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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to suspect DH of cheating?

336 replies

girlsgonetame · 05/08/2019 18:01

NC'd for this for obvious reasons.

I think my husband is cheating on me but I have absolutely no evidence to back this up. Not sure if I am just going mad! Need you ladies (and gents) to give me some clear headed perspective.

Recently (don't know when but within last year or so) a stunningly gorgeous (very young, 20's) lady has started working at the same company as my DH (51!) I've just got a nasty, niggling feeling.

DH has form for being flirty so not difficult to imagine this new girl has caught his eye.

His behaviour has changed. I can't put my finger on it or even explain it but it has. He was always secretive with his phone but a few months ago he got a new one and has put on a password that I don't know. Before that I did have a snoop through and saw that he had made WhatsApp calls to this girl from work. I knew it was her because of her picture but she was saved in his phone as "Steve Work". No texts, I assume deleted! Not many calls, about 3 over the space of several months. Could be work related.

He also won't tell me anything about this girl, don't even know her name (pretty sure it's not Steve!). Tried casually asking questions but he shrugs me off, says he doesn't know, changes the subject?!

I do sound crazy! Tell me I am not crazy. Or that I am crazy! What do you think, wise mumsnetters?!

OP posts:
Benjispruce · 08/08/2019 09:32

Oh now you’re getting crazy op. What are you expecting?

verticality · 08/08/2019 09:38

I am a big fan of total transparency between partners across phones/email/social media/bank accounts etc. I know it's not necessarily for everyone, but I believe in a close, companionate marriage and that if there's something you have to hide from your partner, then there's something going a bit wrong.

You asked him to up his levels of transparency - he agreed, but has now rescinded that. I would definitely have alarm bells ringing.

Motoko · 08/08/2019 10:00

Did he put his lunch in his bag? If so, isn't he going to wonder why you took it out?

What do you expect to happen?

crispysausagerolls · 08/08/2019 10:09

You asked him to up his levels of transparency - he agreed, but has now rescinded that. I would definitely have alarm bells ringing

This!!!!

It’s the fact he said he would be happy to do location services then, without mentioning it, switched it off! Ffs as he knew you were concerned he could’ve casually mentioned the battery thing (if it were true). He’s tried to just switch it off and not get caught doing that. Why not just say to you “I don’t want to do that”?

It’s all fucking bullshit.

Philmitchell · 08/08/2019 10:13

It does sound like theres no trust OP! This relationship is already over.

matahairyy · 08/08/2019 10:20

He will simply hide her better. Imo

Wafflecopter · 08/08/2019 10:42

Ah God you’re starting to sound a little crazed, surely he’ll just go and buy lunch when he realises his wife has nicked it?
Either way if you don’t trust what he’s saying and think he’s up to something, then either leave him or arrange some sort of counselling as your relationship needs help.

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 08/08/2019 10:42

He will just think he forgot to put it in

He's also got his location turned on today at my request. I reminded him that he has a phone charger at work!

OP posts:
matahairyy · 08/08/2019 10:43

You’re turning into a detective. This will make him feel more justified in his deception. Pleased stop

TeddybearBaby · 08/08/2019 11:03

I don’t really know what you’re hoping to achieve from the lunch thing? But I can tell this has driven you mad and I’m sorry for that. Your husband sounds like an arse 💐

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 08/08/2019 11:11

I'm hoping to see them both together. In the office or out for lunch. Want to see how they're interacting.

OP posts:
matahairyy · 08/08/2019 11:12

Of course

Aibu to suspect DH of cheating?
Bananasplitter · 08/08/2019 11:17

sure, because if something is going on they will be all over each other in the office environment esp when you join them with the lunchbox.

you sound suffocating and batshit, OP. sorry.

HulksPurplePanties · 08/08/2019 11:20

Is this the first time you've suspected him of cheating OP or is this a regular thing. If it's a regular occurrence I can understand why he put her name as Steve in his phone...

fedup21 · 08/08/2019 11:22

Will you be able to just walk into his office?

Original poster
girlsgonetame · 08/08/2019 11:25

Yes the first time I saw her was when he had forgotten his lunch and I took it for him at lunch time

OP posts:
matahairyy · 08/08/2019 11:27

He’s an adult. Let him sort his own lunch

colourlessgreenidea · 08/08/2019 11:28

Today I took his lunch out of his bag before he left for work so I am going to go and take it to him later...

Shark jumped Hmm

Sarcelle · 08/08/2019 11:34

The lunch thing - you will just look obvious.

verticality · 08/08/2019 11:36

Genuine question: I always wonder, in these threads, whether it's worth hiring a PI. I don't know if I've just read too much Raymond Chandler, but it seems like a better solution? I've never done it, though, so I'm probably judging based on a mental picture of what a PI does that is really different from the reality! Has anyone done it? Why don't people recommend it more often?

colourlessgreenidea · 08/08/2019 11:42

I've now found out her name, which is not Steve and nothing like Steve, and her Facebook profile.

How did you find out her full name? Did he tell you?

Saltystraw · 08/08/2019 11:48

It’s very suss if you think his his lunch in. He will just be more deceptive

VivaLeBeaver · 08/08/2019 11:48

I think OP looked on the company website and found out her name there, staff profiles, etc.

31RueCambon · 08/08/2019 11:52

Verticality i was going to hire one as my x is hiding assets and not paying maintenance but the limits of what he could commit to finding out legally werent very impressive imo so i didnt go ahead.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 08/08/2019 11:58

They are due to have a work event this weekend.

Uh-oh. Alarm bells ringing.

He's definitely hiding something, why else would he change her name?

But dial down the crazy. I think following him to the event is a better idea than taking his lunch in to him. They're hardly going to be shagging on a desk... and as he knows that you're suspicious, he's probably already told her. So sorry OP, but with this level of mistrust it sounds as though your marriage is going down the dumper anyway.

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