6 yr old DD still has a dummy

[Pyromare98]

More of a WWYD I suppose. Name change for this as I'm v.embarrassed. I must concede that my 6 year old DD still has a dummy at bedtime. I know what you must be thinking, but she is only allowed it strictly to go to sleep, it helps her wind down right before bed. She is very aware that she is far too old for it, and would be mortified if anyone found out about it, (only me, DH, her brother, and her grandparents know that she still has one.) We have tried many times to get her to give it up but it's always a massive struggle, we've had visits for the dummy fairy, and santa to take them away, we've read books about giving it up, and once we even 'forgot' it when we came back from holiday. But everytime she just gets so upset.

We saw on the one show the other night, this woman that helps children give up the dummy in five days. We watched it together and she saw children, much younger than her, give up there dummies with very little fuss. We discussed this with her, and she said that she wanted to go to bed without a dummy, starting on Sunday, (last night.) She was very excited for this, until she got into bed. She then started to sob, saying she missed her dummy, begging us to let her have it. She eventually fell asleep after 3 hours of crying, I even heard her in the night, softly sobbing. It was heartbreaking. This morning I told her how well she had done, but she just asked if she could have a dummy tonight.

DH and I are conflicted, on one hand she's way too old for it, on the other, what's the harm? It hasn't effected her teeth, as the dentist has assured me, and her speech is fantastic. One second she wants to be a big girl and give it up, which we are here to help and support her for, the next minute she just wants her dummy.
I feel so evil for not letting her have it, should I just give her the dummy?
Help.

Haven't read the full thread, but could you agree with her she can go to bed with the dummy but keep it under her pillow/in her hand?

Ultimatley it's a comfort item like any other, I can't imagine people saying: 'throw that stuffed bunny straight in the bin, she's too old at 6.'

The problem is her sucking it, not her having it.

The dilly dallying, talking and reading books about giving up and then giving it back to her are far more of a problem than simply being kind but firm.

Absolutely spot on. OP, I'm not surprised that she has asked if she can have it back tonight. By your own admission she's had years of talking about giving up the dummy, gentle encouragement to give up the dummy, the dummy fairy, reading books about giving up the dummy etc followed by not actually having to give up the dummy! So how is she supposed to understand that you suddenly mean business now? Unless this time you actually follow through.

All those saying it's "her choice" and "let her give it up when she's ready"...we are talking about a six year old child here. The reason she's making this "choice" is because she has no understanding of the impact this is having on the alignment of her jaw and her adult teeth that are waiting to come in. She is too young to understand that although she finds it hard to get to sleep without her dummy right now, that will get easier with time. This is why an adult needs to make a decision to get rid of the dummy and stick to it. It's unfair for a parent to put that decision into the hands of a child purely because they don't want to deal with the (temporary) emotional fallout it might cause. I'm sorry, but that's your job as a parent and sometimes it's horrible but that doesn't mean you can just opt out.

I think the other posters are being way too harsh.
Like you said, its doing her no actual harm.
Just stop concentrating on it so much and she will naturally grow out of it.
So what if she likes a dummy for comfort? Who actually cares.

The reason she's making this "choice" is because she has no understanding of the impact this is having on the alignment of her jaw and her adult teeth that are waiting to come in.
Her dentist isn’t concerned, and we’re talking 20 minutes a night. If it was all day every day (as it can be with thumb sucking) I could see your point.

So what if she likes a dummy for comfort? Who actually cares.

The little girl cares. From the OP:

She is very aware that she is far too old for it, and would be mortified if anyone found out about it

She needs the adults to hold fast and help her do something difficult. She needs them to help her.

My top tip that I read on MN that actually worked was to cut the tips off the dummies so they no longer suck properly. My son was absolutely addicted but cutting the tips worked a dream!!

Of course it's affecting her teeth! One DC didn't have a dummy, didn't need a brace. Other DC did and I had to really wrestle it from her and when she had X-rays at the orthodontist, I could not believe how out of alignment her jaw and teeth were and ortho told me it was down to the dummy. (which by that time she obviously wasn't using). He said the effects stay.

The OP won't know if it's 20 minutes a night. She probably wakes and stirs in the night and puts it back in.

I can see the mixed responses and can kind of understand those saying let her have it, but I think you have done the first night now so just keep going. Of course it will be a rough couple of nights but it won't have any lasting damage on her and her and her teeth will thank you later!

What on earth is pleasurable about chewing on a bit of rubber?

There is very little empathy on MN for children's feelings, and yes it's about feelings , children's need respecting as do adults.

I agree that it's about feelings. OP and her DH have skirted around the issue of the dummy for years without ever committing to doing anything about it because they've been so worried about upsetting their DD. The consequence of that is they have a 6 year old who knows she is too old for a dummy and feels embarrassed by it but believes she needs it because she has never known any different. I work with a lot of teenagers who are perpetually "stressed" and become completely overwhelmed by normal, trivial, everyday problems because they've spent their whole lives being allowed to avoid anything that has the potential to be remotely difficult, upsetting or anxiety- inducing by parents who can't bear to see them upset. Well, feeling upset sometimes is part of life and if OP follows through and gets rid of the dummy for good this time then yes, her DD will be upset for a couple of nights. But ultimately she'll be fine and she'll learn that she can be upset for a time and it's not the end of the world, life carries on.

Completely agree with NoSquirrels. The OP's DD has asked for help to stop. If she's ashamed of the dummy and feels that it's a guilt secret, that's not going to help her self-esteem in the long run.

I know it's tough though, OP. Best of luck!

I think your dd is telling you she wants to stop, but she needs help to follow through, because she is only 6!

If you give the dummy back now she will have to go through the upset of the first night without it all over again.

I'd be worried about her missing out of sleepovers in a year or two if she can't sleep without it, but is embarrassed about it.

You need to be the parent and not her friend here. I get that it's horrible listening to hee cry, but at 6 you are well aware she is far too old.

I think she wants you to do it for her as she cant give it up on her own. Time to toughen up I'm afraid.

My daughters are 5 and 3 and still have one at bedtime.oldest covered im excema and its the only thing that comforts her,youngest occasionally asks for it when shes upset going to try make the less reliant on them especially as im about to have baby 3 and dont wamt him having one

I know someone who had hers at aged 17
As far as I know she still has it and that was years ago
She needs to give them up now
You’ve done the hard bit in the first night-she just needs to do another (then another etc)
Or at this rate she’ll have kids of her own and she’ll still have it
Please don’t stop and start with them-stay firm and within the week she won’t have one at all

DH and I have been looking through the thread since he got home. He likes the idea of cutting the teat off one of the dummies and letting her hold it, however I think that it could make her very upset seeing one of her beloved dummies cut up. I've been piling on the prase for her today, all about being very grown up ect. She has reluctantly agreed to try another night without a dummy, I'm hoping for a much easier time than last night, where I came in to cuddle her when she cried. I also asked her if she wanted a toy if she did a week without a dummy, but she wasn't interested, I suppose it's still a bit raw.

This is so alien to me. I never had a dummy and none of my children did.

I’m wondering now if mine have missed out on something - why is it so lovely? What is it that soothes them? Is it a breastfeeding thing? Is it more children who weren’t bfd that need/enjoy them?

You could give up and have another go next year, and the next, but you'll end up with 5 days of distress over 5 years and still with the dummy.

Or you could see it through with 5 days of distress now and be done with it.

The latter seems kinder to me.

I think the issue is that she doesn’t have another comfort object and this is her only comfort. All the people saying she’s too old and throw it away; it would be the equivalent of saying she’s too old and to throw away her favorite teddy, which no one would do to a six-year-old child. In fact, I saw an article a few weeks ago saying that 40% of ADULTS still sleep with a teddy. The problem just happens to be that instead of a beloved toy, your daughter has a dummy. Like some PP said, instead of a toy as a treat, maybe you could introduce a toy as a comfort object (tell a story about how teddy or a nice blanket or some object is there to stay with her at night - just something to help her learn to self-soothe).

I’m concerned that what others have mentioned is correct. While her teeth might be fine so far, it’s very difficult to say exactly what’s happening to her jaw from using a dummy this late, or to the space her adult teeth will need to come in. It really has to go ASAP.

I know a woman in her 40s who still likes a dummy and a 14yo boy who sneaks his on football tours - so I don’t think it’s necessarily something people grow out of.

My DC had pretty light dummy use - nighttime and naps only (when babies). My eldest had given up by the age of 2.5 and now has braces to correct a massive overbite. My second DC is going the same way, despite giving it up by 2.

I think we (myself included) seriously underestimate the impact of dummy on jaw development and I’m sorry I ever gave them one.

With this in mind I’d be seriously encouraging a cold turkey approach- 6 is far far too old to be having a dummy.

With all due respect OP I just don't think you are being firm enough. Your DD will sense you are wavering and not going to see it through.

I talked to my DD and told her when it was going to be. We went to the duck pond near us and we had them all wrapped up in pretty paper and we left them in the bin at the duck pond for baby ducks to have. Yes it sounds barmy but in her head she was making sense of giving them to babies who might need them. We then went home and she knew there were no dummies in the house. It took days but we got through it.

no, I've never seen a duck with a dummy either!

Your DD knows you've got dummies in the house so she's obviously going to cry for them! You can't say 'the dummies have gone' because she knows they haven't!

In the nicest possible way you and your DH need to grow a spine. Your daughter needs compassion, kindness but also firm boundaries here. You can’t shield her from tough times all her life. You’ve done the hardest part, the first night, now put the dummy in the dustbin and give lots of reassurance that this is the right thing to do over the next couple of days. Now is not the time for dithering. All will be fine.

29 minutes of a dummy a night is not going to do much harm, dummies are preferred by orthodontists to fingers and thumbs, work out a way to do it gradually and with regard to her feelings, and it will happen. Even just leaving it a while, children do grow up regardless if our worries that they'll not grow up
Neither if mine had dummies, one with my broad jaw had no problems with teeth, the other who had father's jaw shape, ie narrow, had an overlapping tooth out and braces to straighten them. Father had 4 teeth out at a similar age, and cousins had even more, all down to the face shape. Neither sucked a thumb or fingers, didn't need to as they were breastfed.
So I've no flag to fly for dummies, just children's feelings

How does the OP know it's 29 minutes a night? My DD's used to drop out when she fell asleep but in her sleep she would put it back in.

you managed one night and she eventually fell asleep. do the same tonight. cold turkey is best.