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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Dh said he can tell ds (15months) not to breastfeed.

128 replies

RebornFlame · 06/08/2019 07:38

It’s a bit more complicated than that. Ds is a toddler and when he asks to feed sometimes I say ‘no, later’ if it’s not convient at the time such as if I’m getting ready for work.

Dh chimed in with me this morning saying no to ds when he pointed and pulled at my top.

Completely lightheartedly I said ‘oi you don’t get to say that!’ and he took massive offence saying he’s the parent too and that if he doesn’t want ds to feed at the time he has a right to stop him.

AIBU to think it should always be me that allows or doesn’t allow a feed?

OP posts:

newmomof1 · 06/08/2019 07:57

YABU. He was just being supportive and if you're busy then yes, he can tell DS it's not a suitable time.

It's not like you said no then DH said 'yes DS, you can have some milk now'

Gatoadigrado · 06/08/2019 07:59

If your toddler is doing something else that’s not suitable at a particular time (eg wanting to empty out the toy box just as you’re trying to leave for work) is your dh allowed to say no to him? How is that different? The scenario you describe was clearly about the unsuitability of that particular time, and your dh was just parenting with you as any good parent does. You then put him down, presumably because you were fixated on the fact that you are the one with a pair of breasts rather than on the actual parenting in the situation

SunshineCake · 06/08/2019 08:02

I don't think either of you should be saying no if your child wants a feed or comfort but he definitely doesn't get to interfere.

Disfordarkchocolate · 06/08/2019 08:02

I'd have been pissed off, and would have told him so when we were alone. He's being a knob.

IceRebel · 06/08/2019 08:05

He's being a knob.

For saying no. Then surely the OP is also a knob when she says no?

MarshaBradyo · 06/08/2019 08:08

He was helping you out in this instance then probably said the next thing because of your reaction

Without the backing you up thing then no it’s not his decision if you’re happy to do it

MustardScreams · 06/08/2019 08:08

@Zebraaa well what is he doing then? Who feels the need to say they can say no to a toddler receiving food or comfort anytime they want? That’s strange in my book.

SoyDora · 06/08/2019 08:09

I don't think either of you should be saying no if your child wants a feed or comfort but he definitely doesn't get to interfere

So the OP should drop everything at any time if he wants a feed? Even if she’s in the middle of something important? Should she rush home from work if he expresses to the person caring for him that he wants a breastfeed? From the gym? From a class? From an evening out with friends? In the middle of a meal?

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 06/08/2019 08:09

It's your body, your decision.

Your DH is well out of line and I'd be having serious words with him if I was his wife.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 06/08/2019 08:09

It's your body, your decision.

Your DH is well out of line and I'd be having serious words with him if I was his wife.

Zebraaa · 06/08/2019 08:11

@MustardScreams the OP said no and the father backed her up. Is OP exerting control over the child too?!

Dandelion1993 · 06/08/2019 08:11

This isn't about who's breasts they are and so on

Your DH backed you up (as every parenting team should) and you shot him down.

He's right to be annoyed.

PapaShango · 06/08/2019 08:13

MustardScreams

Ffs, knew someone would be in here to talk about ‘control’.

Op, I think you hurt his feelings a bit. He was trying to back you up and you told him off. He then got defensive and said he has a right to say no whenever he likes. I’m sure he wouldn’t follow through with it. It was just a heat-of-the-moment comment.

MustardScreams · 06/08/2019 08:13

@Zebraaa but it wasn’t just backing her up? Have you read the thread? He then went on to say he could say no to their ds any time he wanted, even if op was fine with feeding at that time. I’m all for support, but saying he could tell ds no to a feed whenever he wanted is weird.

Zebraaa · 06/08/2019 08:15

@MustardScreams she added that on as a drip feed because people weren’t agreeing with her point of view...

Praiseyou · 06/08/2019 08:18

If you take the breastfeeding out of it, is he not allowed to have a say in what the child eats?

My dc wasn't breastfed but at that age if he wanted a bottle of milk and we were due to have dinner in the next half hour or so, dh would say dc couldn't have the milk.

I think yabu.

MustardScreams · 06/08/2019 08:19

@Zebraaa no, in the op it says her dh says he has a right to stop him? Errr no he doesn’t, that’s not being supportive, that’s weird.

bobstersmum · 06/08/2019 08:20

If your ds was wanting to feed at a time when he normally would, therefore relying on your milk because he was hungry or thirsty then yes he was being unreasonable. If ds was just pestering then I can see his point BUT ultimately you get the last say!

pinkdelight · 06/08/2019 08:20

Agree with zebra. For some reason you got power trippy on him and he asserted his agency. Doesn't mean he ever has or would do that, but OP was out of order telling him off over some weird perceived threat to her territory and so they both got unreasonable.

Gatoadigrado · 06/08/2019 08:20

MustardScreams you’re missing the point. We’re all agreed that it’s not up to the dad about when the mum chooses to bf. But this wasn’t about that because SHE had already said no to their child and he was simply reinforcing that. That’s called parenting together. Just like if they were about to leave for work and the child started taking his clothes off, or putting on the tv. I suspect the OP would have been quite happy for some joint parenting in those scenarios. But weirdly she wanted to make this about her breasts rather than the situation, so chose to put down the child’s dad

MustardScreams · 06/08/2019 08:23

@Gatoadigrado I’m not missing the point at all. If he’d just been backing op up there wouldn’t be an issue. It’s the fact he went on to say he has a right to tell ds when he can and can’t feed and that he can say it anytime.

If people don’t see that as controlling then you have a much higher threshold than I do. But I certainly wouldn’t be putting up with someone telling me or my child when the deemed it acceptable to feed.

IceRebel · 06/08/2019 08:26

But I certainly wouldn’t be putting up with someone telling me or my child when the deemed it acceptable to feed.

But the OP herself tells her child that it's not an acceptable time to feed. Why is it ok for her to say no, but not for the child's father to do the same?

Gatoadigrado · 06/08/2019 08:29

MustardScreams- the OP has now admitted that he probably just said this because she put him down. He hasn’t actually told their son not to feed in any other situation - only when the OP had already said no. So if you think that’s controlling then you must think the OP is being controlling too

SconeofDestiny · 06/08/2019 08:30

Don’t worry OP, in a few months time, it will be DH he wants more than you and you’ll both need to learn to support each other to co-parent him and not play the competitive ‘I’m the best parent’ game.

Sparklynails77 · 06/08/2019 08:32

YABU
Your DH is your son's parent too so he has a right to make parenting decisions as much as you do. Also at 15 months your child should be eating solid food and doesn't need milk like a baby does. Any reason for still breast feeding a 15 month old?

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