To think that men shouldn't come into breastfeeding rooms

[Lycidas]

I occasionally use the John Lewis feeding room (mainly for the delightful motion of the rocking chair), and I've noticed that men tend to enter quite often in order to chat to their partners, even when there are other women feeding in there. There are three chairs in total. The feeding area is separated from the wider changing room by a curtain, which suggests that there should be some degree of privacy for self-conscious women.

Fair enough, the men who tend to go in will make a conscious effort to just face their partners, but I still find it mildly uncomfortable to have them in there, and a distraction from the whole experience tbh, looking up, covering just 'in case', which I don't particularly want to be doing in a changing room. If I wanted to be faffing about with a muslin I may well just feed outside as normal.

AIBU?

@jacques

If men are kept away from breastfeeding women then it won’t be normal for them. Breastfeeding should be normalised for everyone.

So this has been a somewhat enlightening and at times frustrating read (and yes, I did go through the whole thread!)

Like I mentioned, I don't think the room isn't called anything specific. Others have described communal 'feeding rooms' with bottle warmers etc - this definitely isn't one of them. There's just a baby changing area and then a TINY space with three rocking chairs, separated by a curtain. No bottle warmers or anything of the sort, hence I assumed it was for breastfeeding. I'm not sure how I would have reacted if I'd seen a man in there quietly bottle feeding a distractible baby. I'd probably have been more sympathetic. So far, all I've seen are men in there chatting to their breastfeeding partners, which seems unnecessary and surely undermines the function of a quiet space anyway (if you're breast OR bottle feeding in a curtained-off area, the last thing you need to hear is someone standing there and nattering away).

And yes yes yes to those saying that partners can and should find other ways of occupying themselves. Too often I see women assume that their men need to be 'babysat' in such situations...there's plenty to do elsewhere. Again, if the room is completely empty, MAYBE it's OK to pop in, but would expect most men to have the courtesy to leave once another women enters.

Ditto to many of the other comments on the importance of affording women some choice - the comfort to feed in public, and alternative options for those who are more self-conscious. For me, breastfeeding in the early days was very difficult to do discreetly - my breasts were highly engorged, I had flat nipples, I struggled to get a proper latch (would often have to latch and unlatch multiple times). So yes, sometimes it did mean that my boobs were out far more than I would have wanted them to be. Having such places available was a huge relief. I still use a muslin cloth/cover when feeding outside, but not when I'm in the feeding room.

Women don’t only feed in breastfeeding rooms

This will account for a very small amount of feeding but is needed for those who struggle or simply do not want to feed in front of men they do not know

Women are not responsible for men feeling that breastfeeding is normal - they are able to do that themselves

@Sadiesnakes

'not my Nigels'... brilliant 😂

Why does a man bottle feeding need curtained privacy? He's not exposing part of his body. Surely a seat is enough, and those can be found elsewhere.

It’s designed to be unisex which is why the breastfeeding pods are seperated by curtains from the rest of the space: if you don’t like it then don’t use it

The whole point of the thread is that the OP uses the private space behind the curtain and men wander in for a chat.

At least read the OP even if you don't bother with anything else.

Quite striking the level of discomfort some women clearly feel at the proposition that women have the option for feeding privately or in public, as they choose. If this strikes you as an excessive or unreasonable demand, I would gently suggest that you need to have a little look at your own internalised assumptions, before criticising other people.
Men don’t have to be at the centre of everything, you know. The planet is ours too.

If the man isn’t actually actively feeding a baby he has no business in there. I can accept a man bottle feeding and keeping himself busy with a baby. Just sitting there taking up space - no way!

Why does a man bottle feeding need curtained privacy? He's not exposing part of his body.

Because wah wah not fair apparently.

Fascinated that so many posters think that all women surrendering privacy is a reasonable price to demand in return for those happy to feed in public being tolerated (and lets face it - it is only tolerated).

Tulips it's not women's jobs to make a man see breastfeeding as normal, it's their responsibility.

And as for 'not my Nigels', that's the best phrase ever 😂

There's just a baby changing area and then a TINY space with three rocking chairs, separated by a curtain

I agree with you OP. Sadly it doesn’t matter how tiny or basic it is - there are some men who just can’t allow women to have ANYTHING for themselves or to exist anywhere not in their control. And unfortunately there are some women who are so brainwashed or afraid of men that they agree.

Succinctly put morven. I agree.

I do get what you mean but if there's not a special room around, you would just do it with men around. No need for a cover, especially in the warmer months.

@M0RVEN

🙌. Yep. That.

@citadel

Absolutely it’s not women’s responsibility. However I enjoy and am proud to live in a culture where women and men aren’t segregated because I think segregation is harmful to women and to men. Saying to a man that he can’t sit with his partner as she feeds in a feeding room seems ott to me. I don’t think that helps women or society as a whole.

I realise this is one of those threads where views are entrenched however

If a man wants to sit with his breastfeeding partner he can, in the 99.9999999. % of the worlds space not set aside for breastfeeding mothers. It’s really not that hard to grasp, is it?

Saying to a man that he can’t sit with his partner as she feeds in a feeding room seems ott to me. I don’t think that helps women or society as a whole.

if a woman wants to breastfeed with her partner she can feed anywhere. Literally, anywhere. As I did. If she prefers to feed somewhere private she should be able to do that without your creepy partner who is apparently entirely happy to shove himself into women only spaces.

However I enjoy and am proud to live in a culture where women and men aren’t segregated because I think segregation is harmful to women and to men. Saying to a man that he can’t sit with his partner as she feeds in a feeding room seems ott to me. I don’t think that helps women or society as a whole

Yes @TulipsTulipsTulips. One of the reasons our society is in such a mess is that I can’t go into the men’s loos at work and chat to my male colleague while he has a shit. Segregation is so evil.

So Tulip you do feel a mans right to be by the side of his partner and her right to want him their trumps another woman’s who feels she needs privacy when feeding and may only want to be around those who can and might feel the same

Women in societies that have a lot of male/female separation do often feed in public particularly poorer societies as these societies do not feel women have the right to even request such spaces so you argument falls flat

Tulips but we do live in a partially segregated society, changing rooms, public toilets, women's wards in hospitals, prisons etc.

A breastfeeding woman should also be afforded that safe space to feed her child without men feeling the need to be in there. They have all the time at home to be able to be part of the winding, burping and nappy change times.

Clearly not all family rooms/feeding spaces are created the same, they dont all have separate curtained off areas, they aren't all exclusively for breastfeeding people. Judging by the comments on here there are as many different types of space available as there are opinions on mumsnet! Some people will be comfortable with both genders there, some people wont. Some people need the support of a partner, some people dont. Why does it so often turn into a slanging match or assumptions about peoples motives.

I found breastfeeding easy.

A woman who needs privacy for her breastfeeding for sure trumps my right to want to sit and chat to my husband whilst feeding.

I can - and did - breastfeed anywhere. When I wanted a sit down and to use the feeding room, it is only right to consider how my actions impinge on others who might not feel able to breastfeed elsewhere.

No, they shouldn’t be. But without having RTFT I suspect there will be loads of posts about women who need their partners for “support”, the same “fuck you” attitude to other women that is displayed on posts about men hanging around like unwelcome spare pricks in breastfeeding groups and overnight on post natal wards.

Clearly not all family rooms/feeding spaces are created the same, they dont all have separate curtained off areas, they aren't all exclusively for breastfeeding people. Judging by the comments on here there are as many different types of space available as there are opinions on mumsnet! Some people will be comfortable with both genders there, some people wont. Some people need the support of a partner, some people dont. Why does it so often turn into a slanging match or assumptions about peoples motives.

Great! Thanks for summarizing this thread. Very helpful.

Remind me why you are here again?

@LatteLove

Sadly, your suspicions are indeed spot on.