6 yr old DD still has a dummy

[Pyromare98]

More of a WWYD I suppose. Name change for this as I'm v.embarrassed. I must concede that my 6 year old DD still has a dummy at bedtime. I know what you must be thinking, but she is only allowed it strictly to go to sleep, it helps her wind down right before bed. She is very aware that she is far too old for it, and would be mortified if anyone found out about it, (only me, DH, her brother, and her grandparents know that she still has one.) We have tried many times to get her to give it up but it's always a massive struggle, we've had visits for the dummy fairy, and santa to take them away, we've read books about giving it up, and once we even 'forgot' it when we came back from holiday. But everytime she just gets so upset.

We saw on the one show the other night, this woman that helps children give up the dummy in five days. We watched it together and she saw children, much younger than her, give up there dummies with very little fuss. We discussed this with her, and she said that she wanted to go to bed without a dummy, starting on Sunday, (last night.) She was very excited for this, until she got into bed. She then started to sob, saying she missed her dummy, begging us to let her have it. She eventually fell asleep after 3 hours of crying, I even heard her in the night, softly sobbing. It was heartbreaking. This morning I told her how well she had done, but she just asked if she could have a dummy tonight.

DH and I are conflicted, on one hand she's way too old for it, on the other, what's the harm? It hasn't effected her teeth, as the dentist has assured me, and her speech is fantastic. One second she wants to be a big girl and give it up, which we are here to help and support her for, the next minute she just wants her dummy.
I feel so evil for not letting her have it, should I just give her the dummy?
Help.

Watch children's TV, wait for her to see an advert for a giant bit of over priced plastic tat, as soon as she asks for said tat offer to buy it in exchange for the dummies.

Sell the dream of exciting forbidden plastic crap.
Buy toy, ideally from a proper toy shop for extra excitement.
Destroy dummies.
Tough it out.

Worked for my older child!

Everyone is different just because YOUR child had dental and jaw growth problems with dummies doesn't mean every child will. That's nonsense.

My teeth are brilliant I didn't suck anything , dsis sucked her thumb till it was smaller than her other one! Her teeth are just fine.

dd1 and dd2 both sucked their thumbs both have good teeth, ds1 who sucked NOTHING needed orthodontal help to straighten his 2 front teeth. I think it might be genetic or maybe bottle feeding giving babies more possibility of jaw misalignment. They don't have to suck so hard . But we're all different. OP go with your child.

Last night she had a dummy. It was only after 2 hours of crying, to the point where she was struggling to breathe. Nothing I could think of helped. I asked her if she wanted a dummy, and she nodded, so I went downstairs and got her a dummy. She calmed down instantly. This morning DH and I said to her that if the dummies went in the bin that we would take her to build a bear and she could get a new teddy to replace it, but even the thought of binning the dummies lead to tears. DH says tonight we should try with a cut up dummy, so even though I'm sceptical, we are going to broach the subject tonight.

I do feel you are just perpetuating it all. Just bin them!

Broaching the subject, who is the parent?!

Pyromare, when my kids are SO UPSET about a thing, I think it's a symbol of something else.

So I'd help them process those feelings, using active listening. That means: setting boundaries and sticking to them, while supporting the child through their feelings.

I've found it a really helpful thing that has made a huge difference to my relationship with my kids. I'd look up 'aha parenting' for more information. Dr Markham's books are excellent.

What I tend to do in this situation is active listening, lots of hugs and reassurance, loving, sitting with them. For example, last night there were meltdowns over my daughter wanting 'a malteser'. So I wouldn't let her have one, she went on lots of huge weeping and fuss. I sat with her and kept supporting her and listening (while still not allowing her to have the malteser, but allowing her to feel all the feelings she is feeling about it. Even if it seems ridiculous, the point is to allow it, the process is about recognising and allowing buried emotions to be safely discharged).

She goes on about the malteser for a bit, but eventually, bit by bit, lots of other emotions come out. It's a bit like therapy for kids, I suppose. She had a huge cry, let out lots of emotions about starting school last year, we had a lot of cuddles and chatting and a lovely evening afterwards.

In my view, the dummy is probably akin to the malteser. The dummy is irrelevant - I expect your daughter is carrying sadness about something and wants support in letting out the emotions.

Happy to explain more if you think this might be a helpful approach. It can be hard to negotiate at the time, but I've found it really transformative. x

You're dragging it out.

When my dd was 3 we collected the dummies and put them in an envelope which we "posted" to the babies. We went and bought a teddy as a reward.

At bedtime she wanted the dummy but I reminded her they were gone, she knew they were gone so got on with it.

You have done this half heartedly a few times so I think it will be a struggle to get dd on board. But whenever the decision is made get rid of them and stick to it.

Your poor daughter is embarrassed about this. I would feel sad for her about that too not just the temporary lack of comfort.

By giving her that dummy last night you put her through 2 hours of crying for NOTHING.

Well, I'm sorry to hear that.

You should have cut the dummy last night, as your DH had suggested, or you should have binned them entirely so that the temptation wasn't there.

You being "sceptical" is part of the issue.

Of COURSE the very idea of it now leads to tears. Because you have proved to her that it's the "only thing that works" for comfort. She slept without it the first night. She would have slept without it again.

I am absolutely hugely sympathetic to you - I have a DC who could not calm themselves from a big upset at that age (a crying episode of great emotion would often lead to "struggling to breathe" and appear to get worse and worse whilst nothing we suggested helped). They're still not great at calming themselves from that state now they're older - they just get into that state less! But because they never had an "easy option" soother they had to learn how to calm themselves. The same child also struggles sometimes to drop off to sleep. Again, they have had to learn techniques. Sometimes it's my job to just sit with them and bear the upset and the disturbed evening for however long it takes. That's my job, to help them find a way to deal with their emotions and their sleep.

Dont give her back the dummy. She has done the hard part (first night) this time next month it will feel like the norm for her not to have it. Change is hard. Ride it out. She isnt a baby. Her self confidence and self esteem might be affected if she knows she is too old but feels she needs it. Is she to assume she is more baby like than her peers. Maybe a special teddy to take to bed will help her. But dont turn back now. She knows she is too old. She wont thankyou when she is older for letting her have a dummy til 6 7 8 9. She needs to do it at some point. She wont come to any harm not having it. Stay strong for her.

Deary me, you’re being had by a 6 yr old who now knows if she screams enough you’ll give in. Good luck when she’s 14 🙄

You’ve been dragging this out for 5 years and you have made this into the drama that it is. You need to parent your child and take them away, the poor kid doesn’t know if she’s coming or going on it and the upset is caused by that. You keep half doing it, no wonder she’s upset.

help them process those feelings, using active listening. That means: setting boundaries and sticking to them, while supporting the child through their feelings.

^^ YY to this.

Your just making this into a big deal - cut them up and throw them out and say she is far to big for them now, if you keep giving them back she isn’t going to learn that she can sleep without them

Dummies in bin

Build a bear for a new teddy

Don't give in so easily

You are making it so much worse by keep giving in! All you are teaching her is that if she screams enough she will get her dummy back. Whatever you do to try and get rid of it now will be a battle where she will scream and cry hoping you'll give in because you have done before.

The thing is, it seems as though your DD wants to give it up. She knows she is too old and is embarrassed. You need to be strong for her and help her

Apologies not sure why my post duplicated

OP - it seems that you are trying to be kind, but you really really are being quite cruel.

Your DD has cried for 5 hours over two days for absolutely nothing. She will now be confused, at best, at the mixed messages you are giving her.

You need to be clear with her that ALL the dummies are going in the bin. Then you will have to provide hours of comfort to help her adjust.

At the end of the day, this situation is not going away. Dragging it out is just traumatising your DD. Please try to see this from a different perspective.

I had a dummy until I was 6 or 7 when we went on holiday and my parents ‘forgot’ to pack one. I remember being miserable all holiday and the first thing I did on getting home was go to get a dummy but somehow they were all lost. I remember searching the house and not finding one and my parents playing dumb. I was distraught at how they may have disappeared. It was years before I realised they must have thrown them away and I never quite forgave them. As a teen I got into the whole ‘candy kid’ raver scene where we all went to clubs sucking on dummies and I’m sure it stemmed from feeling my dummy was taken before I was ready to give it up.

But anyway I don’t think any of you are ready for this and I think that taking it away for a night but then giving it back the next is just sending out confusing messages to your DD.

The dummy isn’t doing her any harm so I would just forget giving it up for now. It’s become too much of a big thing this week with huge hysterics and tears and tantrums and it’s unlikely she’s going to approach it calmly tonight after such a big deal (and eventually getting it back) last night. She’s feeling out of control and pressured and anxious about not having the dummy and I don’t think that’s a good recipe for success. I think going ‘cold turkey’ might work with a toddler but it’s different with a six-year-old who is of an age to want and need more autonomy/ responsibility and will have more complex feelings about the dummy and giving it up. The tactics that have worked for other posters with their 2/ 3 year olds can’t just be transferred to an older child and I think it’s cruel to put your foot down on this and cut the dummies up or throw them away etc if she’s not involved or got any control in the decision.

I would just leave it for now and try the conversation about giving it up with her again in a few months. It just doesn’t seem worth all of this upset when it’s causing no harm. Chances are in the future there will be something she wants to do like a sleepover which motivate her to get rid of the dummy naturally. It will be far less of a big deal if it’s something she initiates herself and wants to cooperate with than it being forced upon her by her parents.

You don’t want her to give up the dummies. Let’s be honest about this here, you’re maybe struggling with her growing up or is she your last “baby”? There is an issue here but I’d put money on it not being your daughters. And sadly you are sending her such mixed messages I feel sorry for her. She is asking you to be the parent and you are failing her.

Simple solution is no dummies in the house so you can't give in and fetch her one. I agree with Pippa, it seems you're contributing to the importance of the dummy, building it's presence into this important thing that deserves a great deal of upset when it is gone.

Oh fgs. Does the OP not see that it is she (and her DH) who are making this a problem for her with all the rending of clothes and knashing of teeth.

Start adulting fgs! She is too little to understand your 'getting her to agree' daftness.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but I feel very sorry for this little girl. To paraphrase another oft-used MN expression, she doesn't have a dummy problem, she has a DM / DR problem

Sorry, I pressed 'Post' too soon. Should have been DM/DF problem.

Does she still have her front teeth? It might change and stop naturally after that. Alternatively try cutting the end off and every couple of days a little bit more??
It will stop though so actually I wouldn't worry about it - there are much worse things to worry about.

Does she still have her front teeth? It might change and stop naturally after that. Alternatively try cutting the end off and every couple of days a little bit more??
It will stop though so actually I wouldn't worry about it - there are much worse things to worry about.