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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh said he can tell ds (15months) not to breastfeed.

128 replies

RebornFlame · 06/08/2019 07:38

It’s a bit more complicated than that. Ds is a toddler and when he asks to feed sometimes I say ‘no, later’ if it’s not convient at the time such as if I’m getting ready for work.

Dh chimed in with me this morning saying no to ds when he pointed and pulled at my top.

Completely lightheartedly I said ‘oi you don’t get to say that!’ and he took massive offence saying he’s the parent too and that if he doesn’t want ds to feed at the time he has a right to stop him.

AIBU to think it should always be me that allows or doesn’t allow a feed?

OP posts:
Iggly · 06/08/2019 08:52

Personally I think if he’s asking to be fed and understands when you say no, then there is no need to breastfeed anymore

Why?

Zbag14 · 06/08/2019 08:52

You weren't being lighthearted. He backed you up, and you pretty much laughed in his face. Yabu.

womaninthedark · 06/08/2019 08:54

He certainly does not have a point. Those are not his breasts. His interference demonstrates his sense of ownership of your body. Make a mental note, ignore, move on. Be aware of his attitude in case it surfaces again.

Iggly · 06/08/2019 08:54

Why are people dismissing the bit about the dh saying he could say no whenever he wants to when it comes to BF?

That’s the bit the OP is annoyed at.

BertieBotts · 06/08/2019 08:55

It's all a bit of a triggery clusterfuck of overthinking IME (Assuming he is a decent sort).

It's easy to feel a bit touchy about BF past a year in the UK where the culture doesn't really support this. I know I got to a stage where I felt defensive about it, which is sad.

Also I think it's easy for blokes to get a bit touchy about feeling uninvolved in decisions based around the woman's body. They shouldn't be, but they often are. They end up seeing childbirth or breastfeeding as being "parenting decisions I am excluded from" whereas we see it through the lens of "Things I do with my body relating to children". If they are not controlling sorts themselves, then they do understand this aspect exists and they would not dream of pushing it past the point you were uncomfortable - they just see it as being up for discussion until that point, which can be quite uncomfortable for us, since if you've ever had experience of men trying to control your body (errr pretty much every woman, I think) any suggestion of less than total control over decisions involving your own body is a bit of a trigger for that, even though it's not necessarily what they meant.

In short, apologise for overreacting and move on, but if he's open to listening to why you felt such a strong reaction to the suggestion, talk about it. I think most men just don't know.

If he is a controlling type, don't apologise, it wasn't an overreaction.

Cheby · 06/08/2019 08:56

YANBU. Him backing you up is fine. Him telling your toddler not to feed when he (DH) decides to is not fine.

But it’s not really a problem. Toddler asks for boob. Dad says no. Mum says yes and offers boob. Who do you think the breastfed toddler is going to listen to? 😂

MustardScreams · 06/08/2019 08:58

@Fontofnoknowledge how bloody patronising! So why is your opinion more valid than mine, and why does mine need to be belittled and taken the piss out of?

Gatoadigrado · 06/08/2019 08:59

Iggly no one is ignoring it- we’ve unanimously said of course the dh can’t dictate when the child feeds.

But the point is he wasn’t dictating - he was agreeing with what the mum had just said but for some weird reason she didn’t want him to agree with her!

The OP was clearly looking for an argument. It basically boils down to ‘I said no, but you’re not allowed to!’

Like I said, when it comes to things like the toddler wanting to watch telly or tip all his toys out just as they’re leaving for work, no doubt the OP is more than happy for joint parenting to happen Grin

Mylittlepony374 · 06/08/2019 09:00

YANBU.
My husband has no say over when or if I breastfeed my child. My breasts, my choice.

Pannalash · 06/08/2019 09:02

Always your choice and your choice only OP.

Nanny0gg · 06/08/2019 09:03

Did the OP actually need backing up? Was the DC arguing? Did it need to be two adults v 1 small child? Wasn't the OP managing the situation just fine?

And no, he doesn't get a say in future situations. It's the OPs decision whether she feeds or not.

gamerchick · 06/08/2019 09:04

Also at 15 months your child should be eating solid food and doesn't need milk like a baby does. Any reason for still breast feeding a 15 month old?

Grin gotta love a breastfeeding thread. Bring them all out.

OP they're your boobs and he doesnt get a say. It's NB unfortunate but that's the way it is same as everything else to do with your body. Have a chat with him later.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 06/08/2019 09:05

I don't think either of you should be saying no if your child wants a feed or comfort but he definitely doesn't get to interfere

The child in question is 15 months old. It's ridiculous to expect OP to drop everything when she's trying to get ready for work to BF a child who is getting all the nutrients they need from food and is perfectly capable of waiting.

Iggly · 06/08/2019 09:10

But the point is he wasn’t dictating - he was agreeing with what the mum had just said but for some weird reason she didn’t want him to agree with her!

I read this bit of the OP: that if he doesn’t want ds to feed at the time he has a right to stop him

The dh seemed to take massive offence and kicked off at the OP’s light hearted comment.

Flowerbunxo · 06/08/2019 09:11

You said he chimed in with you so it’s not like you said yes and he said no.

LL83 · 06/08/2019 09:12

If your dc wanted fed and you started getting ready to feed and dh said no he would be very wrong.

Using his initiative and telling DC know when he can see it isn't a good time is being supportive in my opinion and good of him to take a turn saying no do you don't have to always be the bad guy.

AtSea1979 · 06/08/2019 09:13

YABU to say that to your DH. Perhaps he thinks DC should stop breastfeeding altogether? Have you discussed it?

MarshaBradyo · 06/08/2019 09:15

He doesn’t get to have a say in when the op should stop bfding

Flowerbunxo · 06/08/2019 09:17

I don't think either of you should be saying no if your child wants a feed or comfort

Oh for heavens sake. Sometimes it’s not convenient. He’s clearly not starving or else the OP wouldn’t have said no. It’s ridiculous this attitude- OP is the adult. She’s the one feeding him. If she wants to say no for any reason, she can! I’m sure she doesn’t want an 18 month old sucking on her body when she’s getting ready for work although I’m sure precious parents like the person who wrote the above quote don’t understand the real world

Gatoadigrado · 06/08/2019 09:19

Iggly but it clearly wasn’t a light hearted comment was it?

One parent says ‘no’ to their child because they want something at an unsuitable time. Other parent chimes in to support them. It’s called parenting. (And I’m Confused at the posters who say no need for the other parent to support the other... maybe they all have toddlers who do exactly what they’re told first time!!)

The OP for some odd reason doesn’t think her dh should be allowed to support her saying no about feeding. Like she felt she needed to remind him that she’s the one with breasts... like he might not have noticed ... Hmm

LL83 · 06/08/2019 09:19

@MarshaBradyo he can't decide for OP but I would want my husbands opinion, though ultimately my choice. In a partnership he does have a say.

In this case dh said no on one occasion as wife was busy and it was a situation she would normally say no herself. Sounds to me like he was trying to follow her lead/help.

ChocolateCroissants · 06/08/2019 09:20

I'm trying to wean a 2 year old off, he just doesn't want to stop and won't be without me at night, I've been ready to stop a while. Not only will my husband say no, but my mum, my dad and anyone else will chime in. I really couldn't get worked up. My husband will tell me off for "giving in" again I'd not get worked up about it. I think you need to chill out, I can't see what he's done wrong if you are too busy to feed. The only way this would be wrong would be if you wanted to feed and your husband was saying no. He's just backing you up, like my husband does.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 06/08/2019 09:21

Hi OP

Sad to see some of the comments around breastfeeding which wasnt the point of the original post anyway

I think only you can know I f he was being unreasonable here. If he was trying to back you up and reinforce a message to your son that he can only bf when convenient for you and not on demand any more. Do you really think in practice he would try and stop him feeding when youd said it was ok? If not I'd drop it

Isadora2007 · 06/08/2019 09:23

He was being a bit unreasonable following you also being a bit unreasonable. I’d say it was just an overreaction on his part as he was pissed off.
Mind you I’m now thinking I quite often say “no, no milkies!” to my baby grandson when he is nagging at my dd for milk as he is often just snacking and doesn’t really need fed...then won’t feed to sleep as he’s had some milk too early. My daughter doesn’t always listen and feeds anyway but she’d probably say I’m being mean too!

MarshaBradyo · 06/08/2019 09:23

I agree in this situation the op responded badly

But to previous point about discussing when to end completely I’m going to make that decision (thinking about it for 18 month old). I might ask for his support to wean instead though, ie distraction etc she forgets about it when I’m not around