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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

...to not want to be friends with someone?

144 replies

Merryoldgoat · 06/08/2019 12:02

I am usually extremely forthright and don't generally get myself into pickles like this, but I can foresee issues ahead.

There is a woman who is the mother of one of my son's friends. I don't really know her very well but always say hello and brief chat etc, if we're in the playground near each other (I chat like that with everyone). I suspected that we didn't have much in common but obviously that doesn't stop you from being polite.

Her DC came to my house for a playdate and she came too, I fed them both (happily) and we chatted whilst the kids played.

I don't like her. At all. I can't really divulge any detail as it's very outing but we approach everything differently and I found the few hours I was in her company very difficult.

Her DC, however, is absolutely lovely and I'm more than happy for them to be friends with my DC and would happily encourage/facilitate that. But I don't want to be her friend.

She is clearly keen to be my friend judging by messages she sends and she is obviously a vulnerable and lonely person.

How can I keep my distance without being rude? Am I okay to just be 'I'll grab DCs after school and walk them back after dinner' when arranging play dates and not give her an opportunity to come too?

I really don't want to affect my son's friendship but I can't be her friend.

OP posts:

Roussette · 07/08/2019 16:23

No probs OP
As a pp said... there's some mothers out there who would cut off the friendship between child and friend because they don't like the mother. The pp said she felt it had happened to her child. Now that's mean.

This isn't.

Pinkout · 07/08/2019 16:24

Ahh I can’t help but feel sorry for her a bit. It’s hard to comment without knowing what exactly you disagree on but if it is literally just a personality clash, I do feel for her. She’s clearly quite lonely and hopeful she has made a friend in you but you have rejected her...

Is there no possible way you could at least attempt to get along with her? It does sound to me as though you had a preconception of her before you even spent time with her.

IrmaFayLear · 07/08/2019 16:28

ha ha - what a thread!

The OP sounds entirely normal and pleasant. She has entertained this woman and been courteous. Surely that's all that is demanded of a person?

It is not "letting down the sisterhood" blah de blah because you don't want to be someone's bosom buddy. It is good manners to be friendly, but it is beyond the call of duty to have to be someone's friend .

It is hurtful and a knock back if you extend the hand of friendship and it is not reciprocated (I have been there a few times and had to hibernate for a while at the total embarrassment of being rejected for a coffee) but as long as someone is cordial and not unkind then that has to be enough sometimes.

SudowoodoVoodoo · 07/08/2019 16:34

MNHQ frequently warns not to give more of yourself than you can afford. That applies to friendship too. Friendship is a mutual process that brings pleasure to both parties. It is reasonable to politely hold at arms length people who you do not actually like and have boundaries about how much you are willing to interact. To facilitate the friendship of two pleasant children and keep contact with the mother is perfectly fine.

We can't control other people. We can't fix them or heal them or solve their problems. If we wish, we can facilititate if they are willing and it works for both parties. We are not obliged to discomfort ourselves for social contacts and prop them up. The wonderful thing about friendship is that it is optional. If we were on a date and just didn't like the person within a date or two, it is absolutely to politely walk away. Friendship is no different. Friendship is not an obligation or charitable cause.

There's a school mum who I do not connect with at all. Her social skills are poor and she will intensively latch onto anyone avaliable. She hasn't gelled with parents from the oldest's year, nor from the youngest's and tends to lurk on the periphery or approach people from other years and latch on for a few weeks. I put up further social boundaries to just basic politeness after she began getting over-familiar around my youngest who is not connected to her children. Fortunately I don't have to support a friendship with her children (who I find pleasant) and I don't want to send signals that will be misinterpreted as friendship. Undoubtedly she has her own issues in some way, but I do not have the emotional resources to get involved nor any responsibility to her.

Original poster

Merryoldgoat · 07/08/2019 16:45

It does sound to me as though you had a preconception of her before you even spent time with her.

How? I invited her DC over happily, had her to my house, gave her lunch (planned to in advance). I had hoped that I would get on with her. But I didn't.

I don't have a vast number of other mums at the school who I'm especially friendly with but all the ones I am started off in this exact way - play date, mum came to supervise, we got on, tentatively chats and whatsapp messages about homework which progressed to coffee and then friendship. I had no reason to suspect this would be any different.

My friends are all vastly different from a very wide range of socio-economic groups - one of my best friends is a dinner lady - I'm an accountant. I didn't think we'd have nothing in common - I thought 'she seems nice' and there you go.

OP posts:

Roussette · 07/08/2019 16:51

I didn't think we'd have nothing in common - I thought 'she seems nice' and there you go

And that's the way friendship happens. I met a Mum at toddlers, our first DCs weren't even a year old. We are chalk and cheese, could not be more different in every which way. She was over for lunch last week for a good old natter, those kids are now 30!

Yet there's other Mum's I met that were my DC's friends Mums, and it was a rapid swerve! Even though the 'children' are still in touch even now.

It is like dating. You don't keep going out with someone you don't like

katewhinesalot · 07/08/2019 16:56

Civil and polite but not overly friendly as you are so busy. "you know how it is"

Ragwort · 07/08/2019 16:58

Sadly some people are incredibly insensitive about making friends and tend to want to be 'best friends' far too quickly. I seem to attract lost souls (no idea why) and sometimes we clearly have nothing in common but they are almost desperate to become friends. I try to suggest doing something like going to an exercise class or volunteering together so that hopefully they will develop an interest (& meet different people ), but often they might say 'oh no, I just want to sit and chat with you' .

It's just not possible to get on with everyone, and I've had people who clearly don't want to be friends with me ... I understand that & don't try to force the friendship.

RuffleCrow · 07/08/2019 16:58

I think friendship is one kettle of fish and just basic giving a shit about someone who's clearly isolated and vulnerable is another. One is reciprocal, the other is just having a modicum of community spirit.

And yes the MNHQ rules of not giving more than you can reasonably spare do apply, but let's face it saying "Hi, how are you?" And listening to the reply only takes up about 2 minutes from the hours of valuable MN-ing time we all miraculously manage to find from somewhere!

Roussette · 07/08/2019 17:10

Ruffle you are being deliberately obtuse. The OP has said more than once that she will be pleasant, she will have the mother round if the son wants/needs it, she is not going to blank her. And yet you translate that as 'not giving a shit'.

There are people I know where I live who really aren't my cuppa, but I am polite and pleasant enough. I have to be, we're a small community. However, I am not going to seek them out, or invite them round to my house.

You're making it very very black and white. There is a medium ground.

Elliebellbell · 07/08/2019 17:16

Well said Rousette.

Patroclus · 07/08/2019 17:31

Why woud it possibly be 'outing' to share an opinion you have on one person in the whole of the world? particularly when that opinion is very relevant to the problem at heart.

thecatinthetwat · 07/08/2019 17:34

My mum is not blessed with much in the way of patience, empathy or compassion,

Hmm, and yet she used up whatever she did have on strangers and racists. An odd choice, not a noble example of humanity. Please stop thinking there is anything ‘normal’ or ‘good’ about this.

Original poster

Merryoldgoat · 07/08/2019 17:58

@Patroclus

I messaged you so you’d understand the type of thing I mean

OP posts:

BoronationStreet · 07/08/2019 18:41

This thread perfectly illustrates the problem with online forums, and Mumsnet in particular.

The OP is clearly a nice person that just doesn't want to be friends with another woman. End of. How can anyone really argue against that?

Cue professional antagonist: You're unkind, have you given her a chance, what if it was you, guilt guilt GUILT.

And no matter how many people tell said antagonist they're wrong, antagonist won't accept defeat and continues to post in hopes of at least ONE person agreeing so antagonist is validated for being "right" despite literally everyone else telling them they are wrong.

Elliebellbell · 07/08/2019 18:49

I completely agree BoronationStreet.

There are often appeasers on here who make ridiculous suggestions.

I've seen posters give an account of being horribly abused by (for example) neighbours and they're then advised to "go round with a bottle of wine/flowers/chocs and try and make amends"

Basically suck up to some horror to keep the peace, it's insane.

foxtiger · 07/08/2019 18:50

on the outside I look like I have everything sorted: nice house, nice husband, good job, but I am dealing with an eating disorder, PND and a child with special needs

Could you bear to tell her any of that? She might naturally back off a bit if she feels she's got a lot on her own plate already and you aren't going to be able to give her the support she was hoping for. That way, you don't have to do anything openly rejecting at all.

64sNewName · 07/08/2019 19:03

I too completely think you sound kind and reasonable, OP. You have made it explicitly clear that you are not even considering cutting this woman off - you just hope it’s ok if you draw a boundary and don’t actually encourage a friendship.

You have spelled it out more than once, and you’ve been so cautious about not outing this woman that you’ve held back from giving precise examples of what puts you off.

I don’t know how any of that adds up to “unkind”. And you have loads on your plate already.

Really, don’t worry about this.

Weirdwonders · 07/08/2019 19:10

I think I agree with RuffleCrow to some extent (and it’s a bit ridiculous to start calling her an antagonist for arguing that the OP is being unreasonable when the purpose of the post was to discuss that exact Q). It’s hard to say without knowing the dynamic between you. If you don’t like her you don’t and that can’t be helped. But I have noticed the trend for people to refuse or overthink friendships, even with people they’ve known for years. I guess we’re all more time pressed.

Elliebellbell · 07/08/2019 19:29

Friendship is never going to be perfect, even our closest pals will piss us off sometimes. We have to accept it's a trade off for all the great qualities our friends have.

If you dread the thought of meeting up with someone you're not doing either of you any favours.

bluegirlgreen · 07/08/2019 20:32

@BoronationStreet

This thread perfectly illustrates the problem with online forums, and Mumsnet in particular.

The OP is clearly a nice person that just doesn't want to be friends with another woman. End of. How can anyone really argue against that?

Cue professional antagonist: You're unkind, have you given her a chance, what if it was you, guilt guilt GUILT.

This. ^ In spades.

bluegirlgreen · 07/08/2019 20:32

@Elliebellbell

I completely agree BoronationStreet.

There are often appeasers on here who make ridiculous suggestions.

I've seen posters give an account of being horribly abused by (for example) neighbours and they're then advised to "go round with a bottle of wine/flowers/chocs and try and make amends"

Basically suck up to some horror to keep the peace, it's insane.

Also this. ^

bluegirlgreen · 07/08/2019 20:50

@Elliebellbell

Friendship is never going to be perfect, even our closest pals will piss us off sometimes. We have to accept it's a trade off for all the great qualities our friends have.

If you dread the thought of meeting up with someone you're not doing either of you any favours.

Agree. As I said, the women my DH kept bringing home (his mates wives) were as bored as me! Hate it when people try to force friendships.

bluegirlgreen · 07/08/2019 20:50

@Elliebellbell

Friendship is never going to be perfect, even our closest pals will piss us off sometimes. We have to accept it's a trade off for all the great qualities our friends have.

If you dread the thought of meeting up with someone you're not doing either of you any favours.

Agree. As I said, the women my DH kept bringing home (his mates wives) were as bored as me! Hate it when people try to force friendships.

zeezee3 · 07/08/2019 21:35

@Merryoldgoat

She is clearly keen to be my friend judging by messages she sends and she is obviously a vulnerable and lonely person.

YANBU OP. And the above sentence is worrying. People who are lonely and vulnerable can be very clingy and needy. You don't need that.

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