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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to not want to be friends with someone?

144 replies

Merryoldgoat · 06/08/2019 12:02

I am usually extremely forthright and don't generally get myself into pickles like this, but I can foresee issues ahead.

There is a woman who is the mother of one of my son's friends. I don't really know her very well but always say hello and brief chat etc, if we're in the playground near each other (I chat like that with everyone). I suspected that we didn't have much in common but obviously that doesn't stop you from being polite.

Her DC came to my house for a playdate and she came too, I fed them both (happily) and we chatted whilst the kids played.

I don't like her. At all. I can't really divulge any detail as it's very outing but we approach everything differently and I found the few hours I was in her company very difficult.

Her DC, however, is absolutely lovely and I'm more than happy for them to be friends with my DC and would happily encourage/facilitate that. But I don't want to be her friend.

She is clearly keen to be my friend judging by messages she sends and she is obviously a vulnerable and lonely person.

How can I keep my distance without being rude? Am I okay to just be 'I'll grab DCs after school and walk them back after dinner' when arranging play dates and not give her an opportunity to come too?

I really don't want to affect my son's friendship but I can't be her friend.

OP posts:

TheBigBallOfOil · 08/08/2019 06:43

I’m well aware that ASD doesn’t equal unpleasant, thanks, and I’m glad your school has fostered inclusiveness. That surely implies that they have encouraged other kids to be open and go beyond what they are obligated to do by the rules. Which is precisely the point, isn’t it - the worlds a pretty grim place if we only afford each other what we’re obligated to afford.
My child hasn’t been so lucky I’m afraid, despite us doing for him all the things you say you’ve done for your son, indeed many more.

madmother1 · 08/08/2019 06:45

Could you just say, that you want to catch up with some housework, while the DC play next time?

Roussette · 08/08/2019 07:22

Does this woman have ASD, probably not, she is just a plain ole pain in the arse.

There might be a very good reason why this person hasn't got lots of friends and is continually on the look out for new ones. She's unpleasant.

The OP has been kind enough to her. She just isn't going to be best friends with her. I betcha the OP is and has been kinder to this woman than many others would be, including some on here doing the guilt tripping.

sueelleker · 08/08/2019 07:29

Why are we railroading people into being "friends" with people they have nothing in common with. And it's not the op's responsibility if this woman has a victim type mentality she can't get on with.
It's like teachers insisting a child plays with someone they don't like.

Original poster

Merryoldgoat · 08/08/2019 07:42

the worlds a pretty grim place if we only afford each other what we’re obligated to afford

But I was open to being friends but I don’t like her - do her feelings trump mine?

As far as I see it I’m obligated to be polite - I’ve done more than that and will continue to - I just don’t want to be ‘friends’

My son is very quirky and kids just like him, they always have. That creates different issues. ‘Mum - send them home now’, ‘mum - I’m bored now’, ‘mum, X is boring and I don’t like them today’.

I’m sorry your son is having difficulties.

OP posts:

TheBigBallOfOil · 08/08/2019 07:48

I am not actually criticising your approach. I think you seem to be trying to strike a reasonable balance. My point was really to those who seem to think that to be driven only by obligation is fine without pausing to wonder how life might be for them if that’s how they were treated.

TheBigBallOfOil · 08/08/2019 07:51

I’m also not suggesting this woman has ASD. I am using that as an example to illustrate a wider point.
To take another, simpler example : if I see you struggling with three kids and heavy shopping I’m not obliged to offer help. But life’s a bit nicer for both of us if I do. Strip all of that back to obligation - god, I would t want to live in a world like that. Horrible.

WeatherSchmeather · 08/08/2019 07:52

Yep. I wouldn’t want to hang out with her either, OP. She sounds terrible given those examples you posted. Like I said in my earlier post, the mother I cut off recently has some pretty hateful views about things too, and although my son likes her kid I’d really rather he not be exposed to her bigotry. Kids pick up on these things so it’s not just about you not liking her, it’s about protecting your own little one from negativity. Ignore the agitators clogging up this thread and enjoy your basic human right to choose who you spend time with.

MsTSwift · 08/08/2019 07:59

Carrying shopping and being a friend are not comparable! This lady potentially wants hours of ops time and emotional energy which we happy to give people we care about and make us happy who become our friends but giving that to people we don’t makes my blood run cold. Push back op it will get even harder to extricate yourself if you give in.

OtraCosaMariposa · 08/08/2019 08:06

I hear you Merry.

I know a woman like this - she used to be a friend. She was such a mood hoover though that I had to cut contact with her for my own good. She was negative about everything. Nothing was ever good enough. If we went out and had an amazing day with the kids but one stepped in a puddle on the way home that's what she'd bang on about for hours - that "Anna" had got her shoes mucky, that it was shit, that she didn't want to come anyway, that the whole day was ruined, that it was never her idea to come in the first place and on and on and on.

Her time keeping was appalling and she'd breeze in 30 minutes after we'd arranged to meet with a "OMG what am I like, late again!" comment. Her children were very much loved but badly behaved and indulged by her and while I was saying no to a third ice cream to mine she was "awwww, i'll get them, you only live once".

Now we don't see her any more and I am SO much happier!

OP you don't owe this woman friendship. You're doing nothing wrong by wanting to keep your distance.

OtraCosaMariposa · 08/08/2019 08:12

Now we don't see her any more and I am SO much happier!

By this I should clarify that we don't have an active friendship any more. If I bump into her at school or one of the other activities the kids do it's all "Hi, how are you doing, been super busy, yes we must catch up sometime, will give you a call" and I never do. The kids still hang out sometimes as they're old enough to go to the park by themselves.

Roussette · 08/08/2019 08:26

Carrying shopping and being a friend are not comparable!

Exactly what I was going to say. There's someone where I live who has a lot of MH issues. She is always round the place hitching lifts. I always stop and pick her up and drop her off and she natters away nonstop for the journey. She is always in wellies and leaves clumps of mud in my car. I won't stop giving her lifts if I see her. But I won't be asking her round to my house for lunch as a friend. I'll help her but that's the extent of it.

MsTSwift · 08/08/2019 08:32

If we as women all gave these people what they want (our time and emotional energy) we would be spent. Where does it end? Where are we “allowed” to draw the line without criticism for not being kind?

WeatherSchmeather · 08/08/2019 08:41

@MsTSwift Exactly. We’re programmed to help people, but unless we draw that line with a fair amount of resolution we end up with nothing left to give. I’ve been there several times and now I’m more discerning. And then we become “selfish bitches”.

There are a whole lot of people in the world who are more in need of kindness than the woman the OP has described. I would wager that woman would have more friends if she wasn’t so unpleasant. That’s up to her to work out though.

MsTSwift · 08/08/2019 09:42

My grandparents were life’s “givers” gf a minister and my mother as a child had to put up with all sorts of randoms they were helping. They weren’t allowed to open Christmas presents until the randoms gone home in case the present opening made them feel sad. My mother as a result herself has very strong boundaries and has passed this in. We will help but we won’t give if ourselves like our grandparents

MsTSwift · 08/08/2019 09:43

Some o s are I s but you get the gist.

TiredSloth · 08/08/2019 11:00

You definitely don’t owe this woman a friendship op.

Also, there’s no way my son would be spending time at her house after her talk of ‘smacking’ and ‘council estate scum’.

Rainbunny · 08/08/2019 12:27

It's tricky but I'd just continue trying to set up expectations at the outset such as saying you'll bring her DS home afterwards etc.. and hopefully that shuts down any thoughts of her joining you. If she does keep pushing to join you you could always say something along the lines of "Sorry but I have some phone calls that I need to make, some work I need to catch up on, I'll be deep cleaning my kitchen/defrosting the freezer etc..." Anything that sends the message that you won't be able to socialise with her.

Original poster

Merryoldgoat · 08/08/2019 13:39

Thank you all - I like the suggestions of saying I'm getting on with work etc. whilst they play.

OP posts:

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