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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

6 yr old DD still has a dummy

475 replies

Pyromare98 · 05/08/2019 14:45

More of a WWYD I suppose. Name change for this as I'm v.embarrassed. I must concede that my 6 year old DD still has a dummy at bedtime. I know what you must be thinking, but she is only allowed it strictly to go to sleep, it helps her wind down right before bed. She is very aware that she is far too old for it, and would be mortified if anyone found out about it, (only me, DH, her brother, and her grandparents know that she still has one.) We have tried many times to get her to give it up but it's always a massive struggle, we've had visits for the dummy fairy, and santa to take them away, we've read books about giving it up, and once we even 'forgot' it when we came back from holiday. But everytime she just gets so upset.

We saw on the one show the other night, this woman that helps children give up the dummy in five days. We watched it together and she saw children, much younger than her, give up there dummies with very little fuss. We discussed this with her, and she said that she wanted to go to bed without a dummy, starting on Sunday, (last night.) She was very excited for this, until she got into bed. She then started to sob, saying she missed her dummy, begging us to let her have it. She eventually fell asleep after 3 hours of crying, I even heard her in the night, softly sobbing. It was heartbreaking. This morning I told her how well she had done, but she just asked if she could have a dummy tonight.

DH and I are conflicted, on one hand she's way too old for it, on the other, what's the harm? It hasn't effected her teeth, as the dentist has assured me, and her speech is fantastic. One second she wants to be a big girl and give it up, which we are here to help and support her for, the next minute she just wants her dummy.
I feel so evil for not letting her have it, should I just give her the dummy?
Help.

OP posts:
Cantrememberthewords · 05/08/2019 19:44

I don't think anyone on this thread is taking the stance that children's feelings don't matter. Posters are just coming at the situation from different angles. Personally, based on on what the OP has said, I don't get the impression that the DD's relationship with the dummy sounds like a lovely comfort thing anymore. It sounds as though she feels embarrassed about needing it and anxious about the possibility of her friends finding out but she's struggling to go through with quitting. That sounds a bit miserable for the DD and I think the short term pain of giving up should be weighed against the long term stress of her repeatedly begging to give up, getting excited about quitting and then begging to have it back. That doesn't mean that I don't think children's emotions are important. There's just more to respecting your child's feelings than giving them what they want in the immediate moment.

Pepperstripe · 05/08/2019 19:45

Apologies for the multiple posts. Crappy mumsnet telling me it couldn't post!

slashlover · 05/08/2019 19:50

Yeah fresta would you break her thumb if she was sucking it?

I remember my mum painting some sort of bitter liquid on my sister's nails to stop her sucking her fingers, you can buy it in Boots.

MakeLemonade · 05/08/2019 19:53

I gave my DC dummies as I didn’t want them to be thumb suckers, my DH sucked his thumb until he went to uni!

Got rid of them just before 3rd birthday. My DD2 absolutely loved her dummy and she cried herself to sleep every night for a week but she settled into a new routine eventually.

Jinxed2 · 05/08/2019 19:55

I took my just gone 2 year old to Smyths to choose a toy and he paid the lady with all his dummies. He asked for it a few times for 3 or 4 days but I kept reminding him that he had given them to the lady and that they were gone.

TheFairyCaravan · 05/08/2019 19:55

I am at a loss as to why anyone ever gives a dummy to a baby??!! I saw a tiny little mite, only days old with one last week. When my baby cried I did what was necessary at the time, cuddled her and then put her down. Why on earth do some mothers take the easy way out and plonk a dummy in the little one's mouth.

DS2 was using me as a dummy and it was getting to me not being able to get anything done during the day, and being sat up all night, with my nipples in his mouth otherwise he'd scream. Not only that they were getting bloody sore. We gave him a dummy at about 4 months and it was gone by the time he was 2.

AllFourOfThem · 05/08/2019 19:57

I am at a loss as to why anyone ever gives a dummy to a baby??!! I saw a tiny little mite, only days old with one last week. When my baby cried I did what was necessary at the time, cuddled her and then put her down. Why on earth do some mothers take the easy way out and plonk a dummy in the little one's mouth.

Says someone who is ignorant and naive enough to have never had a premature baby in a neonatal unit who needs to learn to suck to be able to feed itself and (hopefully) survive.

gamesanddaisychains · 05/08/2019 19:59

I am grandma, I still think a dummy is better than a thumb. A relative whose daughter had a baby at the same time as me, used to push the baby's thumb into her mouth at a very early age and grandmother said to me 'it is better than a dummy though, isn't it?'! Well no, easier to remove a dummy than a thumb. That child even in her thirties still sucked her thumb.

Lizzielocket · 05/08/2019 20:04

GenevaMaybe yes sugar free Ribena in a bottle Grin shock, horror, child abuse according to MN!
DD had just turned 4, one of the youngest in her reception class, it was her comfort, it was also 19 years ago when it was acceptable to feed your DC coco pops for breakfast and pack them a peanut butter sandwich in their lunch box. Different times.

Coquohvan · 05/08/2019 20:17

When 6 in school my best friends mum would come to the railings and give him a suck of his dummy through them.
It was seen by one of his class mates, poor boy was ridiculed relentless about being a baby, asked do you still wear a nappy, go to bed early, do you wet the bed. Terrible for him all because his mum came to the school to appease him with his dummy.

In your case OP your daughter knows she is not a baby who needs a dummy, said to you in fact she wanted to go to bed without it, up to you to parent her and relieve her of her; embarrassing thoughts, that she really is too big for it now.

Good luck OP my twins had one ( for my sanity) until their younger sibling arrived when they were 2.5.

socksforfox · 05/08/2019 20:30

F

ICouldntHelpButWonder · 05/08/2019 20:34

Hopefully you'll have some luck tonight OP but if not (and this would mean allowing it for a few more months) you could leave it out for Santa? Prep her so she knows, and on Xmas morning In her mind she'll accept it's gone, in return for some lovely presents.
Also any disruption to the routine will probably be easier to deal with while you're all off school/work.

BettysLeftTentacle · 05/08/2019 20:39

I am at a loss as to why anyone ever gives a dummy to a baby??!!

Well, first, there’s the fairly strong evidence that it reduces the risk of SIDS if a baby uses a dummy whilst small.
Secondly, it helps them manage the symptoms of colic, which if you had any experience of a baby with colic and reflux, you’d know that you would happily scoop your own eyes out with a spoon to make them stop screaming.
Third, it helps premature babies build a sucking reflex so that when you want to feed them normally, they can.
Fourth, It helps new mothers get through those first few weeks/months of painful comfort feeds and helps them persevere.
Fifth, you don’t have to understand because it’s none of your business and your ignorant judgement means jack shit.

@Pyromare98 I’d probably be flattering the he’ll out of DD if I were you. I’d be decorating her bedroom into a ‘big girls bedroom’, buying a CD player and let her choose some audio books to listen to at night and buying her lovely new grownup bedding with a special toy of her choice to cuddle up to - all on the understanding that the dummy will be thrown away. I’d encourage her to tell it her secrets and give it a squeeze every time she feels sad. You could try some breathing exercises with her before bed and start reading a book together. Make a real big deal out of a new big girl bedtime and special 1:1 time just you/DH and her. Every time she goes without, upset or not, tell her how proud you are of her and how she’s growing up to be such a strong woman. Once it’s been a few weeks, arrange a sleepover with a friend.

Basically, lovebomb the shit out of her. Good luck Flowers

Queenioqueenio · 05/08/2019 20:44

I think you need some serious bribery now, new toy, trainers, clothes - whatever she really wants. 3 days in a row without the dummy and she can have something she really wants.
I also second the idea of an exciting sleepover with friends (I.e. pizza, film, midnight snacks - whatever interests her) to reinforce the fact her friends don’t have these either.
This is a hardcore habit which needs to be broken, coupled with the fact she wants to stop herself. Stick with it - it needs perseverance!

Nimnoodley · 05/08/2019 20:47

If possible I’d try to persevere if you can. I had a blanket and sucked my thumb until I was very late teens, it never impacted my teeth or my speech. The main impact from it though is that I really struggle to get to sleep as I never learnt how to do it as a child.

Yabbers · 05/08/2019 20:52

I am at a loss as to why anyone ever gives a dummy to a baby??!!

I decided against it, right up until she had colic. I have in and bought some, but she wouldn't take the damned thing. What followed was probably the two worst months of being a parent for me. People do what works for them at the time.

ineedtovent · 05/08/2019 21:02

Just let her have the dummy, it's not done any harm for her, she will drop it in her own time. She's still a young child fgs, she doesn't need to be upset about something so unnecessary!!

jaseyraex · 05/08/2019 21:07

Why on earth do some mothers take the easy way out and plonk a dummy in the little one's mouth.

Why on earth do some mothers think it's any of their damn business how others parent their own kids Confused

Rainonmyguitar · 05/08/2019 21:19

I am at a loss as to why anyone ever gives a dummy to a baby??!! I saw a tiny little mite, only days old with one last week. When my baby cried I did what was necessary at the time, cuddled her and then put her down. Why on earth do some mothers take the easy way out and plonk a dummy in the little one's mouth

Shut up you sanctimonious twat. I could easily say "I'm at a loss as to why anyone would deny a little baby a little bit of comfort?"

Nottodayx · 05/08/2019 22:25

OP I know how you feel.

I’ve been a lurker for so long but just signed up to tell you our success story so far!

Tonight marks a whole week that my DS 5 has not had a dummy.

Like your DD he has no problems with teeth or speech and had his dummy for bedtime.

Last Monday he had a routine dentist appointment and I actually asked the dentist to have a nice word with him about his dummy as he has heard it from me far too many times.
When we left, we chatted and he said he wanted to send them to Father Christmas so he can give them to poorly babies who needed them.

We went home and he wrote a letter to father Xmas and we gathered the dummies up and put them in an envelope (Jiffy bag) and we went to the post office and ‘posted’ them. (Sent to a relative)

Because he packed them up himself and posted them he knows they are gone and I think that is what has really helped him let go of them. He has said he needed them a few times but knows they have gone. We have had no tears or anything. I was expecting him to sob for them as he used to if he couldn’t find one at bedtime.

I wish you lots of luck whatever you decide to do.

BlueJag · 05/08/2019 22:29

Our ds still sucks his thumb and he is 13. I'm still waiting to grow out of it but it's unlikely. She'll quit when she is ready.

Pepperstripe · 05/08/2019 22:52

@Rainonmyguitar - 'Sanctimonious twat' made me chuckle!!

Phoenix76 · 05/08/2019 23:29

Op, you're her mum, you know your dd better than all of us, please do what your mum instinct says. Fwiw, I didn't have a dummy or suck my thumb and I still ended up with braces for years and that was in the 90's when they were implements of torture! Honestly, in your situation, I'd just let her have it. I'd explain to her that I understand about her feelings towards it and when she's ready to go on the "give up the dummy journey" you'll do it together. Don't linger on negative comments, she feels great comfort from it during this short time of her young life, we have to do what's truly best for our own children and a strategy that suits one child won't always suit another. Seriously what's the worst that can happen with a dummy? Nothing that couldn't be fixed, if anything needed fixing at all. Good luck with whatever you decide.

jennymanara · 05/08/2019 23:32

@BlueJag Or maybe she will never quit? A habit becomes harder to quit the longer it goes on.

TovaGoldCoin · 05/08/2019 23:37

I taught a child who.is 6 next month, and in the last week of term I saw them being dropped off early at Before School Care. I saw Mum swipe a dummy out if their mouth as they got out of the car.. I was absolutely flabbergasted.... But now I know why they don't move their mouth when they speak...

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