AIBU or is this totally not on?

[Bellasblankexpression]

Been away for the weekend as had an event to attend with DH. Let a relative stay in our flat while we were gone as they were attending a wedding in the area and it would save them hotel and massive cab costs etc.

They've stayed before so didn't think it would be a problem. Hadn't heard from them other than a text to say they'd be gone by the time we got back, which isn't unusual.

Got back to find the place is an absolute tip. It's filthy - I don't understand how so much mess has been created in such a short space of time. It looks like someone has been quite unwell in the bathroom and not bothered to clean up the erm...residue.
All the toilet paper has gone [there were five rolls when I left and two more in the cupboard].
A bottle of rum has been drunk - the empty bottle has been left on the side, no attempt to conceal it. A couple of glasses are missing, judging by some of the mess on the kitchen floor I would guess they were smashed.
Our soundbar isn't working because it looks like it's been knocked off the front of the tv unit and the lead has been damaged.
the pull cord on the light in the bathroom has been snapped.
Black marks have been trod in on the living room carpet and looks like some kind of food spillage by the sofa.

I am utterly shocked. Every other time they've stayed it's been left tidily, we don't expect it to be immaculate or anything, you know just not in chaos - relative hasn't been in contact aside from that one message, and has obviously just walked out and left it with no attempt to tidy up.

I am not being unreasonable in wanting to call them up and demanding to know wtf happened am I? I don't know whether I need to cool down a bit and think rationally before I go in all guns blazing .

Never letting anyone stay when we aren't there again. Feel like an idiot.

Love the spreadsheet

That spreadsheet! 😍

Are family members saying a drunk 28 year old shouldn’t be made to pay for stuff she broke in a party she threw in your home??

Yes we probably have all made mistakes but then we should all definitely apologise immediately and unreservedly and do what needs to be done to put things right.

You could add a column to the spreadsheet where other family members can offer to contribute.

The spreadsheet is genius. I am slightly in awe

They're getting involved because she's the baby and she's always managed to get out of stuff by victimising herself. They also don't want a family fall out.

Fuck that. I would send the spreadsheet and ask for everyone who is defending her to chip in for the deep clean and the replacement of all the broken/stolen stuff.

If they want to subsidise a grown ass adult let 'em. Get what you need and I'd be backing off from the lot of them.

I couldn't respect anyone who condones this behaviour.

Definitely send the message above to relatives hounding you-this is not a teenager making bad decisions this is a grown arse woman!

I would definitely message the relatives, particularly as you have a family BBQ coming up. It sounds like they think you should be more lenient and you shouldn't be put in an awkward spot by them at the BBQ. Better to get it out of the way before then.

OP,

Extraordinary bad behaviour.

I have simply never heard of this happening with an adult.

I would definitely circulate the photos.

I call absolute bull shit on anyone suggesting everyone's done it.

I would say overwhelmingly people most certainly haven't done that.

Seeing the photos disallows any confusion as to how bad the mess was.

You need to add another row to the spreadsheet 'if you answered yes to any of the above, what age were you at the time?'

We've all thrown a party that got out of hand erm, no we haven't, and the few that have it's generally in their own home, not someone else's!! Hopefully you can laugh about this with your cousing in the future (far distant future), but for now you have every right to be upset and to be the one any sympathy should be directed towards.

That spreadsheet is everything! Awesome. You need to get them to fill it in now OP!

Add onto the spreadsheet: "Stole or allowed my guests to steal valuable items from a house I was staying in for free"

I think i probably still would op. It may shame her in front of her friends

I’ve had messages from relatives saying we’ve all made mistakes and thrown a party that got out of hand etc etc

Of course we all have, but at 28 you do that then own the consequences, especially if it was in someone else's home. She should be going out of her way, begging forgiveness and asking what she needs to do to fix this.

I feel for you Bella and concur with those who have suggested you don't let it go with the relatives who've said we've all made mistakes. Why should you be cast as the baddie? I'd be cautious about all of those who've not taken your side with this and keep my distance in the longer term, they're really twerps. Who the heck would behave like your cousin, she's gone loopy that's for sure, she duped you once, never let it happen again. You warmly let her have free rein in your house and she treated you like this. What a fool she's turned out to be. Enjoy your pregnancy and know that you've got right on your side.

I thinks the spreadsheet should have a tick column saying "happy to have cousin do the same in their home"

At least some of your relatives are showing their true colours, so you now know who not to bother with in the future.

Your family excusing her behaviour is one of the reasons she’s such an entitled selfish infantile woman. She is 28 ffs, not 18. Most 28 year old’s have careers, homes of their own and families. They’re not inviting strangers back to their relatives home and trashing it.

My cousin had a house party that got out of hand once, the house was a complete wreck. She was 15. This is something teenagers do, not people in their late twenties.

They're right - we have all made mistakes but it's how we deal with them that shows and she's lied and lied again and not even apologised.

We haven't all thrown a party that's got out of hand (I haven't and nobody else that I know of has) and say we did, we wouldn't do it in someone elses property and we'd clean up after ourselves/

I really feel for you. You were doing a nice thing and have been treated awfully.

It would have been different if she had just cleaned up after herself and admitted it from the start. The fact she left the house in a state and then effectively hid from you is childish and unacceptable!
I agree with the ones who suggest you show the pictures why should you have to look like your overreacting when it's her that's in the wrong. I'd be tempted to stick them on my Facebook and tag them in it.

To be honest, if they are the sort of people who turn up at a strangers place and trash it then they will probably find pictures of it on facebook amusing.

Where is the bbq? You could look around and say if I poured that bottle out into he floor there, vomited on the sofa, pulled the lead out of your tv, then I’ll just go into the bathroom and steal your expensive toiletries shall I? Apparently that’s fine and you wpuldnt even expect me to pay the damages .

Loving the spreadsheet!
She definitely needs to pay up and take responsibility, and as for the relatives who've said everyone does things like that - what a load of poppycock. I never have, and I don't know anyone else who has, and definitely not in someone else's home.
Hope you're feeling OK, don't let it stress you, but don't let it drop, either xx

Your relatives may be minimising as a) it didn't effect them and b) they are worried the fallout will cause them awkwardness!

I.e- selfish reasons.