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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to suspect DH of cheating?

336 replies

girlsgonetame · 05/08/2019 18:01

NC'd for this for obvious reasons.

I think my husband is cheating on me but I have absolutely no evidence to back this up. Not sure if I am just going mad! Need you ladies (and gents) to give me some clear headed perspective.

Recently (don't know when but within last year or so) a stunningly gorgeous (very young, 20's) lady has started working at the same company as my DH (51!) I've just got a nasty, niggling feeling.

DH has form for being flirty so not difficult to imagine this new girl has caught his eye.

His behaviour has changed. I can't put my finger on it or even explain it but it has. He was always secretive with his phone but a few months ago he got a new one and has put on a password that I don't know. Before that I did have a snoop through and saw that he had made WhatsApp calls to this girl from work. I knew it was her because of her picture but she was saved in his phone as "Steve Work". No texts, I assume deleted! Not many calls, about 3 over the space of several months. Could be work related.

He also won't tell me anything about this girl, don't even know her name (pretty sure it's not Steve!). Tried casually asking questions but he shrugs me off, says he doesn't know, changes the subject?!

I do sound crazy! Tell me I am not crazy. Or that I am crazy! What do you think, wise mumsnetters?!

OP posts:
Sarcelle · 08/08/2019 11:58

With regard to the private eye thing I expect the internet allows us to do more sleuthing ourselves these days and has probably killed off a lot of their business. Although could be handy in some circumstances.

colourlessgreenidea · 08/08/2019 12:00

I think OP looked on the company website and found out her name there, staff profiles, etc.

Ta, I must have missed that post Smile

verticality · 08/08/2019 12:03

@31RueCambon - ahhh, that's really interesting. I guess it can get expensive, too.

ShirleyPhallus · 08/08/2019 12:33

Oh no OP, this is turning from detective in to bunny boiler territory

If I were your H I’d leave my phone on my desk at lunchtime

Motoko · 08/08/2019 13:04

You were silly to tell him, we did warn you about that. Now he knows you suspect him of cheating, he's going to be more careful.

Plus, you're now doing crazy shit, and losing any sympathy you had.

GimmieTheCoffeeAndNooneDies · 08/08/2019 13:34

Have you ever thought about getting a hobby?

matahairyy · 08/08/2019 13:39

I’m Hmm

Sarcelle · 08/08/2019 13:43

He will probably get another secret phone and use that to contact Steve

LuckyLou7 · 08/08/2019 13:52

Taking his lunch in for him will make you look crazy - if my DH left his lunch at home, he'd buy a sandwich or something, I wouldn't dream of turning up at his office. I'd have problems getting in anyway, most workplaces have some kind of security system in place. I wouldn't imagine you could just stroll in

PurpleCrazyHorse · 08/08/2019 14:20

@ThirdThoughts has it spot on...

ThirdThoughts Thu 08-Aug-19 05:56:56
You may never find out the truth about this. You may never get proof. All the amateur detective work sounds thrilling but exhausting and crazy making and makes a prize of him. You don't need to prove anything to anyone.

The questions you need to ask yourself are "is this still the person I want to be in a relationship with?". Is he being kind, respectful, trustworthy? Is it a healthy relationship if I can't trust him and feel insecure around him? What do I really want for myself in the future?

Try not to get trapped by your desire to have irrefutable proof and have a gotcha moment.

B3ck89 · 08/08/2019 14:55

I was on your side until you got all weird with taking his lunch out of his bag and rocking up to the office Hmm
Your gut is saying he’s up to something, but your actions are going to make him hide it much better.
The location on his phone is useless - he could leave his phone at work? And you would be non the wiser, and think he’s still at work.
Your best bet is keep quiet and try look out for other signs something is going on.
Location, showing up at work and stalking him at the pub is odd based on the very few facts that you do have.

Good luck Flowers

Bluntness100 · 08/08/2019 15:07

I was on your side until you got all weird with taking his lunch out of his bag and rocking up to the office

That's when you thought it got weird? 😂

matahairyy · 08/08/2019 15:16

There’ll be another development later toddyv

9cats · 08/08/2019 15:20

As someone who has been the OW, been cheated on and cheated myself (when I was younger. Not proud before anyone starts) there's definitely something going on. He's going to continue convincing you you're crazy until it all comes out and you find out all his colleagues and friends knew

jesuschristwtf · 08/08/2019 15:22

You sound crazy OP. I can’t imagine this is real?!

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 08/08/2019 15:42

I took some of these replies on board and didn't take the sandwich.

I think I might be crazy. I am just sick of feeling like this and worrying and checking and digging. I want to know, yes or no. And he's too careful, I don't think he'll leave any traces. I'd have to actually catch them.

As people have said he could just leave his phone in the office.

He doesn't like me checking up on him or being jealous and it has happened in the past and he's not one for offering lots of reassurance.

It makes me feel sick thinking of him and her together, even just as colleagues because I know he will definitely fancy her and want her even if he's not acting on it or she's not open to him. I feel like if it was up to him they'd be shagging. If they're not it's because she doesn't want it

OP posts:
AryaStarkWolf · 08/08/2019 15:45

I feel like if it was up to him they'd be shagging. If they're not it's because she doesn't want it

You know just even thinking this about him is a good enough reason for you to end things with him. Take back control of your life

Pinkout · 08/08/2019 15:47

I feel so sorry for you, I can completely understand and empathise with your feelings. Is your marriage worth saving? He sounds like a bit of a dickhead and if he’s not cheating already, he wants to. You surely know you deserve better.

Delatron · 08/08/2019 15:50

Ah OP. The thing is there’s nothing you can do to stop it developing if he wants to cheat he will. Such a horrid situation.

More evidence would be good. Otherwise he’ll convince you you’re the crazy one.

If he is causing you this much stress and you don’t trust him would you consider just ending the relationship without evidence?

The more you stalk him and question him, the more he will turn it on to you.

What time of day were the calls? Could they just be work calls? The changing the name to Steve and the change in behaviour towards you are really the only evidence you have. Is that enough?

Findthewhitehorseonthehill · 08/08/2019 16:00

Op I feel for you, you are acting crazy, but to be honest when you're with a dishonest person, it can send you crazy.

Why not take a step back from this. You have a really low opinion of your husband, you're convinced that he wants to cheat with this woman. So by that logic, if he's not cheating now then he soon will be.

Is this relationship worth saving? I know it's not easy, but life like this can't be right, tying yourself up in knots following your husband, tracking him.

Even if this pretty girl leaves the company, there'll always be another one along.

tilly2dresses · 08/08/2019 16:05

OP ask yourself if you find out for certain nothing has happened will you be happy? Will life go back to normal? Will you feel content? I would expect it to be a no and as soon as you start taking control your life will take a massive turn for the better.

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 08/08/2019 16:24

I don't want to leave him though. We have three kids together and he earns significantly more than I do. I don't want my life to change or theirs. I do love him too, obviously. I just don't trust him. He does love me, I think.

OP posts:
Benjispruce · 08/08/2019 16:47

Has he cheated before?

mothertoo · 08/08/2019 16:53

Trust your gut instinct. I'm sorry but i think you should ask him on the spot to look at his phone.

I know your scared, but just do it. If your wrong you can apologise if your right then you will know the truth .

Goodluck x

31RueCambon · 08/08/2019 17:22

If you arent ready to leave, start detaching. Do what suits you. Make him commit to nights he will be in so you can go out. Just focus on carving out a life that would be rewarding if say in a tears time you felt ready to split up. That will give you back some power. He isnt worth having, he is eroding yr self worrh, so even if he starts to see that you would be fine without him, focus on indepence.