To curb my parent's chat under their roof?

[Masterofkarateandfriendship]

Feeling like a total bitch for being annoyed by this right now, but it's getting to the point where visits to my childhood home with my partner (who is not local to my hometown) are really tough. My parents are lovely, generous, caring people in their 70's and live in the small community in which I was brought up. They are both originally from big cities but have lived here for most of their married life. The dinner table chat almost always reverts to chat about locals and what they're up to - not usually funny tales, but generally a monologue about the who's who of the area, gossip and is generally completely unrelatable to my partner who has never met any of the people they're talking about. I try so hard to divert the conversation and find something of interest that doesn't involve talking about local people. My sister (whose husband is also not local) and I have been fighting this losing battle for years. I love my parents but I could cry at the lack of chat and rather than appreciating the time I have left with them, I feel that the only thing I am learning from this is what I don't want to be like when I'm older. Question is....should I say something to try to instigate different.conversation or should we all just carry on as we are

What exactly do you want to talk about OP and is your choice of conversation so very interesting?

Judging by threads on Mumsnet many 'younger' people are totally boring about the subjects that interest them ... baby's sleeping habits, weaning, schooling, does my DH do enough housework? etc etc. Totally utterly boring to many of us but clearly of great importance to some people.

Many people are crushing bores and dominate the conversation, but it's nothing to do with age. My parents are late 80s and love nothing more than discussing Brexit, politics, state of the economy etc etc - I am more interested in hearing about their friends and neighbours

Why don't you initiate the conversation?

I'd give anything for one more day with my parents or my in laws and the dinner table chatter. Sadly they have all passed away and my children have no grandparents alive despite still being young 😢

I'd give anything for one more day with my parents or my in laws and the dinner table chatter. Sadly they have all passed away and my children have no grandparents alive despite still being young 😢

I'd give anything for one more day with my parents or my in laws and the dinner table chatter. Sadly they have all passed away and my children have no grandparents alive despite still being young 😢

"their"
It's part of life, surely? Listening to other people talk about what's important to them? and engaging with them?

Its an old person thing, loads of them do this and bang on about relatives constantly and their health problems.I'd either say something politely beforehand or keep changing the subject.Its not fair really on people having to listen to all this.

I wish I still had my Dad to talk to or listen to him putting the world to rights or give me a hug and go to his office again.

Don't know what you got til it's gone!

It's part of life, surely? Listening to other people talk about what's important to them? and engaging with them?

The point many posters are making is that you cannot engage with some people - it is all transmit and no receive. With my MIL you literally cannot get a word in edgeways and she talks over you if you try. You would think she would give a shiny shit about her grandkids, but apparently not, an imagined slight by the church choir 20 years ago is far more important.

As I said earlier, this is not an age thing, my MIL has always been a self obsessed conversation hogger. It is just rude and makes you avoid spending any time with her.

Isn't this just what some old people are like though? I don't know why, but I've had this with several relatives and I just take it as part of what visiting them involves - I'm bored to tears and wish it wasn't like that but I don't want to be rude. I just hope I'm not one of them and don't become like this - and I do know plenty of old people who aren't, so it is possible.

With my mum it's not just the boring on about people she knows, but expecting me to know them or remember them from years ago. "You know Moira, yes you DO, Moira! - you used to go to school with her brother's postman's cat's cousin, don't you remember that party when you were 12, and she drank all the Cinzano, you know, MOIRA!!!"

I didn't have a clue or give a shiny shit who Moira was when I was 12 and I certainly don't now.

My PIL (late 50s) do this, as does my BIL. My DH has nothing in common with them and neither do I. It is their way of having something to talk about during social events, closely followed by watching TV with us and discussing whatever quiz show is on.

DH knows the people they talk about from ages ago and will make polite conversation, I smile and nod. Sometimes I throw in a question, if something doesn't make sense but that is it. My in-laws aren't people I would pick as friends but I cut family a lot of slack (to a point - I don't have the patience for toxic behaviour).

We (late 20s) are friends with people aged anywhere from earky 20s to 60+ and have lots in common with all of them, it is really not an age thing.

As long as I don't have to do the smiling and nodding thing every week, I really don't mind. They just want to stay connected to their child's life, and given the lack of similarities, this is the best they can do. Slightly annoying but well-intended.

I think many people will recognise this but do be patient - they sound lovely and really you are lucky to have them. I thought initially they might be bigoted in some way which would be horrible.

Can you find ways to intervene without embarrassing them? Perhaps arrive with preplanned conversational starters. They may feel they haven't much of interest to talk about if they cut out friends, local gossip etc.

Do you ever ask their opinion on your own life, decisions, the world? They are clearly generous people and may like to feel useful so that might be a way of changing the conversation a little. Also perhaps you and dh could try telling your own stories at the dinner table.

Ultimately though, be glad you have lovely parents you love you and are kind to you. It's not that they aren't appreciating the time you have left together - it's probably just that you are the only people who come into their lives from outside of their immediate day to day circle.

You mention your limited time left together, keep that in mind when you feel frustrated with them and perhaps remind yourself of the many many hours they will have spent devoted to your every need and utterance when you and ds were dcs.

Good luck

You should cut them some slack as they will have spent years listening to you bang on about stuff like bros exams and which shellsuit to wear!

😂

One day, when they are gone, you will long for a conversation around the table. Appreciate them while they are here. Things could be a lot worse.

I would have loved if my inlaws had discussed people!

Their conversations were health (potential diseases, not actually anyone's health) and weather.

I used to sit at their table and go quietly mad. But it made my husband happy to visit them and in the long run, it paid off bc he's very grateful to me that I was kind to them.

And I'm very happy that he appreciates me.

All of our parents are gone now. Be patient please; you'll miss them when they go.

And, if your dh gives it half a chance, maybe he'll learn to enjoy conversations about people that he's gotten to know through your parents.

I agree with @chickenyhead.

I have a similar problem with my mum: she has a multitude of illnesses (which she makes worse with her lifestyle but that's a whole thread on it's own) and is medically retired. All she talks about is how she feels, what appointments she has coming up, the problems with her medications and how the the pharmacy mucks them up and how poorly she is treated at airports. She can also be snappy with my dad and is getting more irritable by the day.

I could correct her but I don't. She's suffering and her world is small. Instead, I change the subject where I can and try to think of things to do together to make her world a little bigger.

Your parents sound inoffensive and I'm sure your DP has the measure of them by now so just change the subject where possible.

Its caused by loneliness and general mental fragility brought on by the effects of ageing.

This thread is awful. It’s lacking compassion. I sometimes think this reaction is worse. You are mostly self centred and intolerant. It seems a feature of these boards.

When you were young your parents cared for you and held your hand when you cried.

Be kind.

Crumbs! Guilty I’m afraid, although only see children at most once or twice a year due to them all being on other side of world. Daughter on visits tells me bluntly that she is not interested after 10 mins with my life/ friends/activities/conversations so I usually just keep it all buttoned. Guess I’m just an old boring person..... but not with the good, lovely friends I’ve managed to make with absolutely no family around to be there for me /care about me.
Don’t get me wrong I love my children but they’ve become people who just turn up for lovely Xmas’s and summer holidays so they can relax and chill out in a totally ordered house. I’m usually exhausted by the time everyone leaves.

What else are they going to talk about if this is their whole life?

Do they have any hobbies go on holiday or trips to places? Do they watch specific TV programmes? Read books? Like radio programmes etc.

If you want them to talk about something else connect with what they do and their interests and ask the questions.

Do you take them anywhere or do anything to help?

My late MIL was a sparkling conversationalist and always showed an interest in other people. Sometimes she talked about things that had happened 50 years ago, but it was always some juicy scandal that she remembered from years ago, and always about at least the family of people I did know. I envied her memory, to be honest! And although she did gossip, she was never malicious, just mischievous.

My grandmother only had one topic of conversation, ever. India. She left India when she was 19, but in her head she always lived there (she wasn't Indian, btw, she had first moved there when she was about 8). As a child, I was fascinated by her stories about her life there, but by the time I was 16 I was ready to scream at her! (We spent every 3rd and 9th weekend together and some half terms). It wasn't really the stories that drove me mad, it was the total self-obsession of talking at everyone who came close enough about this one thing, over and over again. There was no conversation involved, just her talking at people. And I'd have rather not heard about her miscarriage, her health problems and her sex life- she really did overshare, and if it happened in India then I heard about it repeatedly.

OP, I wonder if your parents seem worse to you than to your partner. Mine often used to make me cringe, and the only allowed topic of conversation at their table is How Wonderful My Sister Is. Nobody else seems really bothered though, except in a vague, eye-rolling way. They don't talk to me at all now and I certainly won't miss them when they are dead, but I do appreciate that most parents aren't violent abusers and deserve much gentler treatment.

The only time I've been really irritated by a person who does this was when I was certain it was being done deliberately to exclude me. She was elderly (a cousin of my husband's) but according to Mr Carpet, she has always been a cow and her age has nothing to do with it.

In your case, OP, I'd let it go. Many years in the future, you will probably remember it as a charming quirk, and if they are otherwise nice and you love them, I wouldn't want to risk upsetting them. Some people just don't like to leave a silence and feel obliged to say almost anything to fill it.

I'm curious to know what the OP would prefer to talk about - but it seems she's not here anymore.

@Ilfie

❤

Their loss, not yours, you are entitled to your own life and interests

X

Can't your partner cope with a few hours of parental rambling? He could ask questions join in maybe. Its irritating but not serious. My parents are both dead, would love to be able to hear their inane gossip just 1 more time.

I’d get some brilliant board games - they can be really fun, and make for a fun evening that doesn’t revolve around conversation xxx