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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dh said he can tell ds (15months) not to breastfeed.

128 replies

RebornFlame · 06/08/2019 07:38

It’s a bit more complicated than that. Ds is a toddler and when he asks to feed sometimes I say ‘no, later’ if it’s not convient at the time such as if I’m getting ready for work.

Dh chimed in with me this morning saying no to ds when he pointed and pulled at my top.

Completely lightheartedly I said ‘oi you don’t get to say that!’ and he took massive offence saying he’s the parent too and that if he doesn’t want ds to feed at the time he has a right to stop him.

AIBU to think it should always be me that allows or doesn’t allow a feed?

OP posts:
ASundayWellSpent · 06/08/2019 09:25

I think its good to have his back up if you have agreed previously. And for your little one it would be helpful to have a clear line of when its ok and when its not, rather than randomly saying "not now" sometimes. When I started weaning my DD2 at 2 we had the pjs rule, once she was in her pjs, bedtime, during the night, morning was feeding time. Once we got ready for the day no more feeding til bedtime. I would think having someone else to back that up would be very helpful and consistent and take the pressure off you to always monitor that particular behaviour. He's not a mind reader though

DickKerrLadies · 06/08/2019 09:33

Breastfeeding is a two way relationship between a child and it's mother.

My breasts, my body, my choice. My DH does not get to decide that.

When we were nightweaning at around 18 months/2 years (when they stopped going straight back to sleep after feeding in the night!) we tackled that together but still he never no to the toddler.

Sometimes I had to say no because it was too early in the evening and there was no way I was letting them go to sleep at that time!

CoolcoolcoolcoolcoolNoDoubt · 06/08/2019 09:36

Surely he was just trying to support you?

newmomof1 · 06/08/2019 09:38

@Isadora2007 you're much more unreasonable that either the OP or her DH...

Vanillelle · 06/08/2019 09:43

I think it's a nuanced thing - I don't think he has any right to make the decision for you, and he shouldn't contradict you. But I think it's fine for him to back up what you've already decided by saying no to your son if you have.

It depends on whether he's supporting you or challenging you. It sounds like in this occasion he was supporting you, but also that he thinks he has the right to challenge you. If that's true, I can see why you disagree with his attitude.

Zebraaa · 06/08/2019 09:43

@Isadora2007 that would be exerting control and a red flag to some of the women on here Grin

Gatoadigrado · 06/08/2019 09:43

Help us out here OP!

In other situations eg: if the toddler whines for another biscuit, or wants to get his toys out as you’re about to leave for work- do you tell your DH he’s not allowed to say no?

Because if the answer is no, then surely you can see that you made this into an issue it didn’t need to be, by making it about you and your breasts. Which is a shame because bf should be a totally natural normalised thing.

Original poster
RebornFlame · 06/08/2019 09:44

I think I made it into an issue when it wasn’t one.

OP posts:
Iwrotethissongfor · 06/08/2019 09:45

@Sparklynails77 any reason for still breastfeeding a 15 month old? Is this a genuine question? The benefits of breastfeeding beyond a year both for the child and the mother (reduction of ovarian and breast cancer, liver and heart issues etc and are dose related i.e. the more you feed the better your protection) past the first year are established and widely publicised. It’s hard to miss this information. So it sounds really bizarre and frankly stupid to ask amother if there’s any reason why she’s doing something that’s great for her and her child’s health and well-being. i imagine you still feed/fed your 15 month old cow’s milk. I find it hard to understand how perverse some people’s approach to infant feeding is - it’s better and more normal to be on a cow mother’s milk rather the perfectly calibrated custom made human milk of their mother with antibodies etc?

Iggly · 06/08/2019 09:55

If you think it’s a non issue then why start the thread?
Something made you think that you didn’t like what he said/implied - so I would speak to him just to clarify. Then all doubt is removed.

A lot of times in these sorts of instances, a conversation is the best option.

chocolatemademefat · 06/08/2019 09:58

I’m with you. None of his business. Your breasts your decision.

PixieLumos · 06/08/2019 10:03

I think I made it into an issue when it wasn’t one.

It does sound like it. You know your DH best at the end of the day - do you really think he was serious about telling you and your son when you can feed? Or did he just say it out of frustration and probably word it the wrong way? I reckon it’s the latter, in which case let it go - life’s too short.

Gatoadigrado · 06/08/2019 10:04

Good on you OP for admitting you made an issue out of nothing here Smile

Isatis · 06/08/2019 10:05

The trouble with claiming that he has a right to stop his child feeding if he doesn't want him to, is that the corollary is that he also has a right to say when his child should breastfeed. The reasons why that would be totally unacceptable are obvious, so the reverse also applies.

Jellybeansincognito · 06/08/2019 10:08

He was backing you? You say no, why isn’t he allowed?

museumum · 06/08/2019 10:09

Nice to see you’ve reflected in it OP.

To those who have said “your breasts your choice” I actually think at 15mo that what your child does when is a valid topic for joint parenting decisions. If my dh had been in the middle of something with my ds I would never use my breast feeding to overrule and interrupt his parenting.

newmomof1 · 06/08/2019 10:10

@Iggly because she didn't think it was a non-issue which is why she asked if she was being unreasonable...

LightDrizzle · 06/08/2019 10:12

I think your knee jerk reaction to your DH saying “Not now” to your son was pretty stinging actually.
You say it yourself to your son at such times, DH was only following your lead and backing you up.
How would you feel/ have felt if DS goes through a daddy phase, as often happens, when he only settles for daddy or wants daddy to put him to bed and you pop your head round the door to say something like “Yes. Time for sleep now darling” - and your DH jumps in with “Oy! You don’t get to say that!”

Yes, they are your breasts and only you can feed him, but your response was territorial and excluding him.
If he’d said it months back, and at a time both you and baby were wanting to feed and it was only an inconvenience to DH, then I’d be baying for his blood. However this sounds very different.
It would definitely have stung me in his shoes.
When I clicked on the thread I was expecting to be outraged on your behalf.
I think an apology would really be helpful here as he is probably a bit wounded.

Sweeptheleg · 06/08/2019 10:29

YABU, he can parent too.

cdtaylornats · 06/08/2019 10:39

It's a setup - five years from now and you ask him to make the kids tea, he says no that you told him quite clearly that was down to you alone and he shouldn't interfere.

ohcanada · 06/08/2019 10:50

I would cut him some slack.

Most men will have NEVER had a conversation about breastfeeding, or really heard first hand from a woman what it means to them, how it makes them feel, what the boundaries are.

This is an opportunity to talk to him about it, and explain exactly how you feel in a calm conversational way. No need to turn into anything more serious than that.

DickKerrLadies · 06/08/2019 11:44

I actually think at 15mo that what your child does when is a valid topic for joint parenting decisions.

Obviously. But this isn't just about what the child is doing, it's about what the mother is doing. I decide when I breastfeed, not my toddler, not my DH.

Original poster
RebornFlame · 06/08/2019 13:40

A lot of assumptions are being made by some posters. That I am controlling, that I want to do all the parenting, that my comment wasn’t actually lighthearted. All that because I chose what I do with one part of parenting that happens to be the one that is completely to do with my own body. That is my own body. It is just incomparable to saying, back to sleep or no more ice cream etc.

I think some people are also deliberately missing the point that I’m very happy to be backed up but less happy with dh saying he has a right to tell ds he can’t feed when I happy for him to feed. This is totally hypothetical and no such situation has come up which is why I was annoyed and shocked he said it. I’m fairly sure it was said in the heat of the moment.

As for the anti breastfeeding a toddler comments I’m not in the least bit surprised. We live in a bottle feeding culture and people wouldn’t bat an eyelid at a bottle feeding toddler but feel their negative opinion is needed when they see a breastfed one. It’s bizarre!

OP posts:
Original poster
RebornFlame · 06/08/2019 13:43

I still stand by my earlier point that I think we were snipeing at each other this morning and the whole conversation we had was blown into something unessassery and that he just said something negative as he felt stung.

I just had to address some of the YABU keyboard warrior types.

OP posts:
WellThisIsShit · 06/08/2019 14:45

“I still stand by my earlier point that I think we were snipeing at each other this morning and the whole conversation we had was blown into something unessassery and that he just said something negative as he felt stung.”

Very sensible @RebornFlame Smile