...to not want to be friends with someone?

[Merryoldgoat]

I am usually extremely forthright and don't generally get myself into pickles like this, but I can foresee issues ahead.

There is a woman who is the mother of one of my son's friends. I don't really know her very well but always say hello and brief chat etc, if we're in the playground near each other (I chat like that with everyone). I suspected that we didn't have much in common but obviously that doesn't stop you from being polite.

Her DC came to my house for a playdate and she came too, I fed them both (happily) and we chatted whilst the kids played.

I don't like her. At all. I can't really divulge any detail as it's very outing but we approach everything differently and I found the few hours I was in her company very difficult.

Her DC, however, is absolutely lovely and I'm more than happy for them to be friends with my DC and would happily encourage/facilitate that. But I don't want to be her friend.

She is clearly keen to be my friend judging by messages she sends and she is obviously a vulnerable and lonely person.

How can I keep my distance without being rude? Am I okay to just be 'I'll grab DCs after school and walk them back after dinner' when arranging play dates and not give her an opportunity to come too?

I really don't want to affect my son's friendship but I can't be her friend.

At age 6 you can definitely drop off and you don’t need to accept overtures of friendship. In Reception I occasionally stayed at play dates if the DCs wanted me to, but by year 2, no way!! If the mum was a friend sometimes I’d go early and have a coffee if I was invited.
My DCs def has friends where I wasn’t friends w the parent and I’d just pick up and be polite. You’d get the vibe if the mum wanted to be friends or not!!
You need to put boundaries in place if not - ‘I’m busy’ or ‘I’ll drop x off but then I’ll have to go to x, I’ll pick up at 6pm’. Just don’t offer for her to come in, etc.

Its a really tricky one op. I have been in a similar situation when someone (another mum) is more keen than i am to be friends and its just really hard work. When you don't enjoy the time together or mutually gain some sense of connection/support, it can be hard. I have usually taken the friendly but firm approach. I have been clear on my opinions even if they differ from theirs, and if they comment negatively on my lifestyle (e.g. working with kids) I've said each to their own, and not agreed blindly. Sometimes, if you're nodding and smiling to be polite, people will see that as a sign that you're on the same page even if you don't actively talk about or promote those views.

It's tricky though, and i think putting your sons friendship first is the right move. At school my brother had a friend from a really rough background, a lovely boy who lived in the local pretty dodgy caravan park and had a really dysfunctional life. My mum was happy to let the friend come round and even for my brother to go to his place after they'd invited him, and i think everyone benefited. My mum was kind to the other mum, they didn't become friends as such though and i don't know how it worked as i was only a kid. Just saying that putting the kids first even though they're different is such a lovely thing to do.

She's not a charity, ruffle

She gets to pick her friends

What i'm trying to get at is whether as a society we can imagine any middle ground between being friends and cutting someone off completely in an emotional sense.

That sounds like what the op had been doing:

I don't really know her very well but always say hello and brief chat etc, if we're in the playground near each other (I chat like that with everyone). I suspected that we didn't have much in common but obviously that doesn't stop you from being polite.

She's perfectly happy to rub along in a friendly way with this woman but doesn't want a closer friendship. What sort of middle ground were you thinking of?

She was probably casing out the joint making sure ds would be ok on a first playdate. Hopefully she'll take advantage of the free couple of hours in the future.

If she says she wants to come too say you were hoping to foster some independence in your dc and had some work to get on with whilst they play (you hope)

I understand OP. I had a similar situation with a mom from playgroup that I simply did not want to be friends with. She just wasn't my sort of person and she too was keen to be friends.

I was just very aloof and she eventually got the hint.

It is true that you have little to lose about being more open with your ideas. At worst, she will like you less. Which is also the best.

I understand your predicament, OP. My DC is 3, but had a little friend he loved playing with. Her mum and I never had much in common, but I didn't see that as an issue until she started to get comfortable about making hateful statements about women, among other things. It just got worse and worse and the more I get to know her the more I don't think I can tolerate her. Our values are too out of synch.

Like you, they're not topics I can agree to disagree with her on. I even suggested we do agree to disagree once and she unloaded her vitriol on me because she wants me to hate what she hates. She's very outspoken about it all too so she'll never stick to neutral topics of conversation.

I'm really sad our kids won't play together anymore, but I also don't want my kid exposed to her bigotry. Which, ultimately, is the most important thing.

It is difficult to find middle ground with someone whose expectations are different to yours, it really is.
No-contact/ghosting - unfair to the children/parent will feel worse
Bff - unfair to the OP/breeds resentment/unrealistic expectations/you end up feeling like a bad boyfriend

The middle ground would be an occasional coffee together or shared playdate at a park or ballpool or fixed rendez-vous each week that took less than it gave eg swimming once a week or a dance class whereby girls do something together and parents chat once a week

Sounds nice, yes?
The difficulty is that that sometimes leads to what I call ''on top, on top'' that the OP is then asked to do x, y, z on top of what she is already doing out of politeness/kindness/etiquette/reciprocity and the firm but fair approach falls on deaf ears because you are deemed to be friends now.
There's boundaries and nuances that some people do not understand, cannot relate to or deliberately ignore. The latter itself is rude when you think about it. Misery loves company but emotional vampires/energy vampires take a lot out of you. Even social butterflies with single kids when you have >1 can take a lot out of you.
God I'm an anti-social sod, eh?!
I'm just agreeing, OP; it's hard to find a balance when you don't necessarily need new friends yourself but you obviously want to facilitate your child having friendships.

I think that comes back to what i was saying about the OP deciding on her personal boundaries ans sticking to them firmly, whatever they are. After all, if MN has taught us anything it's that 'no' is a complete sentence.

I can’t for the life of me see what’s potentially outing about any of the examples of why you don’t like her

I knew someone and we took out DC's out for the day, I never knew her long but we went to a concert together. We met up before hand and bought a bottle of wine and lemonade.
Now I don't really like the taste of wine, so she was moaning about how much lemonade I was putting in mine and tried to dictate the amount. I don't drink that much anyway, however she said she did so if we go out after the concert I'll have to be her 'mum' and look after her as she gets really drunk!......er no thanks.
She also said, don't tell anyone but I might do coke tonight and I was like...mmm ok.
She's just not my type of person at all, I can't be arsed going out and having to 'look after' someone and then hang around if they wanna do coke.

You can’t like everybody OP.
I’ve had this situation too a couple of times, although it’s the massively left-wingers I can’t be doing with.
She’ll be hosting next time, so just drop off your son, politely decline any coffee offers and the next time you invite round, explain that you can’t invite her as you’ve got some work to do/the plumbers coming/you’ve a cake to make/need to deep clean the loo!

Ahh, this is an interesting thread and does resonate with me somewhat.. but in reverse. Situation often makes me feel cr@p about myself.

Exactly, @surreysnapper.

Personally, I was brought up with 'do as you would be done by'.

It's a message that runs through theology and philosophy for thousands of years but seems to have suddenly dropped out of contemporary consciousness with neo-liberal economics and then the rise of 'social' media.

Thatcher would love that her 'no such thing as society' mindset had filtered down to the mn hive mind so successfully.

But most people don't want someone who hates their values to fake friendship with them.

Don't be ridiculous Ruffle.

It's not about faking friendship.

It's not even about friendship.

It's just about not completely cutting the other person off when they're clearly lonely, vulnerable and in need of, at the very least, low level human connection. As the OP detected and just as quickly, hardened her heart to and came on here to get her decision reinforced.

We don't need to 'share someone's values' or make them our new bffs in order to give a shit about them.

Do what you want, ultimately, but as the song goes "you might need somebody" yourself some day and be grateful you kept that aqcuaintance-ship going. What goes around comes around and all that.

Giving a shit about those different to ourselves is the increasingly weak glue struggling to hold society together at the moment, as far as i can tell.

Do you have an argument @Ellie or are you just posting to lob groundless insults at people you don't know?

You are making an awful lot of assumptions about values and society based on very little.

I am actually a volunteer befriender. I have 2 elderly people I visit 2 hours each per week.

Please back off with the sad face lecturing.

@RuffleCrow

Nobody has to be kind to anyone, but the fact is we're in the midst of a loneliness epidemic and even the smallest gesture can transform someone else's day whilst costing us relatively little. It also has proven psychological benefits for the person 'giving' so win/win. As long as you don't end up giving more than you can reasonably spare.

Small gestures of kindness are fine, such as giving up a seat, smiling at a stranger, paying for someone’s shopping if they’ve forgotten their purse. But what you seem to want involved time and unfortunately it’s women who are expected to be bear the brunt of this ‘be kind’ theology.

I’m a magnet for lonely people who want to talk at me. But I haven’t got time to accommodate people, I have my own family, an elderly mum that relies on me for company and shopping and a full time job and I just don’t have the patience to listen to someone talking endlessly at me.

One of my neighbour is in her 60s and likes to talk at people about the same things over and over again and I have zero guilt about keeping things to a hello and how are you and then moving on. Why is the onus on the recipient of these advances to be kind?

I knew someone was going to try the feminist angle. You're talking to a hardened GC radfem here so good luck with that .

This is a forum where women (mainly) discuss things. That doesn't mean men don't have an equal responsibility to their fellow human beings. Women are 50% of the population and should only ever shoulder 50% of the social responsibility.

Btw you seem to have missed the female solidarity/ sisterhood angle whereby women stand by one another on principle & help each other out instead of going 'she looks lonely and vulnerable better cut her out quickly'. If that was the core message of feminism the movement would never have created DV refuges in the first place.

I guess you know whether that's really true @Elliebellbell but it doesn't really change how you're coming across. Please don't police others on the thread, we are all free to post as we choose within guidelines.

I knew someone was going to try the feminist angle. You're talking to a hardened GC radfem here so good luck with that grin.

Not sure why you’re going all radfem on me, I just made a point. Women are the main caregivers for the sick, the elderly, the disabled and the young. It’s all very well saying women should shoulder 50% or social responsibility but they don’t, they shoulder far more.

The disproportionate burden on women is immense. Go and make do their 50% before preaching to me about kindness. Go and make my brother care for my mother so I can be kinder to my elderly neighbour.