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Original poster

6 yr old DD still has a dummy

475 replies

Pyromare98 · 05/08/2019 14:45

More of a WWYD I suppose. Name change for this as I'm v.embarrassed. I must concede that my 6 year old DD still has a dummy at bedtime. I know what you must be thinking, but she is only allowed it strictly to go to sleep, it helps her wind down right before bed. She is very aware that she is far too old for it, and would be mortified if anyone found out about it, (only me, DH, her brother, and her grandparents know that she still has one.) We have tried many times to get her to give it up but it's always a massive struggle, we've had visits for the dummy fairy, and santa to take them away, we've read books about giving it up, and once we even 'forgot' it when we came back from holiday. But everytime she just gets so upset.

We saw on the one show the other night, this woman that helps children give up the dummy in five days. We watched it together and she saw children, much younger than her, give up there dummies with very little fuss. We discussed this with her, and she said that she wanted to go to bed without a dummy, starting on Sunday, (last night.) She was very excited for this, until she got into bed. She then started to sob, saying she missed her dummy, begging us to let her have it. She eventually fell asleep after 3 hours of crying, I even heard her in the night, softly sobbing. It was heartbreaking. This morning I told her how well she had done, but she just asked if she could have a dummy tonight.

DH and I are conflicted, on one hand she's way too old for it, on the other, what's the harm? It hasn't effected her teeth, as the dentist has assured me, and her speech is fantastic. One second she wants to be a big girl and give it up, which we are here to help and support her for, the next minute she just wants her dummy.
I feel so evil for not letting her have it, should I just give her the dummy?
Help.

OP posts:
madcatladyforever · 06/08/2019 11:43

How I wish someone had stopped me sucking my thumb in childhood, I ended up with buck teeth and have spent a small fortune on dentistry and braces as an adult.

madcatladyforever · 06/08/2019 11:44

Also it's easier if you do it now, i was still sucking my thumb as an adult. It was as hard to give up as smoking and I had to wear plasters round my thumb for months to give it up.

PepsiLola · 06/08/2019 11:49

If you go to build a bear, you could ask the staff to put the dummy inside the teddy, with the heart thing?

So she'll still have her dummy but can't suck on it

PepsiLola · 06/08/2019 11:49

If you go to build a bear, you could ask the staff to put the dummy inside the teddy, with the heart thing?

So she'll still have her dummy but can't suck on it

SharyBobbins · 06/08/2019 12:14

Sorry if this has already been suggested (or if Build A Bear don't do this kind of thing) but could they put her favourite dummy in the bear so she still has it in a way?

SharyBobbins · 06/08/2019 12:16

Mighty cross post with Pepsi there!! Grin

MonderMomen77 · 06/08/2019 12:20

This scenario with your 6 year old wanting to give up her dummy so much in the day time, but then relents when night sets in is so very typical of all the choices/decisions she will have to face whilst growing up.
You need to support her now by being firm with her. This will actually give her confidence when she finally does give her dummy up. She will be so proud and feel like she can take on the world.
She very much reminds me of myself trying to lose weight. I'm full of motivation that I'm not going to eat that junk. Etc etc... but then the craving starts and I eat the chocolate that I really didn't want to, but I ran out of willpower!
Anyway the point is I wish someone would just take the fucking chocolate away so I can't eat it, lose weight and feel better instead of going round in circles being fat and feeling like shite!
Go on throw the dummies away, she will get over her 'craving' in a few nights and feel on top of the world.
The longer this goes on the more ashamed and guilty she will feel for having a dummy at her age, which she really shouldn't but inevitably will.
She's 6 she can only see the small picture. That's were parents come in, we can see the bigger picture.
As long as you are there with lots of cuddles and kind words she will get through it. Good luck do it for your daughter.

Ellieboolou27 · 06/08/2019 12:27

@Pyromare98 after caving in I would leave it for a bit. 2 hours crying is an hour less than the first night but you gave in so it was all for nothing. Did she know the dummy was downstairs? It's like having sweets in the house whilst your trying to avoid them, the temptation is too much.

Set a date with her for giving up dummy for a few weeks, tell her school do not allow any dummies, she is 6 and although I'm a big supporter of dummies (life savers) I would be definitely stopping it at this age.

strawberrypenguin · 06/08/2019 12:46

I agree with pp's I'd have probably carried on once you'd started. However I'd maybe give it a few weeks break now she's had it back. Could you maybe get her something like this teddy that 'holds' a dummy, then when you take the dummy away she still has the teddy?

<a class="break-all" href="https://m.ebay.co.uk/itm/Sleepytot-Baby-Toddler-Comforter-Soother-Dummy-Holder-Clip-Cot-Toy-Boy-Girl-UK/303227281724?ulref=rover.ebay.com/rover/1/710-53481-19255-0/1?ff3=2&pub=5575376664&toolid=10001&campid=5338268676&customid=CjwKCAjwyqTqBRAyEiwA8K4O7zsnjtuzsqdv5YOUiL721p-h-JzdakQQ9KAxy-7v64mHkbr5vNT3BoCTRcQAvDBwE&lgeo=1&item=303227281724&srcrot=710-53481-19255-0&rvrid=2066624849695&rvrts=66bcf19816c0a4d058b27430fff54c6f&mwBanner=1&rdt=1&ulnoapp=true&pageci=83a64121-43ef-40ab-89c4-eda213c7f4dc" rel="nofollow" target="_blank">teddy

saraclara · 06/08/2019 12:48

My dummy sucking child had good teeth, btw. The non-dummy sucking one has a large overbite (like me - another non-dummy sucker) and needed years of braces.
Not all babies/people are the same.

Oysterbabe · 06/08/2019 13:00

The longer this goes on the more ashamed and guilty she will feel for having a dummy at her age, which she really shouldn't but inevitably will.

I agree with this. You are damaging her self esteem by allowing this to continue. On the one hand you're telling her they're for babies and need to go and then on the other not giving her the support she needs to achieve that.

ppeatfruit · 06/08/2019 14:05

She's not walking round the supermarket or school with it in her mouth fgs why should she be ashamed?

If she goes to a sleepover or has one she'd be far too excited to sleep or think about her dummy. This is a huge fuss about nothing. Let her have it, all of you (well not all) stop making a mountain out of a molehill.

Janus · 06/08/2019 14:23

Peafruit I don’t think that’s true. One of mine went for a sleepover aged about 7 without her ‘blanket’ she slept with, I had to drive out at 10pm to drop it off. If they’re used to a comfort they really are until you break that.

MinisterforCheekyFuckery · 06/08/2019 14:55

The poor child is completely and utterly confused and who could blame her?

For years now you and your DH have been talking to her about giving up her dummy, negotiating with her, cajoling, persuading, offering bribes, reading books about it but every time it comes to actually doing something about it you change your mind. So she knows she's too old for the dummy, it's this big embarrassing secret, and she knows that Mummy and Daddy don't think she should have it but they don't take it away...until one day they do...but then they give it back! How exactly is she supposed to make sense of any of this?

So the first night you took it away she cried for three hours. It must have been awful, I get that. But eventually she did go to sleep and everyone survived. Of course the following night there was more crying, that's to be expected, it's only night two and she's trying to break a very entrenched habit she's had her whole life. But then you go and offer her the dummy...so yet again she's given mixed messages and all that distress has been for nothing. And now you're intending to "broach the subject" with her again today? Honestly, what for? So you and DH can convince yourselves that you're doing your best to tackle the problem?

Talking incessantly about giving up the dummy is not doing to make your DD voluntarily give up her dummy, especially when she has been shown time and time again that she can agree with you in the day time and then you'll give it back at night. You have to make the decision for her and bin the bloody things. Either that or just let her have them and leave the subject alone. Just make a choice- you, the adults in the household, not her!- and once you've made it, stick to it. But don't keep subjecting her to this confusing back and forth.

TheFairyCaravan · 06/08/2019 15:06

She's playing you like a fiddle. She knows that if she cries long enough you will give in and let her have the dummies back. If it was me I wouldn't wait until tonight, I'd show her now that her dummies are going in the bin so she can get her tantrum over and done with. You need to be strong and have a united front with your DH.

MargoLovebutter · 06/08/2019 15:20

I disagree "TheFairyCaravan". You are attributing complex adult motivations to a 6 year old. The child has had a dummy every night for 6 years and it fulfils a really basic comfort of sucking (one of our most primitive reflexes). When you take that away, she can't sleep, because she has never learnt how to do that by herself. That's got nothing to do with playing anyone, it is distressing to find yourself without your habitual method of self-soothing your way to sleep.

If someone turned around to you and arbitrarily took away your pillows, I'd say you'd be less than thrilled and even if you could manage your anger and distress better than a 6 year old, you'd probably struggle to get to sleep.

ppeatfruit · 06/08/2019 16:04

A blanky is different Janus .

It is distressing to find yourself without your habitual method of self soothing your way to sleep

Exactly Margo

jellycatspyjamas · 06/08/2019 16:09

The longer this goes on the more ashamed and guilty she will feel for having a dummy at her age, which she really shouldn't but inevitably will.

Only if she’s shamed and made to feel guilty by the adults around her - if she’s offered acceptance of her need for security and comfort and offered other ways to self soothe, and allowed to go at her pace she would have no reason to feel shame or guilt. Besides which shame and guilt are terrible ways to motivate behaviour change in anyone least of all children.

Dandelion1993 · 06/08/2019 16:18

Just chuck them in the bin and be done with it.

ppeatfruit · 06/08/2019 16:23

Yes precisely cats I really disilike the use of shame when it comes to any relationship esp. one of an adult to a child. Most adults need oral comfort too, think cakes and teas, coffees, wine booze etc etc etc..... oh and cigarettes\vapes. So many adults are hypocrites.

ppeatfruit · 06/08/2019 16:25

You gonna chuck your wine or whatever in the bin Dandelion?

SummerHouse · 06/08/2019 16:30

The problem is the option is still there. When you and her are ready, find a skip and chuck it in. She can't ask you for it then and you won't be in turmoil wondering if you should give in.

yikesanotherbooboo · 06/08/2019 16:35

I think that now you have done a night you should stick with it and have something special to look forward to on a few days.
Don't feel bad about her being 6 yo btw. If the was a thumbsucker she would probably still be doing it as children are often a little older than this to manage stopping.

Janus · 06/08/2019 16:35

Ppeatfruit how is a blanket different from a dummy if it’s still used as a comfort? I had to drive out in the middle of the night to drop off blanket, OP will have to drive out in the middle of the night to drop off a dummy which will be far more embarrassing. I’m sorry but if you don’t stop this now it will get harder and harder. BUT I still wouldn’t start this again tonight as it’s too confusing. Come back to it in a month or so and resolve to throw all dummies in the bin and then take the rubbish to the tip so you won’t and can’t give in.

thisnamechanger · 06/08/2019 16:43

it was also 19 years ago when it was acceptable to feed your DC coco pops for breakfast and pack them a peanut butter sandwich in their lunch box. Different times

I bloody loved Coco pops derail

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