AIBU to not struggle financially

[billsnewhat]

Good morning fellow mumsnetters. Last yr we were left some money by an elderly relative it isnt a life changing amount but we both agreed this money would take the pressure off slightly. 18 months on and my DJ has decided that this money is not to be touched we paid off the mortgage and the rest is to be saved for retirement as my husband wants to retire at 50 which is 4 yrs time. He has now working overtime at work to make extra money to live and is absolutely exhausted and I have a £20 budget for the summer holidays. He says the kids eat his money and I spoil them by spending money on taking them out for a daily walk and a trip to the park should suffice no swimming or cinema as we can't afford it - the thing is we can afford it and it annoys me that we are struggling when we don't need to. No holiday either as we can't afford it - AiBU he has always been money savvy hence why we have a nice house in a nice area as he bought his first house at 19 by saving and managing his money from 14! His sister tells me he spent no money for 5 years as it was his dream to own his own house before he was 20. Every spare moment at moment is spent moving money from account to account to get the right rate. AIBU to think we should the enjoy money a bit more?

They will drink at 18+ whether they are at university, working or unemployed at home if that's what interests them.

Whether or not university is a good thing depends what type of person they are - academic or not. Debt, or indeed drinking shouldn't be a consideration, certainly not from someone who won't have to pay the debt back and won't benefit from any salary premium that it may lead to.

And the debt is irrelevant in many cases as most students don't pay it all off and they only have to pay it all back if they end up being high earners.

Student loans should be considered to be a graduate tax not a loan and on middle incomes, the monthly payments will hardly be noticeable (eg rising from nothing on a £25k salary to about £100 pm at £40k).

Honestly genuinely I would leave him. Not just saying that. He sounds awful and selfish and small minded.

Best case you start looking for full time jobs, he can go part time and cover more childcare until they dont need it. But really I'd just leave him.

he is convinced he will die by 65 so he wants 15 years of quality time.

If the inherited money is not a life-changing amount then he's going to have a penny-pinching retirement. Five years of extreme saving (compared to ordinary sensible spending and saving) isn't going make enough difference to live well on for 15 years.

His idea of "quality time" sounds very different from yours (or mine!). He wants to spend the rest of his life staying at home digging his garden and spending nothing. Is that how you want to spend the rest of your life?

In your place I would be preparing for fulltime work and a career of your own. Otherwise five years from now you are going to be five years older, poor, and stuck at home bored out of your mind.

Maybe it's time to switch roles. He could work part-time which would feel a lot like retirement compared to what he does at the moment, and OP could take a turn working full-time.

He has no problem putting money towards a house or deposit for them but he is against uni education because of the debt it incurs and he beleives that you don't education to get a job. He has a semi skilled job which requires no qualifications and he earns an average wage but because he is super careful with his money and doesn't spend it and spends bloody hours on the internet swapping it from account to account his money goes a long way. In some respects we have more disposable income (not that we spend it as all saved for bloody retirement) than my brother and his wife who live in London and earn a 3 figure salary but they spend their money on nights out meals out exotic holidays,and private school fees.

He is lazy retiring at 50 if he cannot provide his family with a decent lifestyle yes...why can't he spend more on making his children's life memerable so he can rtire later.
My sister still moans about my dad's tightness at the age of 39. It marred our childhoods tbh. He visibly resented spending money on us.
Ops husband is lazy AND selfish. Most of us don't want to work but when you have kids to support....tough.

How can you be against uni education? So no-one should be a doctor, lawyer, architect etc? Ridiculous man.

How will his beliefs about university affect your children?

He could refuse to help support them-parent's income is taken into account when loan calculations are made walk
There is an expectation on the part of student loans that parents will contribute.

But you can back uni fees after uni now can’t you?

Tinkly so glad I’m not the only one!

In terms of time, just to say, quality time is the real thing IMHO.

*pay back

None of the people I know in the 50 to 60 age group who are still working (ie. every single one of them) is doing it to acquire more and more stuff. They aren't living to work. They are working because working is productive and good for the soul, makes you a contributor and a participant in society, and they don't want to age 10 years overnight by suddenly having nothing to do any more. And, like op's husband, they still have fairly young children to consider. I guess quite a few of us could retire early if we never spent a penny on non-essentials, but it's hardly any fun for anyone is it?

What outdated ideals he has for a man in his 40s.

There is maintenance Rosa
This is based on parent's income.

I think the childhood he had in the 70's was very different to what today's childhoods are. His dad was a shopkeeper and literally what he sold was what they lived on and his mother was a stay at home mum and she kept their house pristine. Because he had no issues just playing out and colouring and drawing in his room he doesn't understand why today's children need to be out making memories when he has fantastic memories from just playing!!!!

Oh dear, I didn’t know that about loans, it gets worse. Why should parents income be a factor?

Anyway, wouldn’t that be a plusfor the DC if their dad has only pension income?

Agree with pp that family balance could be changed and OP could work longer hours.

My DGM has always said ‘you can’t take it with you’ and I very much follow this. Saving is all well and good but if you suddenly died tomorrow would you not regret enjoying yourself a bit more? I don’t understand people who penny pinch 24/7 and have absolutely no enjoyment in life.

Some fun things are obviously completely free but 11 and 13 year old’s are getting a bit old for those sort of activities I would guess. Of course they want to see their friends and go to the cinema, swimming etc. It is ridiculous to deprive his children purely so he can retire majorly early.

Nextphone “they don't want to age 10 years overnight by suddenly having nothing to do any more“

Are you the ghost of my dad? 😂 I can’t wait to stop work. Dad didn’t know what to do when he stopped at 75. But many people flourish.

It’s not his call on university at all. OTOH, I reckon your call on the yearly fixed ft contracts is limiting you - I’ve done this for years and they often roll over or something else comes up. I’d be terrified I was going to spend the years 50-90 being miserable with your dh, and id be fighting to control my life and my earning potential rather than trying to change him.

You can change you, changing him is harder. You’re leaving half a week of earnings on the table and you could have more fun if you earned more.

Whether or not university is a good thing depends what type of person they are - academic or not.

They don't have to be very academic to need a university education. These days about a third of the population gets a degree or similar, so for many jobs they will be competing with graduates.

spends bloody hours on the internet swapping it from account to account his money goes a long way.

What is he actually doing? Playing the market can make money (or lose it!) but just "swapping accounts" doesn't make much money, so if that's really all he is doing it's just a pastime. Sitting at home on the internet looking at different accounts for hours instead of going out is what makes the money go far. He might as well be doing sudokus.

There is a sliding scale Rosa
Everyone gets their fees paid. Maintenance loan is based on your parent's income as students from lower income families can get higher/maximum loan.
This causes problems for many students (I am a teacher)
Rightly or wrongly there is an assumption that parents help their kids.
Bills I am older than your husband and have worked hard to put my 2 kids and dsd through uni. There is one more child to go.
Please do not let your husband ruin your kids' futures.
I was brought up in the late 60s and early 70s and want my kids to have better than I had.

Do you actually love him/like him and want to stay with him?

You can encourage your dc to grow up and take responsibility for themselves though.
There are two years from 16/18 to get a job to go towards uni, and if parents don't have the money they can't pay it.
Surely you don't carry on working to support your grown up kids, how ridiculous

I don’t think I’m reading the same thread as Bluntness!

working is productive and good for the soul, makes you a contributor and a participant in society

You really have swallowed the bullshit Next. You sound like some communist party member. And your comments are quite ageist and disablist. There are many different ways of being a participant in society.

Still waiting for the approved list of hobbies for fiftysomethings.