts:
Coffeeandcherrypie · 07/08/2019 14:26

Btw you seem to have missed the female solidarity/ sisterhood angle whereby women stand by one another on principle & help each other out instead of going 'she looks lonely and vulnerable better cut her out quickly'. If that was the core message of feminism the movement would never have created DV refuges in the first place.

Sisterhood doesn’t mean being a doormat for other women. Lots of CFs will use the female solidarity angle to cadge free childcare from a female friend or relative.

And I didn’t say that I cut out my neighbour because looks lonely and vulnerable. I still say hello but I don’t have time to listen to her talk at me. She is not interested in me at all she just wants to talk at me. Maybe if her son visited her then she would have someone to talk to.

RuffleCrow · 07/08/2019 14:32

Not sure what 'going all radfem' means. Hmm I just am that way always @coffee

It's ironic that you're yourself now pushing an extra burden onto another woman (me) - that of magically making your own husband do more in order that you can do more, in order to argue that woman shouldn't burden each other @coffee

Your circumstances are your own. Personally I'm glad the feminists of the 70s didn't sit around waiting for men to give a shit before setting up Women's Aid and improving the lives of other women who were 'needy and vulnerable' . (It's not like they didn't have kids and elderly parents back then.) We'd probably still be waiting now if they had. Anyone can sit on the sidelines and do nothing when they see someonr suffering. Saying a simple "Hi, how are you?" for Takes hardly any time or effort or commitment or declaration of undying friendship but it means a great deal.

bluegirlgreen · 07/08/2019 14:34

@Merryoldgoat

YANBU. You don't have to be friends with ANYone. (If you don't want to be.)

Some years back, DH had a couple of mates at work, and he'd invite them around, and they'd bring their wives. For some reason, he thought I needed to be friends with their wives.

I had nothing in common with them, it was always awkward, and I was bored. In addition, I had my own friends (several work colleagues, old schoolmates, and a couple of old mates from childhood.) So after a year or so of tolerating this, I told him I no longer wanted to be force-fed his mates wives! I don't think THEY were too chuffed about it either!

If you don't have anything in common with this woman, then don't be her friend. It's not the law that you have to be friends, just because your kids are friends.

RuffleCrow · 07/08/2019 14:36

And you're bringing all that 'being a doormat' stuff to the table yourself, that's not something i'm advocating. If someone does take the piss when you try to be kind, adjust your personal boundaries accordingly. And I was actually referring to the OP cutting the other woman out, not you. What a depressing thread.

WeatherSchmeather · 07/08/2019 14:39

What @Coffeeandcherrypie said.

The sisterhood and solidarity thing is an odd argument to make, particularly in my case because the woman in question is anti-sisterhood and solidarity. I’ve cut her OFF on principle, because I can’t stomach her constant attacks on how other women choose to live.

I think it’s much more empowering for women to squash the relentless people-pleasing mentality we are (generally) expected to have and instead be discerning about who and what we spend our time and energy on. We’re all trying to juggle way too many balls.

Roussette · 07/08/2019 14:46

I don't think the OP is cutting the other woman out. She has said she'll be pleasant and even suffer in silence if the woman needs to be there on a playdate. The OP sounds nice, but realistic and sensible to think this could escalate.

You have the DS's son round to play, mother comes too, and it's oh god oh god, this person is really really not my cup of tea, and I can't listen to this twaddle any longer. It's like being on a blind date and realising in the first 5 minutes this is not going to work.

What is important are the kids. You can't make friends with every Mother that your kids are friends with. Some of my DC's friends' mums were horrendous and I'd avoid like the plague! Some were lovely and even though our DCs are adults, we're still friends now.

HeyMonkey · 07/08/2019 14:52

Some of my DC's friends' mums were horrendous and I'd avoid like the plague!

Haven't you just contradicted your whole argument then?

RuffleCrow · 07/08/2019 14:54

I really don't think people-pleasing is the dominant theme of 2019 OP. Quite the opposite globally. That's not holding women responsible for a largely man-made shit show, but nonetheless that's part of the context in which we're having this conversation.

I agree women are often the ones who are already overburdened but how much of that is the move away from community-living where women used to share the cooking, cleaning, childcare between themselves as well as often holding down paid work, rather than everyone trying do everything alone within the confines of the nuclear family? Obviously we don't want to return to that, but i do think that spirit could make a difference to many of our lives.

I did not see that she holds those particular views you don't agree with and I can understand that doesn't exactly make you want to befriend her. I've not said anywhere that you should.

Roussette · 07/08/2019 14:55

Why? I've said some were horrendous and some were lovely.

Don't get your point.

WeatherSchmeather · 07/08/2019 15:00

@RuffleCrow I think you’ve confused me with the OP.

thecatinthetwat · 07/08/2019 15:12

You make friends with people naturally by finding mutual interests. It’s a two-way thing.

Sometimes one person wants to be friends while the other doesn’t. In all honesty I think this is a bad sign. Why haven’t they picked up on the lack of agreement and reciprocity? Usually because they’re not interested in you, only in themselves. So they either don’t notice or don’t care.

Being kind none-the-less , is lovely but you are not required to be friends.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 07/08/2019 15:36

Er... gosh... that took a turn! I didn't think there would be anything to add!

@Battytwatty - things about her relationships, parents, children - all very specific but gave me an insight into her views and behaviours on things which are just completely at odds with mine. For example, it would be like talking about her partner who it transpires is married (not the case but this type of thing).

I'm not going to reply individually but I'll just say this:

I think it was very clear in my opening post and subsequent ones that I have no intention of being unpleasant/cutting her off. I pass the time of day with her and will continue to do so as I am (generally) a decent human being. I had zero issue with her accompanying her DC for the first play date and, if she's more comfortable attending in future I will accommodate that for the children as they get along very well and play very nicely. He DC is a truly lovely child and I'm glad my DC has them for a friend.

However, I am NOT a charity. She is vulnerable and if I can help her with something specific then I would be happy to (lift to the shops/minding the DC whilst she has an appointment etc) but I don't think it's an obligation to enter into a friendship with someone who I fundamentally don't like. I'm sure there are people don't like me and I'd be utterly horrified if someone was being my friend out of a sense of duty or pity.

A message she sent made it clear she looks up to me (and I can kind of understand why) because on the outside I look like I have everything sorted: nice house, nice husband, good job, but I am dealing with an eating disorder, PND and a child with special needs. I don't want to be someone's 'inspiration' - that's more responsibility than I want or can cope with. I want friends I can be myself with and enjoy my time with.

OP posts:
RuffleCrow · 07/08/2019 15:41

I just think we've moved so far as a society towards thinking that not sharing someone's particular views means that we should cut them off.

You can see in this in other social media where most people are in their own chosen echo chamber blocking anyone with an opposing view. MN is probably the exception and yet we still get quite unpleasant pile-ons, even about quite trivial things, which can make it intimidating if you happen to find yourself in a minority.

I just think it's a very different culture to that which was just beginning to emerge in the 80s and 90s where difference and disagreement was part of the rich tapestry of who you knew. My mum is not blessed with much in the way of patience, empathy or compassion, but nonetheless, although she worked, raised kids, looked after elderly relatives, did all the 'wifework' and my dad completely opted out, she still took me round to check on a random assortment of elderly neighbours and other people she knew were vulnerable.

I remember one of them was a racist Jehovah's witness, obsessed with the end of the world. She and my mum disagreed on pretty much everything - she was rude, cantankerous and quite scary to me, and as I've said my mum was no saint herself, but somehow she knew my mum had her back. And if my 'Stately Homes' mother did that for people like her, i think she must have been the tip of the iceberg. We've just lost that as a sex, and men never really had it to begin with, generally speaking.

Roussette · 07/08/2019 15:54

I just think we've moved so far as a society towards thinking that not sharing someone's particular views means that we should cut them off

But the OP has said more than once that she isn't doing that. She just doesn't want to be their friend.

I know many people I would pass the time of day with, out of politeness to my fellow human being, but I would not want to be friends with them.

What's wrong with that?

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 07/08/2019 15:54

I just think we've moved so far as a society towards thinking that not sharing someone's particular views means that we should cut them off

That's fine, but nowhere did I say I planned to cut her off.

I remember one of them was a racist Jehovah's witness, obsessed with the end of the world. She and my mum disagreed on pretty much everything - she was rude, cantankerous and quite scary to me, and as I've said my mum was no saint herself, but somehow she knew my mum had her back. And if my 'Stately Homes' mother did that for people like her, i think she must have been the tip of the iceberg. We've just lost that as a sex, and men never really had it to begin with, generally speaking.

I'm not sure I agree with this - I wonder at your 'Stately Homes' mother's motivation. Nothing would induce me to spend time with a racist, vulnerable or otherwise. Why would you have the back of someone so unpleasant?

OP posts:
RuffleCrow · 07/08/2019 15:57

Because she's a human being.

RuffleCrow · 07/08/2019 16:00

Actually Rousette the OP was all about trying to forge a relationship with the son without having any contact at all with the mother. Not sure how the mother will feel about that but perhaps the OP will come back and tell us how it goes down.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 07/08/2019 16:10

I'm a human being. But I won't be around abusive unpleasant people. That makes me value myself. It doesn't make me less human that your mother.

OP posts:
Roussette · 07/08/2019 16:11

Actually Rousette the OP was all about trying to forge a relationship with the son without having any contact at all with the mother

Wrong. The OP has said on more than one occasion that if the son's friend wants his Mum there, she'll grin and bear it. And reading the OP's posts, I imagine she will do it with grace.

Life is too short to be bosom pals with people you don't agree with, don't like, who have totally different views than you etc.

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 07/08/2019 16:11

Actually Rousette the OP was all about trying to forge a relationship with the son without having any contact at all with the mother

No, I said that I would continue to be polite and would accommodate her if necessary but I didn't want to be her friend.

OP posts:
Elliebellbell · 07/08/2019 16:15

It's pointless trying to reason with a poster who cherry picks points from the op and twists them to suit their own agenda.

As usual for MN lots of projection and a mission to push their own agenda.

You've done nothing wrong op. You're not unkind, despite the accusations of some. You've every right to keep this person at arms length and none of it makes you a bad human being.

Roussette · 07/08/2019 16:17

My point exactly OP.

(sorry it's your point really but you know what I mean Grin)

Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 07/08/2019 16:18

@Roussette

Thank you for your continued support on this thread.

OP posts:
Original poster
Merryoldgoat · 07/08/2019 16:19

@Elliebellbell

And you Ellie!

OP posts:
Elliebellbell · 07/08/2019 16:20

You're very welcome op.

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