6 yr old DD still has a dummy

[Pyromare98]

More of a WWYD I suppose. Name change for this as I'm v.embarrassed. I must concede that my 6 year old DD still has a dummy at bedtime. I know what you must be thinking, but she is only allowed it strictly to go to sleep, it helps her wind down right before bed. She is very aware that she is far too old for it, and would be mortified if anyone found out about it, (only me, DH, her brother, and her grandparents know that she still has one.) We have tried many times to get her to give it up but it's always a massive struggle, we've had visits for the dummy fairy, and santa to take them away, we've read books about giving it up, and once we even 'forgot' it when we came back from holiday. But everytime she just gets so upset.

We saw on the one show the other night, this woman that helps children give up the dummy in five days. We watched it together and she saw children, much younger than her, give up there dummies with very little fuss. We discussed this with her, and she said that she wanted to go to bed without a dummy, starting on Sunday, (last night.) She was very excited for this, until she got into bed. She then started to sob, saying she missed her dummy, begging us to let her have it. She eventually fell asleep after 3 hours of crying, I even heard her in the night, softly sobbing. It was heartbreaking. This morning I told her how well she had done, but she just asked if she could have a dummy tonight.

DH and I are conflicted, on one hand she's way too old for it, on the other, what's the harm? It hasn't effected her teeth, as the dentist has assured me, and her speech is fantastic. One second she wants to be a big girl and give it up, which we are here to help and support her for, the next minute she just wants her dummy.
I feel so evil for not letting her have it, should I just give her the dummy?
Help.

op,You offered the dummy?For goodness sake!
Stop tip toeing around your dc and put the dummy in the bin.
You must grow up and parent your child.
By suggesting she had her dummy was the very worst thing you could have said and you really should be ashamed of yourself.
I'm sorry to sound harsh but you are not helping your dc in any way,shape of form.
Hello her it's in the bin.get her a new comforter today and stand firm.
When she sees you actually 100% believe this is the right thing to do and you're not changing your mind she will accept it and feel comforted that her parents are in charge so she is safe.

Tell her not hello!sorry.

Dear God I hate to be you when she's a teen! Or needs an operation! Or daily injections. Be a bloody parent! No child ever cried so much they stopped breathing and died. You've just reinforced yet again that if she makes a massive fuss you'll give in.

I’m not sure how helpful this is but I had a dummy until I was 4 and then sucked my lip until I was a teenager instead and even now I still suck my tongue (sounds weird I can’t describe it) when I’m comfortable or going to sleep and I have an awful 12mm overbite you’ve got through one night so try and persevere and take the focus off the dummy saying ‘oh we don’t have it anymore big girls don’t need them’ and try not to make a big fuss as hard as it is x

Christ on a bike, this is some shitty parenting.

She is asking you to be the parent and you are failing her.

This. and that is EXTREMELY frightening for a 6 year old - the knowledge that actually mummy and daddy aren't in control, she is. She won't be able to articulate that, but it will leave her with an overwhelming feeling of insecurity.

So the night before. You put her through all that upset for nothing and 2 hours last night. That's cruel..
Good. Luck when she's older and hormonal and throws a tantrum to get what she wants.
Just cut thw ends. Put them in the bin and show her thats where they are.. She's 6 she understands that they're gone. It's. Tuff.

I know it's hard. My Ds was 4.5 yo when I took dummies from him and he was crying and nodding saying he understood when I explained why there would be no more dummies and I just wanted to give him his dummy, my heart broke for him. It took 3 nights and he was dummy free and was fine. You need to sit your daughter down and explain the reasons why she can bo longer have a dummy, write a list of reasons together. You need to have all the willpower for the both of you and help give her the confidence she needs to feel she doesn't need pacifiers anymore. I hope she's dummy free soon.

I’m afraid this isn’t going to happen. She’s now learnt that if she cries enough you’ll give in. Maybe just leave it for now and come back in a few months. Honestly, after you gave in last night, you can’t expect tonight to work.

Begging, pleading, cajoling, deal-making - with a 6 year old!

You are confusing her, you absolute idiots. You’re asking her to make what feels like a very big life-changing decision.

She can’t do it. She’s wondering if the new toy is worth exchanging for her dummy. She doesn’t know if it’s the right choice so she sticks with what’s familiar. She thinks she might like the teddy but not sure sure if she can cope with losing the dummy so she sticks with the status quo.

She’s 6!!! She can’t make these choices for herself. Stop treating a child like an adult.

She’s crying for two hours because she’s so overwhelmed by what she’s got herself into and desperately need an someone to fix it for her.

Parents fix things. They make choices for their children. They do the right thing, even when their child cries and begs for the alternative.

DO IT.

Watch children's TV, wait for her to see an advert for a giant bit of over priced plastic tat, as soon as she asks for said tat offer to buy it in exchange for the dummies

NO NO NO

More crap advice from parents who negotiate with their children. Just bin them. Look after her during the fallout. It will pass. It will be unpleasant and then it will be over.

Jesus, I am full of sympathy & really don't think that a nighttime dummy is such a bad thing (having sucked my own thumb until 20) BUT going back on a decision you've made is a really bad idea.

I would leave this now for a month and then make a plan and come back to it and stick to it. Don't do anything tonight, as you'll all be revved up and stressed about it after the last two nights.

Either you don't care & eventually she'll grow out of it, or you really want her to stop and you have to stick to it.

OP, you're not failing as a parent. Don't take the hyperbole to heart. This is really not such a huge issue; cut yourself some slack and maybe forget about the whole dummy thing for a bit.

escapade, yes.

Provided it's not seen by other children or adults who judge, what's the harm?
She won't take to any other comfort props now, so it's a waste of time trying blankets etc.

Make sure she has a strict bedtime routine, like bath, drink, story which should be a wind down in itself and ask her to try to sleep for 10 minutes without the dummy and if she's still awake then she can have it. She may just fall asleep without it. She's just emotionally dependent on it so you have to demonstrate to her that she actually can do without it.

Aaaaawww let her have her dummy. My daughter was the same with breastfeeding. She stopped when she was ready to stop, didn't do her any harm whatsoever.

Provided it's not seen by other children or adults who judge, what's the harm?
She won't take to any other comfort props now, so it's a waste of time trying blankets etc.

Make sure she has a strict bedtime routine, like bath, drink, story which should be a wind down in itself and ask her to try to sleep for 10 minutes without the dummy and if she's still awake then she can have it. She may just fall asleep without it. She's just emotionally dependent on it so you have to demonstrate to her that she actually can do without it.

Please stop beating yourself up about something so insignificant, and shame on people here being so judgemental. It's a bit of rubber fgs

OP: these comments are harsh and judgemental, as is AIBU's wont, but honestly on this occasion I think you deserve a little harshness and ill-judgement! Do have a little sense.

I've not read the whole thread, so this may have been mentioned already.
This is a habit now, and she needs to break the habit, and this is very hard to do, as surely we all must know.
Whether it's done drastically or over time, I really dont know.

My son is 9 and still sucks his thumb, at night only. When I check on him at night, his thumb is in his mouth, it's a habit.

DH says tonight we should try with a cut up dummy, so even though I'm sceptical, we are going to broach the subject tonight.
This reads as your going to broach the cut dummy idea with DD. Don't. That's not how this method works.

In all honestly you need to sit down with your DH and decide if and how you are going to do this.
You've had lots of ideas here some gentler than others.
Pick a method. Decide when your going to start.
Stick to it.
You can't go back, you aren't being fair to your daughter.

This is really tough. I agree that if you give it back to her now, last night’s upset will be for nothing.

I have the Calm app on my phone and sometimes play relaxation tracks to my children if they are struggling to settle down to sleep. Perhaps something like this would help in the short term?

Why put her through a night of crying if you are just going to give in tonight? Pointless. Take her out and buy her a teddy to replace the dummy. You are the one that has created this issue by leaving her this long. Part of parenting is having to actually parent and not always choosing the easy solution.

I am at a loss as to why anyone ever gives a dummy to a baby??!! I saw a tiny little mite, only days old with one last week. When my baby cried I did what was necessary at the time, cuddled her and then put her down. Why on earth do some mothers take the easy way out and plonk a dummy in the little one's mouth.

I was violently anti dummy when I had my first. No way were my babies going to have one. But when my first had violent colic and crieed from late afternoon onwards every day for several hours, my health visitor suggested one. I had tried everything else, so capitulated. My husband bought one on the way home from work, sterilised it while she was still screaming, then we popped it in her mouth. Instantly her whole body relaxed, she took a long breath out, and within a couple of minutes she was asleep.
She was a very sucky baby, and the dummy was a life saver when she was stressed. I popped it out as soon as she was happy though. I still hate to see toddlers running around playing, with a dummy in their mouth.

She gave the bedtime dummy up when she was about to start nursery, and wanted to be a big girl. Fortunately a star chart with the reward of a My Little Pony did the job.

Her sister on the other hand, never had a dummy. I tried her with one but she wasn't interested. Babies are not all the same @percheron67

Oh Pyromare Why not take the 'ignore, it's not important ,advice". that's the advice given to parents who are force feeding their children and creating fuss when it's not at all necessary.

Because she will work out it's not important if you CALM DOWN let her have the damn dummy. Ignore all the advice to be strong and throw the dummies in the bin . That is not being a parent it's being cruel.

Now that you've given it back, just leave it for a while. It seems that you don't really feel the need to get rid of it, since you gave her one last night. Wait until you see an opportunity and talk to her. If she's completely on board it'll be much easier.