I should preface this with the fact that I know I’m really lucky to have a MIL who welcomed me into their family with open arms and judging by some of the stories on here I could have done much much worse.
My MIL is v loud and often says the wrong thing in social settings. As a result she doesn’t have a particularly big social group, so I find that she’s a little overbearing with me. I know DH gets upset for her that she isn’t included in things socially, so I try to make an effort to include her where I can. She lives around 1.5 hours away, and I find when I include her, she uses this to turn one invitation into a whole week or weekend of festivities (‘MIL’-fest as I’ve referred to it with my friends).
For example, for my birthday, a few friends, my mum and aunt went to a city 45 minutes away for a meal. I invited MIL - as it was 45 minutes the wrong way, she’d have been over 2 hours from home. My friends and I (so excl mum, aunt and MIL) were staying with a friend in the city we’d been in - I explained that a few of us were staying with a friend, but she wasn’t able to host any more, but I’d arranged for DH to collect her after the meal and bring her back to ours, where she could stay and then head home in the morning. I felt like this was a nice way to include her for the evening!
The week of my birthday, she then phones upset because ‘every single hotel in the city’ (where DH and I live) was booked for the evening before the meal so she’d need to stay with us the night before (the Friday when the meal was Saturday). I clarified that we wouldn’t be meeting until around 5pm on the Saturday so there really is no need to stay over the night before (not pointing out that it’s massively unlikely that every single room in the large city where we live is booked). She got upset, so we eventually settled on DH and I meeting MIL for dinner on the Friday while she stays in her magically free hotel room that we explained that she didn’t need.
The following day I knew she’d call in the morning to ask what we’re doing in the day (nothing - you weren’t invited), so I made a hair appointment and escaped the house, leaving DH to field her calls. The meal was fine - she said some v inappropriate things but I expect it from her and my mum and friends were understanding, until DH texted me saying that MIL told him not to worry about collecting her and we’d figured it out so she could stay. I texted DH back saying that was untrue, and she would still need collecting. When I asked her what had happened she say it was a miscommunication (I later checked the text and it absolutely wasn’t). DH collected her and she went home.
The following day my friends and I spent the morning shopping in the city we’d been to, heading home around 4pm. When I arrived MIL was still there, wanting my friends and I to go out for dinner with her. I had to leave the house at 5am the following day, so I sent my friends home, thanked MIL for coming but explained I needed to get organised for the week (I was away for the week with work so needed to pack). She kept insisting that we’d just go for one drink and then she’d just stay for one coffee, so I went upstairs to shower and left DH with her until she left.
In a few weeks DH and I are hosting a small celebration and I’ve told DH to invite MIL, on the understanding that she arrives at the start of the party and leaves at the end (MIL doesn’t drink and the party is midday until mid-afternoon so there’s no reason for this to cause an issue). Already I have texts that she should stay the night before to ‘help’ on the morning and the following day to clean up. I told her that isn’t necessary and she’s just invited to the party. She kept pushing back, so I asked DH to speak to her. He must be feeling worn down and embarrassed, and he was reluctant to speak with her. I calmly explained that when an afternoon long invitation repeatedly turns into a weekend long commitment, it makes me less likely to invite her in the first place and if this doesn’t stop then she’s not invited. He’s upset that he’s stuck in the middle of this between me and his mum - he doesn’t want her to be uninvited but she’s absolutely relentless and when told not to come the day before and after will appear anyway.
Would I be unreasonable to uninvite her to this and future events until she understands that an invitation to one meal isn’t free reign to take over an entire weekend?