To curb my parent's chat under their roof?

[Masterofkarateandfriendship]

Feeling like a total bitch for being annoyed by this right now, but it's getting to the point where visits to my childhood home with my partner (who is not local to my hometown) are really tough. My parents are lovely, generous, caring people in their 70's and live in the small community in which I was brought up. They are both originally from big cities but have lived here for most of their married life. The dinner table chat almost always reverts to chat about locals and what they're up to - not usually funny tales, but generally a monologue about the who's who of the area, gossip and is generally completely unrelatable to my partner who has never met any of the people they're talking about. I try so hard to divert the conversation and find something of interest that doesn't involve talking about local people. My sister (whose husband is also not local) and I have been fighting this losing battle for years. I love my parents but I could cry at the lack of chat and rather than appreciating the time I have left with them, I feel that the only thing I am learning from this is what I don't want to be like when I'm older. Question is....should I say something to try to instigate different.conversation or should we all just carry on as we are

My mother fixates on family members I don’t know and expects me to be fascinated about the minutiae of their lives. She shows little interest in me or my life.
I think elderly people do get like this. Their lives become more and more narrow and they are essentially talking to themselves.

There’s a colleague at work who does this. She grew up in my village and asks me all the time. Do you know such a body, cue long winded story. Not once have I ever known a person she goes on about. She’s 20 odd years older than me. All the people she mentions are probably dead

A late relative of mine used to cut in with inane questions about the people being discussed - spellings of their names, wondering if they were related to Such and Such from some place at the other side of the country or someone he went to school with. Lots and lots of questions, lots and lots of little anecdotes about people the other parties didn't know from Adam, anecdotes about any topics that came up in the course of the gossip, from bee keeping to traffic accidents...

Or if that failed to derail, he would just find a little gap in the conversation and say 'I'm afraid I don't know any of these unfortunate people. Do you mind if I leave you to it?'

Advice - let your partner speak up for himself and stop trying to fill him in with background information on these tedious visits.

We are those parents, but around late 50s. Yet our adult children still come back home to visit our small town quite often. They see their old friends from school and catch up, we tell them boring stories about the neighbours. Currently my adult DCs are out on the town together at the local club catching up with old school friends. I am hanging about waiting for them to come back and give me the local gossip from the youngsters of the town.

I cook the foods they love when they are back and we might even play Scrabble after sunday dinner tomorrow. It will be a BBQ if weather permits. Many of their friends from divorced families are quite envious about the family dinners and the Scrabble. They don't even have to come back if they do not like us as we are. It is a choice and I would hate the thought they felt dutybound to come.

Thats lovely and showing an interest is part of being a family.

You and your BF sound pretentious

Never forget where you come from.

The parents' endless blathering makes that a very remote possibility, BloomingHydrangea.

Do your adult children have partners with them when they visit, SummerBreeze?

My mum likes to read us snippets from the local paper and sometimes cuts out articles that she thinks will be of interest. They are generally dull things. She also tells us about people i don't really know and have no interest in. I think it is pretty normal in older people when their world shrinks in a lot.

I do sympathise here. I was an adult when my mum remarried, so never had a "step-family" as such in the way many younger people do when their parents remarry. I've met them a couple of times, but generally have limited knowledge of and contact with them. That doesn't stop her narrating the minutiae of every single bloody member of her DH's family. It does drive me a bit potty especially as I sometimes feel like she never asks what's going on in my life but I do try and hold my tongue. When I was in her house the other week, for instance, she came in and gravely told me someone called June was ill? I felt like saying "I'm sorry to hear that, but I've not got a fucking clue who June is!". But naturally I made all the right noises, because she's my mum and that's what you've got to do

Oops, meant for the underlined bit above to have a line through it! You can tell I don't post here much...

When I was a child, my parents complained (not in her hearing) about my grandmother's tendency to talk on and on about all the illnesses and deaths and general tragedies in the community. I agreed then and still do, because frankly, it's not something I want to dwell on-- especially if it's not someone I know well or can do anything to help.

But now they're about the age she was then, and lo and behold, they've started spending more and more time talking about those same medical problems and tragedies. They're not quite as bad as my grandmother, yet, but it's getting there. I sometimes wonder how much longer I have before I start doing it, too, and whether or not I'll notice when I do!

As for in-laws...
While they are very nice people, I don't expect to find my in-laws' conversation particularly interesting, most of the time. When we visit and are sitting around the table, I spend most of that time just sitting quietly... As long as they don't expect me to engage in conversation about these strangers they're discussing, it's not that hard to just let my mind wander.

However, if these visits are very frequent, I can see how that might become a strain. In that case, if you can't steer the conversation to something more universally interesting, I'd just try to limit the time spend sitting there. Maybe your partner can politely excuse himself after eating and take a walk or something while your parents chat with you.

I just assumed this was standard old person chit chat! I either tune out or try to figure out what Bob's daughter did that was so terrible (you know, Bob the neighbour from the old house, on the road that got flooded for the new reservoir in 1961, who moved to

you might well be the same when you get to be an oldie

I doubt it. I take an interest in such a wide range of things and always keep learning. My mum isn't like that and neither are my inlaws, it's not inevitable as you get older that you lose interest in the wider world, lose all conversational skills and become narrow and dull.

My sister (whose husband is also not local) and I have been fighting this losing battle for years

Going by that comment, I'd say that you'll just have to put up with this. If it's only when you go there for a meal, maybe you'll just have to tolerate it. They are not going to change .

They are telling you about their world, just because it’s not very exciting to your DP they should keep quiet? Yes you are being unreasonable, totally.

Absolutely agree. I'm sure your 'poor' DP can cope with some information about people he doesn't know, every so often

I am the partner in this situation and my in-laws sound just like your parents. It's incredibly dull, and I do find their lack of interest in me offensive to be honest, all I do is ask one polite question about what they've been up to and that's it, whole evening's soundtrack is sorted.

But, it's just the way they are. We visit them infrequently and I don't ever expect to have an interesting or fun time. I grin and bear it, it's not a big deal to me, but I do try to point out to my DH whenever he does things like his parents. I really don't want him to turn into them but I think we all get there in the end

Like lindsay1967, my DM and her DP (not my step father as I was an adult when my parents divorced) do this. I don't usually know the people they are talking about either.

My DF on the other hand talks about world events, politics, culture, his current hobby projects things that get on his nerves and other more varied topics.

It's not inevitable with age. But I do think it's pretty much impossible to stop in people who are so inclined.

My mum does that. No idea who some of the people are as theyve left my childhood town where i know whom they were talking about. I just let her talk. Ask a few questions about people i dont know. Its life

Absolutely agree. I'm sure your 'poor' DP can cope with some information about people he doesn't know, every so often hmm

My parents do this too but so do most older people I know including the ones in DH family. It just them talking about their world as another PP said. They often talk about people with DH that I don’t know but it doesn’t bother me at all. I can cope with it.

However if that’s all my talked about and never asked about our life or kids I would be upset.

It's classic old person behaviour, as so many PPs can testify. But conversation during visits does need to be a two way street. You wouldn't meet up with a friend your own age and happily expect to listen to every detail about their life without them listening to you in return. If they're not interested in you, you'd phase the friend out. Obviously you can't do that with parents, but you can cut back on visits or length of time spent with them. DH and I usually go out for a treat after our parental visits. Just helps us get through them without going home feeling crap.

Most unpleasant thread I've seen on here.

Fucking out and out nastiness to older people, the casual unthinking ageism of the users of Mumsnet is appalling

Another one to add that my mum does this too, but a lot of it is also repetition of what she had already told me last time and the times before that She also never asks me anything about my life, and would be hard pressed to say what my job exactly entails, or how I am feeling.

It's just what old people do, my grandparents were exactly the same! They are harmless stories of their, probably, quite small world! I'd love to be able sit at a table and listen to their tales again.

I think as people get older.... not sure what age it starts - their internal world gets smaller. Not everyone, of course, but many ime.

They talk about themselves and their world, not because they are selfish or nasty, but because that's what their brain computes and thinks about.

It happened to both my parents - they rarely asked about me or my children and if they did ask , they forgot the answers quite quickly.

It is something which doesn't bother me in the slightest. If talking about their world and not asking about mine, is how conversation is, then that's fine.

Any partner of mine who whinged about it would be shown the door

When you don't have your parents any more it's possible that you'll wish for the days of their ever decreasing circles of conversation

My parents were good to me. The least I can do is accept who they've become with grace

ScarlettOHarasWaist, thank you. Ageism on Mumsnet appears to be acceptable in a way other 'isms are not. We all get old...if we are lucky...and this attitude of disrespect/hate for older people will come back and bite us on the bum!