AIBU or is this totally not on?

[Bellasblankexpression]

Been away for the weekend as had an event to attend with DH. Let a relative stay in our flat while we were gone as they were attending a wedding in the area and it would save them hotel and massive cab costs etc.

They've stayed before so didn't think it would be a problem. Hadn't heard from them other than a text to say they'd be gone by the time we got back, which isn't unusual.

Got back to find the place is an absolute tip. It's filthy - I don't understand how so much mess has been created in such a short space of time. It looks like someone has been quite unwell in the bathroom and not bothered to clean up the erm...residue.
All the toilet paper has gone [there were five rolls when I left and two more in the cupboard].
A bottle of rum has been drunk - the empty bottle has been left on the side, no attempt to conceal it. A couple of glasses are missing, judging by some of the mess on the kitchen floor I would guess they were smashed.
Our soundbar isn't working because it looks like it's been knocked off the front of the tv unit and the lead has been damaged.
the pull cord on the light in the bathroom has been snapped.
Black marks have been trod in on the living room carpet and looks like some kind of food spillage by the sofa.

I am utterly shocked. Every other time they've stayed it's been left tidily, we don't expect it to be immaculate or anything, you know just not in chaos - relative hasn't been in contact aside from that one message, and has obviously just walked out and left it with no attempt to tidy up.

I am not being unreasonable in wanting to call them up and demanding to know wtf happened am I? I don't know whether I need to cool down a bit and think rationally before I go in all guns blazing .

Never letting anyone stay when we aren't there again. Feel like an idiot.

The fact that this cousin of yours lives in her mother's annex is very telling. Probably has never had to take any responsibility in her life. How can she just try to fob you off with "well I was ill and didn't notice the mayhem"? What a rude, entitled parasite.

I'd comment on the facebook pictures, actually. She must know them at least a little, if they are facebook friends.

I'd actually be tempted to ask which one of them committed theft and criminal damage in your home, and tell them you're going to submit the photos to the police. (I don't know if that's a good idea, but I'd be bloody tempted)

I would be stripping the bed immediately and cleaning it, as well as any upholstery. God only knows who could have been shagging on it

Just asked a police officer who confirmed that IF those who stole the things could be found they could be arrested for burglary as the OP didn’t give them permission to enter her home. It would be down to the CPS to decide for sure whether they could be charged with burglary. OPs cousin could be arrested for criminal damage as she was given permission to enter. It is very serious what cousin has done

Your cousin is an arsehole. If she was that unwell, why invite anyone back. So full of shit. I’d be visiting Aunt, showing her photos and asking where the CF is. Threaten prosecution for criminal damage, unless cf takes full responsibility and coughs up. I’d set a date, if not reimbursed FULL amount I’d be going to small claims court. She had no right inviting people she hardly knows to your flat.

Did she look well enough in the Facebook photos? She also knows them well enough to be friends on social media.
She’s trying very hard to shirk responsibility. What a donut.

I would definitely tell your aunt. Not because she needs to take responsibility but I can tell you from experience that remorse after something like this reduces very rapidly (and there doesn't seem to have been much to start with)

It won't be long before your cousin has totally convinced herself that she is the victim and you are the bad guy.

Tell your aunt so that people know the truth. You have no obligation to your cousin to keep this a secret for her. It will also mean that you won't ever be pressured by family to do something similar in the future because they will know what happened this time.

She needs to understand just how much of an impact her behaviour has had on you and by keeping it secret, she will be able to develop her own version of events, firstly in her own head and then with other people when she tells them what happened.

You have done nothing wrong, you owe her nothing and you need to get this out and air it before it becomes a source of festering resentment you can never properly address because nobody else knows about it.

Personally, I would get DH to call and explain how stressful this has been. Mind you, I wouldn't be able to stop my DH from calling even if I wanted to

Any update @Bellasblankexpression?

Yeah, any updates @Bellasblankexpression?

Hello, sorry I disappeared, life got in the way!

To the previous poster who asked about her living arrangements - my cousin purchased the property with my aunt and uncle so she could live in the annexe which is a stand alone granny flat.
She’s normally a perfectly reasonable, thoughtful, compassionate person which is why I was so taken aback by this.

After much back and forth (she insisting she was ill and that the missing items were nothing to do with her etc etc) she finally fessed up.
She couldn’t really say much after she was tagged in those pictures - she looks perfectly fine, like she’s having a whale of a time in fact, no sign of the mysterious food poisoning.

Basically, the bar at the wedding did end up closing but they didn’t just magically end up at mine of course, she was already drunk, had taken a shine to a guy and suggested they all come back here.

Things got out of hand when everyone got even more drunk, cousin got so drunk she threw up so left her guests to their own devices for a bit.

They got bored and left, she woke up in the bathroom realising what a state the place was. Did her best to tidy up but felt so terrible just left in a panic and decided for some reason to just brazen it out.

I’m pleased she finally admitted it but am furious about all the lying and we are not currently on good terms.
She’s replaced the lead for the soundbar but apparently can’t afford to replace the other items.

After I tried to keep family out of it, SHE has got them involved and I’ve had messages from relatives saying we’ve all made mistakes and thrown a party that got out of hand etc etc

Yes maybe when we were teenagers or whatever in our own houses...

Anyway, I am pushing to get money back for the missing items - I’m digging my heels in purely because she lied repeatedly t wriggle out of it and only confessed when there was evidence that she was lying. Had she admitted it straight off I would have been mad, but I’d have let it go.

Thanks for all the messages of advice and support. I’m not going to get the police involved I don’t think, I’ve managed to clean up the mess now and my aunt is offering to pay for a deep clean which I am loathe to accept because she shouldn’t be bailing my cousin out.

That is a real essay, sorry!

I would tell all of these relatives that they can let this idiot stay at their homes next time. Somehow I doubt they will welcome her with open arms to visit unattended. Stick to your guns, op. This situation is absolutely unforgivable.

It’s woefully predictable isn’t it? In fact a fair few posters predicted she would respond this way, painting herself as a victim.
I’m really really shocked tbh.

I’d respond to them and say that no, you can’t say that you’ve ever stayed at someone else’s home and then invited strangers to that home for a party, who then stole and wrecked the place. No you haven’t then left the pregnant relative arrive home to clear up my sick, their home trashed and their belongings stolen. No I haven’t then switched my phone off and tried to dodge my responsibilities. No, because I’m an adult who was happy to let a relative stay to save money, a relative who dodged you until the proof was very clear so actually relatives, we haven’t all done similar. Some of us make mistakes but don’t try to then not accept when we are wrong, some of us would do our very best to put things right.

Glad she owned up but still not reasonable behaviour. Definitely chase for the money.

Ignore the texts from other family members. Bet they wouldn't be happy if it had been their house!

I am so sick of the infantilisation of grown adults these days. This woman is 28 - 28!!! She trashed someone's house because she fancied a bloke - it's pathetic and childish is what it is! This is a story that you'd expect to hear about a 17 year old not a 28 year old. It's my understanding that you are pregnant so maybe the biggest lesson to take from this is not to do everything for our children as they grow up so that they don't grow up to become Peter Pans with a huge sense of entitlement; not to treat them as a child when they are no longer one, like a lot of your relatives seem to be doing here; and in future if relatives can't afford hotels they can damn well go without!

Persevere with her paying you back even if it's spread over time. I wouldn't let her wriggle out of that one.

It sounds like your aunt knows the score if she has offered a deep clean. Perhaps she is the one who ensured she answered the phone and tell the truth. If so, over time the other relatives will know what really happened.

I'm genuinely shocked and trying to look back and see if I would act that way at 28 but I wouldn't even at 16.

I'm also shocked at relatives defending her and can't see how they could if they knew the full story.

@WelshMammaofaSlovak totally agree. I've worked with someone like this. Always in a total mess, never ever their fault. When I pointed out the common denominator in the situations was always her, we had tantrums

Op, this is shit. You've effectively been burgled but because you consented to let her stay, you can't even claim on any insurance. You're in a horrible position and I'd be livid.

The best thing you can do for her is (as you are doing) call her on it, not accept pathetic excuses for it. 28 is a fully grown adult. She needs to take responsibility and anyone who enables this shit is doing her no favours in life.

I wouldn’t ignore the messages from your relatives I would be brutally honest as a op suggested.

Did you get any photos before you cleaned up, send them on to everyone so they can see cousins ‘mistake’

I agree with icelollycraving. I'd have to message the other family members and tell them exactly how it is. No way should they think less of you because of your childish, selfish cousin!

Id tell your relatives thats fine thy can have her and her thieving mates in their house and see how much they like it when their stuff is nicked

Accept the deep clean, maybe it will shame her

@mrmeseeks I don’t think anything is going to shame her now. She doesn’t even seem that remorseful, more irritated that I’ve caught her out.

I definitely wouldn’t have done this when I was 28.

I’m still baffled by the whole thing as it’s SO out of character. If you knew her, you’d know what I mean. It’s like she’s suddenly gone mad and become an entirely different person.

I was ignoring messages from relatives because I couldn’t be bothered to get into it with them, especially since there’s a big family bbq at the end of the month that takes place every year. But I’m more than irritated they’ve taken it upon themselves to get involved.

Never, never again.

I'd reply to all those family messages with the photos of the damage caused tell them the whole story... She's painting you as the bad guy here and herself as the victim. She's already involved these people, get your side across now.

As you have a family gathering at the end of the month, I have taken 5 minutes out of a very, very slow work day to draw up a chart that your other family members can fill in to see how much "they've all done that" and see how reasonable the behaviour is (isn't).

Yep, reply to relatives with just the photos.

She's a bag of shite letting people steal from a pregnant woman!!!! Twathead