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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh said he can tell ds (15months) not to breastfeed.

128 replies

RebornFlame · 06/08/2019 07:38

It’s a bit more complicated than that. Ds is a toddler and when he asks to feed sometimes I say ‘no, later’ if it’s not convient at the time such as if I’m getting ready for work.

Dh chimed in with me this morning saying no to ds when he pointed and pulled at my top.

Completely lightheartedly I said ‘oi you don’t get to say that!’ and he took massive offence saying he’s the parent too and that if he doesn’t want ds to feed at the time he has a right to stop him.

AIBU to think it should always be me that allows or doesn’t allow a feed?

OP posts:
Rtmhwales · 06/08/2019 07:40

Unless it's his breasts he's using to feed DS, no, he doesn't get a say.

Happyspud · 06/08/2019 07:40

Tricky but I can see his point a bit too.

Nanny0gg · 06/08/2019 07:41

He can express (ahem) an opinion to you, preferably away from the toddler. But yes, it's up to you not him.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 06/08/2019 07:42

You didn't say it lightheartedly, you meant it.

You said no, dh backed you up with that, then you scolded him telling him he's not allowed an opinion.

How would you like him doing that to you?

Gatoadigrado · 06/08/2019 07:43

Well obviously it’s up to you but it sounds like your dh was just trying to parent with you, by supporting what you were saying anyway, ie that it’s an unsuitable time to feed. You then jumped on him and he got defensive. I don’t think I would have felt the need to jump on him like that: I would have taken it as him just supporting what you were doing in telling your son he wasn’t going to be able to feed at that moment

Original poster
RebornFlame · 06/08/2019 07:43

He meant at any time he could say no if ds wanted to feed. Not just then when backing me up.

OP posts:
Napqueen1234 · 06/08/2019 07:44

I don’t think he’s being unreasonable you say he chimed in with you so he was just backing you up. If he said no as you said yes then I’d say that is unreasonable. If it was any other area of parenting he’d have equal say and sounds like he was just trying to help!

Original poster
RebornFlame · 06/08/2019 07:45

So people think it’s ok for him to say no to ds feeding even for example I was happy too?

OP posts:
RoLaren · 06/08/2019 07:45

You have hormones a-plenty sloshing around, especially regarding breast feeding. He should interfere with them at his peril. It's not like bottle feeding.

MustardScreams · 06/08/2019 07:45

Well that’s weird. Why does he feel the need to exert control over a baby like that?

adaline · 06/08/2019 07:46

It's tricky - I do kind of see his point though.

Surely if you're busy and DS is asking for milk, your husband has the right to say "no, mummy's busy - you'll have to wait" ?

He's not a newborn and can understand waiting until a more convenient time.

WeirdAndPissedOff · 06/08/2019 07:46

DH doesn't get to overrule you, but if he's backing you up then it's a parenting action, rather than a BF one, if that makes sense?
You've basically told him his input isn't valid, so I can understand his reaction.

IceRebel · 06/08/2019 07:47

He meant at any time he could say no if ds wanted to feed. Not just then when backing me up.

Personally I think he was referring to the situation that had just happened. Also, I don't think your initial response sounds lighthearted, it sounds a lot like you're telling him off.

DifficultPifcultLemonDifficult · 06/08/2019 07:48

But you told him off for backing you up.

It was only after being told he isn't allowed to back his wife up with a parenting decision that he reminded you he's an equal parent too and is allowed to make decisions.

Being told off like that would annoy me too.

HeddaGarbled · 06/08/2019 07:48

But I don’t think he actually would do that, would he? The pair of you have created an argument out of off the cuff remarks. Just drop it.

PixieLumos · 06/08/2019 07:48

It does sound like he was trying to back you up at the time and you were undermining him - I can understand him feeling a bit miffed by that response. But otherwise no he can’t just decide when you can and can’t breastfeed obviously. I’m not convinced that’s really what he meant though.

Gatoadigrado · 06/08/2019 07:49

Reborn- it sounds as though your dh only got defensive because you put him down when all he was doing was good parenting ie: giving your son a consistent message by supporting you.

Why is he ‘not allowed’ to support you by just repeating to your son that it was an unsuitable time to feed? I mean, just why? Sounds like some weird kind of ownership thing you have going on, that means your dh can only support you and give consistent parenting in certain circumstances.

Of course he can’t dictate when your son feeds at other times but it sounds like he understandably got annoyed and made that comment because you spoke to him as if he were a toddler like your son

Beelee · 06/08/2019 07:50

YABU

Lemoneeza · 06/08/2019 07:50

hypothetical arguments tend to spiral out of control and end badly.
it's very unlikely that there would be a scenario where you were willing to feed but dh didn't want you to.

Original poster
RebornFlame · 06/08/2019 07:50

I do understand his point a bit now. He probably felt a bit hurt.

He did make it clear that he felt he could say no at any time but that could have just been hurt talk because I’d pissed him off.

OP posts:
SoyDora · 06/08/2019 07:50

I don’t get why you said anything to him in the first place when he was just backing you up? Were you trying to pick a fight?

PotteringAlong · 06/08/2019 07:51

I breastfed all 3 of mine for 2 years +, so I get the feeding toddlers who can talk thing, and YWBU. He was backing you up in that scenario. But if you’ve introduced good feeding manners, ie not pulling at clothes to get milk, then your DH saying no jUst like you are is fine. Why shouldn’t he?

Zebraaa · 06/08/2019 07:51

@MustardScreams oh here we go... “exert control” Hmm

Fatted · 06/08/2019 07:53

I think he does have a point. He is after all your DC parent as well and has some say if he doesn't think it's the best thing to do.

At 15 months surely your DC should be eating solid meals etc and having a feed five minutes before dinner might not be a good idea. Perhaps he feels now that your DC should only be feeding at certain times in the day, in a similar way that others would only their allow DC to have a dummy at certain times.

Maybe he has heard you saying no to DC and assumed you were trying to knock it on the head, and he has been trying to support you in that decision.

SouthWestmom · 06/08/2019 07:56

I hate being backed up when I don't need to be anyway so I would be pissed off. I don't feel like two people need to say the same thing.

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