To think that men shouldn't come into breastfeeding rooms

[Lycidas]

I occasionally use the John Lewis feeding room (mainly for the delightful motion of the rocking chair), and I've noticed that men tend to enter quite often in order to chat to their partners, even when there are other women feeding in there. There are three chairs in total. The feeding area is separated from the wider changing room by a curtain, which suggests that there should be some degree of privacy for self-conscious women.

Fair enough, the men who tend to go in will make a conscious effort to just face their partners, but I still find it mildly uncomfortable to have them in there, and a distraction from the whole experience tbh, looking up, covering just 'in case', which I don't particularly want to be doing in a changing room. If I wanted to be faffing about with a muslin I may well just feed outside as normal.

AIBU?

It wouldn't bother me

That’s great - but you accept for some women it might bother them?

That really is weird.
Men have no place in breastfeeding rooms

Well exactly. The odd occasions my then husband was with me, we’d sit together in the feeding room where it was reasonable to expect a man to be.

The whole point of these rooms is so bf mothers, who may not be comfortable feeding in public, have a private space to feed

This. I didn’t use these myself but that’s not the point - they are for women who do wish to use them.

And those of you who “ need” your husband to come in and chat to you in a woman only space are being selfish and insensitive to the needs or other women.

Give your husband a fiver and send him into Costa . Or even into the John Lewis coffee shop. He will manage for 20 mins without your supervising him.

It’s the same as these men who take up all the seats in the waiting area of ante natal clinics and make heavily pregnant women stand. Because it always has to be about the bloody men and the other women who facilitate this. Presumably through fear of what their man will do if he is not The Most Important Person in the Universe all the time.

I know from BF research that in places where they don't have these weird connotations about breasts and BF, more people exclusively BF for longer periods.

There is a reason why BF rates in the West are so low.

Of course breastfeeding rooms should be male-free environments. How bloody entitled do you have to be to think that a private area is a suitable place for you to hang out chatting to your partner. Making women feel uncomfortable and taking up limited space.

If you feel comfortable breastfeeding or are bottle feeding you probably don't need the privacy of a feeding room and should probably feed your baby elsewhere.

Oh and I still remember the horror of being in a "nursing room" trying to BF my teeny tiny newborn and struggling with the pain when I was joined by a family bottle feeding their baby.

The father kept looking at me and then berating his partner for not BF saying I made it look easy why couldn't she give it a go, "the baby's just lying there sucking away" it "looks fine".

Poor woman was close to tears. I was close to tears. Horrid

Was this a Western guy too? I'd never hear a guy from my background saying that. I'd assume so since they were speaking English.

I think if nobody else is in there it's fine, but as soon as another woman looks in they should stand up and leave for privacy. The same goes for other friends and family who are just there to natter, don't take up the comfy chairs and disturb the peace.

I'm not shy though, I once went in to see a breastfeeding mum with a man and older lady hanging out in a tiny space, so I asked if they'd mind giving me some privacy as DS gets fussy when there are lots of people to look at. Both left without complaint, maybe they would have done anyway and were just being really slow. Most of the feeding rooms have a central area for all parents and a quiet bit for breastfeeding, it's needed for being calm and unexciting for the baby as much or more than privacy.

Of course breastfeeding rooms should be male-free environments.

The question is "is this a breast feeding room"? All of the rooms that ive seen are baby changing/feeding rooms, including bottle feeding. So of course men are equally entitled to be in there.

Op needs to clarify if this is a designated breastfeeding room, or not.

I'm amazed at the naivety of those who think men would never perv on breastfeeding mothers. The "bra lady" in my local M&S told me it's a constant battle to keep men out of the bra fitting rooms. "Accompanying their wives" (while having a quick look around), "wandered in", "oops, got lost" - it's non stop. Yeah sure NAMALT but there are enough of them for women to deserve female only spaces.

When I was a new young mother the little breastfeeding cubicle in Mothercare was a godsend. Later on I wasn't bothered where I fed or who saw me. But I have enough empathy for other women not to dismiss their need for privacy from men. Some of the responses are so shitty and selfish and man-pandering.

Greeve, just about the only poster here who is banging on about sexualising breasts is you. Physician, heal thyself, perhaps?
The desire for privacy is not necessarily based on fear of sexualisation.

@greeve are you talking to me?

He was a Londoner.

If you were bottle feeding why would you choose to sit 3ft from a nappy bin to feed your baby?

The curtain isn't going to provide any barrier to the stink of the bin.

I think the intent of those spaces is fairly clear, a woman only space. For the record not all white women are happy to flash their noobs in front of random blokes.

As for the comment about women talking to other women. Loneliness is hard going. Women new to an area or who's partner friends are all working may not chat to anybody all day or night if DP is working away, esp in the early days before you find your feet and lots of groups.

To the random women i chatted to in those early days in BFing rooms. Thank-you for your chat. You may have been my only human face to face chat that day.

Decomposing is determined to de/sex baby feeding. I wonder why that might be?
Hmmm, so hard to work people out sometimes, isn’t it

@DramaRamaLlama

Exactly. It's a cultural thing here. You see women as sex objects and BF as a sex act. A man from my culture would never speak like that. Women who don't BF in my culture have good reason like HIV or some medication that is toxic to babies so they wouldn't enquire or comment on who does and who doesn't.

Living in the US the breastfeeding areas are usually very nice private lounge areas with sofas and soft lighting connected to but separate from the women's toilets/bathrooms so men don't generally come in.

The question is "is this a breast feeding room"?

I think it was. This is going back 15 years now where there were many more spaces reserved exclusively for BF mums. I think that has become less fashionable in order to involve men. Which is a pity.

so of course men are equally entitled to be in there No! If you're not feeding a baby then you are being at best selfish and at worst a bit of a weirdo imposing yourself into a private space.

If you're a lone bottle feeding dad I'd judge you for choosing to do that in a room surrounded by BF mothers.

If you were bottle feeding why would you choose to sit 3ft from a nappy bin to feed your baby?
I dont think anyone would choose to do it but the baby feeding rooms that ive used have comfortable chairs, bottle warmers plus play areas for toddlers too so far more convenient for parents than trying to bottle feed in a cafe (where you have to buy something). Why should a parent have to effectively pay to feed their baby rather than use a free facility? If the facility is provided for the use of all parents tgen its not really for you to decide that bottle feeding parents can't use it.

If its specifically a breast feeding room then that's different.

@EdtheBear

Very few are. Even for the purposes of feeding their baby. Their obsession with breasts as sexual body parts even gets in the way of them nourishing their child.

Greeve, no one here has said BF ing is a sex act, or thinks that. That isn’t remotely the point.
I think this issue is yours really.

I think when we get to a point when they aren't needed you'll see BF rates rise
What makes you think we'll ever get to that point?
Maybe it would be more helpful just to accept that some women do not want to breastfeed in public, and provide some private women only spaces for them to do so, instead of trying to tell other women how they should feel about their own bodies.
This really reminds me of the situation re fathers/partners being present during childbirth. We've gone from the position of fathers being banned from the delivery room, to it practically being obligatory. I've seen women on here being told that the father has a 'right' to see his child being born, whether she wants him there or not.
Just allow women to set their own boundaries re their own bodies and their wish for privacy.

If we want to increase breastfeeding rates and normalise it, rooms that are female only are actually a requirement.

They help new mothers in that tricky period where you're getting the hang of it, some women may need a little space, there are many reasons why the space is needed.

Blithely telling women their only choices are to either stay at home in seclusion or expect to feed boldly in public with their tits hanging out isn't much of a choice. Because women are all different and have different needs.

I would never for a moment have thought that’s a female-only space. As far as I was aware it’s for anyone who wants to sit and feed their baby, and could be used by a man or woman wanting to sit somewhere comfy and quiet and bottle feed their child too. Unless there was a sign on the door saying women-only I don’t think it’s fair to assume other customers would telepathically understand that only women should be in there. As far as I’m concerned it’s for everyone to feed in whichever way they like and I don’t have any issue at all with guys coming in to sit with their partners or bottle feed.

Perhaps if you see it that way you could campaign for them to provide closed cubicles so literally nobody can get in and see you feeding. But I think it’s pretty obvious these spaces are for anyone otherwise.

If you're a lone bottle feeding dad I'd judge you for choosing to do that in a room surrounded by BF mothers.

If this is a baby feeding area, designed for both breast and formula feeding then I jydge you for judging a lone dad feeding his baby. In that instance, its tge women objecting to a man being present who are in the wrong.

If you require no men present then you need to find a breast feeding only room. Then you can object to men being present. You cant object to them being in a unisex space. They have as much entitlement to use tgat space as anyone else.

You see women as sex objects and BF as a sex act
The only person pushing this weird line is you.

DecomposingComposers
I agree. A lot depends on if it's a general parent and baby room Vs a designated breastfeeding room. Any bottle feeding parent should be able to use a feeding room with bottle warmers and comfy chairs etc.
Only women should be using breastfeeding rooms.