MIL issue - have upset DH

[JuststopMIL]

I should preface this with the fact that I know I’m really lucky to have a MIL who welcomed me into their family with open arms and judging by some of the stories on here I could have done much much worse.

My MIL is v loud and often says the wrong thing in social settings. As a result she doesn’t have a particularly big social group, so I find that she’s a little overbearing with me. I know DH gets upset for her that she isn’t included in things socially, so I try to make an effort to include her where I can. She lives around 1.5 hours away, and I find when I include her, she uses this to turn one invitation into a whole week or weekend of festivities (‘MIL’-fest as I’ve referred to it with my friends).

For example, for my birthday, a few friends, my mum and aunt went to a city 45 minutes away for a meal. I invited MIL - as it was 45 minutes the wrong way, she’d have been over 2 hours from home. My friends and I (so excl mum, aunt and MIL) were staying with a friend in the city we’d been in - I explained that a few of us were staying with a friend, but she wasn’t able to host any more, but I’d arranged for DH to collect her after the meal and bring her back to ours, where she could stay and then head home in the morning. I felt like this was a nice way to include her for the evening!

The week of my birthday, she then phones upset because ‘every single hotel in the city’ (where DH and I live) was booked for the evening before the meal so she’d need to stay with us the night before (the Friday when the meal was Saturday). I clarified that we wouldn’t be meeting until around 5pm on the Saturday so there really is no need to stay over the night before (not pointing out that it’s massively unlikely that every single room in the large city where we live is booked). She got upset, so we eventually settled on DH and I meeting MIL for dinner on the Friday while she stays in her magically free hotel room that we explained that she didn’t need.

The following day I knew she’d call in the morning to ask what we’re doing in the day (nothing - you weren’t invited), so I made a hair appointment and escaped the house, leaving DH to field her calls. The meal was fine - she said some v inappropriate things but I expect it from her and my mum and friends were understanding, until DH texted me saying that MIL told him not to worry about collecting her and we’d figured it out so she could stay. I texted DH back saying that was untrue, and she would still need collecting. When I asked her what had happened she say it was a miscommunication (I later checked the text and it absolutely wasn’t). DH collected her and she went home.

The following day my friends and I spent the morning shopping in the city we’d been to, heading home around 4pm. When I arrived MIL was still there, wanting my friends and I to go out for dinner with her. I had to leave the house at 5am the following day, so I sent my friends home, thanked MIL for coming but explained I needed to get organised for the week (I was away for the week with work so needed to pack). She kept insisting that we’d just go for one drink and then she’d just stay for one coffee, so I went upstairs to shower and left DH with her until she left.

In a few weeks DH and I are hosting a small celebration and I’ve told DH to invite MIL, on the understanding that she arrives at the start of the party and leaves at the end (MIL doesn’t drink and the party is midday until mid-afternoon so there’s no reason for this to cause an issue). Already I have texts that she should stay the night before to ‘help’ on the morning and the following day to clean up. I told her that isn’t necessary and she’s just invited to the party. She kept pushing back, so I asked DH to speak to her. He must be feeling worn down and embarrassed, and he was reluctant to speak with her. I calmly explained that when an afternoon long invitation repeatedly turns into a weekend long commitment, it makes me less likely to invite her in the first place and if this doesn’t stop then she’s not invited. He’s upset that he’s stuck in the middle of this between me and his mum - he doesn’t want her to be uninvited but she’s absolutely relentless and when told not to come the day before and after will appear anyway.

Would I be unreasonable to uninvite her to this and future events until she understands that an invitation to one meal isn’t free reign to take over an entire weekend?

I'd say "no the invitation is for the afternoon only. I understand it's a long way to drive so if it's inconvenient let me know and we can arrange something else another time". And repeat this over and over and over.

It seems as though both your DH and FIL have taken the opportunity to offload the responsibility for entertaining you difficult MIL onto you.

Why do you need to be responsible for her social life? You need to double down on your boundaries and reduce the invitations - especially before the baby comes. Otherwise you will find her virtually moved in during your maternity leave and your friends backing away

Of course! Loads of families have one BUT my point is this - this invitation was completely unnecessary, the ones that are on your side of the family are different as it's their family event, this is NOT your mil's family event. You are (rightly) complaining but then (a) inviting her totally unnecessarily (b) inflicting her on people and doing to others what you do not like being done to you. You can fool yourself that's she'll be diluted in a room of 50 but the fact is she doesn't need to be there and you are foisting her on other people for NO reason.

You might not like it but with regard to other peoples events you are 100% wrong and as bad as your mil. You are actually part of your own problem. (This is not meant meanly by the way) Because in general you do sound lovely but you definitely need to sort it out because it will get worse when the baby comes.

Take a step back OP, then another one. It’s clear you’re being kind, but don’t keep facilitating her social life - especially to your own detriment - it’s difficult because you feel sorry for her but you need to stop thinking that her happiness and social life is your responsibility because it’s not. You’ll grow to resent her as she becomes more annoying especially once the baby comes, and it will also put a strain on your relationship with your husband. Stop and think before you keep inviting her to stuff, distance is your friend.

I wouldn't have invited my mil to any of those occasions. Unless it's a his-side of the family occasion where dh will be I wouldn't dream of inviting her.
And yes to the question about whether your dh would invite her to a meal with his friends?
Cultivate somewhere half way where you can both leave (separately).
Make sure there's nowhere at yours for her to stay once there's a baby.
And make sure your husband is practiced in saying no independent of having to ask you first.

She sounds very lonely. Maybe her son could visit her more often at her home so you 're spared unnecessary embarrassment and irritation.

I'm sure your FiL is only too delighted that you and DH have taken over his responsibility to include his wife in his social activities. In fact, I'd be willing to bet that he actually encourages her to stay with you as much as possible so she's out of his hair and he needn't feel guilty that she has no social life!

I agree with others in saying that you shouldn't invite her to occasions that are really for your family and your friends. If anyone is going to do that, it should be your DH, it's HIS mother!

The other thing I'd do (although it may not be practical once your baby is here) would be to try to see her where she lives as much as possible. You go there, do whatever, take her home to her own house, and you leave.

How exhausting. I do think you need to push back. Seems to me you try and she keeps going so you give in eventually. That has to stop. View it as dealing with a toddler's tantrums. You can't give in otherwise she'll keep going. Each and every time you have to fight the battle until she gets it. And she'll keep testing the boundaries, but you have to set them and stick to it. You don't have to be rude, but you do have to be strong and firm.

You are right to have boundaries. I do feel sorry for her but you do need to be firm about what and when she is invited to and for. I have a friend who is like this. It's very hard to get her to leave. If she comes to meet you for dinner she will try and come back to yours after everyone has left and might be there till midnight etc just with me and my husband... she will try and stay overnight where possible and then wont leave the next day until you firmly ask her to. I have found I've had to have very firm boundaries from the outset to combat this. I say clearly before hand what she invited to and when I will be leaving. And then i make sure that happens and just repeat what i said to her if she tries to make it different. I do love her and want to see her but i cant deal with whole weekends being taken up with one single person... I have a lot of other friends I also like to see and sometimes I also just want to spend time with my husband and kids. Being very clear and consistent is key. And not making a big emotional deal about it. Just calmly and kindly say 'no we are not going to do that we already have other plans.' Or just 'no I'm afraid we cant do that today' and repeat whatever the original plan was. Dont get guilted or manipulated into changing anything you dont want to because in the long run it wont make anyone happier neither her nor you... because you will feel invaded and hostile and will come to dislike her.. which will be sad for her.

Yes you may find that the invitations you receive start to dwindle if you keep inviting your MIL .

But as a PP said, it is not your job to facilitate your MIL's social life.

Ooh thx @ClareIsland 😊

My IL’s have very few friends and family is everything to them. They (only MIL now as FIL has died) accept any invitation as they are never already booked and assume we are the same. I find this unbelievable after many years of seeing DH and me frantically rushing around with commitments.
It was a very similar situation to you. Me/DH “Can you come for Sunday lunch?” MIL “ Yes please. I will come over about 9am to plant a few bulbs in your tubs and then keep the children entertained while you cook”. She would then arrive with an overnight bag because “ No doubt we’ll get stuck into the Sherry!” All seems lovely but we just couldn’t cope with entertaining them that long, let alone the rigmarole that hosting overnight entails.
Sadly this has meant we very rarely extend invites and instead, have found a hostelry mid-way to meet at or we visit them. When MIL is invited I clearly lay out times and make sure we have somewhere to rush off to. It is sad that, by thoughtless overstaying, we see less of that side of the family. I know it comes from a good place but, I’m sorry, it is still rude.
Good luck with the future Op.

I don't understand why you invite her to things that are about your friends and your family. The baby shower in particular. You're the one behind her coming to it. It wasn't the family members suggestion.
And coming to your birthday meal with your friends? I'm guessing they didn't expect that.

Of course it's nice to occasionally have events that both families attend (though once or twice a year is plenty), but you seem to be asking for trouble by inviting her to things that a MIL living far away wouldn't normally be expected to attend.

I understand you inviting her to things that involve you, but I really wouldn't invite her to things on my side of the family that she wouldn't even need to know about.

I agree that you don't need to be inviting her so much, you know how she is so you know if you invite her then that's how it's going to be. Why does your MIL need to come to YOUR relatives baby shower!?

I'd try a pp suggestion of finding somewhere midway to meet - or meet somewhere for a day/morning out.

Otherwise invite less often.

My MIL can be a bit like this weekends are apparently Thursday afternoon to Tuesday lunchtime. Seeing them less often and treating them less like guest who need entertaining - and getting on with what needs to be done - so homework still needs to be done, kids still go to activties and any week prep that needs to happen gets done - all help manage it.

I think you need to realise that, aside from her social communication issues, she actually isn't a very nice person.
She's manipulative, overbearing, has no respect for others boundaries and is determined to play the 'victim' card to tantrum her way out of being held accountable.

You need to be firm with your boundaries and then stick to the consequences when she pushes them.
You know she'll up the ante when you have dc, hoping that you will be too exhausted to have the energy to stick to your boundaries.

it seems like she knows what she’s doing but in the moment doesn’t care
You need to have that frank conversation with her again.
She doesn't even care how this affects her son, it's all about her - very narcissistic.
I think if she overstays her welcome next time, i'd just not invite her to anything until she's apologised.
It isn't your fault that you can't trust her.

Listen to @calmdownjanet
Stop inviting her to so many things! If your Husband, HER SON, wants to invite her to hang out with him and his friends, off he goes. She is not your responsibility.

My MIL can be a bit like this weekends are apparently Thursday afternoon to Tuesday lunchtime

That would drive me absolutely crackers!

Why on earth would you have invited her to an event involving your relative? You know what she's like, you know that she pushes the boundaries, so this time was hardly going to be any different. Not sure about uninviting her on this occasion but fgs don't invite her to things that don't concern her again. It doesn't matter that she might know your family members - that doesn't give you free reign to invite her along. Maybe your relative was being polite in agreeing to her coming but is inwardly seething given MILs form for social awkwardness. You really need to take a step back and stop being so involved with MIL. It's unfair on MIL for you to invite her and then moan about her and it's unfair on your Dh having to listen to you moan about her. On this occasion the whole thing could have been avoided by simply not inviting her in the first place.

I wonder if you are unconsciously passing the buck again OP.....her DH or DS don’t entertain her - maybe you find her to overbearing one to one so only invite her to social events - so you have ticked a box but off loaded her on to a group - “diluted” as you say.

Maybe speak with your friends and family - see what they think of her company - they might be too polite to tell you honestly though - but I bet if she wasn’t there they would be telling you they wished you’d taken her along.

*too

If MIL is travelling 1.5hours each way, it’s a bit of a trek to arrive and leave on the same day. Erm, no it isn't for most people! My daughter and SIL live 2 hours away; We see them probably once a month, either they come here or we go there. We never stay over. Most people are very sensitive to overstaying their welcome.

My DPs have become a bit like this. In their case they genuinely find the return trip a bit much in one day - it’s an hour each way but they are elderly so I do get that.

I therefore invited them to stay overnight last time, but instead of coming Saturday afternoon- as arranged- DM rang up to say they were coming in the morning instead. No reason given, apparently if I was busy - as I usually am on Saturday morning- I wouldn’t even know they were there, except obviously I did as DF turned up our heating and , turned on the racing as soon as they arrived.

I found it a bit infuriating. I love my DPs but find time with them tricky and there’s a maximum I can cope with, and also it’s just rude to come earlier than you were invited for, plus we both work and have a teen DS and a dog.

But anyway much less frustrating than your experience and they are my DPs and they are elderly . No more invites from you , it’s not your job to bolster MILs social life.

I don’t understand why you’re inviting her out with yours, when her son’s not there and it’s clear it’s not like you just really click with her and want her there (abortion chat over dinner anyone?!) Does your husband invite her out on his birthday, with his friends but not you? I’m not meaning to criticise you but I just think it’s maybe a bit of an odd situation which has crept up on you where you have taken responsibility for entertaining and socialising her when her husband and son don’t.

Do you agree with this, OP?