To curb my parent's chat under their roof?

[Masterofkarateandfriendship]

Feeling like a total bitch for being annoyed by this right now, but it's getting to the point where visits to my childhood home with my partner (who is not local to my hometown) are really tough. My parents are lovely, generous, caring people in their 70's and live in the small community in which I was brought up. They are both originally from big cities but have lived here for most of their married life. The dinner table chat almost always reverts to chat about locals and what they're up to - not usually funny tales, but generally a monologue about the who's who of the area, gossip and is generally completely unrelatable to my partner who has never met any of the people they're talking about. I try so hard to divert the conversation and find something of interest that doesn't involve talking about local people. My sister (whose husband is also not local) and I have been fighting this losing battle for years. I love my parents but I could cry at the lack of chat and rather than appreciating the time I have left with them, I feel that the only thing I am learning from this is what I don't want to be like when I'm older. Question is....should I say something to try to instigate different.conversation or should we all just carry on as we are

True, but you don't usually have to spend time with younger people who only talk about their own interests. You do usually have to spend time with older relatives.

Who have to listen to younger relatives who only talk about their own interests...

My mother does this. It drives me nuts, she brings up names I’ve not heard for 25 years and can barely remember. DH finds it funny for the most part and tunes it out.

To be fair, my teenaged DD prattles in about herself endlessly, so between the two of them, they are like budgies chunnering away. I barely have to say anything.

My parents are divorced.

I have similar conversations with my mum when I see her about who is doing what in her circle of friends and what has happened locally. I listen (even though I have heard a lot of it before) and ask questions (even though I know the answers and have no particular interest).

In contrast, my dad is in a care home with severe dementia and cannot communicate at all. I would do anything to be able to have a boring and mundane conversation with him about anything.

Life is very short. Make the most of them while they are still with you.

I'll tell you something which makes me very sad

I'm pretty certain that as our brains change - as we reach 70/80 , many of us are going to be that repetitive uninteresting mundane relative

And I'm also pretty certain that our kids will be picking us apart as the younger people are doing on here

I didn't give birth to a daughter to look after me as I get older but I did have an expectation that she would respect me and treat me with love and kindness

After being on this thread I have no fucking idea if she will

So so sad

Went through that too thunderclap, with the same wish. Sigh.

Boring? I'll tell you what's boring: all the insensitive ageist claptrap coming from this thread.

Yes, it’s horribly ageist, very patronising and very depressing. Case in point:

It’s easier and safer to recount that Mr Smith from next door has had a terrible time after his hip operation, than discuss how the government and world leaders should tackle climate change.

Jesus, the thought of a family visit spent sitting around boring on about climate change. I’d rather hear about Mr Smith any day.

I think my only other input to this thread, which has been educational for my ignorant self, would be this...

My mum died at 83, which isn't really very old actually, but she spent her entire life only ever caring about us and what we wanted to talk about etc etc. On and on I went about x y z...for years as if she would always be there.

Since she died my dad has destroyed her memory and said the most vile things imaginable about this woman we all purported to love so much.

I would give anything now to have memories of her talking to me about her mundane life rather than mine.

I am projecting, I know, but this thread has made me think a lot.

Both sets of our parents do this. Both have recently located to completely new towns in retirement. Both will tell us the comings and goings of literally every person on their street that we've never met in our lives.

One parent in particular will be pretty bad for it. "Oh poor Julie, you know Julie?" "Nope". "YES YOU DO!!!" "Really, nope".

I think it's something that must happen as you hit 60.

tbh I'd rather hear about Mr Smith too!

Yes thunderclap and SpoonBender I've been through similar except my mum's decline was very rapid owing to a massive stroke during an operation. As well as paralysis it led to psychosis and terrifying hallucinations and a total departure from reality which never improved.

Not in a million years did I foresee this as she was very 'together' up to that point. It's
a cliché but you never know what's round the corner.

Make the most of those boring conversations because trying to reassure your already deaf parent that there are no giant tarantulas on the bed and that the nurses don't torture and kill patients during the night is no fun at all.

My mum does this and she's not yet 60 and in perfect health. So neither old or infirm.

It's got to the point where I've stopped ringing as often as I used to because all I get is an hour's monologue (during which I will say about 3 sentences - no exaggeration. Once I actually timed it and I didn't say anything apart from "Hmm" "Ok" or "yes" for 35 minutes.) of what the entire village and their dog are doing. Very often she tells me exactly the same things as she told me last week.

"Yes mum, you told me about the neighbours new girlfriends special diet".

"Yes I know who Carol is. Yes I know she's moving." (By this point I know which moving company they're using and their forwarding bloody address, despite never having met Carol.)

"Do you know Alex in the village with the cocker spaniel?" Yes mum of course I know her, we walked the dogs with her for over 5 years, why on earth do you think I don't know her?

"Did I tell you so-and-so got engaged / is doing that sponsored walk / got that new job?" "Yes mum, you told me last week." Mum then proceeds to tell me the entire story again in excruciating detail and with numerous diversions.

I love her dearly but my god she is difficult to have a conversation with.

@chickenyhead

@Dec2019mumtobe

I think it's something that must happen as you hit 60

ODFOD.

And I sincerely look forward to your children thinking the same of you as you do of your parents. After all, you'll be 60 some day.

But this is their life, it might be dull and uninteresting to you but this is where their life is at. You could sit and talk about your exciting city life (to you) but equally they’d probably feel uninterested too. We visit my husband’s 80 odd year old gran, she will spend ages telling us tales about her neighbours antics or about someone at church, do we know these people? No! Do we sit and still engage in conversation? Of course!

Don’t be rude, you’ll get old yourself one day and he highlight of your week might be hearing about what Anne 3 doors down has gone and bought for her garden. You’ll be thrilled relaying the tale to your grown up children, who won’t seem that interested to hear about Anne’s garden.

Sorry haven't RTFT but haven't come across this very much except for ex-mil who would expatiate on Beryl next door's sprained ankle or ex-sil's new sofa etc. Her husband my late ex-fil however was quite the intellectual and full of fascinating conversation until the end of his life in his 80s.

My dad in his 60s is always travelling, learning something new and full of tales and ideas. He's just returned from six months in South America and I was far more envious than bored with his conversation. He was living there on a shoe-string teachung English but it still sounded great.

I've met some really boring millennial conversationalists that repeat themselves and have rather insular conversations without clicking at all how they're being received.

Swings and roundabouts innit.

*teaching

My my and my in laws do this. I think what’s missing from this thread is that it’s not just the excessive detail about June-next-doors-sister-in-laws-sisters new porch, but the absolute lack of questions about us, their grandchildren or anything we do/have done.

It’s ok if there is some give and take. I can stay with them for two weeks and know the intricate details of the adult children of all the neighbours, without having been asked a single question about her own son’s family life.

It’s really upsetting and baffling.

Should just say *my in laws!

This is such a sad thread.
I am not in that age group, but I am of an age where my world is getting smaller.
I no longer go out into the workplace, I dont go clubbing, to concerts or gigs. My children have all grown and left home.
I dont have huge money pressures to mull over, i dont have childcare issues to ponder on.
My world is getting smaller. Therefore, my conversation is getting more limited, slowly but surely. I am still very politically aware, but dont discuss thag at length, because either my children agree with with me - short conversation, or my friends disagree with me - brexit related is no fucking fun to fall out over.
So. No politics, church, money, children, work or sex to discuss. Whats left?

Perhaps a wee bit of give and take?

I agree us older people may seem boring. But bugger me, what Simon did in the office and how little Daisy is costing a fortune at childminders is not particularly riveting either 😁

I visit my aunt and uncle every few weeks, they were both intelligent (teachers). Now our conversations are limited to what they ate for dinner and what medication they are on. But that's what happens isn't it?
I expect I will talk incessantly about my pets when I get that old (I am half way there now)

I can see how that could be upsetting Bazaar.

@BazaarMum My in laws were like that too, I know how upsetting it is.

When they're not around any longer, re-read this and weep! You inhabit different worlds, you probably talk about things they don't know about, your favourite TV programmes, your job, your friends, it's inevitable! I can still recall, at 71, my mother saying something like 'You know Mrs Bloggs, of course you do', I'd say 'No I don't' but she still told her story.

Me and my sis talked about mortgage rates and how they had affected her NCT mates house buying last night at dinner with our DPrents. They must have been bored shitless but they politely engaged with us... just what you do innit?