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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To curb my parent's chat under their roof?

303 replies

Masterofkarateandfriendship · 04/08/2019 00:05

Feeling like a total bitch for being annoyed by this right now, but it's getting to the point where visits to my childhood home with my partner (who is not local to my hometown) are really tough. My parents are lovely, generous, caring people in their 70's and live in the small community in which I was brought up. They are both originally from big cities but have lived here for most of their married life. The dinner table chat almost always reverts to chat about locals and what they're up to - not usually funny tales, but generally a monologue about the who's who of the area, gossip and is generally completely unrelatable to my partner who has never met any of the people they're talking about. I try so hard to divert the conversation and find something of interest that doesn't involve talking about local people. My sister (whose husband is also not local) and I have been fighting this losing battle for years. I love my parents but I could cry at the lack of chat and rather than appreciating the time I have left with them, I feel that the only thing I am learning from this is what I don't want to be like when I'm older. Question is....should I say something to try to instigate different.conversation or should we all just carry on as we are

OP posts:
escapade1234 · 04/08/2019 19:44

It’s a really sad thread. I imagine getting older must be bewildering at times, feeling the world is leaving you behind. I can well imagine conversing about mundane familiar topics is comforting. Also, when you get older, it’s natural that your health becomes a priority and, by extension, the health of your peers. I’m sure that when someone in your circle or community dies, it’s a punch in the gut to everyone of the same sort of age. It’s natural to want to talk about it. When you’re younger you don’t care because, well, you’re going to live forever... right?

pigsDOfly · 04/08/2019 19:55

I do wonder if the younger posters on here realise that when they're old their worlds will shrink and their conversation will probably be as boring as hell to their children. It's the way the world turns.

Inter generational conversations are going to be a mismatch. No doubt your parents and inlaws find your conversation just as boring as you find theirs.

fussychica · 04/08/2019 19:57

This is very sad.
I'm in my 60s and have a twenty something son. I think we are pretty tuned in to the modern world and whenever we get together we can still manage a decent conversation. However, I can see his eyes glaze over when I go on too long about something he has limited or no interest in. It was ever thus. My dad lived with us until his death at 84 and sometimes we had great chats but at times I admit I used to tune out too. Your lives and experiences are totally different and therefore your interests often diverge and conversations are often a bit one sided.
Just relax and enjoy their company while they are still around. I miss my dad (and my mum) every day 10 years on and would love to have a chat with him, however mundane.

BazaarMum · 04/08/2019 20:24

It’s perfectly reasonable to talk about your own interests, relatives that are meaningful to you, or your actual friends. That is really sharing your life. But why oh why do I need a 30 minute retelling of Doris from church’s son’s failed hernia operation? I don’t know either of them, and she only knows Doris slightly, so it’s not like she’s remotely affected. It could be covered by ‘oh goodness, I heard a horrible story at church of someone’s hernia stitches that burst, he almost died”.

It’s actually really rude to subject people to it, especially when no questions are asked of the visitor, or attempts at polite conversation made. It’s physically painful to sit through hours and days of it.

Lockheart · 04/08/2019 20:26

I think lots of posters are missing the fact that, as another poster pointed out, much of the problem is the self-obsession and total lack of dialogue.

It's one thing to be an active part of a boring two way conversation. It's quite another to be talked AT for extended lengths of time about something in which you have zero interest, in a manner which excludes you from the conversation. It's rude.

And it's not an age thing either (although it looks that way as everyone is speaking of their parents who will of course be older). My mum is not old and is like this.

Worlds also don't have to shrink as you get older and leave the workplace. If you can't be as physically active any more then take up a new gentler hobby. Use the extra time to travel if you can. Reconnect with old friends. Move to that village you always wanted to if you're able. Volunteer if you have the ability and inclination.

In this day and age the entire globe and all the information in human history is accessible from a device you can put in your pocket. Read! Study a new subject! Learn a new language! The possibilities are endless and the world is so much bigger than your back garden. There's no need to feel like you're being left behind if you make an effort to get involved with the world. Become more interesting than us drones whose daily lives are sleep-work-eat. Honestly if I could afford to retire now I'd do so much :)

MyAuntyBadger · 04/08/2019 20:44

It's not just an age thing. Me and dh (50's and 60's) spent two hours listening to two people in their early 30's talk about their work, their colleagues, their targets, reviews, the manager's love life etc. It was a long evening and I don't remember either of us being asked a single question about our lives.

carlywurly · 04/08/2019 21:15

@BazaarMum that is exactly my experience with mil. We hear about unmet neighbours' lives in a level of critical detail which makes me uncomfortable but she fails to ask anything about us at all. It's odd and hurtful that she doesn't seem interested.

We have seen her just after we've returned from holidays and she will studiously avoid absolutely any mention of the trip unless we've taken her. She will recount tales of other people's holidays at length though.

She loves to talk about money, relative wealth and social class. Everyone is either classified as a snob or beneath her. I find the level of judgement very hard to listen to.

It may or may not be age related in her case - she's certainly not improving, but the relentless gossip and negativity really makes spending time with her exceedingly hard work. We know she appreciates the company so we persevere. If I can avoid being like this with my dcs, I know I will. My former in laws are great company, as are my parents.

floribunda18 · 05/08/2019 01:16

Inter generational conversations are going to be a mismatch

No they aren't! I've always been able to talk to people of any age, but some people are narrow, boring and lack conversational skills at any age, as others have said.

mathanxiety · 05/08/2019 05:21

Agree ^^

TruffleShuffles · 05/08/2019 06:02

My God what an awful thread, the only thing I’m getting from it is how selfish this generation seems to be coming. Should everyone you engage with only talk about what you find interesting and what is relevant to your lives? As other pp have said your parents are just sharing their lives with you, I find it so sad that you can’t find it in you to be interested in that.

I am early 30s and quite often visit my DHs grandmother and she is one of my absolute favourite people to talk to, yes she talks a lot about family and friends who I haven’t met but I enjoy listening to her as I can see that she enjoys telling me about them. I’m fully capable of asking questions about them and engaging as regardless of whether I know them I’m quite capable of holding a conversation.

My ILs have very little in the way of a social life and don’t have much to do with current affairs but I still manage to converse with them and will quite happily talk to them about baking or gardening as that’s what they are passionate about even though I’m pretty shit at both, never ever would I think to belittle them about this on the internet. Jesus Christ.

ittakes2 · 05/08/2019 06:22

YABU - they are in their 70s. Let them talk about what they want to talk about.

Vanillelle · 05/08/2019 06:27

I think this is just one of those things you have to live with. If your partner is a decent person he'll be fine with it. It may not be interesting but at least it's not cruel or offensive!

You can keep trying to find ways of changing the subject, but I think to try and speak to your parents would be hurtful to them and make them very self conscious.

gerispringer · 05/08/2019 06:39

It’s not an age thing per se is it? We all know dreadful windbags who bog on about nothing we are interested in, it just so happens this OP is talking about dinner conversations with her parents who happen to be like this. I’m in the older age bracket, but I go to classes, volunteer for an environment group, sort out the house, garden, grandchildren. I do know my neighbours but don’t gossip about them ( unless asked!} and would hope my conversations are not too boring for my adult children. I don’t know their friends and they don’t know mine, so we don’t talk about them. What we do talk about -jobs, children, holidays, plans, hobbies, health, what we’ve watched on Netflix, any exhibition we’ve been to. Normal stuff in other words.

thejudgesaidhewasatitandIagree · 05/08/2019 06:46

My mum does this Smile she even sends me random photos of people I've never met. 'John from the down the road having coffee. His daughter is a teacher'. I just say oh that's nice.

My fil only ever talks about repairs he's doing to his house or problems he's had with the phone company/electric/cable/heating. My god those stories can go on for hours. We live near by too so it's not a rare thing.

SummerSix · 05/08/2019 07:29

They are lonely.

Generally older people do this as its interesting to them and then to talk about it makes them interesting in turn.

Ask them what they think about other stuff, they want to talk

jamoncrumpet · 05/08/2019 11:17

My MiL is guilty of this and it drives me to distraction. She has about fifty friends in her 10 miles radius and talks about them ALL DAY. 'You know, Roger and Julie... Kirsty and David...'

And she expects me to somehow retain all these names and their relationship to her and, this is the kicker, give a shit about their tiny lives.

I am really bad at pretending to be interested in things but if she's noticed she's definitely not changing tack!

jamoncrumpet · 05/08/2019 11:17

My MiL is guilty of this and it drives me to distraction. She has about fifty friends in her 10 miles radius and talks about them ALL DAY. 'You know, Roger and Julie... Kirsty and David...'

And she expects me to somehow retain all these names and their relationship to her and, this is the kicker, give a shit about their tiny lives.

I am really bad at pretending to be interested in things but if she's noticed she's definitely not changing tack!

jamoncrumpet · 05/08/2019 11:17

My MiL is guilty of this and it drives me to distraction. She has about fifty friends in her 10 miles radius and talks about them ALL DAY. 'You know, Roger and Julie... Kirsty and David...'

And she expects me to somehow retain all these names and their relationship to her and, this is the kicker, give a shit about their tiny lives.

I am really bad at pretending to be interested in things but if she's noticed she's definitely not changing tack!

escapade1234 · 05/08/2019 12:32

jamomcrumpet a little preview there of how you will also repeat yourself as nauseum one day Wink

Sunflowers11 · 05/08/2019 12:43

Why are you trying to please your partner so much @Masterofkarateandfriendship ?
It's your parents house, they can talk about whoever or whatever they want, the world does not revolve around your partner!

PortiaCastis · 05/08/2019 12:54

Well I expect we'll all be a bit like our parents when and if we age

Jeeperscreepers69 · 05/08/2019 17:47

There house. There rules. There life. Surely he can humour them. My mam talks about friends in her apartment block who i dont no but i think its nice she is interested. Could he not join in convo and ask questions or does he just sit there like a wet flannel

Ragwort · 05/08/2019 17:50

What exactly do you want to talk about OP and is your choice of conversation so very interesting?

Judging by threads on Mumsnet many 'younger' people are totally boring about the subjects that interest them ... baby's sleeping habits, weaning, schooling, does my DH do enough housework? etc etc. Totally utterly boring to many of us but clearly of great importance to some people.

Many people are crushing bores and dominate the conversation, but it's nothing to do with age. My parents are late 80s and love nothing more than discussing Brexit, politics, state of the economy etc etc - I am more interested in hearing about their friends and neighbours Grin

Why don't you initiate the conversation?

Ragwort · 05/08/2019 17:50

What exactly do you want to talk about OP and is your choice of conversation so very interesting?

Judging by threads on Mumsnet many 'younger' people are totally boring about the subjects that interest them ... baby's sleeping habits, weaning, schooling, does my DH do enough housework? etc etc. Totally utterly boring to many of us but clearly of great importance to some people.

Many people are crushing bores and dominate the conversation, but it's nothing to do with age. My parents are late 80s and love nothing more than discussing Brexit, politics, state of the economy etc etc - I am more interested in hearing about their friends and neighbours Grin

Why don't you initiate the conversation?

Ragwort · 05/08/2019 17:50

What exactly do you want to talk about OP and is your choice of conversation so very interesting?

Judging by threads on Mumsnet many 'younger' people are totally boring about the subjects that interest them ... baby's sleeping habits, weaning, schooling, does my DH do enough housework? etc etc. Totally utterly boring to many of us but clearly of great importance to some people.

Many people are crushing bores and dominate the conversation, but it's nothing to do with age. My parents are late 80s and love nothing more than discussing Brexit, politics, state of the economy etc etc - I am more interested in hearing about their friends and neighbours Grin

Why don't you initiate the conversation?