To think that men shouldn't come into breastfeeding rooms

[Lycidas]

I occasionally use the John Lewis feeding room (mainly for the delightful motion of the rocking chair), and I've noticed that men tend to enter quite often in order to chat to their partners, even when there are other women feeding in there. There are three chairs in total. The feeding area is separated from the wider changing room by a curtain, which suggests that there should be some degree of privacy for self-conscious women.

Fair enough, the men who tend to go in will make a conscious effort to just face their partners, but I still find it mildly uncomfortable to have them in there, and a distraction from the whole experience tbh, looking up, covering just 'in case', which I don't particularly want to be doing in a changing room. If I wanted to be faffing about with a muslin I may well just feed outside as normal.

AIBU?

No shop is obligated to provide these rooms so I think people moaning about the use of them should consider how unfortunate it would be if they were removed because the shop couldn’t be doing with the agro it created!

I've read many posts on here by women who don't want to breast feed in front of their ILs never mind men that they don't know. If everybody were so comfortable breastfeeding anywhere they could sit in comfort, why do shops sell breastfeeding covers? It must be common for many women to feel awkward feeding in public or they'd sit in the cafe with a drink? I think therefore it's not unreasonable to assume that the breastfeeding room should be a female only area. Do people really think that religious women should stay home until baby is weaned?

In this case the room is called a feeding room so bottlefeeding Dads are obviously included by JL but if it's a breastfeeding room then that's a female area IMO.

“Women, budge up. Make space for men because they are more important than you”

YANBU OP. I think if you’re in a feeding room, then there’s a good chance you’re maybe not that comfortable feeding in public and therefore have sought out a quiet, private space.

When my DS was under 8 weeks or so I couldn’t breastfeed him discreetly- he had silent reflux, and positioning him was a nightmare that usually involved cushions and full boob exposure at home. So I used feeding rooms because I wanted privacy. Nowadays (he’s 21 months) he’s an old hand but boy, we’re things different at the start.

I really don't understand why it is so so important for some people that men have unrestrained access to these spaces.

OP has described it. It is a tiny, curtained-off area that is part of a bigger parent room. It does not have changing facilities, bottle warmers, entertainment for other children, built-in TV or anything. It has chairs and a curtain and that's it. It's not like they're being shut out of the Ritz.

Just why is it so so very important that your Nigel can pop in there for a chat, when there must be ten thousand other places you can sit and feed while chatting to him? One tiny curtained-off area for women who prefer privacy, the entire rest of the shop/shopping centre/town/city for those who don't mind. Why is it such an imposition to ask that blokes don't come in that one space for a chinwag?

The time for support isn't in private female communal spaces. Support in that instance is female only.

Are those women who need male partner support in this instance so helpless that they can do nothing without their male partner being there? How suffocating for the male partner. How disrespectful to the wishes of other people there.

His support is needed when you go back to work and he is able to be trusted to look after the children properly and not be seen as a great guy because he knows where the towels are kept. Or a babysitter. I'm sure men can look after children and young babies properly. I'm also sure they understand the need for females to breastfeed their children in privacy.

Why would anyone want or need their partner in there anyway. I genuinely don’t understand that.

Smithecat2 my suggestion of painful and traumatic breastfeeding was really aimed at those who think we should just allow the men in or stay home to feed.

Sorry I should've made that clear instead of the garbled bit I wrote. I'm becoming increasingly frustrated that some people appear to not be able to think of anything other than their own experience, the lack of empathy is astounding.

Agreed placemates. How do these women who 'need support' manage when their husband or partner isn't around and their baby needs a feed?

No I don't think men need to be in there, I'd assume that a mother feeding in a curtained off area is looking for a little privacy while breastfeeding.

I think you’ll find that the “ support “ these men are offering is playing on their phones.

Years ago I spend 3 weeks in a children’s hospital with my very poorly toddler. The children on the ward (ie the patients ) would be watching CBeebies when the men would arrive for visiting ( to “ support “ their wives ) , turn over the Tv to football and plonk themselves down in front of it.

@CitadelsofScience you're right, the lack of empathy is the most disappointing aspect. It's not a nice trait to have.

I'd have given short shrift to anyone who asked him to leave, why shouldn't he be there?

Er - because he was making women feel uncomfortable. Women's feelings matter. Men have had it their way for centuries, time they backed off a bit and had some consideration.

He'd feel totally comfortable if it was a general feeding room if he was using the bottle station and feeding and another woman happened to be breastfeeding

It's not about how he feels, FFS. It's about how the woman feels. Maybe she doesn't want him there while she's feeding. He should show consideration and realise men's needs are not paramount. Although some posters in here seem to come from the 1950s with the way they defer.

Why would anyone want or need their partner in there anyway. I genuinely don’t understand that.

Other than a woman whose partner is also a carer on whom she's dependent, me neither.

Clearly reasonable accomodation for disabled people. So perhaps men allowed when accompanying a disabled person. Is this how its done when there is no disabled toilet? But that doesnt mean all men all the time.

If you were bottle feeding why would you choose to sit 3ft from a nappy bin to feed your baby?
Truthfully I’d rather bf on a park bench than in a shit stinking communal baby room.
You have to be pretty serious about needing privacy to feed in such a space

That's exactly my thinking. And I'm fairly sure that the curtain was put there for BFing mum's privacy.

I can see these rooms disappear if they become seen as a communal space. The women who fought for them and the women who need them will loose out.

Oh and for the occasional junky who wants to shoot up, please use somewhere other than BFing rooms. Not seen it but certainly heard of it.

Re pubs being man only, many pubs had a Bar (men only) and a Lounge (women / couples).
Women wouldn't enter a Bar, Bars generally only had male loos - just to discourage the females!
The barriers have shifted, somewhat. Although there are a few 'old man's pubs' still around.

This thread sums up why women dont breast feed exclusively and extensively in the uk

Genuinely this wouldn’t have been a conversation 10 years ago. No one would have thought it remotely sane to contradict the notion that baby feeding rooms were facilities provided for women where men generally should not go.
Somewhere along the line we’ve become uncomfortable with the idea that in some circumstances, women come first, and men have to tolerate the (minor in this instance) inconveniences that come with that.

The women who fought for them and the women who need them will loose out

Plus ca change.

I chose to bottle feed both my DC. My DH used feeding rooms when he had our babies solo (we took shared parental leave and he also works part time, like me).

I agree people not feeding shouldn't be taking up seats and space, but if a dad needs to feed his baby, why shouldn't they have access to the same space? I don't think segregation is necessary.

but if a dad needs to feed his baby, why shouldn't they have access to the same space?

Why would a dad need privacy to bottle feed a baby?

I see the situation as not usually the men pushing for access to women's spaces, but certain women feeling entitled to impose their dh/dp on others when it is just not appropriate and flies in the face of good manners. The bottom line is that they are selfish .

On this thread, and ones about men staying overnight in maternity wards, we see time and time again posters whining that they need their dp for "support" and cite all sorts of issues. Anyone not comfortable with the poster's dh at close quarters can take a running jump. They just don't care .

The support issue also gets my goat. Sil and bil are "mutally supportive" !?! This included bil coming to a women's spa day and sitting in his anorak in the middle of various women in bath robes. He was asked to sit in the foyer. Some people have zero radar and perhaps zero regard for others' sensibilities.

One also wonders how much support these women who want their partner's in get when it's a 12.30am feed, a 3.00am feed, and a 5.30am feed.

Aren't these feeding rooms? So open to all?
They're also in the same category as Parent and child parking spaces. Nice to have but not an entitlement.

but if a dad needs to feed his baby, why shouldn't they have access to the same space? I don't think segregation is necessary

Because he wouldn’t be having to get his breasts out would be? He can feed his baby quite comfortably in the cafe or other seating area.