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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

To think that men shouldn't come into breastfeeding rooms

999 replies

Lycidas · 05/08/2019 23:15

I occasionally use the John Lewis feeding room (mainly for the delightful motion of the rocking chair), and I've noticed that men tend to enter quite often in order to chat to their partners, even when there are other women feeding in there. There are three chairs in total. The feeding area is separated from the wider changing room by a curtain, which suggests that there should be some degree of privacy for self-conscious women.

Fair enough, the men who tend to go in will make a conscious effort to just face their partners, but I still find it mildly uncomfortable to have them in there, and a distraction from the whole experience tbh, looking up, covering just 'in case', which I don't particularly want to be doing in a changing room. If I wanted to be faffing about with a muslin I may well just feed outside as normal.

AIBU?

OP posts:
LadyStigma · 06/08/2019 09:48

@LolaSmiles yeah no that’s my bad I really didn’t read it properly, idiot me for having 2 hours sleep.
I do however stand by men should be allowed in. I found breastfeeding some daunting the first 4 months and needed my partner for comfort.

NaturalBornWoman · 06/08/2019 09:49

But if it’s ‘not sexual’ then why would you have a problem with a man being there?

Using the lavatory isn't sexual either but men still put covert cameras in women's rooms. Why can't you just accept that some women prefer to breastfeed in a male free environment and respect their boundaries?

LolaSmiles · 06/08/2019 09:49

Also how often does one happen to be in John Lewis feeding a baby? Presumably an involved dad can be as involved as he likes at home. Surely when out in public occasionally in a quiet area with other women a father can loitre elsewhere?
People will often call into department stores with feeding areas specifically to feed.

There's a broader feeding/changing room in the OP and the breastfeeding area was curtained off. An involved father or a father who needs to feed baby or change a nappy can do all of those things (and rightly so) without sitting in the breastfeeding area.

CitadelsofScience · 06/08/2019 09:50

LadyStigma you've demonstrated perfectly why people should read the full bloody thread. Your comment is useless because the rest of us have read the full thread.

Sadiesnakes · 06/08/2019 09:50

@LolaSmiles yeah no that’s my bad I really didn’t read it properly, idiot me for having 2 hours sleep.
I do however stand by men should be allowed in. I found breastfeeding some daunting the first 4 months and needed my partner for comfort.

Well once you felt comfort that's grand. To hell with anyone else and their comfort or privacy.

ArgumentativeAardvaark · 06/08/2019 09:51

i used one of these rooms in a Tesco (good few years ago now) when we were out for a family day and got our timings/route planning wrong. I didn't use them regularly and was in a town and a shop i didn't know. My DH did come in with me and i remember feeling safer for it.

You need your husband there to feel safe in a “strange” branch of Tesco? For goodness sake! Woman up!

LadyStigma · 06/08/2019 09:53

Hold my hands up! Totally half sleeping and not took this in properly. idiot me A separate section for feeding is different. Unless there’s a bottle warmer or an new and scared breastfeeder who needs their partner.

Rubbinghimsweetly2 · 06/08/2019 09:54

You can't have it both ways. It's only a boob.

StressyDressyHeels · 06/08/2019 09:55

They are not specifically for female use.

Agreed nothing inherently female about breastfeeding.... Hmm

LadyStigma · 06/08/2019 09:55

@Sadiesnakes if someone else voiced their uncomfortable with my partner being there he wouldn’t be there. It’s as simple as speaking out. Most men would leave if someone voiced they weren’t okay with it.

S1naidSucks · 06/08/2019 09:55

Those people (women) who feed their babies with their breasts, should have their privacy and dignity respected ABOVE those who don’t, especially those who have NEVER actually had breasts (men). Women have a RIGHT to feel comfortable with exposing their bodies and no man or woman had the right to tell them they have no right to those feelings. I’m sick of this steady mockery and erosion of women’s rights to say NO!

CornishMaid1 · 06/08/2019 09:56

I think it depends on the room layout. If it is a communal feeding room, then I would expect men to be in there as fathers need to feed their babies as well (don't forget there are fathers who are the primary carers for young children).

If the feeding room is split so there is a communal area and then a separate curtained off area specifically for breastfeeding then I do not think men need to be in there. The only exception is for new mothers as I can understand that the initial worry, especially for those who have difficulties with the feeding, may want the extra support.

I do think those who have feeding rooms with a communal area and individual areas/pods for each person sounds like a great compromise to give privacy to those who need in and to allow those who want the support to have that.

Lemonlady22 · 06/08/2019 09:57

I think partners are ok. Women breast feeding in public has been a big thing with women wanting the freedom to do this which is great but you cant have it both ways and say a partner cant be present when a mum goes to a feeding room. Surely its still done discreetly in there and you are not all sat about with boobs flopped out everywhere?

53rdWay · 06/08/2019 09:57

an new and scared breastfeeder who needs their partner

If you need your partner there when you're breastfeeding, it would make sense to breastfeed somewhere that isn't the curtained-off areas reserved for women who feel the need for privacy. John Lewis cafe is great, join the rest of us feeding in there.

IrmaFayLear · 06/08/2019 09:58

Not everyone is a super-confident bfeeder and, you know, some of these women might be the ones in there without their partner. All these scared bfeeders having to take a dh in with them... they are entitled . The issue has absolutely nothing to do with fathers bonding etc etc, and everything to do with some people being me me me and to hell with anyone else's feelings.

ErrolTheDragon · 06/08/2019 09:59

if someone else voiced their uncomfortable with my partner being there he wouldn’t be there. It’s as simple as speaking out. Most men would leave if someone voiced they weren’t okay with it.

I think that puts the onus the wrong way round. Why not just ask if it's ok rather than assume?

StressyDressyHeels · 06/08/2019 10:00

@OvO

Having read your posts I can’t understand your need to use the breastfeeding rooms at all? You have cited “comfy chairs” comfy chairs are not unique to the breastfeeding rooms, they are all over. The unique thing about the breastfeeding room is privacy. Your needs can be meet in a multitude of other places and unlike the need for privacy of a breastfeeding mother who cannot go to another place if your husband is encroaching.

I say this as the parent of a disabled child. It’s not that I don’t understand the needs of disabled people, but yours is not met by this room.

Celebelly · 06/08/2019 10:00

Flopped. Another one ticked off on the bingo card.

DramaRamaLlama · 06/08/2019 10:00

Im 36, soon to be a first time mum. Im struggling to think of any womens spaces that existed in the past that dont anymore. Can anyone enlighten me?

And I'm a few years older than you and had my first DC 15 years ago. Even then there were plenty of BF rooms but they've disappeared and by the time I finished BF my youngest 5 years ago they'd all but disappeared under the banner of inclusivity and men's feelings being more important.

StressyDressyHeels · 06/08/2019 10:01

@IrmaFayLear

Exactly. My DH went straight back to work. He couldn’t accompany me everywhere to help with my confidence. The lone women are going to be the most vulnerable.

CitadelsofScience · 06/08/2019 10:04

Yep Drama when I had my first over 30 years ago it was mother and baby feeding rooms, over time they've disappeared to be parent rooms. Yes men should be more involved with the raising of their child but not when it costs the mother and baby room being scrapped.

MaverickSnoopy · 06/08/2019 10:05

I have had 3 babies and breastfeeding in public was a large contributing factor as to why they were all mixed fed. I just couldn't do it in public, I couldn't even do it in front of other people at home (apart from dh and my other children). By consequence I wasn't able to build my supply enough as I couldn't stay in all the time as I was borderline PND.

I did try to feed out and about but felt so panicked about it. I am uncomfortable about my body and for the same reason don't wear a bikini, struggle in a swimsuit and don't use communal changing rooms. I even struggle in changing rooms where there's not a solid door and just some material. It's not about my breasts, its about people seeing bits of my body - any people. I have used the feeding rooms on probably a handful of occasions when I did try breastfeeding out of the house but as soon as someone came in (male or female) I stopped and switched to formula because I didn't want my body exposed.

So I completely understand why some people don't want to feed in front of men. I find it very disappointing that so many people who dont want to feed in front of men are being judged and told to get over it or stay at home. Perhaps that's why there's a decline in breastfeeding rates.

Vulpine · 06/08/2019 10:06

I struggle to understand what a man can actually do though for an unconfident mum?

NoSauce · 06/08/2019 10:07

DH wouldn’t have wanted to come in when he knew there was women breastfeeding, he’s not unfeeling or stupid.

Isatis · 06/08/2019 10:12

Being obtuse isn’t a valid debating tool.

Nor is refusing to acknowledge the inevitable logical consequence of your argument.

but somehow breastfeeding mothers cope

Some breastfeeding mothers cope. Others don’t.

This comment was in the context of shops, streets and towns where nowhere offers a separate room for breastfeeding mothers. Since it is highly unlikely that the mothers in question are leaving their babies to starve, presumably they do cope.