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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is this totally not on?

452 replies

Bellasblankexpression · 04/08/2019 17:18

Been away for the weekend as had an event to attend with DH. Let a relative stay in our flat while we were gone as they were attending a wedding in the area and it would save them hotel and massive cab costs etc.

They've stayed before so didn't think it would be a problem. Hadn't heard from them other than a text to say they'd be gone by the time we got back, which isn't unusual.

Got back to find the place is an absolute tip. It's filthy - I don't understand how so much mess has been created in such a short space of time. It looks like someone has been quite unwell in the bathroom and not bothered to clean up the erm...residue.
All the toilet paper has gone [there were five rolls when I left and two more in the cupboard].
A bottle of rum has been drunk - the empty bottle has been left on the side, no attempt to conceal it. A couple of glasses are missing, judging by some of the mess on the kitchen floor I would guess they were smashed.
Our soundbar isn't working because it looks like it's been knocked off the front of the tv unit and the lead has been damaged.
the pull cord on the light in the bathroom has been snapped.
Black marks have been trod in on the living room carpet and looks like some kind of food spillage by the sofa.

I am utterly shocked. Every other time they've stayed it's been left tidily, we don't expect it to be immaculate or anything, you know just not in chaos - relative hasn't been in contact aside from that one message, and has obviously just walked out and left it with no attempt to tidy up.

I am not being unreasonable in wanting to call them up and demanding to know wtf happened am I? I don't know whether I need to cool down a bit and think rationally before I go in all guns blazing .

Never letting anyone stay when we aren't there again. Feel like an idiot.

OP posts:
Whosorrynow · 05/08/2019 21:38

I suppose they were just all too off their faces to do anything 😳

EllenMP · 05/08/2019 21:52

I wouldn't bother phoning them. Getting into a fight about it will only make them defensive. I would email them an itemised bill for the repair/replacement of your belongings, and then obviously not allow them in your house again. And possibly never see them again, unless their payment is accompanied by a fulsome apology.

EllenMP · 05/08/2019 21:52

And don't forget to take pictures before you clean up!

VenusTiger · 05/08/2019 21:53

@Bellasblankexpression your aunt told you she was sleeping off a hangover lmao.... can’t believe on top of all the disgraceful and disrespectful behaviour, she’s now lying!!
Wow! Don’t let this go.
And what friends does she keep who steal stuff from strangers houses!!

LuckyVal · 05/08/2019 22:04

I would be livid if this was me, bad enough that anyone would do this, but your cousin?!! It’s so disrespectful.
Do you think these other people stayed over? I’d be worried about them having had sex in my beds! And there’s a chance that as time goes by you might notice more things that have gone missing.

Surely, at 28, she must realise that what she has done is bang out of order and that the only way is to apologise and pay up. I can’t believe anyone would think it was okay not to! And don’t get me started on the food poisoning excuse. What a joke!

user1486131602 · 05/08/2019 22:04

Sounds like they had a party that got out of hand!
I’d be calling them to come back, clean up the sick and mess.
if not, calling a cleaning company to do it, buying a new soundbar glasses etc at THEIR
expense, since they saved so much money staying at yours!

PurpleFlower1983 · 05/08/2019 22:15

I would be absolutely livid!! I hope she pays to get it sorted! Angry

ncweds · 05/08/2019 22:18

That's awful!!!!

Butterfly84 · 05/08/2019 22:41

Shocked at this OP.

An adult trashing their 'friend's' house like this? Stealing/allowing strangers to steal from you??? I would not involve the police as agree that they seem like minor value items that were stolen. However, the value is not the point when it comes to your relationship. I would definitely pursue payment from her and cut her out of your life, unless she can seriously make amends. This is not the behaviour (during or after) of someone who cares about you.

MsTSwift · 05/08/2019 22:41

No good deed unpunished as the saying goes...

Inertia · 05/08/2019 23:10

Have you thoroughly checked that all identifying documents are undisturbed? My next worry would be identity theft.

rainbowstardrops · 05/08/2019 23:11

I would be absolutely fucking fuming!!!!!
Oh and there is no way on this earth that she'd ignore me forever and get away with it!

I'm not sure that calling the police is such a bad idea (if she refuses to settle up with you) because when push comes to shove, you have incurred criminal damage and theft!

At the very least, I'd be threatening to take it further to a small claims court if she doesn't bloody step up.

I'll keep an eye open on Judge Rinder in the future (although she probably wouldn't have the balls to explain herself!)

rainbowstardrops · 05/08/2019 23:13

Oh and was your perfume etc that went missing in your bedroom? If so, the filthy fuckers have been in there too.
I'd never speak to the low-life again

Moaningmeadowlark · 05/08/2019 23:30

Did she really think you wouldn't find out? My god, I would definitely bill her too.

beautyguru · 05/08/2019 23:35

Did you get any further response yet? I would be absolutely raging but also incredibly upset, that someone I thought was a friend, as well as a relative, who I trusted fully, could be so deceitful and disrespectful. Awful.

howdyalikemenow · 05/08/2019 23:47

Wow! The cheekiest of fuckers indeed. I hope you get her to cough up OP.

Longdistance · 05/08/2019 23:52

Your cousin overstepped the boundary by inviting people back to your flat. That’s a massive piss take.
Food poisoning my arse. That dodgy prawn excuse is something you use as a teenager, not a woman of 28.
I seriously hope she replaces the taken/damaged stuff otherwise she can fuck off!

Original poster
Bellasblankexpression · 06/08/2019 00:10

The sound bar itself isn’t actually broken thankfully just the lead which is cheap to replace on eBay. I’ve now (well mainly DH!) cleaned as we couldn’t really wait to get cleaners out.

I have heard back. She tried a few other excuses via text then I ended up calling a few times and she finally actually answered.

Admitted that the wedding bar closed so they were going to find another bar but “somehow” ended up here. Doesn’t really know the people that well, all drunk.
Still claiming she was “ill” so didn’t really see what other people were getting up to (drinking the rum and making a mess I guess!) so is trying to shirk it still.
I’ve told her I am really really hurt by this - more so about the continual lying and covering now than what actually happened.
I can’t bring myself to speak to her much to be honest but have said I want a replacement lead for the soundbar, perfume and a bottle of rum at the very minimum. But you know, she’s really skint - WHICH WAS WHY I WAS BLOODY TRYING TO HELP HER IN THE FIRST PLACE.

Trying not to get my aunt involved too much tbh her daughter is a grown adult and her actions aren’t really my aunt’s problem.

It’s been left that cousin has grudgingly said she will “find a way” to pay.

I’ve had to leave it for the moment, I’ve told her we are not done with this, but I was getting so worked up I had to take myself out of it.

I’ve sent her a list for costs. Gutted that our friendship clearly means so little and is clearly over.

OP posts:
fargo123 · 06/08/2019 00:13

I would be LIVID!!!!

I'd damn well make sure the rest of the family knew what a lying, thieving, scumbag she is. They need a heads up in case she ever asks to stay in someone else's home whilst they're away.

BlankTimes · 06/08/2019 01:04

Also make her pay for changing your locks, any of the strangers she invited could have had the key copied during the time they were there.
She didn't know who was there or what they were doing. It's so wrong on so many levels.

Definitely let all the family know what she's done, with photos, she deserves to be ashamed for trying to minimise it, making excuses and downright lying and hiding.

Family need to be warned what she's likely to do if they ever fall for her skint story and offer her the use of their home when they are away. She's 28, and needs to learn that actions have consequences.

GnomeDePlume · 06/08/2019 04:53

TBH I would drop it now. You arent going to get satisfaction in the sense of a full blown apology. She will start going down the self-pitying route. This could end up with other members of the family who dont know the full story seeing you as being petty over a broken glass.

Not that you are being petty. You know the truth, your aunt knows the truth. Leave it there.

Have a good hard think about your friendship with her. Is it reciprocal? If this is an abberation and you still want to keep the friendship then let this rest a while. Leave a route back for the friendship to restart if you want it to. A lot of friendships change once you start a family and priorities change.

You could look on the cleaning up operation as training for when you have a baby/toddler. For you and DH this could become your benchmark: 'well, at least it isnt as bad as when cousin X stayed!'

Winterlife · 06/08/2019 05:34

In this situation, no way would I just drop it after she:
a) betrayed my trust;
b) lied about it to me and family;
c) allowed unknown people into my home to steal from me;
d) left my apartment a shambles;
e) refused to take responsibility or pay for anything.

The family needs to see she was lying, and who she is. It's one thing to make a bad decision when drunk. It's completely another to lie about it and not accept any responsibility.

GnomeDePlume · 06/08/2019 06:41

I am not suggesting that OP drops it for cousin's sake but for her own. Cousin is doing what a lot of people do when caught out: lying, denying and minimising. She is probably starting to believe her own story about being ill from something she drank are. Unless cousin has a history of drunken loutishness food poisoning will become the accepted truth and OP will be labelled as vindictive.

Dropped now (after payment for broken and missing items) the OP can keep the moral high ground. Cousin isn't going to make a full apology as that would be an admission of guilt.

I do totally sympathise with OP. The lack of apology will be incredibly annoying.

Belenus · 06/08/2019 06:48

In this situation, no way would I just drop it after she:

Getting wound up about a situation you can't change isn't healthy, especially when you're pregnant. Sometimes it's better for your own health to walk away calmly. No way would I be forgiving the cousin and I would keep pushing for money one way or the other but there's no point in jumping up and down. Seems the cousin is immature and irresponsible and I don't see that changing any time soon.

Intheupsidedown · 06/08/2019 07:03

What I cant get my head round is how adults (had to be If they were drinking) even at 18 can go into someone else's house and break and steal things.

I went to house parties from age of 18 of people I didn't know but friends with someone else there but I managed to not steal anything. Breaking a glass is one thing accidents happen but to steal???

Its cowardly of her not to stick around and try to clean up and then apologise for the damage etc. I know you dont want to involve aunt as she is an adult but it might be the only way for her to admit and accept what she has done and to fix it.