...to not want to be friends with someone?

[Merryoldgoat]

I am usually extremely forthright and don't generally get myself into pickles like this, but I can foresee issues ahead.

There is a woman who is the mother of one of my son's friends. I don't really know her very well but always say hello and brief chat etc, if we're in the playground near each other (I chat like that with everyone). I suspected that we didn't have much in common but obviously that doesn't stop you from being polite.

Her DC came to my house for a playdate and she came too, I fed them both (happily) and we chatted whilst the kids played.

I don't like her. At all. I can't really divulge any detail as it's very outing but we approach everything differently and I found the few hours I was in her company very difficult.

Her DC, however, is absolutely lovely and I'm more than happy for them to be friends with my DC and would happily encourage/facilitate that. But I don't want to be her friend.

She is clearly keen to be my friend judging by messages she sends and she is obviously a vulnerable and lonely person.

How can I keep my distance without being rude? Am I okay to just be 'I'll grab DCs after school and walk them back after dinner' when arranging play dates and not give her an opportunity to come too?

I really don't want to affect my son's friendship but I can't be her friend.

@RuffleCrow

I just think we've moved so far as a society towards thinking that not sharing someone's particular views means that we should cut them off.

It's got nothing to do with people having different views to me. Like the wives of the workmates DH brought home; it wasn't that they had different views; I just had fuck-all in common with them, I was bored, so were they, and I had no interest in being friends with them.

I have very little interest in making friends with people. I have my adult DC, my 2 best friends who I have known since we were kids, half a dozen neighbours who I get on with quite well and chat to over the garden fence or whilst on a walk several times a week, and a couple of work colleagues who I go for lunch with twice a month.

I don't WANT any new friends, I don't NEED any new friends, and I won't have them forced on me, by anyone. Whether it's someone else pushing them on me - or the person themselves.

Although i am happy to socialise, and meet people for coffees/beer/pub lunch etc, I don't like people visiting my home (except my DC and my 2 BFFS.) I do not want randoms turning up at my house, expecting me to drop everything I am doing (or planning) to entertain them for several hours.

I don't care if that makes me miserable, anti-social, grumpy, curmudgeon etc... Better that, than a mug who lets people walk all over you.

Maybe half a century ago (and before,) people were a lot more accommodating and didn't mind 'poppers-in' but in those days, many women didn't work, and were very bored at home. I work, and I am very busy, with lots of hobbies and interests. And I do not have the time or the inclination to entertain random people (who I did not invite!) to my house, to sit there for hours, boring me senseless, chatting shit about themselves, and complaining.

The time has gone where women are compliant and accommodating and meek. If I don't want anyone in my house, and if I don't want to be friends with someone and socialise with them, and if I don't want to do something, then I won't bloody well do it. And I will NOT be told that I should be accommodating, to be be 'nice' and 'kind' ... Just bloody jog on!

I think that's an interesting unfounded accusation @bluegreengirl and possibly a pre-emptive DARVO on your part.

Nobody on these threads knows who anybody else really is, but I doubt there's much money in urging people to be charitable tbh. On the other hand if there are professional opportunities in encouraging people to give a shit about each that you're aware of, do get in touch as that sounds perfect for me

Seriously though there's a definite binary individualistic message being pushed all over MN under the guise of feminism. I imagine there are plenty of political influencers rubbing their hands together with glee every time there's a "Go NC" "cut them out"/"LTB" pile on. Of course sometimes these commands seem warranted but more often it's a bit of a frenzy over some average human error.

Isolated, scared, mistrustful individuals are much more responsive to political and commericial manipulation that close-knit, resilient RL communities.

@RuffleCrow

WTF are you on about?

You're actually being really aggressive and it's completely needless. That's not feminism in the slightest -it's just a pale imitation of male aggression which frankly the world has had enough of. I'm as radfem as they come and i don't think life is going to improve for either sex until people drop this selfish "i'm alright jack" bullshit.

You're weirdly angry about being 'told to do something' i have never even suggested you do. Nobody wants you to befriend someone you don't want to befriend. Stop arguing against points that were never made.

@RuffleCrow

Are you fucking kidding me?

Firstly. I never claimed to BE a feminist.

And I really don't give a shit what you think.

I also don't know who the fuck you think you are, telling me how I should be behaving, telling me I should change my attitude, and telling me how I should be posting on here.

Why on earth do you think your opinions matter to me? You are nothing to me, your vacuous opinions are worthless to me, AND you clearly think you are WAY more important than you are.

I shall be ignoring your posts, as you are boring me now.

Go rant at someone else.

As you were...

You're actually being really aggressive and it's completely needless. That's not feminism in the slightest -it's just a pale imitation of male aggression which frankly the world has had enough of. I'm as radfem as they come and i don't think life is going to improve for either sex until people drop this selfish "i'm alright jack" bullshit.

YOU are rad-fem? I didn't realise being rad-fem meant guilting women into relationships they do not want to be in. If it was a depressed man pursuing a friendship with the OP, we'd all agree that the OP owes him nothing.

But because it's a woman, you are determined to continue to guilt the OP and everyone else on the thread into agreeing that the OP should bear this woman's emotional burden because a good person would "find the middle ground". Whatever the fuck that means.

You're wrong RuffleCrow. No one is being selfish by protecting their own boundaries and not letting people guilt them into doing things that make them uncomfortable.

For all our sakes Ruffle, cease and desist, you're making an absolute tit of yourself.

Well said @BoronationStreet ^ AND @Elliebellbell

I would just ignore this poster from now on though. (I am doing...) Clearly just here to goad people.

Op its fine to not want a friendship with this woman.

Being guilt tripped about it isn't ok, women are not social workers.

Just be really boring and mundane OP. She might not want to be your friend x

But i feel it's a sign of the times that when faced with someone needy and vulnerable we've become a society that can't think of another option than checking out of that relationship altogether. Isn't there a middle ground?

Absolutely agree. This thread is fascinating to me as I’ve often figured that some people think / behave this way and have never been able to fathom it. If I met a mum via my DC who seemed vulnerable and lonely and needed support i would give it happily, but maybe that’s because I know what it’s like to be in that situation.

And being busy as per a PP has bugger all to do with it - I have disabled twin toddlers and a part time job and multiple health issues myself and still found the time to help out a friend who I haven’t seen for nearly a year (and have only known about 18 months) this week with DLA forms.

I can’t for the life of me see what’s potentially outing about any of the examples of why you don’t like her

No, it’s almost as if giving the reasons would make it clear whos being unreasonable.

Unless someone is spouting bigoted bullshit, I would be kind and friendly to anyone who needs it.

Agreed sprouts, we don't have a responsibility for taking in waifs and strays.

For pp saying if they were in this situation they would do xyz, that's because you want to not because it's the Right Thing To Do. It makes you feel good, and that's ok. But it doesn't make the op or everyone feel the same way, and guilt won't help - imagine finding someone had only befriended you out of pity/guilt! Awful.

@Sinkgirl

That opening paragraph doesn’t relate to anything I’ve posted - I’ve said repeatedly that I have no intention of cutting her out, will continue to welcome her into my home if she’s not comfortable with play dates otherwise, continue to pass the time of day as I do currently - surely that IS the middle ground?

So some examples since it’s clear a few posters need some:

She told me her children get in the way of her having a successful relationship.

She described some people as ‘council estate scum’.

She told me to smack my toddler when he misbehaved.

I challenged all of these things but it’s not something I want to be doing with a friend.

@SomeAfternoonDelight

Boring and mundane? Moi? Not possible

I was originally going to advise for you to be perfectly psychedelic, getting your crystals out and tea leaves and telling her future but if you want the child to play with yours then probs go for the boring and mundane.

See, you would have had utterly different responses had you made it clear what the issue was.

You don’t want to be friends with her because she’s an arsehole, not because she’s vulnerable or lonely. Your OP and subsequent posts ended up leading to responses like People who are lonely and vulnerable can be very clingy and needy. You don't need that which is so awful I can’t even respond to it.

YANBU

If she mentions coming with her Ds tell her you were going to catch up on housework while they played.

You’ve been more than accommodating, OP. You are under absolutely no obligation to be anything more than ordinarily civil in passing with this woman where necessary to facilitate the children’s relationship — women are allowed to dislike other women without it being some sisterhood-diminishing betrayal.

I feel stupid reading my last post back - it’s obvious she’s just not very nice but it’s hard to explain the feeling. It’s not guilt exactly, it’s more like I feel like she thinks I could make her life nicer and that feels like the sort of thing you SHOULD do if you can, but I just don’t want to.

As the parent of a child who struggles to make friends - he has ASD - I always find threads like this so sad. It’s true no one is under an obligation to be friends with someone whom they don’t find appealing. But if that rules everything my ds is always going to be lonely. He is gentle’ kind, considerate and honest, but socially awkward and tends to talk about the same things. So he’s rejected for friendship again and again. If just one person said I’ll give him a chance not because I’m obliged but as a kindness it would make a real difference.
If we all only do that which we are obliged to do, the world is a sadder place. For everyone.

if she wants to come on every play date, then you could say something like, 'Oh sorry, I was just looking for a friend for......to play with, while I got on with my sewing/ assignment/piano practice etc. Then reiterate the time you will drop him back with minimal chat at her door.

@TheBigBallOfOil

Autism doesn’t mean unpleasant and unpleasant isn’t the same as social awkwardness.

ASD obviously affects people differently but I’ve found that the more outlet I give my son (who has ASD) to explore his interests in different ways the more easy it has been for others to ‘get’ him - he has lots of friends which has been gradual and his school have also been very inclusive which helps.

They just day things like ‘oh, Merry’s Son is just being himself again’ and carry on.

However I don’t want anyone to befriend him because they pity him and he wouldn’t want that either.

Might someone who is perceived as vulnerable, possibly lacking in friends and a support network and talk about other females in a negative light be a massive fucking problem in the future?
How many threads dispict this very scenario and posters are advised to protect themselves and trust their instincts?
I know the Op hasn't mentioned any of this but let's not be telling people to ignore the red flags about possible wronguns. And not just on dates or relationships but friendships as well.

*let's not be telling people to ignore the red flags about possible wronguns. And not just on dates or relationships but friendships as well.
*
A very good point well made.

You don’t owe anyone your friendship. Everyone deserves to be treated civilly and with respect but no more.

Also ruffle how would you feel if you realised you were a duty friend and people were only spending time with you because they felt sorry for you and you were part of a one woman outreach for lame ducks program?